I'm Destroying Myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 4
I'm Destroying Myself
Hello,
Long time lurker, first time poster.
I'm finally ready to admit I can't drink alcohol anymore. I've been to AA in the past and I am seeing a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and alcohol abuse disorder. I always got myself into that mentality that "it's okay, I don't have to quit forever, I can have another drink someday" and I can't. I love my daughter and boyfriend so much and I'm destroying myself and my relationship due to alcohol. The sad thing is that my partner doesn't even know when I'm drinking half the time because I'll lie to him and say that I'm going to bed but really I'm drinking and I don't want him to be angry. Once I start I can't stop.
He's my whole world and I just can't handle the thought of hurting him or disappointing him any longer because of my lies and addiction. We are planning on moving in together next year and having a child together and I don't want to ruin this because for once someone truly loves me for me. We have talked about me quitting drinking before but I always made excuses for going back.
When I drink it's like something in me snaps and I NEED to drink. I get cravings for alcohol. I can't stand it anymore. I put myself in terrible situations where people take advantage of me or use drugs and end up neglecting my relationship and school responsibilities that night and the next day.
I truly love him and am a good partner when I'm not drinking. He told me he would even stop drinking around me. I'm ashamed at the things I've done and the lies I've told and frankly, it's making my depression worse to the point where I've had suicidal thoughts because I can't stand what I've done. Please help.
I want to be better. I know I can be better. I need help. Thank you.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
I'm finally ready to admit I can't drink alcohol anymore. I've been to AA in the past and I am seeing a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and alcohol abuse disorder. I always got myself into that mentality that "it's okay, I don't have to quit forever, I can have another drink someday" and I can't. I love my daughter and boyfriend so much and I'm destroying myself and my relationship due to alcohol. The sad thing is that my partner doesn't even know when I'm drinking half the time because I'll lie to him and say that I'm going to bed but really I'm drinking and I don't want him to be angry. Once I start I can't stop.
He's my whole world and I just can't handle the thought of hurting him or disappointing him any longer because of my lies and addiction. We are planning on moving in together next year and having a child together and I don't want to ruin this because for once someone truly loves me for me. We have talked about me quitting drinking before but I always made excuses for going back.
When I drink it's like something in me snaps and I NEED to drink. I get cravings for alcohol. I can't stand it anymore. I put myself in terrible situations where people take advantage of me or use drugs and end up neglecting my relationship and school responsibilities that night and the next day.
I truly love him and am a good partner when I'm not drinking. He told me he would even stop drinking around me. I'm ashamed at the things I've done and the lies I've told and frankly, it's making my depression worse to the point where I've had suicidal thoughts because I can't stand what I've done. Please help.
I want to be better. I know I can be better. I need help. Thank you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Welcome and I'm glad you posted.
Alcoholism causes us to feel shame and to be depressed. That's how it keeps us hooked. I know from personal experience, it was so hard to stop because I knew I would have to face the shame and guilt. But, have faith that you will be able to deal with these emotions as a sober person.
Alcohol is a depressant, and I'm sure you will feel better emotionally when you stop drinking.
Alcoholism causes us to feel shame and to be depressed. That's how it keeps us hooked. I know from personal experience, it was so hard to stop because I knew I would have to face the shame and guilt. But, have faith that you will be able to deal with these emotions as a sober person.
Alcohol is a depressant, and I'm sure you will feel better emotionally when you stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,536
Bojack, welcome to the posting side! Well done on your decision. I am very sure many of us will relate to your circumstances.
You say, amongst others, that you cannot stand the thought of hurting or disappointing your partner through your addiction. Of course you feel that way!
What I’ve heard though on this site a couple of times, is that many of us succeed once we stop trying to get sober for things other than ourselves. All the rest will follow automatically.
You say, amongst others, that you cannot stand the thought of hurting or disappointing your partner through your addiction. Of course you feel that way!
What I’ve heard though on this site a couple of times, is that many of us succeed once we stop trying to get sober for things other than ourselves. All the rest will follow automatically.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Welcome aboard!
I always thought I could drink again someday too, but I have discovered I actually need to shut the door on drink 100%.
I hope you get a lot more out of the forum now that you are posting.
I always thought I could drink again someday too, but I have discovered I actually need to shut the door on drink 100%.
I hope you get a lot more out of the forum now that you are posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome, Bo,
I could have written that almost to a T 6 years ago. Don't be like me and continue the destruction for the next 6 years. Please put a plan together, commit, do the work, recovery and live a sober happy life!
We are not always gifted a second, third, millionth chance. Take this one while you can.
Blessings,
DC
I could have written that almost to a T 6 years ago. Don't be like me and continue the destruction for the next 6 years. Please put a plan together, commit, do the work, recovery and live a sober happy life!
We are not always gifted a second, third, millionth chance. Take this one while you can.
Blessings,
DC
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Great to have you with us, Bojack.
I continued trying to manage my drinking until I nearly destroyed myself. I don't know why it was so hard for me to admit it was no longer fun or a relief from problems. I was dependent on it - drinking all day in the end - causing financial ruin & losing everyone's respect. It was such a relief when I finally decided to get free of it. I'm sure you'll feel that way too, after adjusting to a new way of living. Stay with us & let us know how it's going. We care.
I continued trying to manage my drinking until I nearly destroyed myself. I don't know why it was so hard for me to admit it was no longer fun or a relief from problems. I was dependent on it - drinking all day in the end - causing financial ruin & losing everyone's respect. It was such a relief when I finally decided to get free of it. I'm sure you'll feel that way too, after adjusting to a new way of living. Stay with us & let us know how it's going. We care.
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