In the fog again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
In the fog again
My alchoholic 'boyfriend' (supposedly recovering but not working an AA rehab program) thinks he's got it all under control because he ran a marathon and started going to the gym.
Great re marathon and I know he's trying hard to get on top of this (stopped drinking a few weeks ago) but his irritability is still very present and i get the brunt of it...and he has gone cold, resentful and distant towards me again... All kicked off from a really stupid thing.
On Thursday night he surprised me by preparing a healthy dinner. That was lovely and i appreciated that a lot... Then it all went downhill becauss we couldn't find anything decent to watch on tv.
I didn't like the first thing we watched and neither did he... And so I put on some drama instead.. Twenty mins in he asked me to find something better to watch in a very arrogant tone, whilst he had his eyes glued to his phone in facebook. He didn't look up to me to ask, he just came off bossy and rude. I said okay, you find something then. He then moaned about that. The vibe was all low and negative.....I'm also on my period so pretty sensitive right now....!
Anyway I just wanted to zone out but could sense he wanted an argument at this point...and so i eventually spoke up (reacted?) and told him he was more interested in Facebook and he needs to quit speaking to me disrespectfully. He didn't like that so he decided he was bored and got up and left!
I should mention also that when he came to see me with the bags of food and he started preparing meal, he seemed pretty het up and irritated. I figured it was due to not drinking... So him irritable and me on my period was bound to creste a **** night!
Then last night he went awol, hadn't heard from him entire evening and I was worried. I should have known better not to get caught up in the fog but I ended up calling him umpteen times. Turns out he was at the gym. Better than escaping to the pub but still escaping from me which hurt too...a friday night and no word and I'm supposed to just detach....!
I should have went to an alanon meeting when i was getting that intuitve feeling earlier in the day... ... But the other side just panicked.
And so after showing up at his place in more panic, he now doesn't want to see me right now because of how things went on Thursday and because i called him so many times making him feel distrusted. So I'm the crazy girlfriend now.
I thought I was on track with the detachment self care thing, and last weekend i was the best thing since sliced bread to him, but this one I get all these old feelings and memories hitting me hard.... And so now I'm to blame.again and he's even more superior because he's not drinking now.
Any advice on this? I don't want to break up... I just wish he wasn't such an a-hole sometimes!.... mostly wish i could heal the bad the old pains that are obviously still there unconsciously cropping up
x
.
Great re marathon and I know he's trying hard to get on top of this (stopped drinking a few weeks ago) but his irritability is still very present and i get the brunt of it...and he has gone cold, resentful and distant towards me again... All kicked off from a really stupid thing.
On Thursday night he surprised me by preparing a healthy dinner. That was lovely and i appreciated that a lot... Then it all went downhill becauss we couldn't find anything decent to watch on tv.
I didn't like the first thing we watched and neither did he... And so I put on some drama instead.. Twenty mins in he asked me to find something better to watch in a very arrogant tone, whilst he had his eyes glued to his phone in facebook. He didn't look up to me to ask, he just came off bossy and rude. I said okay, you find something then. He then moaned about that. The vibe was all low and negative.....I'm also on my period so pretty sensitive right now....!
Anyway I just wanted to zone out but could sense he wanted an argument at this point...and so i eventually spoke up (reacted?) and told him he was more interested in Facebook and he needs to quit speaking to me disrespectfully. He didn't like that so he decided he was bored and got up and left!
I should mention also that when he came to see me with the bags of food and he started preparing meal, he seemed pretty het up and irritated. I figured it was due to not drinking... So him irritable and me on my period was bound to creste a **** night!
Then last night he went awol, hadn't heard from him entire evening and I was worried. I should have known better not to get caught up in the fog but I ended up calling him umpteen times. Turns out he was at the gym. Better than escaping to the pub but still escaping from me which hurt too...a friday night and no word and I'm supposed to just detach....!
I should have went to an alanon meeting when i was getting that intuitve feeling earlier in the day... ... But the other side just panicked.
And so after showing up at his place in more panic, he now doesn't want to see me right now because of how things went on Thursday and because i called him so many times making him feel distrusted. So I'm the crazy girlfriend now.
I thought I was on track with the detachment self care thing, and last weekend i was the best thing since sliced bread to him, but this one I get all these old feelings and memories hitting me hard.... And so now I'm to blame.again and he's even more superior because he's not drinking now.
Any advice on this? I don't want to break up... I just wish he wasn't such an a-hole sometimes!.... mostly wish i could heal the bad the old pains that are obviously still there unconsciously cropping up
x
.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Give him space and focus on getting some support in processing your own emotional reactions around him relapsing. Even though he didn't, you went into panic mode and lost your control in the situation (which is totally understandable as it replayed many true relapses in the past)
His sober time is a drop in the bucket, his attitude sounds more like distraction than recovery, so it is very likely a matter of time before he does relapse unless he gets serious.
But you can't make him do that, or control the outcome.
Build your own recovery and leave him to his.
Make plans for yourself the next few weeks and don't call him.
Just suggestions--but being there on the phone ready to meet at any time sends the wrong message of powerlessness in my view.
His sober time is a drop in the bucket, his attitude sounds more like distraction than recovery, so it is very likely a matter of time before he does relapse unless he gets serious.
But you can't make him do that, or control the outcome.
Build your own recovery and leave him to his.
Make plans for yourself the next few weeks and don't call him.
Just suggestions--but being there on the phone ready to meet at any time sends the wrong message of powerlessness in my view.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Thanks very much Hawkeye. Appreciate your advice and will try to take it on...I won't call him and will make plans for myself for the next few weeks, thank you.
Noticing how my panic mode can really take over. When I was calling him and even cycling to his work to check if he was there :/ imagining he was working late drinking... imagining he was out drinking with his female colleague... or at the gym with her... it was as if my mind was hijacked or something... I think I actually wanted there to be drama so I could feel vindicated. I've been in this place before and I would like to get to the bottom of it...
Today I've researching the 'superego'... known as "the miraculous survival system that is also a prison"
http://www.danielasieff.com/wp-conte...2008-JN-b..pdf
It's new learning and resonates a lot. Always wondered why there seems to be so much internal conflict going on in my head sometimes... could never differentiate between ego or inner critic, or inner child and intuition ...but this analysis is very eye opening... seems my superego is pretty harsh and self-persecuting... not just triggered by the people I'm in a relationship with... but unconsciously triggered whenever I feel a sense of new hope in life, and new chapter of happiness...
Does anyone else relate to that?
Noticing how my panic mode can really take over. When I was calling him and even cycling to his work to check if he was there :/ imagining he was working late drinking... imagining he was out drinking with his female colleague... or at the gym with her... it was as if my mind was hijacked or something... I think I actually wanted there to be drama so I could feel vindicated. I've been in this place before and I would like to get to the bottom of it...
Today I've researching the 'superego'... known as "the miraculous survival system that is also a prison"
http://www.danielasieff.com/wp-conte...2008-JN-b..pdf
It's new learning and resonates a lot. Always wondered why there seems to be so much internal conflict going on in my head sometimes... could never differentiate between ego or inner critic, or inner child and intuition ...but this analysis is very eye opening... seems my superego is pretty harsh and self-persecuting... not just triggered by the people I'm in a relationship with... but unconsciously triggered whenever I feel a sense of new hope in life, and new chapter of happiness...
Does anyone else relate to that?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee….I know that this must be very disappointing, for you.....
Over and over, we hear of how surprising it is when the relationship, after they put the bottle down, becomes as difficult--or more difficult--than the period of the actual drinking.
After crossing the line into addiction...it is not as simple of just quitting the alcoholic drink. Relearning to face life, on life's terms, is the task. And, to do that, requires some kind of support and treatment program for most everybody. I have worked with lots of alcoholics, and I only know of a couple of situations where that was not true....and, in one of the situations, the person became so involved in Church, that I think that was his "program". His basic personality didn't change, but he never drank again---he practically lived inside the church, 24/7.
You indicated, at on point, that he said he was going to go to a therapist....? Did he? It is not uncommon for an alcoholic to spend a lot of time, thinking--trying to "Do it myself"......relapsing, time and time, again, before they become open to help or treatment.
In one of your threads, in September, you discussed how you felt you needed to work on your own self....just as he did. So good that you recognize that...and that you have been making good effort toward that end. One person can't carry the whole relationship, though....
for sure, he has the alcoholic voice (the compulsion to drink) speaking to him, inside his head, 24/7...especially since he is untreated, now. That means that he is still as entwined in his disease, at a deep level, as much as he was before he put down the bottle. And, since your hopes and dreams are tied to his wagon, means that you are entwined in a person who is entwined in something else.....
You are going to still have to work very hard to disentangle yourself from him and his entanglement.
Who knows if this relationship will work out.....most don't.....
You will, undoubtedly grieve the lost dream, as you have envisioned it...
As I see it...looking from the outside....your only option for a healthy and happy future, is to maintain your goal of working on your self....and keep up your support and you do your own self examination....and, meet the future as it unfolds.....
You need the space...and, so does he.....
The relationships that seem to make it, ate those where both people make the changes that need to be made....
Over and over, we hear of how surprising it is when the relationship, after they put the bottle down, becomes as difficult--or more difficult--than the period of the actual drinking.
After crossing the line into addiction...it is not as simple of just quitting the alcoholic drink. Relearning to face life, on life's terms, is the task. And, to do that, requires some kind of support and treatment program for most everybody. I have worked with lots of alcoholics, and I only know of a couple of situations where that was not true....and, in one of the situations, the person became so involved in Church, that I think that was his "program". His basic personality didn't change, but he never drank again---he practically lived inside the church, 24/7.
You indicated, at on point, that he said he was going to go to a therapist....? Did he? It is not uncommon for an alcoholic to spend a lot of time, thinking--trying to "Do it myself"......relapsing, time and time, again, before they become open to help or treatment.
In one of your threads, in September, you discussed how you felt you needed to work on your own self....just as he did. So good that you recognize that...and that you have been making good effort toward that end. One person can't carry the whole relationship, though....
for sure, he has the alcoholic voice (the compulsion to drink) speaking to him, inside his head, 24/7...especially since he is untreated, now. That means that he is still as entwined in his disease, at a deep level, as much as he was before he put down the bottle. And, since your hopes and dreams are tied to his wagon, means that you are entwined in a person who is entwined in something else.....
You are going to still have to work very hard to disentangle yourself from him and his entanglement.
Who knows if this relationship will work out.....most don't.....
You will, undoubtedly grieve the lost dream, as you have envisioned it...
As I see it...looking from the outside....your only option for a healthy and happy future, is to maintain your goal of working on your self....and keep up your support and you do your own self examination....and, meet the future as it unfolds.....
You need the space...and, so does he.....
The relationships that seem to make it, ate those where both people make the changes that need to be made....
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
surf,
He has brain damage from the booze. It takes over a year of suffering with the depression (irritability), anger, resentment etc. to really see the light (AA calls it a miracle). Really it is the brain returning to normal dopamine production levels where we are happy humans as intended.
Booze alters that.
A few weeks with no booze then a binge ramps up kindling and PAWS. PTSD will be a factor as well.
If he doesn't take this look at his problem, he is doomed to suffer (you to) for the rest of his life.
The only way out is to quit drinking.
The world according to D122y.
Thanks.
He has brain damage from the booze. It takes over a year of suffering with the depression (irritability), anger, resentment etc. to really see the light (AA calls it a miracle). Really it is the brain returning to normal dopamine production levels where we are happy humans as intended.
Booze alters that.
A few weeks with no booze then a binge ramps up kindling and PAWS. PTSD will be a factor as well.
If he doesn't take this look at his problem, he is doomed to suffer (you to) for the rest of his life.
The only way out is to quit drinking.
The world according to D122y.
Thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee...do I relate to the "super ego " stuff---sure do....lol....
I think that learning about that construct...ego-superego....applies to the development of everyone's personality. It starts way back in our early development years.... It makes perfect sense.
I remember you speaking of "guilt", in one of your previous threads....It is said that guilt and shame resides in the superego part of ourselves....so, I see a lot of value of looking into it....
I think that learning about that construct...ego-superego....applies to the development of everyone's personality. It starts way back in our early development years.... It makes perfect sense.
I remember you speaking of "guilt", in one of your previous threads....It is said that guilt and shame resides in the superego part of ourselves....so, I see a lot of value of looking into it....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Thank you both!
D122y - he's so far away from 'seeing the light'... really thought he was getting there... for sure he'd expressed with what seemed like genuine clarity that he was really going to make the effort to get better - promises of going to the aa but not one aa meeting yet! He said he'll go when he really gets the urge to drink. So running a 33 mile marathon for 7 hours wasn't some kind of giant distraction from the urge to drink ! I think you're right there Hawkeye... about the distraction thing...
And I think the buzz from that initial 'achievement high' has now faded after a few days and he's back to his negative thinking ...
Dandylion... yes...all makes sense...really odd new chapter to be in! And his superiority complex seems more heightened now that he's not drinking... so more blame directed at me. He is also getting weekly therapy... but he doesn't tell me anything about what's being discussed.
"your only option for a healthy and happy future, is to maintain your goal of working on your self....and keep up your support and you do your own self examination....and, meet the future as it unfolds.....
You need the space...and, so does he.....
The relationships that seem to make it, ate those where both people make the changes that need to be made...."
thank you... I will return to work on myself again. I stopped going to alanon so I'll re-start that and in therapy I'll get the focus on me and family origin work... had ended up avoiding talking about any of that stuff for some reason - didn't really want to burden my therapist by raising it?!!
I created a new thread about the superego too ! I thought it would be a good idea to make it more open to everyone else's personal experience there... really want to learn this stuff...
It's funny as well as I'm recognising that the themes of my films are all about oppression , conflict and some kind of imprisonment within the psyche !
D122y - he's so far away from 'seeing the light'... really thought he was getting there... for sure he'd expressed with what seemed like genuine clarity that he was really going to make the effort to get better - promises of going to the aa but not one aa meeting yet! He said he'll go when he really gets the urge to drink. So running a 33 mile marathon for 7 hours wasn't some kind of giant distraction from the urge to drink ! I think you're right there Hawkeye... about the distraction thing...
And I think the buzz from that initial 'achievement high' has now faded after a few days and he's back to his negative thinking ...
Dandylion... yes...all makes sense...really odd new chapter to be in! And his superiority complex seems more heightened now that he's not drinking... so more blame directed at me. He is also getting weekly therapy... but he doesn't tell me anything about what's being discussed.
"your only option for a healthy and happy future, is to maintain your goal of working on your self....and keep up your support and you do your own self examination....and, meet the future as it unfolds.....
You need the space...and, so does he.....
The relationships that seem to make it, ate those where both people make the changes that need to be made...."
thank you... I will return to work on myself again. I stopped going to alanon so I'll re-start that and in therapy I'll get the focus on me and family origin work... had ended up avoiding talking about any of that stuff for some reason - didn't really want to burden my therapist by raising it?!!
I created a new thread about the superego too ! I thought it would be a good idea to make it more open to everyone else's personal experience there... really want to learn this stuff...
It's funny as well as I'm recognising that the themes of my films are all about oppression , conflict and some kind of imprisonment within the psyche !
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee….digging into family of origin stuff can be painful, at times...really loaded materias...so, no wonder you have wanted to avoid it...Not uncommon, at all, for a person to be guarded in therapy....but, a good therapist can help you with that....
That is an interesting observation about your films!
That is an interesting observation about your films!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Surfbee….digging into family of origin stuff can be painful, at times...really loaded materias...so, no wonder you have wanted to avoid it...Not uncommon, at all, for a person to be guarded in therapy....but, a good therapist can help you with that....
That is an interesting observation about your films!
That is an interesting observation about your films!
I just don't want my 'superego' to keep on taking over in real life...and making me feel more and more isolated...
feeling scared about this... and I think it is why I attach myself so strongly to my partner.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Surfbee
I just don't want my 'superego' to keep on taking over in real life...and making me feel more and more isolated... 
feeling scared about this... and I think it is why I attach myself so strongly to my partner.
feeling scared about this... and I think it is why I attach myself so strongly to my partner.Your dinner night sounds, pretty predictable! Yes, you both defaulted to past behaviours. Don't let the superego kick you on that lol
You have been making great strides in taking care of yourself and I commend you for putting that work in. Don't stop now. Going to Al-Anon again is a great thing. Also, small steps, you are making great progress but practice makes not perfect, but much more reliable.
For instance if you were learning the piano and your "go to" number was chopsticks but you learned a few songs by Guns n Roses and after several weeks you were asked to perform anything you would like on stage in front of an audience, you are probably going to be playing chopsticks to that sold out crowd!
It's normal to want to go to the safer place. Doesn't mean you are doing what's best for yourself, but normal! So please don't be too hard on yourself, keep taking those steps as you have been. Eventually, with practice, the other songs will be just as easy to play.
As for the BF. He is an alcoholic in non-recovery. Expect little change at all. He hasn't done any work that you know of and therapy once a week (if he is even going) is probably just scratching the surface. What I mean is, please keep your expectations low and keep in the forefront of your mind that he hasn't changed. That will help to protect your feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Great advice T thanks... ! Love the chopsticks analogy lol !!!
Yes... that all makes total sense... and my superego really does kick me in the teeth sometimes... ! I need to befriend it..... learn to be grateful of it ... I think now that I'm aware of it, it will really help me create that distance in the heat of the moment. Is it an 'it' or a 'her' ? hmmm
Funny what you said about not to be too hard on yourself as came across a very interesting bit of text on this very sentiment tonight:
So this I get!! lol! I need the "rageful part of the self", the superego to listen to that good advice.
Sourced from here:
https://static1.squarespace.com/stat...attachcopy.pdf
Yes... that all makes total sense... and my superego really does kick me in the teeth sometimes... ! I need to befriend it..... learn to be grateful of it ... I think now that I'm aware of it, it will really help me create that distance in the heat of the moment. Is it an 'it' or a 'her' ? hmmm
Funny what you said about not to be too hard on yourself as came across a very interesting bit of text on this very sentiment tonight:
If the harsh superego is understood as a dissociation based structure, then dissociation needs to be addressed in its treatment. Comments which are intended to soften the harsh superego, such as, "You are being hard on yourself" or "You have turned your aggression inward" may inaccurately address self-experience as a unity . The very fact that self experience is not a unity is often an important thing that the patient needs to notice . Comments such as the above examples are actually addressing the wrong self-state . The normally conscious, abused self-state is likely to regard such statements as either non-sensical or as accusatory, since it experiences little or no power to do anything about the situation. It is the rageful part that needs to he addressed and that needs to be listening.
Sourced from here:
https://static1.squarespace.com/stat...attachcopy.pdf
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Surfbee
Great advice T thanks... ! Love the chopsticks analogy lol !!!
Yes... that all makes total sense... and my superego really does kick me in the teeth sometimes... ! I need to befriend it..... learn to be grateful of it ... I think now that I'm aware of it, it will really help me create that distance in the heat of the moment. Is it an 'it' or a 'her' ? hmmm
Funny what you said about not to be too hard on yourself as came across a very interesting bit of text on this very sentiment tonight:
So this I get!! lol! I need the "rageful part of the self", the superego to listen to that good advice.
Sourced from here:
https://static1.squarespace.com/stat...attachcopy.pdf
Yes... that all makes total sense... and my superego really does kick me in the teeth sometimes... ! I need to befriend it..... learn to be grateful of it ... I think now that I'm aware of it, it will really help me create that distance in the heat of the moment. Is it an 'it' or a 'her' ? hmmm
Funny what you said about not to be too hard on yourself as came across a very interesting bit of text on this very sentiment tonight:
So this I get!! lol! I need the "rageful part of the self", the superego to listen to that good advice.
Sourced from here:
https://static1.squarespace.com/stat...attachcopy.pdf
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I thought I was on track with the detachment self care thing, and last weekend i was the best thing since sliced bread to him, but this one I get all these old feelings and memories hitting me hard.... And so now I'm to blame.again and he's even more superior because he's not drinking now.
look at the amount of power you give him.......
look at the amount of power you give him.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I thought I was on track with the detachment self care thing, and last weekend i was the best thing since sliced bread to him, but this one I get all these old feelings and memories hitting me hard.... And so now I'm to blame.again and he's even more superior because he's not drinking now.
look at the amount of power you give him.......
look at the amount of power you give him.......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think you know the answer to that.....
detach
keep your expectations low
less him, more you
self care as a priority
decide for yourself how you feel on any given day
recovery is a long haul. no one is fixed or cured or better in three weeks. for either party.
detach
keep your expectations low
less him, more you
self care as a priority
decide for yourself how you feel on any given day
recovery is a long haul. no one is fixed or cured or better in three weeks. for either party.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Surfbee
And so after showing up at his place in more panic, he now doesn't want to see me right now because of how things went on Thursday and because i called him so many times making him feel distrusted. So I'm the crazy girlfriend now.
I thought I was on track with the detachment self care thing, and last weekend i was the best thing since sliced bread to him, but this one I get all these old feelings and memories hitting me hard.... And so now I'm to blame.again and he's even more superior because he's not drinking now.
.
I thought I was on track with the detachment self care thing, and last weekend i was the best thing since sliced bread to him, but this one I get all these old feelings and memories hitting me hard.... And so now I'm to blame.again and he's even more superior because he's not drinking now.
.
And now you're doubting yourself and you're spending time reading about superegos and you're trying to figure out why he's irritable and what he's up to. And is he seeing this other woman and where is he at and what is he doing, etc?
If you are like me, these cycles have taken a HUGE toll on your self-esteem, and your ability to feel confident and "normal" and happy without this person in your life.
To be clear, your gut is absolutely right. It's not weird or wrong to be worried about what he's doing or if he's drinking. He’s mad because you made him feel distrusted? Darn right, you don’t trust him!!! Why would you trust him? He's shown you repeatedly in the past that you cannot trust him, and that he usually reverts to drinking. Trust takes a lot of time and effort to rebuild. And he's treating you like crap even though he may not be drinking. It's not anything you are doing. Nothing has changed. From what you’ve written, he’s really only caring about himself.
Yes, you can learn to detach, to not get involved, to protect your feelings, etc. in the hopes that someday down the line he may get recovery. But consider if things continue the way they are now, is this the kind of partnership that you want? If you are being 100% honest with yourself, do you see things changing for the better? The only thing you have riding on this relationship is the little bit of time that you have lost. And it wasn't/isn't a waste. You've learned a lot about yourself and what you want and don't want in a partner. But you can walk away. What if in two years you’ve found a man that is thrilled to spend an evening with you regardless of what is on tv. What if he takes you out and the thought of him getting drunk never even crosses your mind? What if he communicates with you about where he’s going and what he’s doing? What if he keeps the promises he makes? What if he makes you and your feelings a top priority?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Surfbee, my blood is boiling for you (lol) over the fact that HE tried to make YOU feel guilty for not trusting him. My ex did the same thing. And I would feel so horrible and I would apologize for not trusting him, and almost beg his forgiveness. This after he lied and failed to keep his promises so many times. My gut knew I couldn't trust him, but I allowed him to override my own correct instincts. Of course you cannot trust your boyfriend at this point. And if he is blaming YOU for that, then wow, that is manipulative and abusive.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee…..I think it might take some of the ankst out of this for you if you can, (over time), wrap your head around the fact that, living in his alcoholic bubble--he may not be able to be other than he is being right now. The alcoholic thinking has a hold on him...even if he is not lifting the bottle.....
Your expectations seem perfectly normal...IF you were involved with a normal, healthy, non-addicted individual.....
Addiction turns the rules hat we learn about "normal" relationships, all topsy-turvy....
The brain working to cope with addiction is like a person trying to function with a sort of chemical lobotomy of parts of their brain.....especially, in the prefrontal lobes.....
Your expectations seem perfectly normal...IF you were involved with a normal, healthy, non-addicted individual.....
Addiction turns the rules hat we learn about "normal" relationships, all topsy-turvy....
The brain working to cope with addiction is like a person trying to function with a sort of chemical lobotomy of parts of their brain.....especially, in the prefrontal lobes.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Surfbee…..here is something to think about...it pretty much applies to some of the stuff that comes out of the non-treated alcoholic's mouth....
Have you ever been around someone who is coming out from under anesthesia--almost awake, but, not completely--they say some of the most bizarre things you have ever heard....but, those of us taking care of them...and, sometimes, even their loved ones....we don't hold them, literally, accountable--we just remained lovingly detached...as we know that they are not under control of what they are saying--due to the chemicals still in their brain....
This might not be exactly the same thing...but parts of it are, I think....
th is is why one cannot ever take what an alcoholic says seriously....or, even one who has accommodated their thinking to the alcoholism....the only thing we can do is get enough distance to keep from being harmed....
Have you ever been around someone who is coming out from under anesthesia--almost awake, but, not completely--they say some of the most bizarre things you have ever heard....but, those of us taking care of them...and, sometimes, even their loved ones....we don't hold them, literally, accountable--we just remained lovingly detached...as we know that they are not under control of what they are saying--due to the chemicals still in their brain....
This might not be exactly the same thing...but parts of it are, I think....
th is is why one cannot ever take what an alcoholic says seriously....or, even one who has accommodated their thinking to the alcoholism....the only thing we can do is get enough distance to keep from being harmed....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
