Still afraid
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Still afraid
Hi everyone, it’s been a little while since I posted here, but I could do with some words of advice.
My sobriety seems strong, and next weekend I will have 1000 days of continuous sobriety. I rarely think of a drink now, and I’ve so much to be thankful for in my life.
However, I’ve just returned from a weekend away in Paris, and while I was there, a waiter offered me and my husband a bottle of wine and before I could say no he had poured us both a glass and disappeared to serve someone else.
My anxiety just went through the roof, I had a pain in my chest, and felt like running out of the restaurant. I moved both the glasses onto an adjoining table and we continued with our meal. I feel so disappointed in myself that I should have had such a huge physical and mental reaction to that. I wasn’t tempted but it proves just how much fear I still have. Will this ever leave me? This isn’t a normal reaction and I have to live in the real world where there is alcohol everywhere around me...I feel so disappointed that I can’t deal with this sort of thing rationally.
Is this common?
My sobriety seems strong, and next weekend I will have 1000 days of continuous sobriety. I rarely think of a drink now, and I’ve so much to be thankful for in my life.
However, I’ve just returned from a weekend away in Paris, and while I was there, a waiter offered me and my husband a bottle of wine and before I could say no he had poured us both a glass and disappeared to serve someone else.
My anxiety just went through the roof, I had a pain in my chest, and felt like running out of the restaurant. I moved both the glasses onto an adjoining table and we continued with our meal. I feel so disappointed in myself that I should have had such a huge physical and mental reaction to that. I wasn’t tempted but it proves just how much fear I still have. Will this ever leave me? This isn’t a normal reaction and I have to live in the real world where there is alcohol everywhere around me...I feel so disappointed that I can’t deal with this sort of thing rationally.
Is this common?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hi, Jeni, nice to see you!
I think if a waiter had done that I might have had a reaction too. But my reaction would have been more in the line of, "How rude!!!"
I wouldn't put too much significance on the wine part, I would be more offended that a stranger put any un-ordered food or drink on my table. I used to be a server and some religions don't eat certain foods. I would put that waiter's actions in the same line as putting a plate of bacon on a vegetarian family's table or a bowl of peanuts on someone's table who had a peanut allergy.
It's just a bad decision on the part of management to do something like that. They should always ask.
You made it through - just a little ego reminder that it isn't about us...it's about other people making insensitive, intrusive decisions. I do wonder why you didn't stop him at the point where he walked over to your table and put down the first wine glass? "Before you could say no?"
What if you were Mormon, or Muslim? Just a bad business decision. You handled it fine. Maybe after they lose some money on wasted wine, they'll stop that. Or not. But you do have 100% control over what goes on your table.
I think if a waiter had done that I might have had a reaction too. But my reaction would have been more in the line of, "How rude!!!"
I wouldn't put too much significance on the wine part, I would be more offended that a stranger put any un-ordered food or drink on my table. I used to be a server and some religions don't eat certain foods. I would put that waiter's actions in the same line as putting a plate of bacon on a vegetarian family's table or a bowl of peanuts on someone's table who had a peanut allergy.
It's just a bad decision on the part of management to do something like that. They should always ask.
You made it through - just a little ego reminder that it isn't about us...it's about other people making insensitive, intrusive decisions. I do wonder why you didn't stop him at the point where he walked over to your table and put down the first wine glass? "Before you could say no?"
What if you were Mormon, or Muslim? Just a bad business decision. You handled it fine. Maybe after they lose some money on wasted wine, they'll stop that. Or not. But you do have 100% control over what goes on your table.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks Bim....and do you know what? I hadn’t thought of that, what if it had breached someone’s faith to have done that?
I thought at first that it had been a genuine mistake and he’d dropped it at the wrong table, but when we said no, he sort of smiled and shrugged as he left and I then realised it was probably a ploy to make us stay for the evening. Wine is incredibly cheap out there and a bottle of house wine is next to nothing.
No harm done, but it just reinforced how much it still impacts on me.
I thought at first that it had been a genuine mistake and he’d dropped it at the wrong table, but when we said no, he sort of smiled and shrugged as he left and I then realised it was probably a ploy to make us stay for the evening. Wine is incredibly cheap out there and a bottle of house wine is next to nothing.
No harm done, but it just reinforced how much it still impacts on me.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Jeni!
You know, my relationships with the word “normal” are very complicated. It’s like putting a tag on a box just because it has certain size without considering what’s inside.
Good for you to put solid sobriety time together in the first place!
I think that visceral automatic reactions of your body haven’t caught up with the logical part of the new sober lifestyle yet.
Visceral reactions are not controlled or managed by conscious mind, so they are harder to re-train.
You know that there is no logical reason for you to be afraid. But specific part of your brain see wine and scream “Danger!”.
It triggers all the painful memories, and troubles, and past failures, and what not. And now you can’t think straight, you are in “fight or flight” mode.
If a person suffered from traumatic experience emotionally interconnected to, say, smell of certain perfume, the smell alone will be enough to put that person into very unstable emotional state.
Is it normal? People usually avoid discussing such vulnerable issues, so it’s hard to say.
As for will you ever be able to respond with less charged emotional reaction when wine gets in sight, again, everyone’s timing is different.
I recently passed 6 years, I am not bothered by wine now.
I had a couple of experiences which can be regarded as “Don’t try it at home, especially in early sobriety”.
1.5 ago I was on business trip in France. My colleagues were having wine every day. I even smelled it couple of times just to check is it as good as advertised. Then was sitting to it for next couple of hours. No fear.
About 3 years ago for some holiday we got gifts at work - wine and chocolate, of course.
It was a fine bottle of Italian wine. I delayed getting rid of it till the next day. Tomorrow turned into 2.5 years. All this time the bottle was sitting in my fridge.
I lived through periods of heavy depression, emotional distress, was hungry, angry, lonely and tired at the same time. I spent more than one Friday night wrapped up in melancholic state of mind.
The bottle was still in the fridge.
A few months ago I put it in a trash bag and threw away because I needed to clear my fridge.
Don’t feed your fear, Jeni. I am not saying “be complacent and overconfident, and arrogant, and hang out around booze as much as possible”. Just learn to trust yourself a little bit more.
Hugs to you.
You know, my relationships with the word “normal” are very complicated. It’s like putting a tag on a box just because it has certain size without considering what’s inside.
Good for you to put solid sobriety time together in the first place!
I think that visceral automatic reactions of your body haven’t caught up with the logical part of the new sober lifestyle yet.
Visceral reactions are not controlled or managed by conscious mind, so they are harder to re-train.
You know that there is no logical reason for you to be afraid. But specific part of your brain see wine and scream “Danger!”.
It triggers all the painful memories, and troubles, and past failures, and what not. And now you can’t think straight, you are in “fight or flight” mode.
If a person suffered from traumatic experience emotionally interconnected to, say, smell of certain perfume, the smell alone will be enough to put that person into very unstable emotional state.
Is it normal? People usually avoid discussing such vulnerable issues, so it’s hard to say.
As for will you ever be able to respond with less charged emotional reaction when wine gets in sight, again, everyone’s timing is different.
I recently passed 6 years, I am not bothered by wine now.
I had a couple of experiences which can be regarded as “Don’t try it at home, especially in early sobriety”.
1.5 ago I was on business trip in France. My colleagues were having wine every day. I even smelled it couple of times just to check is it as good as advertised. Then was sitting to it for next couple of hours. No fear.
About 3 years ago for some holiday we got gifts at work - wine and chocolate, of course.
It was a fine bottle of Italian wine. I delayed getting rid of it till the next day. Tomorrow turned into 2.5 years. All this time the bottle was sitting in my fridge.
I lived through periods of heavy depression, emotional distress, was hungry, angry, lonely and tired at the same time. I spent more than one Friday night wrapped up in melancholic state of mind.
The bottle was still in the fridge.
A few months ago I put it in a trash bag and threw away because I needed to clear my fridge.
Don’t feed your fear, Jeni. I am not saying “be complacent and overconfident, and arrogant, and hang out around booze as much as possible”. Just learn to trust yourself a little bit more.
Hugs to you.
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Jeni, congratulations on your recovery.
I, too, think that's a very poor decision by restaurant management. Making an assumption that everyone wants a glass of wine is thoughtless, bordering on rude. Jeni, be kind to yourself. You did deal with the situation rationally. I wonder if your reaction was as much surprise/shock as it was fear?
I, too, think that's a very poor decision by restaurant management. Making an assumption that everyone wants a glass of wine is thoughtless, bordering on rude. Jeni, be kind to yourself. You did deal with the situation rationally. I wonder if your reaction was as much surprise/shock as it was fear?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by Anna 
Jeni, congratulations on your recovery.
I, too, think that's a very poor decision by restaurant management. Making an assumption that everyone wants a glass of wine is thoughtless, bordering on rude. Jeni, be kind to yourself. You did deal with the situation rationally. I wonder if your reaction was as much surprise/shock as it was fear?
I, too, think that's a very poor decision by restaurant management. Making an assumption that everyone wants a glass of wine is thoughtless, bordering on rude. Jeni, be kind to yourself. You did deal with the situation rationally. I wonder if your reaction was as much surprise/shock as it was fear?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
For your first go round with sobriety, didn't you relapse around the 2 1/2 year mark? Maybe subconsciously the reason you had such a strong reaction is because the timing coincided with when you diverted off your path of sobriety during your original journey in recovery. I get pretty freaked when people will ask me to hold their drink for a few minutes so I try to avoid it. I hardly ever think about drinking or not drinking until something like that happens so I think your reaction is a good thing. Something you value so greatly was momentarily under siege at approximately the same time it was under siege before and your reaction at that time turned out to be a regret. Not this time though. Yay so flex that emotional muscle. You earned it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Heyyyyy Jeni! Glad to see you. I think the bottom line is you knew what to do- not drink. And you didn't drink! It hasn't happened to me recently but I think any of us can be "surprised" at the kind of or degree of negative reaction we might have to this kind of thing on any given day or moment!
Even now that you and I are right at the 1000 day mark we still have alcoholic brains, and moreover human ones so things can sometimes upset us. Don't be too hard on yourself or read dire signs into thisa do perhaps settle in your head what you might have done differently so you handle something like this differently next time.
Keep going friend!
Even now that you and I are right at the 1000 day mark we still have alcoholic brains, and moreover human ones so things can sometimes upset us. Don't be too hard on yourself or read dire signs into thisa do perhaps settle in your head what you might have done differently so you handle something like this differently next time.
Keep going friend!
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