Asked to be referee

Old 10-14-2018, 06:52 AM
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Asked to be referee

Dad just phoned and asked me if I had a spare hour to go round and play referee to him and mum. When I asked why, he said she wont believe me that she needs help.

This from the man that refused to get in the middle of me and my mum when I told her that she needed help. Never mind the fact that I phoned the doctors only a month ago, told them everything and made an urgent appointment, that he cancelled because she didn't want to go.

I refused and simply said that you cant help someone that wont help themselves. What do you think, should I have got involved or did I do the right thing?
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Old 10-14-2018, 06:56 AM
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?Referee?

Like he wants you to do...what exactly? I guess it would be helpful to know what he expects this talk will accomplish, in which case you told him what you believe.

Don't second guess yourself. It's not your job to convince your mother that she has an alcohol problem.

For what it's worth, she knows. You've already spoken up.
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:03 AM
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Elizabeth......I think you should do what you think is right. There are no easy answers and black and white rules written on stone tablets.
I understand how very difficult this is for you.....
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:13 AM
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E,

He said referee, i read intervention.

Even w that, Mom needs to be on board


Thanks.
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:35 AM
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My thoughts on reading your post:

Kudos on posting!! Stepping up and reaching out in new ways are wonderful things.

Good things happen as we take new actions.

Putting aside the right or wrong of any topic was a huge milestone for me in early recovery. When thinking in terms of simply, "Is this healthy for me?" my path started taking a whole new direction.

So, I'll put this question back to you for consideration. Was this healthy for you?

One day at a time. Great things happen every day. Being able to see and celebrate the good creates more awareness of this. This isn't to shy away from seeing illness or anger, simply to help direct our thoughts and healing in healthy ways.
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
?Referee?

Like he wants you to do...what exactly? I guess it would be helpful to know what he expects this talk will accomplish, in which case you told him what you believe.

Don't second guess yourself. It's not your job to convince your mother that she has an alcohol problem.

For what it's worth, she knows. You've already spoken up.
They just seem to shout at each other, she hates him and he hates her its quite toxic tbh.

Thank you, im am learning to be stronger but saying no to them still makes me uneasy.
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Elizabeth......I think you should do what you think is right. There are no easy answers and black and white rules written on stone tablets.
I understand how very difficult this is for you.....
Thank you, I wish there were it would be so much easier!
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
My thoughts on reading your post:

Kudos on posting!! Stepping up and reaching out in new ways are wonderful things.

Good things happen as we take new actions.

Putting aside the right or wrong of any topic was a huge milestone for me in early recovery. When thinking in terms of simply, "Is this healthy for me?" my path started taking a whole new direction.

So, I'll put this question back to you for consideration. Was this healthy for you?

One day at a time. Great things happen every day. Being able to see and celebrate the good creates more awareness of this. This isn't to shy away from seeing illness or anger, simply to help direct our thoughts and healing in healthy ways.
Thank you and I like that "Is this healthy for me?"

Yes to answer your question I believe it was healthy for me. Usually after being involved with then on the subject of alcohol I am usually upset sat on the lounge floor crying why wont they put me first why do they always choose alcohol. Today I am more together it is my one day off work and I am still enjoying it and I realise that no amount of arguing , pleading or shouting will make her help herself.
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:51 AM
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Elizabeth.....to take this a step further, in discussion....It seems that both you and your father agree that your mother is controlled by alcoholism and could use help.....and, I don't doubt that this is right...
However, another reality might be that your father might be enabling her....that is almost always true, whether he realizes it or not....
One action that might bring about change, would be for you and your father to attend alanon….
If you and your father make changes....this changes the picture for your mother...…
I don't see where you or your father would stand to lose anything, by this action…..
Nothing changes if nothing changes...(except she would just get worse)….and one stone, tossed into a pool, causes ripples, throughout....

You are right...no amount of shouting and arguing will make her get help....
And.....going to alanon IS healthy for you and/or your father!
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Old 10-14-2018, 08:02 AM
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Dandylion, he absolutely is. There are mountains of wine in their house and he is the one that buys it, gets it from the fridge, pours it into her glass. I believe my dad is also an alcoholic all be it more of a functioning one than my mum.

He would absolutely never to to an alanon meeting, he had a gambling problem a few years ago and refused to get help for that. It seems he has it under control now but it has cost them alot and not just money. I have asked him to think about giving up drinking himself and it has been washed over but I will ask him just because as you say there would be nothing to lose.

Thank you.
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Old 10-14-2018, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
If you and your father make changes....this changes the picture for your mother...…
I don't see where you or your father would stand to lose anything, by this action…..

And.....going to alanon IS healthy for you and/or your father!
dandy, EG stated in another thread that her father is a functioning A, so I don't know that he's going to be much of a support for EG in this situation, nor do I think he's going to be going to Alanon...it would be great if there was another sober family member, but it didn't sound like it in the other thread.

EG, I think you've absolutely made the right decision by staying clear of this situation. Based on what I read in your other thread, I think there is one person you can save, and it's YOU. If anyone else sees what you're doing and decides to follow suit, kudos to them, but I do believe your first priority has to be yourself. You cannot possibly undo the years of toxicity in your parents' lives, no matter how much you might want to do so.

EG's other thread is here https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...alcoholic.html (Mum is an alcoholic.) for anyone who wants a bit of background.

ETA: Apparently EG and I were posting at the same time.
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Old 10-14-2018, 08:21 AM
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OK......I did not know this new information....I failed to read past threads, and only went by this one...…
Considering this, "new" to me, information.....I amend my comments, lol....
I now, suggest, strongly, that Elizabeth go to alanon for herself (but, it wouldn't hurt to at least ask her dad to go---the worst that can happen is that he says "no". She could also, ask him to ride with her, and go to the AA meeting across the hall, while she attends alanon. Again, the worst that can happen is that he would say "no".

I tend to be an insufferable optimist...and, I have seen miracles happen...in some cases....

I think the Serenity Prayer might apply, just now...lol


As long as I am correcting myself....I failed to say that another group that I think would help Elizabeth, in addition to alanon, is Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)…..Elizabeth qualifies, in spades, I think....In addition, the literature for ACOA is available on amazon.com...…
Having both parents involved in addiction has to have had profound impact on Elizabeth's life.....


thanks for sharing the additional information....
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Old 10-14-2018, 08:28 AM
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Honeypig, thank you doesn't seen to do justice to what I want to say, but thank you I appreciate your kind words.
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Old 10-14-2018, 09:22 AM
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This song has caused the following song to be stuck in my brain......it is a classic that came along before most of the people on this thread.....

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...A4&FORM=WRVORC
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Old 10-14-2018, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
OK......I did not know this new information....I failed to read past threads, and only went by this one...…
Considering this, "new" to me, information.....I amend my comments, lol....
I now, suggest, strongly, that Elizabeth go to alanon for herself (but, it wouldn't hurt to at least ask her dad to go---the worst that can happen is that he says "no". She could also, ask him to ride with her, and go to the AA meeting across the hall, while she attends alanon. Again, the worst that can happen is that he would say "no".

I tend to be an insufferable optimist...and, I have seen miracles happen...in some cases....

I think the Serenity Prayer might apply, just now...lol


As long as I am correcting myself....I failed to say that another group that I think would help Elizabeth, in addition to alanon, is Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)…..Elizabeth qualifies, in spades, I think....In addition, the literature for ACOA is available on amazon.com...…
Having both parents involved in addiction has to have had profound impact on Elizabeth's life.....


thanks for sharing the additional information....
Thanks Dandylion, I love the fact you are an optimist and thanks for the Serenity Prayer. I will take a look at ACOA ,there are 2 meetings near me. I never realised that so many other people are going through this.

Yep my life hasn't always been a bed of roses but I have to interject at this point that for 30 wonderful years I had really fabulous Grandparents that were amazing and supportive and I think without them I may well have been a very different person. In fact in the last year I have come to the realisation that they were in fact my parents and I never quite grieved accordingly.
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Old 10-14-2018, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
This song has caused the following song to be stuck in my brain......it is a classic that came along before most of the people on this thread.....

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...A4&FORM=WRVORC
I'm sorry that's stuck in your head lol

I love that little record player!
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Old 10-15-2018, 10:41 AM
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What do you think, should I have got involved or did I do the right thing?
I think you made the best decision you could for yourself with this situation. It took courage to say no. And when we begin to say no it does make us feel uneasy. Its kind of like learning a whole new language where we are going to question ourselves about if we are saying things the correct way or not.
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Old 10-15-2018, 11:29 AM
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It seems to be that unless he plans to stop enabling her, and unless he plans to get himself under control, it would be useless. You cannot drag someone else to sobriety. I hope you do find those meetings. I can also add that I think you did the right thing for what my two cents is worth LOL!

We are here, and we support you!
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Old 10-15-2018, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I think you made the best decision you could for yourself with this situation. It took courage to say no. And when we begin to say no it does make us feel uneasy. Its kind of like learning a whole new language where we are going to question ourselves about if we are saying things the correct way or not.
Thank you, this could be the first time I have actually refused to do something rather than just avoiding the situation and you're so right it feels weird.

Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
It seems to be that unless he plans to stop enabling her, and unless he plans to get himself under control, it would be useless. You cannot drag someone else to sobriety. I hope you do find those meetings. I can also add that I think you did the right thing for what my two cents is worth LOL!

We are here, and we support you!
Thank you, I think that's exactly why I refused to be involved, I am working up the courage to face a meeting but I think I will get there.
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