Does anyone pretend to be a drinker
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,972
Does anyone pretend to be a drinker
I’ve been sober for a while now. Most of my friends and people I know well know that I don’t drink anymore. They don’t question my decision and don’t make comments. However, there are new people in my life who don’t know my drinking past or that I no longer drink.
It seems that most people assume that everyone drinks. After a stressful day, people say things like “go enjoy a glass or two of wine”. With events around town, even those that don’t revolve around wine tasting, it’s “go have fun and drink wine all day”. For a running event in wine country, “celebrate your half marathon with a glass of wine”. Etc. If it’s just a passing remark and I’m not going to be with the person who says it, I just go along and say “yeah, sounds great”. Once I even said “yeah, I’m getting hammered” (though I haven’t used that last one in a while). Sometimes, I even catch myself saying the same kind of things to others, like “you’ve had a hard day, you really need a drink or two.”
I’m pretty comfortable in my sobriety now. So not sure why I do this. Wtf. I think I need to make some changes here. .
It seems that most people assume that everyone drinks. After a stressful day, people say things like “go enjoy a glass or two of wine”. With events around town, even those that don’t revolve around wine tasting, it’s “go have fun and drink wine all day”. For a running event in wine country, “celebrate your half marathon with a glass of wine”. Etc. If it’s just a passing remark and I’m not going to be with the person who says it, I just go along and say “yeah, sounds great”. Once I even said “yeah, I’m getting hammered” (though I haven’t used that last one in a while). Sometimes, I even catch myself saying the same kind of things to others, like “you’ve had a hard day, you really need a drink or two.”
I’m pretty comfortable in my sobriety now. So not sure why I do this. Wtf. I think I need to make some changes here. .
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
I absolutely get that fearless! When I am with others that know nothing of my problem I find jokes including alcohol just slip out. For example I might joke that after the day I have had I am looking forward to wine o'clock or some other such comments. I cringe inside when I do it but I know that it's just me trying to fit in with the masses and not seem weird or different to them. Wish I didn't do that but those comments are getting less as time passes although every now and again one slips through. x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 177
I'm pretty new to soberity. So I'm the opposite to you. Most people assume I'm just takin a break , I went into a bar recently for a coffee and barman had started filling a drink for me that I normally would v drank , I did t but get what your saying , everything seems to resolve about drinking . Meet an old friend on street and it's I'll meet you some night for a drink , I just go sure we will and walk on , But as for new people , I think it's only heavy drinkers that give the ole You Don't Drink look , most people don t really care whether one drinks or does not .
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
I also notice that most people, whether work associates, clients, or whom ever speak of drinking as a casual remedy for a hard day or to celebrate......anything!
I have wondered from time to time if I notice more now that I don't drink, as I also notice others avoiding activities to drink. (can't go to a fitness class because it's during my happy hour time)
I'm just glad it's not me....it's irrelevant whether they drink occasionally or every night of the week, not my monkey ~ not my circus.
MY drinking led to lonely nights of pounding cheap wine, never socializing or going places, and many days of feeling so sick I wanted to crawl into a hole.
I'll have a ginger-ale please, and throw in a lime twist.
I have wondered from time to time if I notice more now that I don't drink, as I also notice others avoiding activities to drink. (can't go to a fitness class because it's during my happy hour time)
I'm just glad it's not me....it's irrelevant whether they drink occasionally or every night of the week, not my monkey ~ not my circus.
MY drinking led to lonely nights of pounding cheap wine, never socializing or going places, and many days of feeling so sick I wanted to crawl into a hole.
I'll have a ginger-ale please, and throw in a lime twist.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Yes, when I am out on dates with women I have just met, I say I am not currently drinking, but I don't tell them I am never drinking again. For me saying I am never drinking again indicates I have a problem with alcohol, and I don't want to be defined by this. I don't drink, life goes on, it doesn't mean anything to my life anymore other that I do not drink, so I don't want to be judged by people that don't know me yet.
To a couple of my closest friends, I have told them of my intention of never drinking again. One of them is a functioning alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not, he is, he is just in denial about it. Hopefully one day he will see the light before it's too late.
To a couple of my closest friends, I have told them of my intention of never drinking again. One of them is a functioning alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not, he is, he is just in denial about it. Hopefully one day he will see the light before it's too late.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE Arizona
Posts: 1,099
I don’t mention whether I drink. If someone notices that I don’t and chooses to mention it, I just say that I’m a teetotaler. If they ask why, my reply will range from a courteous “I don’t like it” to a sort of snarky “Why do you want to know?” depending on the way I am asked. In fact, the subject seldom arises in conversations.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Don't get me wrong, if someone asked me or we were out at a restaurant and I was offered wine I'd be more than happy and comfortable saying "no thanks, I don't drink". I am not ashamed of sobriety. The joke slips out on autopilot rather than a concious action.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Absolutely not. I am a consistent, open and honest person about the fact that I am gratefully and happily sober. I would have a serious problem on many levels if I felt the need to pretend or sugar coat it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 543
Good example last night for me... I really wanted to watch a game I couldn't see at home and went to a restaurant/bar I used to frequent to get a bite to eat and watch the game.
The bartender who knows me by name said "Miller Lite?" and I actually said "I'm trying to cut back on drinking so can I please have a Diet Coke?" (Bit of a smoke screen there... huh?)
Over the next couple of house, she just continues to refill the Diet Coke without asking if I wanted to switch over. That was refreshing!
At the end, I told her that I am actually trying to "cut down" on drinking (downplaying that I am trying to abstain) so I could lose weight and said to her that it was nice that I could still hang out and watch a game without drinking alcohol. (More smoke screen...)
She was like "Yes, that's totally cool... we have a lot of regulars that don't drink." It was great to hear. I am finding that most people (including my boss whom I have had many drinks with over the years) will support me when I don't want to drink (especially an acquaintance who is working for tips.)
That being said, I feel that family members are least likely to support my recovery. I've been more honest with them about what I am trying to do and they tend to want to downplay the problem.
The bartender who knows me by name said "Miller Lite?" and I actually said "I'm trying to cut back on drinking so can I please have a Diet Coke?" (Bit of a smoke screen there... huh?)
Over the next couple of house, she just continues to refill the Diet Coke without asking if I wanted to switch over. That was refreshing!
At the end, I told her that I am actually trying to "cut down" on drinking (downplaying that I am trying to abstain) so I could lose weight and said to her that it was nice that I could still hang out and watch a game without drinking alcohol. (More smoke screen...)
She was like "Yes, that's totally cool... we have a lot of regulars that don't drink." It was great to hear. I am finding that most people (including my boss whom I have had many drinks with over the years) will support me when I don't want to drink (especially an acquaintance who is working for tips.)
That being said, I feel that family members are least likely to support my recovery. I've been more honest with them about what I am trying to do and they tend to want to downplay the problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I am always open and honest about it. Most of the time people's comments are indirect about alcohol. Sometimes it will be something like, "wouldn't it be nice to relax with a couple drinks this weekend". I respond with something like 'I don't drink any more.' If I am in a joking mood I would say something like 'I don't have to live like that any more'.
Last week in my office there was a new girl who made a comment to me, and I said that I don't drink. She made a couple similar comments in the office to other employees, and it sounded like she was jonesing for booze and a drinking buddy. I eventually yelled over to her 'Hey...let me know if you want a meeting list'. It took her a minute to realize what a 'meeting list' was, and she said she didn't need AA.
I thought that was a good outcome. I was honest the whole time, and got my point across without pissing anyone off. The way she was talking about the booze made me think she could actually use a meeting list.
I don't beat around the bush about not drinking. If someone doesn't like it I would rather know right away so I can address it. My way of addressing it can be anything from avoiding them in the future to a verbal confrontation if they are out of line.
I have also had situations where people confided in me about a drinking/drug problem after I told them I don't drink anymore. The conversation would open up and I would tell them about my recovery. If I had lied to them and said I was 'taking a break' I would not have had that opportunity.
Last week in my office there was a new girl who made a comment to me, and I said that I don't drink. She made a couple similar comments in the office to other employees, and it sounded like she was jonesing for booze and a drinking buddy. I eventually yelled over to her 'Hey...let me know if you want a meeting list'. It took her a minute to realize what a 'meeting list' was, and she said she didn't need AA.
I thought that was a good outcome. I was honest the whole time, and got my point across without pissing anyone off. The way she was talking about the booze made me think she could actually use a meeting list.
I don't beat around the bush about not drinking. If someone doesn't like it I would rather know right away so I can address it. My way of addressing it can be anything from avoiding them in the future to a verbal confrontation if they are out of line.
I have also had situations where people confided in me about a drinking/drug problem after I told them I don't drink anymore. The conversation would open up and I would tell them about my recovery. If I had lied to them and said I was 'taking a break' I would not have had that opportunity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Drinking to relax is so embedded in culture, isn’t it? My friends know I don’t drink. My work friends don’t know - haven’t been out with them since I quit and we aren’t close, more drinking buddies than friends- so I’ve not felt the need to tell them.
They make comments about relaxing with wine or whatever. I usually just utter a non commital response.
One actually bought me a bottle of rum for my birthday a week ago. I just said thanks and gave it to my husband....lol
At the end of the day, however we respond is our choice and I think any which way we respond is fine.
They make comments about relaxing with wine or whatever. I usually just utter a non commital response.
One actually bought me a bottle of rum for my birthday a week ago. I just said thanks and gave it to my husband....lol
At the end of the day, however we respond is our choice and I think any which way we respond is fine.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
This thread makes me a little sad. I can't imagine not supporting someone who realizes they need to stop drinking- no one in my life is anything but supportive and, frankly, whether it was family or a "friend," I wouldn't tolerate them in my life if they didn't support my choice. If someone doesn't support another person working on recovery, they have a problem of their own (whether it is drinking related or not).
Everyone gets to choose for themselves if, when and how to share their choice not to drink, their story, alcoholism, so on (hopefully, rather than others doing it for you if you aren't open!). To me, it's one way that someone chooses to live their best life- I am an alcoholic so being sober is the path for me to live mine.
Everyone gets to choose for themselves if, when and how to share their choice not to drink, their story, alcoholism, so on (hopefully, rather than others doing it for you if you aren't open!). To me, it's one way that someone chooses to live their best life- I am an alcoholic so being sober is the path for me to live mine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
People I know are aware I don't drink. I told them, just to make sure they don't invite me out for "drinks" or bring me alcohol as they sometimes would. New people I tell them straight up if I'm invited for drinks. I tell them "I don't drink". Most people don't ask why, but if somebody does I will say proudly "I was an alcoholic and alcohol nearly ruined my life but I'm past that now". I admired alcoholics who were proud about their achievement. It shows strength of character to overcome an addition and be successful.
It just saves all the effort explaining later down the line.
It just saves all the effort explaining later down the line.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 177
I wonder are we as x drinkers over sensitive to casual remarks that people make about alcohol , remarks like its nearly wine o clock , and do you like a drink yourself. I think for most part people especially new people are just making conversation , in my previous attempts to stop drinking I used to tell people very quickly I don t drink , this time I don t bother cos as far as I'm concerned they just don't get it. I think it even confuses them as to why we are even telling them ,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I guess in a way I was lucky that I was such a public drunk at the end that I didn;t care what people thought about me being sober because me being drunk was so much worse.
I think I told just about everyone in my life I'd quit because I wanted people to know that me - the drunk me - was gone.
These days I don't have that drive to tell people I'm a non drinker.
Sometimes I have to - I have a 50th in a few weeks of a guy I haven't seen in 20 years - he's always liked my music, always has a jam band there...wants me to play...may be an overnighter.
I made sure he knew I was no longer a drinker, because sensible
Usually no thanks is enough - but I never pretend I'm a drinker.
I've worked hard not to be a drinker and I am proud of my journey - I feel I'd be cheapening that by pretending to still drink 'just not tonight'
D
I think I told just about everyone in my life I'd quit because I wanted people to know that me - the drunk me - was gone.
These days I don't have that drive to tell people I'm a non drinker.
Sometimes I have to - I have a 50th in a few weeks of a guy I haven't seen in 20 years - he's always liked my music, always has a jam band there...wants me to play...may be an overnighter.
I made sure he knew I was no longer a drinker, because sensible
Usually no thanks is enough - but I never pretend I'm a drinker.
I've worked hard not to be a drinker and I am proud of my journey - I feel I'd be cheapening that by pretending to still drink 'just not tonight'
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
If asked, I just say 'no thanks' and that's usually the end of it. If anyone asks me why I don't drink, I either say, I've already had enough to drink in my life, or, if they're being nosy, I just ask them 'does my not drinking bother you?' And that usually shuts them up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
Right after I got my DUI 4 years ago, I used to pretend I was drinking because I didn’t know how to tell my family/family’s friends that I couldn’t stand the sight of alcohol. I would fake the act of pouring vodka in my cup at house parties, and discreetly ask bartenders to bring me straight soda in drink glasses. It was so sad that I had to do that...but literally NOT drinking would have gotten more attention than if I drank a bottle naked on the bar. Looking back, I wish I would have just been honest and drank my water in peace, because it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 5
This is one of the things that as newly sober person I am scared to face. It does seem like everything revolves around alcohol. Game night, meals with friends, after work - and sometimes even during work! I'd be interested to hear some of the strategies others used in this forum for avoiding temptation in these scenarios?
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,337
Welcome Sarah knight !
this is a great place and I hope you explore the site more. There is an October class you can join, called that October 2018 class. There is a lot of support here and reading here and posting here is helped me gain more sober days than I ever thought possible .
To the others here on this thread:
I am not sorry about this discussion at all —I think it is a very good discussion. I think no one answer is wrong and no one answer is right. Judging doesn’t belong here. I think that each individual reacts their own way given the context of the situation.
For those people at work that I do not know well, and if they tell me as I’m going out the door “hey Laura when we get to our own homes we should sit down, have a glass of wine, and relax tonight!”
And I’ll just say “sounds fun!“
All of my close family and friends know that I do not drink. I do not pretend that I do, I.e. I do not put Welches grape juice in a wine glass in front of my friends. I have made ginger beer which is not an alcoholic with lime twists in it and I have a great time knowing that they know and respect my choices.
Thanks for a very great new thread, very good conversation and food for thought
this is a great place and I hope you explore the site more. There is an October class you can join, called that October 2018 class. There is a lot of support here and reading here and posting here is helped me gain more sober days than I ever thought possible .
To the others here on this thread:
I am not sorry about this discussion at all —I think it is a very good discussion. I think no one answer is wrong and no one answer is right. Judging doesn’t belong here. I think that each individual reacts their own way given the context of the situation.
For those people at work that I do not know well, and if they tell me as I’m going out the door “hey Laura when we get to our own homes we should sit down, have a glass of wine, and relax tonight!”
And I’ll just say “sounds fun!“
All of my close family and friends know that I do not drink. I do not pretend that I do, I.e. I do not put Welches grape juice in a wine glass in front of my friends. I have made ginger beer which is not an alcoholic with lime twists in it and I have a great time knowing that they know and respect my choices.
Thanks for a very great new thread, very good conversation and food for thought
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
