Wife of 40 yrs getting wirse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 2
Wife of 40 yrs getting wirse
Married 40 yrs my wife is a closet wine drinker. Wine only but it is becoming a serious health issue already hospitalized twice in the last 2 yrs. in full denial and lies about it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I'm sorry for what brings you here Old, but you 'll find a lot of support for yourself, both here and in our Family and Friends forums as well.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
Glad you've found us
D
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
Glad you've found us
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
I can completely understand your concern. My mom is in her 70s, and has always been a very heavy wine drinker (she is an alcoholic). Over the past few years, she has declined mentally which may be alcohol-related dementia, and it has been a HUGE struggle to try to control her access to alcohol. All alcoholics know that trying to "make" someone quit if they don't want to is an exercise in futility, but when someone is getting older and in declining health, it can become an emergency which requires intervention. Please, feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk more about it. You're not alone. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 690
Have you spoken to her about this? Maybe because she is in the closet she does not think you even know about this? I would ask her gently about this and tell her you want to get her help. This site is a great place for support. Stay with us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: DFW area, Texas
Posts: 521
Glad you joined us. Unfortunately alcohol abuse runs in my family and several of my relatives who are older drink quietly too.
It's a tough situation to be in and I do feel a lot of empathy for your situation.
It's a tough situation to be in and I do feel a lot of empathy for your situation.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
I'm sorry for your situation and what brings you here. I hope your wife decides to deal with her addiction and for support for yourself, Alanon could be helpful, as well as our Family & Friends Forum.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 2
Yes we have spoken
She feels she has no problem. And tells me to go f myself. She resents me hovering over her and frequently verbally attacks me. She is getting away and a very mean person is replacing her. She needs rehab but will not even consider talking to anyone.
Originally Posted by Bethany57 
Have you spoken to her about this? Maybe because she is in the closet she does not think you even know about this? I would ask her gently about this and tell her you want to get her help. This site is a great place for support. Stay with us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Sometimes you have to do what's best for you.
If she doesn't think she has a problem, but is getting meaner and having increasing health issues, the hard question you have to ask yourself is are you going to subject yourself to this for the rest of your lives together?
That is difficult to face, but unfortunately, if she doesn't want to quit and there are no consequences, she will keep drinking.
Rehab won't "work" unless she wants it. And even then, it's tough going and relapse often happens.
Put the focus back on yourself--have you considered talking to a therapist who is knows about addiction?
Reading here can be really helpful as well--see the stickys at top of each section.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this--it is so difficult.
If she doesn't think she has a problem, but is getting meaner and having increasing health issues, the hard question you have to ask yourself is are you going to subject yourself to this for the rest of your lives together?
That is difficult to face, but unfortunately, if she doesn't want to quit and there are no consequences, she will keep drinking.
Rehab won't "work" unless she wants it. And even then, it's tough going and relapse often happens.
Put the focus back on yourself--have you considered talking to a therapist who is knows about addiction?
Reading here can be really helpful as well--see the stickys at top of each section.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this--it is so difficult.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 131
I am sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds as if the addiction is moving along the fairly predictable course. It sounds like she's in deep denial. I agree that you have to think of yourself. Gaslighting, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect are never ok, and will likely get worse untreated. Is there a way you can do both...take care of yourself and get her in treatment?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Old,
Welcome to SR.
I'll echo the suggestion of Al-anon. This Family Disease of Alcoholism affects all who are in the vicinity. It doesn't discriminate and is not logical in any way.
I find it helpful to keep posting here and find Alanon meetings to get to. As one person in the family changes their actions and viewpoints, everything else starts to change, too.
https://www.al-anon.org/
There is a self-assessment quiz to see if Al-anon may be able to help.
Welcome to SR.
I'll echo the suggestion of Al-anon. This Family Disease of Alcoholism affects all who are in the vicinity. It doesn't discriminate and is not logical in any way.
I find it helpful to keep posting here and find Alanon meetings to get to. As one person in the family changes their actions and viewpoints, everything else starts to change, too.
https://www.al-anon.org/
There is a self-assessment quiz to see if Al-anon may be able to help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Old
She feels she has no problem. And tells me to go f myself. She resents me hovering over her and frequently verbally attacks me. She is getting away and a very mean person is replacing her. She needs rehab but will not even consider talking to anyone.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Old,
Prayers. Quitting being a drunk is extremely difficult.
The problem lies in the brain's ability to find happiness. Alcohol alters that.
Without the booze, the drunk is unhappy (lack of dopamine), and the crave is constant and resides in the emotions. The analytical part of the brain has to want to quit.
If your wife doesn't want to quit, it is not going to happen unless she gets "locked up."
Drunks that get "locked up" can go years and then drink at the first opportunity, going right back where they started.
You are in the right place for information and ideas.
Thanks.
Prayers. Quitting being a drunk is extremely difficult.
The problem lies in the brain's ability to find happiness. Alcohol alters that.
Without the booze, the drunk is unhappy (lack of dopamine), and the crave is constant and resides in the emotions. The analytical part of the brain has to want to quit.
If your wife doesn't want to quit, it is not going to happen unless she gets "locked up."
Drunks that get "locked up" can go years and then drink at the first opportunity, going right back where they started.
You are in the right place for information and ideas.
Thanks.
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