ElizabethGrace

Hi everyone.

I have posted in the newcomers forum and was pointed in this direction.

My Mum is an alcoholic, has been for around 20 years. Lately she has been getting worse. Shes 71 now and is angry all the time, makes up lies about me which i'm sure she believes. When I challenged her about this she told me maybe she should have drowned me at birth.

She doesn't eat anymore and is sick all the time. She is always complaining of a bad stomach and has terrible diarrhoea, she doesn't always make it to the toilet on time. She has lost probably half her body weight over the last year.

When I try to talk to her about being an alcoholic she wont hear of it and says that she just likes to drink a lot. I feel there is no hope, I have started to distance myself from her for my own protection.

Surfbee

Hey Elizabeth,

Welcome and so sorry to hear about your mum... I understand... my mum also has a serious drinking problem...she is very quick to anger and very irritable... It's not easy witnessing her moods and health grow worse over the years...it's painful in fact.

For a few years in my 20s i tried to convince her that she was an alcoholic in order to get her to seek help... She never did seek help, never admitted to being an alcoholic... Eventually I realised i had to live and let live...we all just grew to accept it.

A few years ago she had a stroke which made her quit smoking... She didn't stop drinking but she did cut down quite dramatically... Mood swings are still rough though.

I'm also only newly discovering the impact of alcoholism and now recognising it as a "family disease" ...I'm even making connections as to why I'm now in love with an alcoholic...anyway, my way towards recovery is beginning weekly therapy... and I've gained so much insight here in this forum, so you're in good company. Lots of wise people here who have really helped me.

As for the mean things alcoholics can say... I'd say that's down to their distorted brain chemistry...I've heard some belter statements too. Realising their mean words are only a reflection of their inner dialogue and nothing to do with me... Still, hurts like hell though. Especially coming from your own mum... I feel you there.

Sorry again for what you're going through... My suggestion is for you to start a good self-care, self loving plan....so you're keeping as mentally strong as you can through this... Do you have any siblings who can offer you support?

ElizabethGrace

Thank you Surfbee. It means a lot that you have taken the time to comment even though you are going through stuff yourself.

Thanks for the advice. I am learning to put myself first more of the time and I have taken the decision not to spend Christmas with my parents even if I haven't told them yet (coward) so I am making small steps in looking after my own mental health. I am am only child so the weight of responsibility falls with me. My dad who is more of a functioning alcoholic refuses to get in between me and my mum (as he calls it) which is his way of ignoring all mums problems even though she calls him to me every chance she gets.

Surfbee

Really positive you're looking after yourself... ! And staying away at christmas sounds like a good idea also... since christmas can be super stressful and intense at the best of times.

It's good that you are learning to keep your distance - I used to find this bit difficult as I would typically be vying for my mum's attention and time. I'm getting a lot better and respecting how she is and her need for space.

Meanwhile I'm kinda struggling with getting my own needs met in my relationship...lol... so it's a good thing to learn about 'self-care' and what that actually means... eye opening stuff all this.

Maybe what you've been going through recently is your need to control the situation and events surrounding your mum... but it sounds like you're already getting on the right track and doing what is needed FOR YOU ... and surrendering that need to control the outcome... ?

"eyes off him, eyes on you" is what my therapist advised me in relation to my partner... in our mum's cases... "eyes off her, eyes on you"... ! Same rule applies I think...

Have you tried going to Al-anon? I've been to a couple of meetings... really nice people who get it all!

ElizabethGrace

Self care is so important, I have been learning since July last year when she said the drowned at birth comment. I still struggle putting myself first but it is a work in progress. I am also working on the fact that I am a decent person and I am good enough, which has taken me 40 years to say.

You sound like you have double the problems and I am not sure how I would cope without my lovely hubby. Do you think you were drawn to your partner because of your mum? Has he always been an alcoholic? I like the eyes off statement it makes really good scene but I guess its easier said than done.

No, I am a bit scared of alanon as I struggle to talk about my mother without getting emotional. But it is something I am considering.

Keep strong and make sure you look after you.

Surfbee

Thank you! You sound strong and great you have a supportive hubby...this is so important �� can I ask what your husband's background is like? His parents? Are there any similarities?

Ironically for me, I feel supported by partner too especially when it comes to my family and career, he's very caring and kind...but his mood swings can be erratic... and mine too.

We are very drawn to each other in all the good ways, sense of humour, discussions, passion, spiritedness, but we equally clash. I don't know if I was drawn to him because of my mum as such... (although I do make a connection now) ...when I met him years ago I was very into partying, recreational drug use, and having a good time... So I didn't see the drinking problem until later... it was only when I started to focus on my career and wanted to party less when I started to get a sense he had a deeper problem. His dad was an alcoholic and committed suicide... But the clashes got too big ... and so we broke up after a fight (early 20s - both a bit wild and didn't know how to handle each other... lol still don't ! )... I remained friends with his sister and I moved on ... and ten years later, we reconnect at a party and we're back together...!

I thought he was over the drinking problem... was naive about alcoholism then... I think I blocked out the severity of my mum's problem and therefore hadn't fully grasped his.... and he seemed very together, mature and successful...he's a very smart high functioning AH... and the spark was still there... I think the love was compounded further by connection and familiarity of him...and empathy for his deeper issues which I could see my mum shared....also our dads had similar issues... this was all a very quiet deeper intuitive sense... now I feel the connection has been a spiritual one...more so now that I'm getting all these new insights and epiphanies.

I've been advised to take care of myself (something i hadn't fully understood before until now).. and let him work his own plan... see what unfolds. It's sad but I trust I'll be okay too. Trust he will be also.

Sorry to go on about me ! lol! I'm very grateful to answer your questions!

As for al-anon - my first attempt in going consisted of me u-turning back home. And the first time I actually made it to the venue I burst into tears...but it was very healing. A kind elderly lady gave me the warmest hug and it seemed very normal to everyone to see how upset I was... the second time I went I was laughing at some of the stories folk were sharing... very healing....! Maybe give it a try when you feel ready!

ElizabethGrace

Thank you, I have spent so long not being good enough and not measuring up, I am now starting to realise that I am stronger than I realised.

My hubby comes from a bit of a dysfunctional background but he is an island and removed himself mentally many years ago. Sometimes I call him hard and unfeeling but I realise that his lack of emotion is a self preservation thing. He is wonderful with me and understands when I am down, anxious or completely horrible.

Wow you sound like you have had it rough. I love the fact that you are going to start putting yourself first and work on you because if you are anything like me it will be a tough road and something you haven't done before. Just don't let your partner pull you back into a bad place. I always say we have a choice we may not like the choice but there is always a choice and you must choose you. You sound like you deserve looking after and I hope he can give that to you one day.

Thanks for the insight into alanon as you say its something for if and when im ready.

Mango212

Hi ElizabethGrace,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.

Loving alcoholics can cause pain and stress simply by the counter-intuitive nature of this disease. Acknowledging this creates space for new actions, such as self-care and outside support. It's only a tough road at first. Skills picked up along the way allow new ways of dealing with life.

ElizabethGrace

Thanks Mango212

You are so right loving alcoholics is hard ! Thanks for the reassurance, I really appreciate it.

Surfbee

Thank you! Choosing me first always now.... making this my utmost priority.

And thank you Mango also for what you said about learning new skills to deal with life...onwards and upwards. Have a good day both of you x

FeelingGreat

Hi EG, I'm sure this is the first step to changing your thinking about yourself and your FOO (family of origin). Many of us go through a period where we re-evaluate the self-beliefs we've been given by our parents, start seeing them as human, and sometimes replacing defensiveness or resentment with compassion. No doubt your AM's treatment of you stems from her own childhood, but you have the ability to break free of the cycle.

I just wanted to say that at your AM's age it's unlikely she'll stop drinking or start looking at herself in an honest way. There's a certain deterioration of mental capacity as we age, which can be mitigated with a healthy lifestyle and good diet. Your AM doesn't fall into this category. You will be continually disappointed if you expect any self-awareness at her age.

If you can influence your father, can I suggest you see if he can get her to take a vitamin B supplement daily - you know, the fizzy ones that are almost considered a hangover cure by the optimistic drinker. I hope this isn't regarded as medical advice; please google it and judge for yourself.

It would be of great benefit if you could find a therapist you like. Don't worry about crying - that's the bit that shows it's working.