allishope73

Hello again. I m scared to death. Maybe enhanced by going through day one and counting hours. At least hours . Small but big hours. However, i feel i m scared as i uncovered another thruth about myself. Painful truth. I was still in denial despite saying honestly i m an alcoholic. What i knew was partly true. It is like knowing but without understanding properly. Feeling like bursting into tears. How long it took you folks to know, understand , feel and do. I blame myself that i m not smart enough to have that awerness at the beginning. I think maybe more people had such expierience. Will be grateful. I m very harsh to myself today. But i can see how i used rationalisation to justify things. I had all the answers ot maybe thinking i had. As human we are not perfect. I just pray to get a chance to develop higher integrity. Today just trying to accept the fact .... better later than never. I can talk the talk but cannot walk the walk thinking i am walking the walk preety well. Another thought that came just now. I can see having very punishing super ego and my gut instinct is telling me i need to do AA programme... the steps for my own sanity. Abstinence is first step but to heal i need to follow programme. I m aware not all folks have to as so many tools are available in recovery. There are happy life long sober people who never did programme. However , i feel for my personality ... it is a tool ... a must tool altogether with others i m using already. Ok so now when another decision made the right person will come to my life as sponsor or guide. I m scared very much that i will bounce back and start running again without humility , acceptance and higher awerness. Ps . I m not sure if i make sense as going through day one so my head is not working very well. But will be grateful for some personal expierience .... maybe reassurance. Thank you xD

PinnacleOR

Hi Allishope, yes you are making lots of sense, and you will find a lot of people here, and in AA, who understand and share your thoughts and feelings. I am on Day 4, so I don’t have the wisdom and insight others here can share, but post, read and listen, and you will hear what you need, and find the people you need.

Just on Day 4, I can tell you I already see the world through new eyes. Don’t drink today, make it your top priority, and ask for help when you need it. And don’t ever be ashamed of being an alcoholic, these are the cards we were dealt, millions of us. The next question is, how do you choose to respond?

Good luck my friend.

allishope73

Thank you Pinnacle and well done on day 4 x i already feel better after reading your reply.. able to eat some soup . You already helped. Yes i had period of absinance and also quitt ciggarettes in one day. Was healthy but other symptoms were present. I rationalised this is probably stress, trauma of last year ... or whatever other i tried to diagnose myself. Feeling much better that i m not an addict as abstinent and diagnosing myself with any possible other illness instead. And happy other people confirmed i was not an addict just going through hard time. And i slipped as posted today. Badly as this time i really could not stop for 3 days guilt anxiety vicious circle. But somehow i prayed and stopped last night .Having money so not restricded to stopping. I stopped . Nearly day one done. Terrified of withdrawals but made it before so hoping i would make it. The brain played trick... bum...waking up to day one. As Dee said it was another lesson. So many lawyers still to uncover. Guilt played major role. How i can be tired i am healthy , how i can not work as i could , how i cannot sleep guilt guilt guilt for being not good enough. Retraumatising myself by myself. Therefore i consider programme. There is a lot of work to do if i want to discover new identity and real self. Otherwise i found another addiction ... maybe more healthy ...maybe behavioural not substance . Addiction is addiction and needs to be worked out lifelong and with discipline. Thank you . Finger cross for us and rest triers. X D

PinnacleOR

Good luck to you, keep checking in to SR!

Dee74

Hi allishope

I liken it to discovering I have diabetes or some other condition that needs constant monitoring.

As long as I continue to do the right things, my alcoholism need never be a problem again....

in time that becomes second nature and it really doesn't require that much conscious effort at all

D

allishope73

Thanks Dee. I can see it. In my early 20 i had problem with food eat or not to eat or binging. It took me years to let it go. I would never consider that one day i would not be obsessed with food. And i have a great healthy relationship with food now and love cooking as well nutrition is my hobby. So this is possible. I remember walking one day and was so unhappy i said enough is enough. Be happy even if fat. Of course i was never fat it was in my head. But intresting at that point i mentally separated with my mother i cut off controlling cord.at 27 and healed without treatment. I think food was a response to separation anxiety as i left to another city for uni at 19 y o. After i met my husband a man that i only repeated pattern of dependency. I do not regret marriage first six years it was a fairytale and many good years after. But longer i worked at project and was involved in psychology i started seeing red lights. I was a mother to him ... classic ....and also it suited me he was doing a lot for me and his life was to meet my needs and my one wast to meet his needs. The bond was hard to cut off and we ended destroying ourselves mentally ... not a nice ending. Therefore , now when i know i m commited to adress all issues but in priority ... sobriety first after 12 steps programme after theraphy. When the underlying issues that piled from childhood and partly swapped under carpet will be sorted. I would no need those unhealthy addictive behaviours. I might see that one day i would not have thoughts about alcohol but i will work out programme 12 steps and use it to live life. I m sure i learn a lot through the process as already learnt. So day one done and dusted. It was hardest but somehow God kept me alive another time. I made it . I m alive. I managed to eat although stayed in bed today.i did a lot of reading and some moments of realisation came into head. Putting the whole into puzzles and seeing picture and with this picture a light in a tunnel. Saying aha ...that is it. Very sad alcohol.is such a poison and i worry maybe i made some damage . There is a feeling that i had lucky escape last time. Detoxing alone without medical assistance just raw. I have the feeling enough is enough. A very big red light ... next time i might not make it. But i also have a better plan now and bigger understanding of the problem .so saying good night and thanks for support and reading my essays. To all folks stay safe x D