hello hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
hello hello
Hello SR
What can I say, I am not doing to good in regards to my ability to not drink.
i went 3 days without drinking and the craving to get absolutely hammered was overwhelming, This i found to be the hardest part, abstaining from binge drinking to the point of blackout. It seems the longer i don't drink the bigger the urge and bigger my binge becomes.
Now recovering from my binge and desperately trying to piece together what has become of my life.
I am so desperately lonely it's not funny. to kill my loneliness I ride the metro because its full of people. But also at the same time, I am attending all sorts of group meetings, Language, Sport, etc etc.
AA was interesting when i attended, but i just feel so low being there, standing up and preaching to some writing on the wall felt like "wow have a i stooped this low? "
Back in January, a relationship I was in had ended and it was this relationship that had drained nearly all of my energy and has become a wake-up call for me. I vowed to stay sober and work on myself for me and for a future relationship. 10 months on I have progressed - but only a little bit.
She has moved on i believe, i on the other hand wake up hungover and wallow in the past of "what could of been" and wallow in the "good memories" only because those memories are the only rays of sunshine i have felt in many years. Never the less i am aware its over and there is no going back. i Also have removed all means of contact and NEVER ever check her social media. Iam only left with my head .
I am in the process of searching for a new relationship but I am aware it's a selfish endeavor to trap someone with my alcoholism, thus why i don't pursue anything serious because my self-esteem is destroyed due to alcoholism and the woman I meet seem to feel this. Also in part, because dating is woven with alcohol and the cycle will just repeat itself.
sober - date - drink a bit - progress back into drinking - problems with the relationship due to drinking- back to square one.
Its made me question my whole approach to life. I am starting to think I am not a strong enough individual to battle alcoholism and yet also pursue the good things in life such as a wife and a family.
I dunno, but I am truly Lost in my life atm. And yet I meet so many people who have it far worse then I do, just makes me think how truly lucky I am to only be battling alcoholism and a life long lingering low self-esteem.
On a positive note, I am in the process of searching for Volunteering groups.
ill wrap this up, but yeah... iam just as lost as everyone else so woo hoo!
What can I say, I am not doing to good in regards to my ability to not drink.
i went 3 days without drinking and the craving to get absolutely hammered was overwhelming, This i found to be the hardest part, abstaining from binge drinking to the point of blackout. It seems the longer i don't drink the bigger the urge and bigger my binge becomes.
Now recovering from my binge and desperately trying to piece together what has become of my life.
I am so desperately lonely it's not funny. to kill my loneliness I ride the metro because its full of people. But also at the same time, I am attending all sorts of group meetings, Language, Sport, etc etc.
AA was interesting when i attended, but i just feel so low being there, standing up and preaching to some writing on the wall felt like "wow have a i stooped this low? "
Back in January, a relationship I was in had ended and it was this relationship that had drained nearly all of my energy and has become a wake-up call for me. I vowed to stay sober and work on myself for me and for a future relationship. 10 months on I have progressed - but only a little bit.
She has moved on i believe, i on the other hand wake up hungover and wallow in the past of "what could of been" and wallow in the "good memories" only because those memories are the only rays of sunshine i have felt in many years. Never the less i am aware its over and there is no going back. i Also have removed all means of contact and NEVER ever check her social media. Iam only left with my head .
I am in the process of searching for a new relationship but I am aware it's a selfish endeavor to trap someone with my alcoholism, thus why i don't pursue anything serious because my self-esteem is destroyed due to alcoholism and the woman I meet seem to feel this. Also in part, because dating is woven with alcohol and the cycle will just repeat itself.
sober - date - drink a bit - progress back into drinking - problems with the relationship due to drinking- back to square one.
Its made me question my whole approach to life. I am starting to think I am not a strong enough individual to battle alcoholism and yet also pursue the good things in life such as a wife and a family.
I dunno, but I am truly Lost in my life atm. And yet I meet so many people who have it far worse then I do, just makes me think how truly lucky I am to only be battling alcoholism and a life long lingering low self-esteem.
On a positive note, I am in the process of searching for Volunteering groups.
ill wrap this up, but yeah... iam just as lost as everyone else so woo hoo!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
I have been where you are. I currently I'm in the same place you are. Complete lonely, desperate and depressed.
However, the only two things that keep me going and that has already kept me going are my family and the thought that hey, I'll stay around, maybe it gets better.
I am broke, in debt and I'm quite sure I'll get fired from work.
And still, I'm sure it will get better.
However, the only two things that keep me going and that has already kept me going are my family and the thought that hey, I'll stay around, maybe it gets better.
I am broke, in debt and I'm quite sure I'll get fired from work.
And still, I'm sure it will get better.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
I think that volunteering is a great way to get outside of yourself and to give back to your community.
Before you begin another relationship, I hope you take some time to deal with your issues and to feel better about yourself. It will pay off in the long run.
Before you begin another relationship, I hope you take some time to deal with your issues and to feel better about yourself. It will pay off in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Hello Renvate, and thank you for sharing what you are experiencing right now. I would slow down about any pursuit of a relationship, with anyone, drinker or sober. I agree that right now you would be bringing too many issues to the table to be fair to either the other person or to yourself. Presently your focus should be on you and what you are going to decide about drinking.
Going to AA isn't just about coming to realize how low you have become. There are a lot of very successful people in AA who have happy families and fulfilling lives in many other areas, too. If you only went to one group and found that it was not to your liking, you can try another. You might not feel good right away, but it might prevent you from drinking, if that's really what you want to do is stop. You can also evaluate another setting, like group CBT therapy, that has a focus on substance abuse, as an alternative.
After a broken relationship it is natural to feel lonely, and doing other activities is a positive, healthy way to occupy your mind from those feelings for a while. Try not to ruminate about the past, it's really not helpful in disengaging from the loss without putting yourself into a risky state of mind. For most, the age old statement that only time heals is, I have found in the same circumstances, very true. You might ask yourself what you gained from being in a relationship that was so important to you above all else (except drinking), and consider if you are looking for something you need to resolve to be free from emotional dependency.
For now, it's probably a simple truism that if you don't pick up a drink things will not become worse for you. That doesn't mean that you're doomed to a life of feeling the way you do now, far from it. But it's a great beginning.
Going to AA isn't just about coming to realize how low you have become. There are a lot of very successful people in AA who have happy families and fulfilling lives in many other areas, too. If you only went to one group and found that it was not to your liking, you can try another. You might not feel good right away, but it might prevent you from drinking, if that's really what you want to do is stop. You can also evaluate another setting, like group CBT therapy, that has a focus on substance abuse, as an alternative.
After a broken relationship it is natural to feel lonely, and doing other activities is a positive, healthy way to occupy your mind from those feelings for a while. Try not to ruminate about the past, it's really not helpful in disengaging from the loss without putting yourself into a risky state of mind. For most, the age old statement that only time heals is, I have found in the same circumstances, very true. You might ask yourself what you gained from being in a relationship that was so important to you above all else (except drinking), and consider if you are looking for something you need to resolve to be free from emotional dependency.
For now, it's probably a simple truism that if you don't pick up a drink things will not become worse for you. That doesn't mean that you're doomed to a life of feeling the way you do now, far from it. But it's a great beginning.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi Renvate
I'm a firm believer that addiction is progressive - you may find it takes more effort, and a great willingness to try things, that it did last time?
I couldn't have stayed sober and dated - not in the early days . I realise noone wants to out their life on hold - we do that as drinkes anyway - but goive yourself the opportunity to get well again and to ensure that this time recovery sticks...
I reckon get your life together then you can think about sharing that life
So...what kinds of things have you been doing lately to try and stay sober?
D
I'm a firm believer that addiction is progressive - you may find it takes more effort, and a great willingness to try things, that it did last time?
I couldn't have stayed sober and dated - not in the early days . I realise noone wants to out their life on hold - we do that as drinkes anyway - but goive yourself the opportunity to get well again and to ensure that this time recovery sticks...
I reckon get your life together then you can think about sharing that life
So...what kinds of things have you been doing lately to try and stay sober?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
Yes I understand to well about being alone for awhile and dealing with the issue. Tbh this has been a huge wakeup call for me.
What am I doing to stay sober? Well for starters I have ended all connections with old drinking buddies. I am actively seeking social groups, I have made good progress in the gym.
Is it enough? Probably not.
Tbh my circumstances have changed, I have moved countries where alcohol is abundant 24/7. This has been probably the hardest part. But I can't help it so i just have to deal with it.
I just have to not drink and that's that.
What am I doing to stay sober? Well for starters I have ended all connections with old drinking buddies. I am actively seeking social groups, I have made good progress in the gym.
Is it enough? Probably not.
Tbh my circumstances have changed, I have moved countries where alcohol is abundant 24/7. This has been probably the hardest part. But I can't help it so i just have to deal with it.
I just have to not drink and that's that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
Dating while sober in our current world is very difficult.
You hop on a dating app, and almost every woman you see has a pic of herself holding a drink with her friends (or by herself). I sometimes see some of these apps as 'coed drinking apps', because that's what you end up doing.
I happened upon a health focused fitness type person who I've been hanging out with for a few months. I remember our first date, when we were out hiking... she shouts "Let's grab a beer!". I challenged myself to the situation, went to the brewery at the bar in front of the taps, and ordered a burger and a sparkling water. We're not in a 'relationship', but we still hang out, and she seems to have a very strict attitude about her drinking. She cuts herself off at 2 ( though I've seen her put down more on weekends)... It seems like a difficult task that requires a lot of effort for her. I have no desire to drink/feel that way.
In all honesty, I don't have strong feelings for her and consider her a friend, but if I fell for someone who I thought I may spend the rest of my life with, I only imagine it being painful to not drink with that person (if they do). The condition here is that the person I'd want to spend my future with would likely not be a drinker, or a rare drinker.
I'm not sure if I should share this here, but I'm guessing some can relate to the idea of partying with someone in a relationship until it falls apart. I've done it while in the midst of drinking, and it was a trainwreck. You think the moments of 'bliss' are everlasting, but they're as fleeting and disappear with everything else. No one respects anything/anyone involved, and it pulls both parties into darker waters.
You hop on a dating app, and almost every woman you see has a pic of herself holding a drink with her friends (or by herself). I sometimes see some of these apps as 'coed drinking apps', because that's what you end up doing.
I happened upon a health focused fitness type person who I've been hanging out with for a few months. I remember our first date, when we were out hiking... she shouts "Let's grab a beer!". I challenged myself to the situation, went to the brewery at the bar in front of the taps, and ordered a burger and a sparkling water. We're not in a 'relationship', but we still hang out, and she seems to have a very strict attitude about her drinking. She cuts herself off at 2 ( though I've seen her put down more on weekends)... It seems like a difficult task that requires a lot of effort for her. I have no desire to drink/feel that way.
In all honesty, I don't have strong feelings for her and consider her a friend, but if I fell for someone who I thought I may spend the rest of my life with, I only imagine it being painful to not drink with that person (if they do). The condition here is that the person I'd want to spend my future with would likely not be a drinker, or a rare drinker.
I'm not sure if I should share this here, but I'm guessing some can relate to the idea of partying with someone in a relationship until it falls apart. I've done it while in the midst of drinking, and it was a trainwreck. You think the moments of 'bliss' are everlasting, but they're as fleeting and disappear with everything else. No one respects anything/anyone involved, and it pulls both parties into darker waters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by sobersolstice 
Dating while sober in our current world is very difficult.
You hop on a dating app, and almost every woman you see has a pic of herself holding a drink with her friends (or by herself). I sometimes see some of these apps as 'coed drinking apps', because that's what you end up doing.
I happened upon a health focused fitness type person who I've been hanging out with for a few months. I remember our first date, when we were out hiking... she shouts "Let's grab a beer!". I challenged myself to the situation, went to the brewery at the bar in front of the taps, and ordered a burger and a sparkling water. We're not in a 'relationship', but we still hang out, and she seems to have a very strict attitude about her drinking. She cuts herself off at 2 ( though I've seen her put down more on weekends)... It seems like a difficult task that requires a lot of effort for her. I have no desire to drink/feel that way.
In all honesty, I don't have strong feelings for her and consider her a friend, but if I fell for someone who I thought I may spend the rest of my life with, I only imagine it being painful to not drink with that person (if they do). The condition here is that the person I'd want to spend my future with would likely not be a drinker, or a rare drinker.
I'm not sure if I should share this here, but I'm guessing some can relate to the idea of partying with someone in a relationship until it falls apart. I've done it while in the midst of drinking, and it was a trainwreck. You think the moments of 'bliss' are everlasting, but they're as fleeting and disappear with everything else. No one respects anything/anyone involved, and it pulls both parties into darker waters.
You hop on a dating app, and almost every woman you see has a pic of herself holding a drink with her friends (or by herself). I sometimes see some of these apps as 'coed drinking apps', because that's what you end up doing.
I happened upon a health focused fitness type person who I've been hanging out with for a few months. I remember our first date, when we were out hiking... she shouts "Let's grab a beer!". I challenged myself to the situation, went to the brewery at the bar in front of the taps, and ordered a burger and a sparkling water. We're not in a 'relationship', but we still hang out, and she seems to have a very strict attitude about her drinking. She cuts herself off at 2 ( though I've seen her put down more on weekends)... It seems like a difficult task that requires a lot of effort for her. I have no desire to drink/feel that way.
In all honesty, I don't have strong feelings for her and consider her a friend, but if I fell for someone who I thought I may spend the rest of my life with, I only imagine it being painful to not drink with that person (if they do). The condition here is that the person I'd want to spend my future with would likely not be a drinker, or a rare drinker.
I'm not sure if I should share this here, but I'm guessing some can relate to the idea of partying with someone in a relationship until it falls apart. I've done it while in the midst of drinking, and it was a trainwreck. You think the moments of 'bliss' are everlasting, but they're as fleeting and disappear with everything else. No one respects anything/anyone involved, and it pulls both parties into darker waters.
SS you hit the nail on the head.
The only true way out is to find a teetotaler or a succsesful recovering person who is adamant on sobriety.
Anything else is just a mess for all parties involved.
I too have partied a relationship to the ground.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
Dating feels limiting at the moment, and that's the way it will be. If you're anything like me, dating/sex can be just as addictive as booze, so I've been treating my dates with a bit of an objective and logic-focused approach, but it's freakin' hard. I'm 7 mo sober, and really need to focus on that.
I've accepted I'm not ready to date women near my age. The have their stuff together by their late 30's, and expect men to be the same. I suppose I can 'date', but the outcome may result in disaster. The problem is that 20-somethings want to drink.
Someday, it'll all come together, and if not, I've done it to myself... I think it'll happen once you begin building a new base of friends and community as you grow into your sober-skin.
I feel like i have patches of 'sober-skin' here and there (akin to thick-skin), but I feel I need a few coats (10?) of sober-skin to delve into deeply emotional situations.
I've accepted I'm not ready to date women near my age. The have their stuff together by their late 30's, and expect men to be the same. I suppose I can 'date', but the outcome may result in disaster. The problem is that 20-somethings want to drink.
Someday, it'll all come together, and if not, I've done it to myself... I think it'll happen once you begin building a new base of friends and community as you grow into your sober-skin.
I feel like i have patches of 'sober-skin' here and there (akin to thick-skin), but I feel I need a few coats (10?) of sober-skin to delve into deeply emotional situations.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I just have to not drink and that's that.
what to do if you crave, what to do in difficult emotional circumstances...what to do is an opportunity to drink presents itself, what to do when you just say eff it...
A good plan will address all these things.
wishing you well, Renvate
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