LoneWolf04

Hi All,

Just checking in after a while. Wanted to share my thoughts as I have think i need an overhaul of my recovery process... I have been having what many would call 'false starts'.. in that i stop for a short while and relapse hard. Those sober periods have been amazing and I guess they served as practice for how to deal with life sober.

But then for some reason or another relapse hits. and then I struggle to stop again.. and over and over.

I suppose I am still struggling with the stigma of living with the 'disease'...I turned 30 this year and I feel the urge to 'not miss out on life' as someone I feel it is slipping away. A more recent example is that I got romantically involved with someone and drinking was unfortunately part of that. So while i intellectually know that recovery should be the absolute priority... It can be so damn hard.
I also find myself getting more and more fearful of life, did I mess my life up completely, to the point were there is no hope?

Anyway.. Here's to hopefully getting back on track.. Thank you for letting me share!

August252015

Glad you are here.

You can definitely get sober and in my experience, and that of most of us here, that means making a plan. Mine is a foundation of AA with other components like psych care, many changed habits and good life style choices, and so on. I didn't quit until it was a life and death choice, literally - and my journey has given me a better life than I could have imagined, including before my alcoholism took hold in my 30s. I quit when I was 39 and two years 8 mo later, my 40s have been my best decade so far.

Lots of support here like you might have already seen- perhaps start with the Class of October 2018 thread under the Newcomers Daily Support section.

Best to you on choosing a new life.

Dee74

Hi LoneWolf - I remember I'd keep relapsing too - for me it was because I hadn't yet accepted that I needed to stop drinking completely.

I was terrified of change, scared of what sober life might be like and I had a lot of fear of missing out.

I thought if I could just find the passcode I could drink like every one else did.

I wasn't yet ready to admit that I was different - I wasn't like everyone else with regards to alcohol.

do you think that might apply to you too?

D

LoneWolf04

Hi Dee thanks for your reply

Yes definitely, but its a weird one.. I get to a point where I fully accept that.. yet after a given period of sobriety it is like life throws stuff in my way which make me .. I guess lie to myself, or just throw in the towel.

Need to find a way to make that mindset stick.. that I am different and I can't drink.. and that is OK..

daisy1

I'm the same, drunk then sober then relapse over and over. Like August I have no choice now because my liver is damaged and it's life or death. Unfortunately I have to stay away from relationships as it's always them that seem to put strain on me one way or the other. I've also handed my notice in from my stressful job.
Good luck I hope you can do this x

Spider

For me, it's selective amnesia. In just about every other aspect of my life I have been independent, determined, focused. After time I'd always look at a relapse as possibly manageable. I'd weigh that illusion with some relief and I'd be gone. I sincerely wish you the best with sobriety at 30; I wish I had stuck with it. It would have saved me a lot of destruction. Best

DragonZ1313

Fear can be a good thing. It’ll help and motivate you to stay sober. I’m 33. The fear of messing up your life only gets worse, along with the anxiety, and depression. The only time the fear has disappeared for me was when I was sober.

totfit

I remember thinking, "did I mess my life up completely, to the point were there is no hope?" at some point around the same age also, but held onto the hope. Almost as much time later, I think how naive, life is only beginning at 30. I assure you are at a good point to start making good choices and have a wonderful life, no matter what the past or where you stand today. It is not easy. We are not perfect. We can't expect any more than muddling through with "some" sense of direction or purpose. The secret is that that is what we all do as imperfect humans. If we open ourselves up to the journey however, it is a blast.

entropy1964

For me there were several levels of acceptance. I think the first was that I was truly an addict. I stayed there for a while and thought 'well maybe I'm an addict, but maybe I can 'control' my addiction'. I stayed there for a while.

The last bit, after many many many attempts, was to smash the idea that alcohol would ever work, in any way. It doesn't make me happy, more social, less anxious, less depressed, more of this, less of that. It was all a complete lie. Yes, drinking is an easy, passive way to 'change' whatever is currently happening. But the change was never good. And drinking does relieve the desire to drink, for a time. But that's it. If I was feeling bad, it made things worse. If I was feeling good, it made things worse. If I was feeling meh, it made things worse.

I had to stop lying to myself.

plop

I kept relapsing until I realized I have to accept my addiction completely, which meant accepting that drinking is never, ever an option, because as long as I kept that option open I'd relapse sooner or later.

After I got to that stage I also got rid of cravings. There are no situations when I actually want to drink, so I'm no longer fighting against my desire to drink, because that desire doesn't exist anymore.

Anna

You can get sober and you can live a full and happy life. But, it takes planning and work. It will take lifestyle changes that will support your recovery.

Free2bme888

Hi LoneWolf

So glad u r here.

Respect fully, I’d like to point something out here.

“
But then for some reason or another relapse hits. and then I struggle to stop again.. and over and over.”

IMO, the relapse didn’t ‘hit’, you decided to drink. It’s so hard, I know.

I believe in you. Distract yourself, read a book, take a walk, take a shower or a bath. Read here, look at all the different ways that you can stay sober. Read the stories of success and read the stories of struggles. You will find so much support here, sometimes it is very honest.

My post is meant in the most respectful way.

Good to see you here