Zik4soul

Hello everyone, haven't been on here in awhile, been studying my program, going to Al Anon regularly, celebrating my 1 year on Oct 24th, I'm on step 4 with my sponsor. And am so grateful for this website and for Al Anon for bringing me back to life and not only that, but helping me stay present and stay humble in every area of life.

My ex gf (call her z) left me a year ago for her ex-gf. They have a lot of history of using together ( alcohol, heroine, meth). I was with z for 8 months in a very intense and co dependant situation. She left me thousands in debt, never came to get her stuff, was emotionally and physically abusive, living with me, we had businesses together etc.

We have had no contact since December 2017. And I have stuck to my recovery since.
She called me the other day asking to meet up for an amends. I told her I would talk to my sponsor and get back to her. I texted her days later to tell her I couldn't meet up but that she could send an email.

I know through her family that she is straight out of rehab, 60 days sober, already on step 9 somehow and back living off her ex gf (who is Rich because of her family) that she relapsed with before going into rehab.

Today , a day later, I received this:



Hello,
I am writing to own up to the harm and pain I have caused you. I was selfish, self-seeking, and dishonest. You gave me many chances to clean up my act and were so hopeful during the chaos. Chaos I caused. I stole time, energy, and emotion from you. I am sober now and leading a different life. I am committed to my sobriety and doing the work to never treat anyone the way I treated you. Is there anything I can do to make this right?
I also believe it would be best to stay on my own path. Let you continue live free of any fear or pain I have caused. Hope you are well, get everything you hope and dream for in this world.
Sincerely,
Z

I find this message extremely generic and shallow. My first reaction after she called, and before this email, was to ask her for my money back. Now that I read this I feel that no answer is probably the best answer. Just coming on here for some support and some suggestions/advice on how to deal with someone like this. Thank you for reading!

Glenjo99

I'll be interested to hear the advice from other people too. I can't offer you any as I've no experience but I'm currently going to alanon, detached, and learning all about codependency, over 2 months into it.

The guy I detached from cut contact after rehab, but said he would be in contact when doing the amends part in AA. I am not expecting this to happen and focusing on me now. I would love however to have some idea of how to handle it were it to happen also, just in case.

The letter she sent you did sound very generic and lacking depth, that's my feeling on it. Well done on doing so well on your programme, I'll be reading in anticipation.

trailmix

Hi Zik - I think if that is how you feel you should go with it (no answer).

Yes, it does sound pretty generic but maybe this person isn't really a communicator? Not making excuses just not sure if it was meant in a genuine way.

They asked the question, is there any way they can make further amends. Is there?

You mentioned she left you in debt. Was this clear cut? For example did she borrow X amt of dollars and promise to pay it back and not pay it back (I ask this specifically because you mention you were in business together and that is probably not so clear cut).

Do you still have her stuff you would like to get rid of?

She asked, if these are amends that would help you, I would state them and I would be specific, for example:

You borrowed X dollars from me on February 9th and X dollars on April 4th and a good amends would be to repay that to me.

Also, I asked you to pick up the stuff you left behind here back in November 2017, can you arrange to have this picked up?

Zik4soul

Thank you for your Swift response. The debt that she actually owes me if I had counted the business would be much higher. The couple thousand that she owes me I have a specific list for.
I just wonder if asking her is even necessary, since I know she is broke and living off of her gf since she is unemployed. I also don't really want to have e to deal with payments and communication with this person. Don't get me wrong I would love my money back, I could use it, and she told me she would pay it back when we were together I got rid of all her stuff. I just don't want to set myself up for a situation where I need to communicate with someone so newly sober who has a long history of being unstable. I feel like it would have been different if she was 1 year sober too. 2 months sober I just so brand new.

Glenjo99

This reminds me of my ex borrowing money from me in the summer, and his mum rang the week he went into rehab and asked if she would pay it back to me. I told her no it was his responsibility, but at the end if of the day it wasn't even about the money, I just wanted him to get proper help.

( The codependent in me can't help offering my two cents). I would follow my gut on this one. Money and things are not important. What is important is what's on the inside, that peace of mind, detachment, self care and self worth. Any contact with the ex might just bring it all back up again, and if that's not something you want or to be in her life in the future, I would stay detached.

Leelee168

Hi Z,

Generic? Maybe. Honestly, if I could even get half of what you did I would be thankful and it would do a lot for my own soul and my own healing. Sad, but I'm envious of even those few sentences you got.

Best to you.

dandylion

I do understand how Leelee is feeling about this....because I know how the partners of alcoholics are so often left emotionally bruised and bleeding...and, just Crave for a shred of anything that says that the addict ever cared or "saw" them at all. So often, here, people ask "Was it all a lie--will he/she ever realize what they did to me...after all that I gave to them?".....
I understand that feeling....

On the other hand...I really respect how Zik can recognize how this could have the potential to drag her back into a bad place, again.
I think that the pain and vulnerability of the loved ones, fresh and grieving from a break-up are so willing to grab onto any flicker of recognition...that they will grab onto it....like a drowning person will grab onto a twig , if it is thrown to them.....

Ladybird579

My exah has been in rehab 4 years and never once gave any sort of apology for anything he did or said. It does sound a bit like she copied it out of a a book but it is better then nothing.

dandylion

LOl….I just have to tell this....I re-read Ladybird's first sentence several times---thinking..."I have never heard of a rehab that is 4 years long!"...…
I needed a laugh, this morning......

Zik4soul

I hope this thread helps you in anyway it can! I know when i was starting recovery and she has just left me I would have done anything for some recognition and an ameds. Now a year later, after truly working on myself and seeing my part, I don't really need this anymore, and realize that she never really did know how to give me the affection I wanted because of her own self hate and self sabotage. This generic email is just a continuation of a sick person attempting to heal. The email means nothing to me. If anything I would have preferred nothing over this, but either way my world remains the same, and if I continue to value myself and my program, and my self love, things like this are just a little bump in the road, and quite frankly just another opportunity to be graceful and take care of myself.

Zik4soul

The answer is always the same to this it seems ..
They're trying????
I don't know anymore haha, with addiction it can just seem like such an endless battle and it's true the only solution is to keep moving and learn to take care of ourselves.

trailmix

Agreed that two months sober is very early on. As long as you are clear that you don't want the money (for the reasons you stated) and can let that go, then I too would let it go.

If you need the money, I would absolutely ask for it. Not out of vengeance or anger but because they asked.

Ideally they would have offered in their email, that would be a true amends in my opinion, however they asked and if it were me I would absolutely ask for the amends I felt were fair, including returning the money.

You could set up a payment plan where you never need to speak again, they could e-transfer an amt in to your bank account each month. How they get the money (unemployed/broke) is not your side of the street so I wouldn't worry about that for a minute.

In fact, why are you?

Zik4soul

It's true, I will always, in the end, just want the best for her. It's just easier to want the best for someone from afar when they have cause so much hurt in your life, and I have worked so hard to heal myself, and then a year later I get an email out of a textbook and my reaction is kind of like .. " you waited this long, can't you wait until you're a little more than 60 days sober?" But those are all expectations. Of I have received this a year ago I would have been happy with it, at this point I'm a little more in the space of "it's fine, do you, I don't need any part it in unless you're going to mean it and pay me back and be truly ready" but thays also expectations of her behavior. So I'm the end I just prefer to leave it alone. I will work on my resentment with my sponsor and decide if I answer in a week's time.

Zik4soul

I guess the fact the this is supposed to be an amends and that she didn't even mention it kind of answers my question to whether she would even pay me or not. I am going to let this one sit for a week and figure out if it's worth it for me to ask her for money, or if no answer is the best answer.

ShootingStar2

I think you are entitled to protect yourself and your recovery. Even getting this email has started you thinking about her and her behavior again. It's over, it's done, she is what she is, and it is okay to just forget the email and stay on your path to recovery without reconnecting.

It is now 6 years since I left my now exhusband alcoholic abuser. He still sends me emails, some angry, some remorseful and I ignore him and them. (I still, until last month, had one timeshare jointly owned with him that I had to get myself removed from, or I would have cut him off entirely.) His feelings are his, and they wobble this way and that, and I just don't have to choose to get involved in any of his emotional drama.

Safer for you to keep the ties cut.

ShootingStar2

Zik4soul

Thank you for your wise suggestion. I have made the decision to not respond, at least for the next month, as I see that her contacting me has already affected my recovery in the sense that it is the main subject of conversation with my sponsor. So I am deciding to continue on like I was before, in the very least until I feel less disturbed by the situation, and for all I know, that might be forever. Time is on my side, and I am grateful for the freedom of being able to not answer as I so choose. Have a good day!

Glenjo99

"When you can tell your story and it doesn't make you cry, you know you have healed." —David Avocado Wolfe

I hope to get here some day.

hopeful4

I personally would not respond.

Eddiebuckle

In a way, the couple thousand dollars you are owed is cheap for what you have learned from it. There are folks who spend years in therapy and never get the insight you describe above.

In AA's 12 & 12 (page 90), it says "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

At some point I hope you will look back at this relationship without anger or remorse, wish her well from afar, and simply move on knowing that as painful as it was, you are a healthier and more balanced person for having gone through the experience.