Breaking point
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Breaking point
So...after finding the final confirmation of his 'problem' on Monday..and getting his word this morning that hes going to try to stop by himself but if he cant he will go to the doctors (yeah right) l get in tonight from my friends house to find he had downed some jack daniels. Hes is bed. I get what's left of the bottle and throw the contents all over him...right in the face too! I tell him he can have the lot as he can't even keep his word for 24 hours. After a screaming march he says l " will not take away his individuallity" (excuse me while l just p*ss myself laughing) and that he WILL be drinking what and when he wants.
I think ive reached the lowest point possible and am ashamed of my actions. But ive been driven to this. He thinks because he didn't hide it that its ok. And that he only drinks at night like most guys and never gets blind drunk.
I think ive reached the lowest point possible and am ashamed of my actions. But ive been driven to this. He thinks because he didn't hide it that its ok. And that he only drinks at night like most guys and never gets blind drunk.
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I'm sorry, awal. He doesn't have a problem with drinking. You do. You said you hated the lying the most. So, he stopped lying and continues to drink. He has the right to drink, you know. You have the right not to like it, but you have to decide whether this is what you want from here on because he is obviously not going to stop.
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I agree with Suki. He is an adult and it’s not illegal to drink alcohol. He knows you know he’s drinking anyway, so why not? Do you go to Al-Anon? His recovery (or not) is on him and you have very little influence.
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Sorry to hear about the recent developments. I don't have any personal experiences in a similar situation.
Do you think that he wants to quit? Has he taken any actions on his own to get into recovery?
Do you think that he wants to quit? Has he taken any actions on his own to get into recovery?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
My AXBF made promises to cut back, get help, stop drinking, et cetera, ad nauseam. He might have even kept some of these promises temporarily, but it never lasted. I think the worst part was the fact that every single time I believed him, and every single time my hopes were crushed. I understand your rage. It is difficult to tolerate such consistent disappointment and such blatant disregard of your feelings and boundaries.
As for dousing him in his own alcohol? I, too, behaved in ways I wasn't proud of: snooping through his belongings, throwing things at him, destroying his property, screaming so loud the neighbors could hear. I even did things I'm too ashamed to admit. The truth is, I became an ugly person with him. It doesn't sound like your partner is bringing out the best in you either.
The good news is, you have a choice. You don't have to live this life a moment longer. I reached my rock bottom... eventually. Perhaps this is yours. Only you will know if/when you're truly finished, but I can tell you this for certain: you deserve so much more.
As for dousing him in his own alcohol? I, too, behaved in ways I wasn't proud of: snooping through his belongings, throwing things at him, destroying his property, screaming so loud the neighbors could hear. I even did things I'm too ashamed to admit. The truth is, I became an ugly person with him. It doesn't sound like your partner is bringing out the best in you either.
The good news is, you have a choice. You don't have to live this life a moment longer. I reached my rock bottom... eventually. Perhaps this is yours. Only you will know if/when you're truly finished, but I can tell you this for certain: you deserve so much more.
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
I agree with Suki. He is an adult and it’s not illegal to drink alcohol. He knows you know he’s drinking anyway, so why not? Do you go to Al-Anon? His recovery (or not) is on him and you have very little influence.
will they laugh when they see the state im in...
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Originally Posted by suki44883
I'm sorry, awal. He doesn't have a problem with drinking. You do. You said you hated the lying the most. So, he stopped lying and continues to drink. He has the right to drink, you know. You have the right not to like it, but you have to decide whether this is what you want from here on because he is obviously not going to stop.
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Originally Posted by OpioPhobe
Sorry to hear about the recent developments. I don't have any personal experiences in a similar situation.
Do you think that he wants to quit? Has he taken any actions on his own to get into recovery?
Do you think that he wants to quit? Has he taken any actions on his own to get into recovery?
he hasnt and wont take any action...l know this now...
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Originally Posted by SaveHer
My AXBF made promises to cut back, get help, stop drinking, et cetera, ad nauseam. He might have even kept some of these promises temporarily, but it never lasted. I think the worst part was the fact that every single time I believed him, and every single time my hopes were crushed. I understand your rage. It is difficult to tolerate such consistent disappointment and such blatant disregard of your feelings and boundaries.
As for dousing him in his own alcohol? I, too, behaved in ways I wasn't proud of: snooping through his belongings, throwing things at him, destroying his property, screaming so loud the neighbors could hear. I even did things I'm too ashamed to admit. The truth is, I became an ugly person with him. It doesn't sound like your partner is bringing out the best in you either.
The good news is, you have a choice. You don't have to live this life a moment longer. I reached my rock bottom... eventually. Perhaps this is yours. Only you will know if/when you're truly finished, but I can tell you this for certain: you deserve so much more.
As for dousing him in his own alcohol? I, too, behaved in ways I wasn't proud of: snooping through his belongings, throwing things at him, destroying his property, screaming so loud the neighbors could hear. I even did things I'm too ashamed to admit. The truth is, I became an ugly person with him. It doesn't sound like your partner is bringing out the best in you either.
The good news is, you have a choice. You don't have to live this life a moment longer. I reached my rock bottom... eventually. Perhaps this is yours. Only you will know if/when you're truly finished, but I can tell you this for certain: you deserve so much more.
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Awal, I think that's why this is called a family disease. Everyone who loves an alcoholic/addict is affected in one way or another.
Many, many, many of us reach a point when we realize that we don't like who we have become. How our own actions do not reflect our best selves. We realize how sick we really have become...
I think we have all had to decide whether to seek help for ourselves or not. I hope that you get to attend that meeting tomorrow. I hope that you can begin to find some peace for yourself in your life regardless of whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. It is possible!
Many, many, many of us reach a point when we realize that we don't like who we have become. How our own actions do not reflect our best selves. We realize how sick we really have become...
I think we have all had to decide whether to seek help for ourselves or not. I hope that you get to attend that meeting tomorrow. I hope that you can begin to find some peace for yourself in your life regardless of whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. It is possible!
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Awal, get you to a counsellor asap. You were bound to explode at some point, and it's going to happen again.
From the very start you haven't been able to detach. I'm not saying that in a blaming way as I can really understand why. But if you still want to save your marriage for financial or other reasons, you're going to have to come to terms with the current state of affairs, and that's much easier with counselling.
From the very start you haven't been able to detach. I'm not saying that in a blaming way as I can really understand why. But if you still want to save your marriage for financial or other reasons, you're going to have to come to terms with the current state of affairs, and that's much easier with counselling.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Awal, get you to a counsellor asap. You were bound to explode at some point, and it's going to happen again.
From the very start you haven't been able to detach. I'm not saying that in a blaming way as I can really understand why. But if you still want to save your marriage for financial or other reasons, you're going to have to come to terms with the current state of affairs, and that's much easier with counselling.
From the very start you haven't been able to detach. I'm not saying that in a blaming way as I can really understand why. But if you still want to save your marriage for financial or other reasons, you're going to have to come to terms with the current state of affairs, and that's much easier with counselling.
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((Awal))
Apologizing or not is about your values and character. You
should apologize if you feel it is right thing for you to do.
Apologizing or not apologizing based on his actions or non
actions is how we lose ourselves in this family disease.
It's ok to take any time you need to decide. And you
don't need to tell him what you are doing with meetings
and such if you don't feel he will support you.
Apologizing or not is about your values and character. You
should apologize if you feel it is right thing for you to do.
Apologizing or not apologizing based on his actions or non
actions is how we lose ourselves in this family disease.
It's ok to take any time you need to decide. And you
don't need to tell him what you are doing with meetings
and such if you don't feel he will support you.
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Awal.…..from my point of view...I think an apology would be in order.
If he had done done something similar--like if he had poured coffee all over you and threw some in your face...wouldn't you want an apology?
I understand the white-not rage....the point where one is acting on pure emotion--rage.....and, have lost control of reason......because, I have felt that kind of rage.....and, I sure would like to take it back....
The thing is...when a person gets to the point of physical aggression....to an abusive level...it is time to stop and say "What am I doing?"...…
I think that going to the support group is a good step, for you.....you are in need of some face to face support where you can be honest with your feelings to people who will understand and help.....
I really wish that you would go back and read through all of your threads. It seems to me that you have stuffed lots and lots of anger and frustration (and the fear and sadness that underlies that anger), for so long--it has become like a pressure cooker.
I think that the anger has been so intense that it has prevented you from being able to really absorb much of the material that has been presented to you....and that you have said things that you don't really mean.....
For example....you have said, several times that it is NOT the drink that bothers you--it is the lying. You have said that you understand that he has a disease. You have said that, once you found the "evidence"...he was free to do what he wants and you are free to do what you want with your life....You have said that you don't have any expectations of him other than to stop the lying.
I actually do think that you have expectations of him--deep down.
I actually do think that you want much more than for him to just stop the lying.
I am wondering if you are not feeling that he has crushed all of your dreams for your future. As I understand it...from your posts, you have been together for 17 years...and married for the last two. This seems to coincide with his retirement-and a reduction of the quality of your marital relationship....You put so much on the line to be with him, in the first place...and, I imagine that this turn of events must feel crushing to you.....hence, the anger--the rage of having your dreams taken away and the frustration of having no feeling of control over that....he seeming helplessness of it.....
I would like to point out, again, that his lying is not about you. It is not directed AT you. alcoholics don't drink, and lie about it to hurt other people (though it does)….they do it because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do--in order to protect their ability to drink...because it feels like life and death to them. It really does...something that a non-alcoholic can never fully understand.
I hop that you can come to accept this fact...because it will help you to not take his lying so personally....
I hope that you will study what the true nature of alcoholism/addiction is....because that knowledge will help you to have a more objective view, rather than totally subjective view. Knowledge is power...and, I do believe that the knowledge will help to set you free....
I think it might be a good idea to get away, with your dog, again...to get some space, so that you can get some more clarity of thought and settle your mind.....
If he had done done something similar--like if he had poured coffee all over you and threw some in your face...wouldn't you want an apology?
I understand the white-not rage....the point where one is acting on pure emotion--rage.....and, have lost control of reason......because, I have felt that kind of rage.....and, I sure would like to take it back....
The thing is...when a person gets to the point of physical aggression....to an abusive level...it is time to stop and say "What am I doing?"...…
I think that going to the support group is a good step, for you.....you are in need of some face to face support where you can be honest with your feelings to people who will understand and help.....
I really wish that you would go back and read through all of your threads. It seems to me that you have stuffed lots and lots of anger and frustration (and the fear and sadness that underlies that anger), for so long--it has become like a pressure cooker.
I think that the anger has been so intense that it has prevented you from being able to really absorb much of the material that has been presented to you....and that you have said things that you don't really mean.....
For example....you have said, several times that it is NOT the drink that bothers you--it is the lying. You have said that you understand that he has a disease. You have said that, once you found the "evidence"...he was free to do what he wants and you are free to do what you want with your life....You have said that you don't have any expectations of him other than to stop the lying.
I actually do think that you have expectations of him--deep down.
I actually do think that you want much more than for him to just stop the lying.
I am wondering if you are not feeling that he has crushed all of your dreams for your future. As I understand it...from your posts, you have been together for 17 years...and married for the last two. This seems to coincide with his retirement-and a reduction of the quality of your marital relationship....You put so much on the line to be with him, in the first place...and, I imagine that this turn of events must feel crushing to you.....hence, the anger--the rage of having your dreams taken away and the frustration of having no feeling of control over that....he seeming helplessness of it.....
I would like to point out, again, that his lying is not about you. It is not directed AT you. alcoholics don't drink, and lie about it to hurt other people (though it does)….they do it because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do--in order to protect their ability to drink...because it feels like life and death to them. It really does...something that a non-alcoholic can never fully understand.
I hop that you can come to accept this fact...because it will help you to not take his lying so personally....
I hope that you will study what the true nature of alcoholism/addiction is....because that knowledge will help you to have a more objective view, rather than totally subjective view. Knowledge is power...and, I do believe that the knowledge will help to set you free....
I think it might be a good idea to get away, with your dog, again...to get some space, so that you can get some more clarity of thought and settle your mind.....
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Posts: 543
Originally Posted by dandylion
Awal.…..from my point of view...I think an apology would be in order.
If he had done done something similar--like if he had poured coffee all over you and threw some in your face...wouldn't you want an apology?
I understand the white-not rage....the point where one is acting on pure emotion--rage.....and, have lost control of reason......because, I have felt that kind of rage.....and, I sure would like to take it back....
The thing is...when a person gets to the point of physical aggression....to an abusive level...it is time to stop and say "What am I doing?"...…
I think that going to the support group is a good step, for you.....you are in need of some face to face support where you can be honest with your feelings to people who will understand and help.....
I really wish that you would go back and read through all of your threads. It seems to me that you have stuffed lots and lots of anger and frustration (and the fear and sadness that underlies that anger), for so long--it has become like a pressure cooker.
I think that the anger has been so intense that it has prevented you from being able to really absorb much of the material that has been presented to you....and that you have said things that you don't really mean.....
For example....you have said, several times that it is NOT the drink that bothers you--it is the lying. You have said that you understand that he has a disease. You have said that, once you found the "evidence"...he was free to do what he wants and you are free to do what you want with your life....You have said that you don't have any expectations of him other than to stop the lying.
I actually do think that you have expectations of him--deep down.
I actually do think that you want much more than for him to just stop the lying.
I am wondering if you are not feeling that he has crushed all of your dreams for your future. As I understand it...from your posts, you have been together for 17 years...and married for the last two. This seems to coincide with his retirement-and a reduction of the quality of your marital relationship....You put so much on the line to be with him, in the first place...and, I imagine that this turn of events must feel crushing to you.....hence, the anger--the rage of having your dreams taken away and the frustration of having no feeling of control over that....he seeming helplessness of it.....
I would like to point out, again, that his lying is not about you. It is not directed AT you. alcoholics don't drink, and lie about it to hurt other people (though it does)….they do it because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do--in order to protect their ability to drink...because it feels like life and death to them. It really does...something that a non-alcoholic can never fully understand.
I hop that you can come to accept this fact...because it will help you to not take his lying so personally....
I hope that you will study what the true nature of alcoholism/addiction is....because that knowledge will help you to have a more objective view, rather than totally subjective view. Knowledge is power...and, I do believe that the knowledge will help to set you free....
I think it might be a good idea to get away, with your dog, again...to get some space, so that you can get some more clarity of thought and settle your mind.....
If he had done done something similar--like if he had poured coffee all over you and threw some in your face...wouldn't you want an apology?
I understand the white-not rage....the point where one is acting on pure emotion--rage.....and, have lost control of reason......because, I have felt that kind of rage.....and, I sure would like to take it back....
The thing is...when a person gets to the point of physical aggression....to an abusive level...it is time to stop and say "What am I doing?"...…
I think that going to the support group is a good step, for you.....you are in need of some face to face support where you can be honest with your feelings to people who will understand and help.....
I really wish that you would go back and read through all of your threads. It seems to me that you have stuffed lots and lots of anger and frustration (and the fear and sadness that underlies that anger), for so long--it has become like a pressure cooker.
I think that the anger has been so intense that it has prevented you from being able to really absorb much of the material that has been presented to you....and that you have said things that you don't really mean.....
For example....you have said, several times that it is NOT the drink that bothers you--it is the lying. You have said that you understand that he has a disease. You have said that, once you found the "evidence"...he was free to do what he wants and you are free to do what you want with your life....You have said that you don't have any expectations of him other than to stop the lying.
I actually do think that you have expectations of him--deep down.
I actually do think that you want much more than for him to just stop the lying.
I am wondering if you are not feeling that he has crushed all of your dreams for your future. As I understand it...from your posts, you have been together for 17 years...and married for the last two. This seems to coincide with his retirement-and a reduction of the quality of your marital relationship....You put so much on the line to be with him, in the first place...and, I imagine that this turn of events must feel crushing to you.....hence, the anger--the rage of having your dreams taken away and the frustration of having no feeling of control over that....he seeming helplessness of it.....
I would like to point out, again, that his lying is not about you. It is not directed AT you. alcoholics don't drink, and lie about it to hurt other people (though it does)….they do it because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do--in order to protect their ability to drink...because it feels like life and death to them. It really does...something that a non-alcoholic can never fully understand.
I hop that you can come to accept this fact...because it will help you to not take his lying so personally....
I hope that you will study what the true nature of alcoholism/addiction is....because that knowledge will help you to have a more objective view, rather than totally subjective view. Knowledge is power...and, I do believe that the knowledge will help to set you free....
I think it might be a good idea to get away, with your dog, again...to get some space, so that you can get some more clarity of thought and settle your mind.....
i know l shouldve ignored the fact he had been st the JD last night but the emotion of betrayal after listening to the BS once again overpowered me. I am ashamed because no one deserves treatment like that...least of all someone so desperately unhappy. It was his defiance "lm GOING to have a drink when l want one" etc...so why even make the earlier empty promise. 😔
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Please, please keep yourself out of harms way.
I absolutely understand your frustration with your current situation, but throwing /pouring liquor on him while he is under the influence may/ can result in bodily injury to YOU. Do not poke the sleeping /awake bear.
As someone else stated, he has the right to drink.
You have the right to not accept his drinking.
People end up in jail everyday on domestic assault charges. Be careful, be smart, be safe.
I absolutely understand your frustration with your current situation, but throwing /pouring liquor on him while he is under the influence may/ can result in bodily injury to YOU. Do not poke the sleeping /awake bear.
As someone else stated, he has the right to drink.
You have the right to not accept his drinking.
People end up in jail everyday on domestic assault charges. Be careful, be smart, be safe.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
A favorite story...…..Once there were two ladies who were having a chat, together, on a bench, in the park. Far above them, on a wire, were several birds, having a sit.
The birds were doing what they were designed to do...what came naturally, for birds. They were chattering away, and making bird droppings.
The ladies became very indignant...…"Those horrible birds....how dare they design to ruin our time, together, with their droppings!" and, they moved, angrily, away.....
The birds were puzzled by this...." I wonder what is up with those ladies....we are doing what we birds are supposed to do."...….
The birds were doing what they were designed to do...what came naturally, for birds. They were chattering away, and making bird droppings.
The ladies became very indignant...…"Those horrible birds....how dare they design to ruin our time, together, with their droppings!" and, they moved, angrily, away.....
The birds were puzzled by this...." I wonder what is up with those ladies....we are doing what we birds are supposed to do."...….
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by Awal
Question for advice from those who know and understand...do l send him a message to apologise for my behaviour last night..or do l leave it and say nothing? I dont trust my own judgement anymore...��
I would apologize but just a suggestion, keep it genuine but short and to the point. Otherwise you might end up defending yourself and that might not go so well right now.
Just an acronym that can be helpful - JADE - no need to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This helps to keep you from getting in to circular conversations.
You have your counselling coming up and perhaps a discussion after you are feeling more grounded would be more productive.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Awal
It was his defiance "lm GOING to have a drink when l want one" etc...so why even make the earlier empty promise. 😔
I had an out-of-control moment much like the one you experienced & it scared me more than anything he'd ever done because it was clear to me that I was losing control over Me. It made me open up my thinking a little to accept that maybe I was just as sick as he was - or at least getting there rapidly.
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