Janis

I had to turn down a co-worker for drinks which isn't that horrible but then found out from my building security that my stalker showed up and left me some clothes or something. That agitation was something that I had to sit with and man did I want that quick relief.

Now I have a work dinner to go to where there will be alcohol. It feels like a lot of alcohol hurdles to get through. I've made the conscious choice not to drink. I will have a diet coke instead. I have a 7am flight to NY tomorrow for work anyway but the alcoholic demon in my head doesn't care what else I have going on. It just wants more and more and more. Tells me I'll figure it out later then I'm filled with anxiety and stumbling around my condo morning of scrambling to throw things in a bag and get out the door as I can still taste the stale wine and the alcohol is just coming off my skin. I don't shower and look awful. Typically try and throw some makeup on when on the plane to hide my swollen eyes. Hoping that I don't have some big knot in the back of my head because I didn't have time to make sure I didn't look crazy. I simply can't live that way anymore. Locked in a prison of alcohol as I isolate and drink by myself and have that anxiety daily of my life just slipping away.

Need to remember 1 drink for me awakens that demon and I will be off to the races. I can lose months when this happens. Hell I didn't even want to get sober again but I did for some reason and now that my head is clearing I'm freaked out by the fact that I was lost in it for so long.

I'm functional, if you can even call it that. Living doing the bare minimum of what you are capable of isn't functioning. Good job that I'm anxious about all the time because I can't wait to get out and drink. Have drank while working from home. Can't organize myself in my haze. Now I'm actually showering and showing up to do my job without trying to escape.

Feels good to admit all this even if it is just an on-line forum.

Sorry I needed to just get this out there and out of my head.

Gettingcloser

Been there , done that. I would be really good all weekend and then Sunday afternoon the AV would show up strong and it didn't matter what I had going on the next day. This is the insanity but I finally reached the point where you are at and I started fighting for myself. It is soooo worth it to stay sober.

biminiblue

Keep doing the next right thing. It's going to get a lot easier, and better.

Well done talking yourself off that ledge. Keep doing that.

Dee74

If all else fails, have an escape plan Janis - be sick or something.

D

Anna

I think that planning ahead and being prepared are good ideas for you. And, as Dee said, have an escape plan.

orderfororder

"Hell I didn't even want to get sober again but I did for some reason"

Come on now, you know the reasons. You even allude to some in this very post.

Stay focused and don't let momentary frustrations knock you off your game. In a short period of time, those frustrations won't sting as much, and you'll be glad you didn't awaken the demon.

Plan ahead!

Justin00

I was able to hold on to my job out of pure luck, while being drunk some days. Don't know where I would be if I had suddenly lost it. No job, lots of free time, guilt, pain? Probably would have drank till I die.

Guener

Hi, Janis, and thank you for sharing your story, as it brings back a lot of memories for me. I had a job for years where I was travelling all the time, high pressure, and plenty of opportunities to drink either with others or alone were there all the time. There were so many risk factors involved for me in trying to live soberly, so many opportunities to drink. What I used to do:

1. Drink during my air travel to/from a client's site. Airport clubs and bars were favorite haunts for me.
2. Drink alone in my hotel room, even while working.
3. Drink at home while working remotely.

It was all too "easy" for me to indulge my own demon for a long time this way (and in others). My behaviors naturally became more progressive along the path, and it cost me more than one job. I couldn't manage to handle it along the way before, for me, it was too late. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

I did start my road to recovery during this time period, though. Once life at home got too crazy with my fiancee, I started to do some things about it. I altered my plans to include attendance at AA for the first time, both at home and on the road, and that gave me some insights that I could, at least for periods of time, not drink. But I was not sober, even while not drinking, because I hadn't started to put my priority of becoming sober at the number one place on my list. In the end I lost more work, lost my fiance, lost my shelter over my head. What I did learn was that there was a possibility of change from all of this hardship I brought on myself through drinking.

In the subsequent couple of years I have been through a lot, too. But increasingly I have put my sobriety ahead of other things to the point that I have another job, actively engage in staying sober through addressing my mental health and physical health first. There are ways to do it but, for myself, not alone.

You don't have to go down my path to get to a different place, but if you don't make some serious changes you could. I'm not chiding you for either your own behaviors or present situation, that's not what I care to do nor find it helpful to me when it's been done to me. My story is mine and not necessarily yours to live.

Janis

Really powerful and helpful stuff here. I needed to hear that. Now to the next work function today after being up since 3am due to insomnia and an early flight. I didn't drink at the last one and I am not drinking at this one. Not going to drink. Not going to drink. I keep rereading the replies and remembering what it looks like when I drink.

I'm not like other people. I can't have just one. I lose months of my life to the alcohol demon. It's like an alter ego that takes over until I get sober again. I really don't know how I managed to get myself not to drink to get out of that haze but I don't want to go back. I don't know if I'll come out again or if I do what consequences I will be facing due to the alcohol monster.

Thank you.

Primativo

I got to the point where I was drinking wine on the way to work. In fact, I'd wake up, have a few shots of whiskey just to be able to leave my house and get ready to face the day. Of course I'd then keep myself topped up with alcohol throughout the day, never letting myself sober up enough to withdraw.

I'd then leave work and I'd be so excited on the way home, as it was the only part of the day where I knew I could drink uninterrupted and not have to hide it. How crazy is that? I was already drunk and I'd be excited about drinking some more. I'd then get quite drunk again at home, pass out and wake up in the morning and repeat the cycle again.

There is absolutely nothing to gain from drinking again. You will reawaken the demon as you well know and it just sets you way back. We all know where drinking ends, it isn't fun for us anymore. It's torture.