Supine

My older brother (mid-thirties) is a high-functioning alcoholic with a possible underlying mood disorder such as bi-polar that's undiagnosed. He's had a drinking problem since I was about 12 (I'm 2 years younger), which was the first time I carried him into the bathroom when he was unconscious/puking and stayed up all night with him.

Over the years he's had a sense of entitlement towards me, which I started pushing back against about 8 years ago but it's been hard. (I'm female and much smaller than him, and not a dominant personality). He'd frequently use me as a DD in college without asking, calling me at 4am telling me to wake my other brother up to come with me so he didn't have to leave his car at the bar. When I told him I wouldn't wake our other brother (we both had class at 8am), but would drive him back in the morning to get his car, he flew into a rage so I caved and brought my other brother along. We arrived and he was seething that I had even made the suggestion that we should let our other brother sleep, and got into the car I was driving. He started screaming obscenities, telling me what a selfish ***** I was and grabbing me, so I pulled over and got out of the car because I was scared. He drove home, and some guy who heard him yelling at me picked me up and gave me a ride home, and I slept in the back yard too afraid to come inside. I avoided him for 2 days, after which my mom called me up and asked why I wasn't speaking to him. He had apparently called her and made some story up, and she told me that I was tearing our family apart and that I needed to fix things with him.

Last year my parents split up after 34 years of marriage, and my brother got into the middle of their divorce trying to get their retirement assets. He was calling my brother and I up and saying things like "I realized if I'm really nice to dad, I can get a lot [of money] out of this". (One of his gifts is he's very charismatic, and can make anyone laugh at the drop of a hat). When we told him that he was using our parents divorce as a way to financially profit off of our parents, he said "yea, well you gotta strike while the iron's hot". My mother was profoundly isolated and depressed at the time, as my dad had badmouthed her to their friends (as well as having cheated on her), my other brother was out of state finishing his degree, and I was out of the country also working on my graduate degree. The only person there for her was my older brother, and he was schmoozing her trying to get her retirement rental properties (which ended up ultimately falling through after my other brother and I intervened.) After dealing with that, I had to go No Contact with him in order to focus on school, as I was so distraught over the divorce and imploding family that I was at risk of failing out of school.

I came home this summer and stayed at my aunts house to study for a huge exam I need to take, as my brother is still drinking at my moms and (although he doesn't show it to anyone else - to them he acts really depressed and mopey about our relationship) I know he's furious with me for not speaking to him and calling him out on his behavior during the divorce. Two days after I came home, a friend called the police and reported my brother was drunk sticking a handgun in his mouth and threatening suicide. He was voluntarily committed, but both he and my mother lied to the staff while he was in there about his drinking and mental health issues, so he was released with some anti-depressants and they said he was fine. He usually hides his drinking from my mom, who goes to bed at 8pm and doesn't see him get sloppy drunk (although she saw it last summer when I called her one evening; my brother was drinking and when he found out I was on the phone and refused to speak with him he started raging in the background and punched 5 holes in the wall).

I need some advice on how to handle my family now when/if I go home. I don't feel safe around my brother and refuse to sleep in the same house as he's still drinking. My mom gets mad at me and says that my brother needs my support and that I'm contributing to his mental health issues since I'm not talking to him. My problem is, he never addresses the actual problem - his drinking/mental health. If he was actually in rehab and trying I would at least have a tentative relationship and be willing to rebuild/support, but I'm sick of being supportive and coaching him thru his suicide threats and then having him be so manipulative and selfish and never addressing the alcohol.

My biggest problem is that I'm the only one who has taken a hard-line stance with this, and the result is turning out to be that I'm the one who's becoming excluded from the family. My other brother went home to visit my mom and alcoholic brother the other week, and I would've loved to have gone and seen them but I can't afford to get a hotel for the week and a rental car (student loan debt), and I don't feel safe staying at my mom's house with my brother there drinking. My mom minimizes the problem and gets mad at me when I bring it up. My other brother acknowledges that our older brother is an alcoholic and has mental health issues, but is kinda sweeping it under the rug as the stress of trying to bring the problem to the surface was too much for him.

They are talking about all getting a house together for Christmas. I want to see my family for the holidays, but again I can't stay in a house with my brother drinking and I'm going to feel really resentful if I have to pay for a hotel close by all alone while they're all together, just because my brother has made my home feel unsafe. Trying to deal with this is isolating me so much from my entire family, and I have no idea how to handle the holiday situation coming up. I feel so isolated and depressed, as I don't see a solution that would help bring my family back together in a healthier way than it has been. It feels like I can either put myself in a situation that will potentially become unsafe, or end up isolated. I miss being close with my mom. Any suggestions or support would be really appreciated. How do you handle alcoholic family members during the holidays?

Mango212

Hi Supine,

Welcome to SR.

How I handle the chaos now is to step away from it.

Wamama48

Wow, you are really between a rock and a hard place. It's not right that you are put in that position. I applaud you for not caving and doing what you know is right to protect yourself!

I'm in the same position with my alcohiic brother in law. He's never been violent towards me. But there's something in my gut that makes me not feel safe with him. Plus I'm done being around alcoholics, I refuse to even be in the house with him.

It makes family mad. They think I'm being ridiculous, there's no reason I can't pick up his meds and bring them to him, I'm cruel because I won't run him around to do errands, I just need to get over it. Blah blah blah. I'm standing my ground, even though I miss a lot of time visiting with my father in law (they live together).

So what im trying to say in a long winded way is, people will be mad, think you're ridiculous or not see where you're coming from. You can't control one tiny bit of their behaviour or what they think. You shouldn't have to be sitting in a motel at night by yourself, when all of them are together. But you do. They will do what they feel like they need to do, and you do what you need to do to be safe.

I think you're awesome to stick to your boundaries, I didn't learn about boundaries until I was 48 years old! So go with your gut. It won't be the most popular option with your family, but it's YOUR boundary, you have every right to feel safe no matter what any one else thinks.

trailmix

Hi Supine and welcome.

Well, that is a really tough situation. First things first.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. (The 3c's).

I think that applies to your AB (alcoholic Brother) and the entire family dynamic.

Your Mother enables your Brother and sweeps it under the rug. I'm sure she's not very familiar with alcoholism and how it works. I'm sure she thinks she is doing what's best. That makes you the "weak link" in her mind.

Your AB is a manipulator and self-centered, he wants what he wants at whatever cost to others. I think going no-contact was very wise, there is nothing to be gained by engaging with him. I agree if he were to seek recovery at some point, that might change that dynamic.

You mention he makes suicide threats, even there, you can just call the police to make a wellness check.

You mentioned you lied to the staff when he was committed, my only suggestion is that you don't lie for him again, ever. Hold on to your truth.

As for the holidays, nothing good to be found there, do you have friends you can spend the holidays with? Being close to your Mom at this point is virtually impossible really. Have you been to Al-Anon? Is there any possibility your Mom might attend Al-Anon with you?

Maudcat

Hi, supine.
Welcome.
This is a hard one.
You love your family and want to be with them, but you don’t feel safe there.
Tough as it is, I would limit contact, for your own serenity.
Sounds like typical enabling stuff going on there, and you are the only one to say, nope, not doing this.
Please don’t let your mother guilt you into supporting your brother.
Good luck and good thoughts.

dandylion

Supine.....my heart goes out to you, because I realize how intense sibling relationships can be.....and , there is a tremendous pull toward loyalty, in most cases.
I have heard it explained like this---The dysfunctional family can be visualized like a pot of crabs...that when one is trying to get out of the pot--the others will try to pull it back in.....I sounds like the enabling of your mother and your brother's alcoholic behavior is the heart of the family dysfunction (don't know anything about your father)……

Considering what you have shared...it looks, to me, like boundaries are what you have to rely on, in order to get you through the holidays....How much....when and where will be up to you, of course.
As for staying in the house...that does sound like a disaster plan....
My suggestion---when talking to family about this..I would keep your messages short, simple, but very clear...."I love my brother and my family, but, my brother's drinking spoils the whole thing.....and, breaks my heart". (say what you mean, but, don' t say it mean..lol)….
Another suggestion....you might try a sort of middle ground....like, maybe, go home for Christmas, if you can...and just stay for a shorter time...like, rent the hotel and visit on Christmas day, for a couple of hours, or so...and bring presents, and express your affection, as usual, and then, leave while things are still in good order.
Could it be possible to stay at you Aunt's house...and give her the reason why?

It sounds like you do have an alliance with your other brother...so, he must understand where you are coming from...? Maybe, you could spend some extra time, with him, away from the house...?


I don't think you have to cut your family off, completely, if you have very clear and firm boundaries as to where you are coming from, in relation to your brother's drinking. Again...short, and very clear.
You can still talk to your family, on the phone, if you wish....just don't get into arguments with them about your brother...if that starts, just politely end the conversation. May it clear that you won't debate about it.....and, don't listen to them if anyone tries to make you the "problem".....

It seems, to me that you can still get some of what you want...without getting into what you definitely don't want....if you play it right with firm boundaries and clear communication to the principle parties....


I think it is soo important for you to get some professional help to guide you through your family relations...because this is heart rendering stuff.....and, it won't end with just the holidays....
I, actually think that the group---Adult Children of Alcoholics--can be of tremendous help to you....By the way....it is for dysfunctional families, also...because lot of the dynamics, still apply. You can get their literature from amazon.com.....their Big Book. You might check to find a meeting close to you, if there are any....


In general....I think you can still talk to your brother, on the phone....in the usual ways you might connect with him....as long as he is SOBER. When he is sober. Don't throw away the good parts of the relationship that you still have. That won't help you or him. However, you must never...never...enable him. (I know that is hard to do...bit, you will learn)…..You must make it clear as water where you stand on his drinking...that you will never engage with it and enable it. You can, however l et him know that you will support him getting help...and that you will always love him....even if you have to love him from a distance....


I think that a therapist of your own would be an excellent idea...because this is too hard and lonely to navigate alone.....

Congratulations on reaching out for help...because alcoholism isn't called a family disease for nothing....It. eventually affects every single member of the family....

SparkleKitty

Oh my friend, I know just what you are going through.

When my family was knee-deep in my mother's alcoholism and related behaviors, I had to finally accept that no one--NO ONE--was going to respect my boundaries if I myself was not willing to do so. I stopped going home for holidays because they were far too painful, and the good things I hoped to get from them--bonding time with my non-drinking siblings--was just a fantasy. It was never going to happen, at least not in a positive and healthy way, while the whole family was still circling the drain of my mother's drinking.

It was not easy. I had to spend many holidays creating my own traditions. Some I spent alone. Most were better than I expected. But the most important thing is that because I was consistent with what I would and wouldn't put up with in my life, I taught myself AND my family members that I deserved basic human respect, and would not tolerate the company of those who could not give me that.

Eauchiche

Dear Supine
I REALLY admire your courage and clear thinking. I am sure you have had to "think outside the box" a lot to get there. Being raised in a family like that and getting free from it , is similar to emigrating to another country and learning a new language and culture.

To NOT go home is going to require you to think outside the box again. Try to think of the holidays as something other than family events, and make other plans.

I too, have no contact with my family for several years now. My plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas, are to go up the highway a short distance to have a dinner at a large, modern trucking facility. Everyone is traveling, and most will be alone too. If I get invited to healthy friends' house instead, then I will change my plans.

I will be VERY picky about that. Last year I spent Thanksgiving with a neighbor, who invited a Tweaker homeless couple at the last minute. The neighbor sat there drinking beer that whole time.

If you start aggressively making plans away from your family, BE PREPARED. You will have a large group of people, some imaginary, telling you how sad it is that you made those decisions.

I can tell you from experience that you will miss a lot of drama, and will wake up with a clear head the next morning.

atalose

There are always the unwritten rules of the dysfunctional alcoholic/addict families.

Control is a big issues all around and usually by everyone. Being perfect and being right about everything. Blame is always a big one, it’s everyone else’s fault no one takes any responsibility for their own actions. Denial comes in all forms, deny feelings, deny thoughts and perceptions and deny wants and needs. There is often the no talk rule – don’t talk honestly. Then there is always the myth-making, look on the brings side, there isn’t a big problem, don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill. Then add in the behaviors of everyone living in a constant state of upsetment and confusion without every resolving any differences. Bitterness and resentments hang in the air like smoke.

Families who have an alcoholic or addict do not live like normal families and the best thing you can do for yourself coming from that environment is get some of your own recovery. Either with Al-anon, personal counseling etc.

There is so much guilt along with the pull of loyalty to the family that leaves us in that constant state of confusion. The other family members attempt to guilt us back into the old way of thinking/feeling/pretending/denying/etc. etc.

The holidays tend to bring out “family” issues the most and there tends to be high expectations on family and family get togethers because it’s the holiday. If you decide to meet them, do it on your own terms. Stay in a hotel, shorten your visit and try not to have any high expectations that they will all suddenly become the ideal family that exists in your wishes.

I liked dandylion’s visual of a dysfunctional family is like a pot of crabs, the one trying to get out gets pulled back in by the others. It is very true!! That’s the key learning tool in recovery, your own reactions to handing the dysfunction in healthier ways.

Sasha1972

If your choice is between “unsafe” and “isolated” ... I would go with “isolated”. They are both crappy options, but one of them lets you remove yourself from the craziness and the other one doesn’t.

I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic family but my (alcoholic) ex did, and I saw enough of what went on there to realize that the dynamics of denial, blame, guilt-tripping and poor-me-ism were enough to defeat any sane person. My ex never escaped from it, nor did his brother and one of his sisters. The other sister went no-contact with the whole shebang, and she is now the only one with a semblance of a normal life.

Look after yourself first. You have no obligation to be in a situation which is physically or psychologically harmful to you, even if it’s your family.

hopeful4

This will go on for a very long time, so you may as well form those boundaries NOW, and stick to them. Ask your mother and other brother to go somewhere nice at another time to celebrate Christmas. Tell them truthfully why you are not going, and stick to it. Sounds simple, but it will be painful and will try you.

The thing is, you have to learn that just because you cannot be in a relationship with them does not mean you don't love them. It means they are so toxic you cannot be around them as they will drag those around them down the rabbit hole as well.

Be strong, form boundaries, and form new traditions for the holidays.

Bernadette

From atalose: There is so much guilt along with the pull of loyalty to the family that leaves us in that constant state of confusion. The other family members attempt to guilt us back into the old way of thinking/feeling/pretending/denying/etc. etc.

So true. I needed (still need from time to time!) a good therapist and AlAnon to help me with this stuff. I had a lot to learn and then practice.

Supine, please don't ever believe this, it is just not true: "My mom gets mad at me and says that my brother needs my support and that I'm contributing to his mental health issues since I'm not talking to him." I'm sure your Mom wishes it was true, she wishes there was something, anything, that could explain and "fix" your brother. But you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I have 3 A brothers and a super enabling mother; it is really hard to cut through all the BS, manipulation, and pain.

I learned to support and love my brothers from a distance, minimizing contact by phone or in person when they were crazy/wasted etc, and often just sending random notes and cards telling them I loved them. I did, out of that sense of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) spend many holidays around them and I really suffered. Through therapy I learned to create boundaries for myself and learned the lesson of being a free human being - I can walk out of any event, at any time, for any reason I dang well please, and I don't need to explain myself to anyone! I don't have to act angry or hurt or offended, I can have a big-a** smile on my face! "Gotta go, byeeeeeeee!"

It's really hard, I am decades into it and all I can offer you is sympathy and a big (((hug))) and let you know that when I put the focus on myself and my own dreams, problems, goals, my life got so much better. My brothers get to live their lives as they choose to, so do I.
Peace,
B

Mango212

Be strong, form boundaries, and form new traditions for the holidays.

These words are a huge part of this day for me. I'm making new plans. Doing self-care. Pausing and taking my time before responding to emails as I'm sending out requests for info on vacation rentals. I'm looking for a fun, healthy place to be for the holidays. Priorities are:

Warm
Safe
Ease of booking
A bargain: )

This is my first year to put what I want for Christmas first. It's a huge thing. It's my freedom year.

One step at a time.

Supine, whatever decisions you make are okay. There's no "wrong" answer. Learning to put our needs first can have many moments in connecting with ones we love and have had trauma-moments with to start sorting out what love is from what trauma bonding is. Sometimes the two are woven together. Sometimes it's purely traumatic bonding and not love at all.

Baby steps. One day at a time.

Supine

Wow, thank you all so much for your kind and supportive responses. Your stories and advice really help give me confidence to stand behind the decisions I need to make. It's so hard to make choices like this; nothing is black and white like you thought it was when you're growing up, and when having to make a decision like this I tend to doubt myself, terrified I'm just making the situation worse.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on in my spare time -how to communicate with individuals with poor insight using the LEAP method; books on courage in Adlerian psychology; taking ownership of my own problems; working on forgiveness and how to process my anger in a productive way. But it's hard to imagine putting all of that into practice in the middle of the craziness that's my family. Reading the real-life experiences and wisdom you've all gained from the trenches has been so helpful in giving me clarity and reassurance, when my family hasn't been able to do that. Kind of like a map, when I feel like I'm just running around and guessing

The pot of crabs analogy really hits home. Like SparkleKitty said, I also have this fantasy of what my family could be, which keeps driving me back to try to lift us out of this dysfunction. It hasn't worked. There's so much truth in what you guys are saying, that letting go of control and learning acceptance is the only way to free yourself.

My family is starting to make plans around the holidays, and your responses have given me the courage to address the alcohol and have "that conversation" again, even though it'll be upsetting. I really appreciate it, thank you for all the invaluable insight

Mango212

<3 LEAP.

Trust your gut. It won't lie to you. It's just a matter of learning to hear our own gut instincts and that comes by creating space for that to happen. Simply listening some days. Taking a different action.

Ladybird579

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation in that my mother enabled my alcoholic brother and he also raged and punched holes in the walls and got steaming drunk when she was in bed. I was blamed for not being supportive etc. When she die my father took over enabling him cos he got round my father by doing things for him...really tiny things and the least he could get away with but it worked. I have also had to take him on my motorbike drunk as a lord back home from places when I had been phoned to say he was passed out in the street. Riding a 1100 cc bike, in the rain with a drunk on the back did test my skills. lol

I gradually cut off contact. It started with me moving out, then limiting access to my kids cos I did not like them being at my parents if he was there. To be fair I did not like them being at my parent for all sort of reasons but their attitude to my brother was a biggie. Nowadays I only text one sister who is not an alcoholic. My other sister is too and is a selfish nightmare. I have not seen my father since my mom died or my brother. Life is peaceful. It was hard doing it but I had to. I used to think if I waited it out sooner or later the problems would resolve but my father is 88 and nothing has changed.