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OforO's Recovery Journal

Old 10-11-2018, 05:28 AM
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OforO's Recovery Journal

Journaling has helped me in the past, in what was probably my longest sober streak. I'd like to try again and see if it helps as much.

First, I have to count the successes I've had this year with sobriety. Compared to the previous two years, where I barely ever had two consecutive sober days, I was able to start this year off with months of sobriety. Unfortunately, I relapsed, and would then get a month here or a week there in between even more relapses. Nowadays, I seem barely be able to keep a week without another 2-3 day binge.

So it seems my strength is starting to dwindle, and I know that's mostly because I am letting external factors affect me. I lost a job, two people that I care about won't even speak to me...but it is because of my drinking that these things happened. And, ironically, I turn to drinking when I feel bad about them? It is the beginning of a hole that I will soon be unable to dig myself out of.

It is becoming clearer to me that I need to change the way I think in general while I stay sober. I cannot always give into cynical thoughts or romanticize mentally and physically unhealthy lifestyles. There is an underlying sense of distrust I have in the world around me which, although part of me thinks it protects me, only pushes me away from others.

My plan for improving the quality of my thoughts? First, I am looking into therapy. Then, diet. I have always liked to stay fit, but I am also thinking of adding in some yoga in addition to weights and cardio.

I will try not to add in too many things at once, since that can lead to being overwhelmed. I will take it day by day, keeping in mind my goal for a more positive outlook. Early sobriety is tough. Whenever I am drunk or buzzed, I have all sorts of ideas for how I am going to change when I sober up. But in the first few days of sobriety, your emotions can go up and down at the drop of a hat. It is hard to jump right into everything with the same amount of energy.

It is also autumn, with winter coming soon enough. The months are darker and colder, it's easier to give into negative thoughts. I'll try to prepare for that, looking into those lamps they make for people with seasonal affective disorder and maybe some vitamin D supplements.

At any rate, this is day 2. Let me produce more strength than weakness today.
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Old 10-11-2018, 02:19 PM
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I know the first few days can be the toughest, but man this one has been tough.

Cravings all over the place. I also catch myself imagining future drinking situations. Imagining myself going out to dinner with a drink, as soon as I'm working again and back in shape. It's hilarious how delusional you can be. "I'll drink as soon as I get the things I lost because of drinking!"

The underlying algorithm will be tough to dismantle. I suppose the reality is that before I drank daily, I drank in almost any social or romantic situation. Naturally, those associations need to be redeveloped.

I applied to a ton of jobs today. On one of my last binges, I managed to drink a little before two job interviews, was offered both jobs, and drunkenly refused both. My psyche has simply come to favor this entitlement to freedom, but it will be to the detriment of my savings if I don't get back to work. And, of course, the more free time I have, the more I will be at risk to succumb to the AV.

I know I will make it through today. I may wake up with natural hope, but if not I should look for some positive podcasts to fall asleep to or something. There is a job fair going on very early for part time labor work, which is not something I do...but I figure it will keep me busier, get my body moving again, give me some money, and I'll still have time to grind for other jobs.
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Old 10-11-2018, 02:44 PM
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I understand completely.
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Old 10-11-2018, 03:44 PM
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I'm glad you're back and making a plan that will work for you.

Journaling is really good idea. I think it always helps to write out your feelings. The only thing I would add to your plan is to do something for fun, something that brings you some happiness each day. It could be something as simple as going for a long walk in the beautiful Fall weather, as long as it makes you smile.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:09 PM
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Hi Orderfororder

If you feel overwhelmed reduce things down to basics.

I will not drink - the tools I will use will including posting here regularly, posting before I start drinking.

I will also use...whatever else you can think of. OforO

Investigate other ways to deal with cravings, with fear, with anxiety, with boredom or whatever else you see as a trigger.

Some folks use AA or some other recovery methods, others read books, listen to TED talks, get busy with activities.

None of that is a particularly onerous workload IMO.

Your AV might try and scare you by suggesting it is, but I reckon it's not.
I worked pretty hard to try and stay drunk all the time.

if sober you is not worth the effort, who is?

D
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Old 10-12-2018, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm glad you're back and making a plan that will work for you.

Journaling is really good idea. I think it always helps to write out your feelings. The only thing I would add to your plan is to do something for fun, something that brings you some happiness each day. It could be something as simple as going for a long walk in the beautiful Fall weather, as long as it makes you smile.
You're absolutely right! You can tell I was/am kind of struggling with guilt feelings while writing, so I feel the pressure of working hard to rebuild. But it's definitely important to make time for fun or else you might burn yourself out.

And speaking of the fall weather, I noted it as being dark and cloudy, but walking out on my deck this morning and seeing all of the newly dead leaves blowing over as the sun hit the trees in the woods out back was a beautiful sight that reminded me of my love for the season.

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Orderfororder

If you feel overwhelmed reduce things down to basics.

I will not drink - the tools I will use will including posting here regularly, posting before I start drinking.

I will also use...whatever else you can think of. OforO

Investigate other ways to deal with cravings, with fear, with anxiety, with boredom or whatever else you see as a trigger.

Some folks use AA or some other recovery methods, others read books, listen to TED talks, get busy with activities.

None of that is a particularly onerous workload IMO.

Your AV might try and scare you by suggesting it is, but I reckon it's not.
I worked pretty hard to try and stay drunk all the time.

if sober you is not worth the effort, who is?

D
Great tips. It's definitely important to have a basic plan, and posting here when I get the overwhelming feeling to drink is something I have been guilty of NOT doing in the past, even if I tell myself I should. I've been watching various talks on how to deal with negative thoughts, they've been helpful to a degree.

I've also been recognizing triggers. One huge and obvious one that led to bad moods was reading letters from my ex while we were breaking up last month. As soon as I read them, I would get back into that negative state of mind. So...I just deleted them. I figure, they serve no purpose. The world runs without them in my inbox. And if they only cause me to go down a bad road, they are worse than useless.

Excited to start the part time job, if only to give me something to do while I am getting back on my feet.
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Old 10-12-2018, 06:02 PM
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good luck with the new job

D
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Old 10-12-2018, 07:59 PM
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Thanks!

Honestly, had a great day. No cravings, barely any negative slumps. Reached every single one of my goals. Did a video interview, which was kind of odd (it wasn't via Skype, but rather pre-recorded to automated questions) and was also invited to interview next week for a different company.

Also did yoga for the first time today and I think it's something I could get into. Hamstrings definitely need some stretching/loosening before I can hit certain poses, but I like the challenge.
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Old 10-14-2018, 12:46 PM
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Day 5.

I didn't get very good sleep, so everything I've done today has felt a bit off.

That could also be why I've had so many cravings. At least three or four times. Nothing overpowering. The strongest one was when my AV said to me, "just get a bottle to have on hand in case you need to seem confident in x situation." But that isn't how to live life. Any anxiety I feel is temporary and can be fought off through more sober immersion into society.

Anyway.

I've been listening to Tim Ferriss' podcast. He's an entrepreneur, author of the famous "4 Hour Work Week", but he has guests on from all walks of life. I find them interesting. Interesting people who have pushed themselves or conquered something or who just have an interesting story to tell keep me focused, driven, and sober. Humans of New York has a similar effect.
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Old 10-14-2018, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by orderfororder View Post
Interesting people who have pushed themselves or conquered something or who just have an interesting story to tell keep me focused, driven, and sober. Humans of New York has a similar effect.
Oh yes!!

You might like this memoir, The Sun Does Shine by Anthony Ray Hinton. It's about a young man from Alabama who was convicted of murder and spent 30 years on Death Row. He was then proven innocent and freed. The story shows the power of faith, strength and forgiveness.
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Old 10-15-2018, 11:23 AM
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Thanks for the recommendation, Anna! Always looking for new things to read.

Day 6 has been fairly tame so far.

I seem to have more of a go-getter attitude about all things. If I want to try a new recipe, I go out and get the ingredients and cook it that night.

The yoga continues to keep me interested. So much to learn and master.

My AV has reared its head a few times today. Mostly in the form of imagining the future. "Once you get a few months sober, you can have some beer." Why? I don't need it. How many times do I have to prove that to myself?

Taking it day by day. Interview for a pretty good job on Wednesday. Part time starts next Monday. Things are slowly falling into place.
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Old 10-16-2018, 04:14 PM
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Man, these days are getting long. Ironic, because the sun is starting to set earlier.

Things that I thought happened yesterday only happened this morning. I suppose that's a good thing, though. I guess I just always feel guilty if I'm not using time "productively." When I went on a drinking binge, I could make a week feel like a day, and although there was almost no productivity (and often the opposite), I didn't feel the time, so I didn't feel the guilt.

It's true: I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem.

On the other hand, my thoughts have been fairly stable. Usually, I experience a lot of highs and lows in early sobriety, and while there have been lows here and there, I have managed to keep myself on a steady rock. The things I have been attempting this time around, yoga and cooking new things, both have a sense of meditation to them and I think it is helping with my overall wellbeing.

Anytime I sense a familiar feeling or thought pattern, I question it and try to reframe it, look at things in a new way. Surely not all of those feelings or patterns are "bad", but I don't trust my old ways, understandably. And it's a good exercise in perspective, anyway.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will have been sober for a week, although it has felt much longer. I wonder if there is a point where I will be both sober and feel that time is moving too fast. That would feel like some kind of success, I think.
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Old 10-16-2018, 04:29 PM
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Time will speed up - I generally don't have enough hours in the day now, lol

D
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Old 10-17-2018, 01:43 AM
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I'm enjoying your journal, so please keep it up. I especially like your AV "quotes" because they highlight how ridiculous our addicted brains can sound (like keeping some booze around in case you need to seem confident!) One of the dumbest of my many relapses was based on the "great news" that a glass of red wine every day was good for your heart. See, medicine! Funny, those articles never prescribed the daily fifth of vodka I always ended up on...

Hope to read more from you -- good job on a full week
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Old 10-19-2018, 07:10 AM
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Day 10.

The last couple of days (and this morning), I've let myself eat a bit too much. I don't like this, but I won't beat myself up about it. It's just that there is such a clear correlation between the quality of food I put in my body and how I feel. Because I had "bad" food, I feel groggier and have less energy. When I have less energy, I slip into my default states of mind...which can be cynical. A tough exercise regiment today with lots of hydration and veggies might be able to straighten me out.

On the plus side, I have been leaning into sobriety more and more. AV and cravings are still there daily, but my mind is also full of positive affirmations along the lines of "you're living a sober life now" or "your sobriety is most important." I like this. I also like the fact that I'm finding comfort in this life, it feels like less of a drag.
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