bexxed

I went to dinner with my gf and her parents tonight. Before dinner, I was already off. I was angry about something I couldn’t control and I knew it, but couldn’t shake it and was trying to find a way to control it. It had nothing to do with my personal life and did pertain to my work, and has a political edge to it so I’m not saying here what it was because of the no politics rule. I ended up being snippy in the car with my gf about navigating a road detour and apparently was so unpleasant that she asked if we needed to reschedule the dinner, as we were walking to the restaurant. I felt terrible. Truthfully she was probably onto something because I was just not in a good space for lighthearted small talk. It was my gf mom’s birthday and she deserved a pleasant time and I promise I was not outwardly unpleasant, but probably a little shifty and self conscious, and I could feel myself being that way which made it worse. I did not behave inappropriately, I just wasn’t my best self and maybe I’m just beating myself up.

It’s been over two years that I have been sober so I don’t have issues in restaurants with people drinking anymore. Tonight was no different in the sense that I had no desire to drink but tonight I did feel different and separate from the others at the table. About five minutes into the event someone I know walked in, a guy who is sober many years and active in AA, who I know from my job although we don’t work together. He was being goofy and happy, sneaking up behind me. His light and fun vibes are infectious and I really wanted to hang out with him at that moment but obviously couldn’t. I think he was also there for a family oriented birthday dinner.

My gf and her parents had polite amounts of drinks, sat politely, talked somewhat politely and the conversation turned to alcohol numerous times. I have not been forthcoming with them about my issues, they just seem to know I don’t drink, or, at least “am not drinking”. I don’t know. I’ve never outed myself as an alcoholic. In real life I’m a pretty private person.

I just felt uncomfortable. I always feel like a fraud with these people for some reason. I don’t know why. I have a hard time articulating anything and I feel like they don’t like me. I hated the long description of some rum drink they made at a Tupperware party in 1986, I hated how unintelligent I sounded discussing the public school system in California, I hated telling the waitress i was really still ok with seltzer FIVE times, with the conversation around me stopping every time, I hated that I wasn’t at home or literally doing almost anything else other than this. I was angry and tired and I feel like my serenity is off.

Came home and came here and it occurred to me that maybe other alcoholics in recovery might get it. It feels a little better to just get it out. To be clear there was zero chance I would drink in this circumstance, but I don’t really use the other forums so if this wasn’t appropriate for newcomers feel free to move it.

Earlier today I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and how I haven’t seen my family in a long time because I always do holidays with my gf family, and I really want to make amends with some members of mine who are on the other side of the country. I know that all of this is related.

Would welcome thoughts from old timers.

Back to basics. I need to get back on the Gratitude wagon.

Thanks for listening.

bexxed

Dee74

Sounds to me like you have a good grasp on what the problem is Bexxed.

I dunno about you but I'm still not a saint I'm way better than I used to be in a whole lot of ways but I have bad, angry, selfish immature and grumpy times too - I think that's pretty much everyones story?

keep up the self improvement for sure - but don;t beat yourself up mercilessly either.

Cut yourself a little slack

D

Charli23

bexxed

Thanks, guys. It’s hard to navigate sometimes.

Hevyn

Wonderful post, bexxed. I can relate to many of the things you were feeling at that dinner table.
Please be kind & patient with yourself. We're all still healing & finding our way.

Anna

Bexxed, we all get cranky sometimes. It sounds like dinner with your gf's family is somewhat stressful. I would bet that they like you and find you interesting to talk to. I like your idea of beginning to make some amends with your family and perhaps spending time with them. It sounds like you may think the time is right to do that.

matrac

I think that you should try to explain yourself to her in a way that you’d want to hear it if she had something to tell you. We all have bad days. Apologize if you need to. Nothing wrong with wanting to see your family this year.

Helianthus

You are not alone l definitely go through phases like that and you are completely correct, jump back on the gratitude wagon. That's the only thing that adjusts my outlook on life when l find myself cranky all the time.

You sound like you know what you're doing, good luck