You were right
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You were right
So many here on SR were right about many things. Feel free to add your own.....
When the A stops drinking, your marital and personal problems will be solved. Wrong! You will both see a mountain of problems you didn't even know were there.
The A is the one with the problem. Wrong! Actually the A doesn't have a problem with their drinking. You do.
The A is the one who needs to work on changing themselves. The non-A might have a few character flaws, but it's the A who needs to do all the work, since they are the whole problem. Wrong. Both people have to take a hard look at the things they need to work on in order to heal.
If you try hard enough and tell the A they need to quit, they will eventually see the light and quit. Wrong. You don't have that kind of power, never in a million years will you make them quit.
And the hardest thing for me to grasp (and I'm still not quite there) was that, if the the A really loved his family, he would quit. They are just being incredibly selfish and couldn't care less about their families. Wrong. The alcohol has a death grip on the A. It takes over their mind and blinds them to the reality all around them.
After the A enters recovery, they will get back to normal in a few months. Wrong! It could be months, a year, maybe more, before the fog starts to clear enough for them to function on a basic level. They have to learn a whole new way of living and being. If you think you can start working on your relationship, dead wrong. They can barely keep themselves above water.
Expect that when the A (and you) are in recovery, it will be the hardest, most emotional and painful time of your lives.
On a positive note, whether you choose to stay married, or go on your own, the reward at the end is so sweet, and worth the pain.
There are more, but my brain hurts from all the thinking so that's all for now. Add your own.
When the A stops drinking, your marital and personal problems will be solved. Wrong! You will both see a mountain of problems you didn't even know were there.
The A is the one with the problem. Wrong! Actually the A doesn't have a problem with their drinking. You do.
The A is the one who needs to work on changing themselves. The non-A might have a few character flaws, but it's the A who needs to do all the work, since they are the whole problem. Wrong. Both people have to take a hard look at the things they need to work on in order to heal.
If you try hard enough and tell the A they need to quit, they will eventually see the light and quit. Wrong. You don't have that kind of power, never in a million years will you make them quit.
And the hardest thing for me to grasp (and I'm still not quite there) was that, if the the A really loved his family, he would quit. They are just being incredibly selfish and couldn't care less about their families. Wrong. The alcohol has a death grip on the A. It takes over their mind and blinds them to the reality all around them.
After the A enters recovery, they will get back to normal in a few months. Wrong! It could be months, a year, maybe more, before the fog starts to clear enough for them to function on a basic level. They have to learn a whole new way of living and being. If you think you can start working on your relationship, dead wrong. They can barely keep themselves above water.
Expect that when the A (and you) are in recovery, it will be the hardest, most emotional and painful time of your lives.
On a positive note, whether you choose to stay married, or go on your own, the reward at the end is so sweet, and worth the pain.
There are more, but my brain hurts from all the thinking so that's all for now. Add your own.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
What's that saying?
"First the ecstasy, then the laundry."
The ecstasy being that the person we love finally stopped drinking!
The laundry being all the regular old hard work that comes with making any relationship work.
Yep....
"First the ecstasy, then the laundry."
The ecstasy being that the person we love finally stopped drinking!
The laundry being all the regular old hard work that comes with making any relationship work.
Yep....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm going to take this further here, I do agree with Wamama, but I also have to look at myself. I decided to stay, I didn't see the damage that was being to done to my children, by both of us. He was abusive, and an alcoholic, and I turned to alcohol. For awhile my children trusted me, but then they also lost there trust in me.
I wanted to blame my ex for everything, while I never wanted to look at the same harm that I had done. I was not emotionally there for my own children, because I couldn't handle my own life.
I own that now, and it's all thanks to SR.
amy
I wanted to blame my ex for everything, while I never wanted to look at the same harm that I had done. I was not emotionally there for my own children, because I couldn't handle my own life.
I own that now, and it's all thanks to SR.
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Another one....
If you just keep trying, you can make the A see reason. Say it in different ways, find examples that relate to them, show them the bank statement listing the withdraws from the store where they buy their alcohol from. Wrong. All they will see is you showing them, in various ways, how you are getting in the way of their drinking. You can't reason with the unreasonable.
If you just keep trying, you can make the A see reason. Say it in different ways, find examples that relate to them, show them the bank statement listing the withdraws from the store where they buy their alcohol from. Wrong. All they will see is you showing them, in various ways, how you are getting in the way of their drinking. You can't reason with the unreasonable.
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