Should I stop trying to help the father of my child?
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 14
Should I stop trying to help the father of my child?
My boyfriend and I were together for about 8 months. The past 3 months I wanna say,we were getting into huge fights because of his drug problem. He started disappearing on me and not telling me where he was at for weeks at a time. I stared making sure he didn’t bring drugs in my house and I guess he had no use to stay if he couldn’t do drugs.
But anyway,the past few weeks have been horrible. The last time I spoke to him he didn’t seem to care if we were together or not and didn’t care at all about his unborn child. I’ve tried my best to help him and I admit I have said some mean things to him out of anger,but I apologized for it. He has stolen from me,lied to me and I’m not entirely convinced he hasn’t cheated on me. Yet for some reason I want to help him because I feel like his drug problem is going to kill him.
The obvious answer would be to let him go but something keeps telling me to reach out and try. I don’t know. I need reassurance or something. My heart is so heavy after all he has put me through. I feel dumb for even caring after the crap he has done to me.
But anyway,the past few weeks have been horrible. The last time I spoke to him he didn’t seem to care if we were together or not and didn’t care at all about his unborn child. I’ve tried my best to help him and I admit I have said some mean things to him out of anger,but I apologized for it. He has stolen from me,lied to me and I’m not entirely convinced he hasn’t cheated on me. Yet for some reason I want to help him because I feel like his drug problem is going to kill him.
The obvious answer would be to let him go but something keeps telling me to reach out and try. I don’t know. I need reassurance or something. My heart is so heavy after all he has put me through. I feel dumb for even caring after the crap he has done to me.
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Hi Michelle,
I'm sorry for your situation with your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like he's ready to seek help for himself, but hopefully that will change at some point.
I hope that you focus on your pregnancy and your own well-being. Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for you?
I'm sorry for your situation with your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like he's ready to seek help for himself, but hopefully that will change at some point.
I hope that you focus on your pregnancy and your own well-being. Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for you?
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 14
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Originally Posted by Anna 
Hi Michelle,
I'm sorry for your situation with your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like he's ready to seek help for himself, but hopefully that will change at some point.
I hope that you focus on your pregnancy and your own well-being. Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for you?
I'm sorry for your situation with your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like he's ready to seek help for himself, but hopefully that will change at some point.
I hope that you focus on your pregnancy and your own well-being. Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for you?
Sorry I’m not the best at replying on these things. It has been so hard on me when he does me this way that I feel like it’s affecting my pregnancy. I haven’t tried finding any support groups around here because I’m kinda new to this area. I really sit alone 80% of the time. I suffer from anxiety and depression and it has been affecting me so much that it’s interfering with work and I don’t know. I just want him to be better.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 154
Definitely check into the AlAnon literature if you can't get to a meeting.
It's important to remember that he's not making these decisions in a rational mindset. Try not to take his actions or words personally. He sounds like he's in the throes of addiction, which is both a horrible place to be and a horrible thing to experience as a loved one.
Perhaps distance from you is what he will need in order to open his eyes and seek help. Either way, it will have to be his choice. And you still have to take care of yourself. Your anxiety, depression, pregnancy, these are all things that need tending toward and you should feel no shame in putting your efforts into making sure that you're okay. Typical relationship fights and emotions likely won't help in this situation. You need to be rational and protective of yourself, as hard as that may be.
It's important to remember that he's not making these decisions in a rational mindset. Try not to take his actions or words personally. He sounds like he's in the throes of addiction, which is both a horrible place to be and a horrible thing to experience as a loved one.
Perhaps distance from you is what he will need in order to open his eyes and seek help. Either way, it will have to be his choice. And you still have to take care of yourself. Your anxiety, depression, pregnancy, these are all things that need tending toward and you should feel no shame in putting your efforts into making sure that you're okay. Typical relationship fights and emotions likely won't help in this situation. You need to be rational and protective of yourself, as hard as that may be.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome,
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
I hope that you have a strong support system to help you with your babies!
It is harder leaving someone than it is staying in the muck of a crappy relationship.
I am a big believer in time heals all wounds. In time you will no longer think about it, his whereabouts or how he is and so on.
For him to be any kind of father, a good one that your baby can look up to and admire, he is going to have to be sober, for a long time.
I would never allow an addict around my child, so much so, I kicked my mother out of our life.
I will not allow my child to be influenced by someone so unstable, so gross (that is the only word I can think of, but gross works)
I am here to protect my child the best that I can. I choose who is in his life and who his influences are, a practicing alcoholic or a drug addict is not a good influence.
I wish you the best,
DC
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
I hope that you have a strong support system to help you with your babies!
It is harder leaving someone than it is staying in the muck of a crappy relationship.
I am a big believer in time heals all wounds. In time you will no longer think about it, his whereabouts or how he is and so on.
For him to be any kind of father, a good one that your baby can look up to and admire, he is going to have to be sober, for a long time.
I would never allow an addict around my child, so much so, I kicked my mother out of our life.
I will not allow my child to be influenced by someone so unstable, so gross (that is the only word I can think of, but gross works)
I am here to protect my child the best that I can. I choose who is in his life and who his influences are, a practicing alcoholic or a drug addict is not a good influence.
I wish you the best,
DC
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The obvious answer would be to let him go but something keeps telling me to reach out and try.
He was a drug addict before you came along and he’ll remain a drug addict long after you are gone. You are not his source for recovery, a baby is not his source for recovery. He and only he can be responsible for his own recovery, and only if that is what he chooses. Addiction stinks and addicts are selfish hurtful people when in active addiction.
His addiction has nothing at all to do with you, you unfortunately are a causality of his addiction.
No contact = no new hurts
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You cannot help someone who doesn't want help. He has stolen from you, lied to you, and you aren't sure he hasn't cheated on you. He acts like he doesn't care about your unborn child because the only thing he cares about is his next fix. Will it eventually kill him? Maybe, maybe not, but your focus should be on your unborn child and yourself.
You only have 8 months invested in this relationship, but if you continue to welcome him into your life, you will be miserable for years to come. The last thing a baby needs is to be exposed to a drug addict. If love and caring could cure our addicts, this board wouldn't exist. Save yourself and your child.
You only have 8 months invested in this relationship, but if you continue to welcome him into your life, you will be miserable for years to come. The last thing a baby needs is to be exposed to a drug addict. If love and caring could cure our addicts, this board wouldn't exist. Save yourself and your child.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Welcome to SR. Kudos on reaching out and being here.
Here's a link to Al-anon info. There's also a self-assessment quiz there. Being at in-person meetings was vital to my growing support network. Learning to allow support in a skill gained by little, new actions.
http://www.al-anon.org/
Here's a link to Al-anon info. There's also a self-assessment quiz there. Being at in-person meetings was vital to my growing support network. Learning to allow support in a skill gained by little, new actions.
http://www.al-anon.org/
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Michelle 
There's nothing wrong with wanting to help someone you love - but if the problem is addiction and your loved one shoes no inclination to change, even with a bub on the way?
I'm afraid it's best to have low expectations of change.
I'm sorry - I wish I had better news for you.
D
There's nothing wrong with wanting to help someone you love - but if the problem is addiction and your loved one shoes no inclination to change, even with a bub on the way?
I'm afraid it's best to have low expectations of change.
I'm sorry - I wish I had better news for you.
D
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