OpheliaKatz

There are two pluses next to that title. Why? Because I'm angry-angry. Not just regular angry. I'm at a stage in my recovery where I get asked to think of the reasons that I was "drawn to" my ex (the addict). So here are my reasons.

1. My entire life, from infancy to adulthood, I was told that I was picky, fussy, bossy, "difficult", and that I would die an "old maid". I was also told that my best bet in life was to marry up, marry rich, and learn to cook really complicated foods. Of course things changed as time went on... but it's surprising how little people's attitudes changed. I had classmates who grew up to marry rich, cook complicated foods, and have children... and that is what they did. That is all they did. Some of them had law degrees... but that is what they did: depend on others, care for others.
2. I waited a long time before I decided to "settle". I was never one to go from relationship to relationship. I spent a long time building what I thought was my career. I met my exAH at work... he seemed to share my values... he was charming... he was sensitive... he seemed so... reasonable.
3. It became clear that there was something wrong with this reasonable man. Something slightly... "off". Sometimes he would put me down, call me stupid (but without using the word "stupid", he would say that I was stupid in a roundabout way). But then if I said that I felt disrespected, he would burst into tears and say that he was just trying to point out that my logic was faulty and I couldn't handle it because I didn't like to be wrong... and he felt that he could never criticize me. So if I said, well okay, since I'm so unreasonable, what do you want to criticize about me? Then he would have a list of things that I should do for him, many of which made me deeply uncomfortable. So this went on and on and on. He would insult me, cry, manipulate, get me to shift boundaries, etc.
4. Because I'm probably as dumb as he thought I was, I said, gosh, you seem depressed and needy... why don't you see a shrink? So he went. Nothing changed.
5. Let's fast forward a bit... after he had a HUGE overdose, which is when I discovered that he was lying about his drug use, we ended up in couples' therapy. In this therapy, it was consistently pointed out that he was "sick" and that I was expecting too much. I would say, but he shouts at me. I was STILL expecting too much. I would say, but I can't trust him. Still... too much. So I asked, "is this relationship worth saving?" I was told, yes you have a strong relationship. I said, I strongly feel like I'm being abused. I was told that I was "escalating" the situation by using "that" language. I was put on anti-depressants.
6. People kept thanking me for caring for the addict. Literally: thank you so much for caring for him... please make sure you take care of him... please make sure you cook for him... please clean his clothes. At one point, I said, so... who is going to take care of me? This made my ex roll his eyes.
7. There was literally only ONE thing that my ex did around the house: take the trash out and only when I asked him to do it multiple times. Also, he did nothing outside the house. Like, no work. I was taken off anti-depressants because apparently, I didn't have depression, I just had an "unacceptable living situation" (said the psychiatrist who took me off the meds).
8. When I attempted to get help for myself, the psychologist I was seeing would call him during our sessions to "discuss" his "feelings" about what I should do to help him. I was told that a little bit of drug use was often helpful for people with trauma backgrounds. I said, but if your doctor didn't give you bath salts or Spice, you probably shouldn't use it. I was told, "I can't recommend this, but I know people who use dealers... and you can get a better product."
9. I started trying to make friends... but he didn't like my friends unless they were ALSO his friends. If we were out together, he would belittle me in front of his friends: he would interrupt me when I was talking, or say that my opinion was wrong... or something. Sometimes his friends would agree with him and say things like, "what a dumb book to read, Ophelia."
10. I started trying out self care: going out for walks, going to the gym, getting more work (so that I didn't have to go home). This made things worse at home. Detaching made things worse. There were multiple ODs. He belittled my efforts at self-care because this took me "away" from him. He would scream at me until I felt like I was going deaf. He broke things. He stopped eating my food. I had to sit next to him and coax food into him. He stopped bathing. I had to facilitate the bathing process. There were multiple times I would have to get up in the middle of the night to check for a pulse... etc. I started thinking of how to write his eulogy. I fantasied about leaving. I felt guilty about this fantasy. I fantasied about killing myself... because that was a type of escape.

So I guess those are the reasons that I got into this situation and the reasons that I stayed and the reasons that I left.

One of the things I remember is that I started to HATE my reflection. I saw an old, very sad woman staring back at me every time I looked in the mirror. I kept thinking, I can't get old, I haven't done this or that yet... and I had no friends, I wanted friends.

So now I'm angry because: I have PTSD. I can't smell or be around people smoking or vaping without having anxiety attacks. I can't get up in the middle of the night for any reason without having an anxiety attack. Since leaving the relationship, I have made friends who are addicted to things, and they are respectful towards me, and their addictions are not my problem, and these are decent people (so far)... but there are a lot of parties I simply can't attend. I have to rebuild my entire LIFE and I am not young. I never had a family.

I have had no contact for a long time now... but not long enough. Recently he did something horrible... and I can't post it here. I was really triggered.

I am angry. I wish he would just... disappear.

Do I have a history of codependency? No. But I do have a history of accepting abusive attitudes -- because of my gender or my race or my attractiveness or lack thereof... or anything else that people might be abusive about. I no longer accept that. It's no longer okay. I may not be liked, but I no longer say, "yes" to everything.

53500

Ophelia, what you wrote is harrowing. What you suffered from your ex and from that whack job shrink: !! is infuriating.

Look, IMO you *should* be angry with two plusses. But more importantly, you got out. You don't accept crap and abuse anymore. I know you're still suffering from it - you write so well - but you got out and you're sticking up for yourself and reclaiming your life.

Good! It's not an easy lesson to learn. I'm almost 63 and still learning it.

ebecker1982

On what planet is it okay for a psychologist to call the abusing party and ask them for their thoughts? I'm assuming this wasn't relationship/marriage counseling....

Troubledone

I don't know about others, but when the time came that I gave full attention to just how very angry I was, I started setting better boundaries and taking better care of myself - and - was able to begin the important letting go and letting be that finally freed me (and my addict) to walk our own paths.

There is a great book "the Language of Emotions" that explained anger to me as a signal that a violation has occurred. It suggests that the healthy thing to do with anger is use it to strengthen boundaries. That helped me a lot.

My coach suggested that I write a letter to my addict and not mail it - but give full uncensored vent to my anger - and then burn the letter. It was one of the most freeing things I had done.

And then, I wrote out a list of my specific boundaries related to my addict and read them every single day for a month. It made a big difference in how I managed myself in the relationship. It did cause more conflict, but not the crazy kind - it was the kind of conflict that showed me that my addict was not interested in negotiating - only in my enabling. It ended up freeing me.

So good for you that you are getting in touch with your anger, and thanks for posting here - it is an honor to witness it. I hope you can now use it to create more space for yourself in your life.

OpheliaKatz

No it wasn't. There were a few things that happened that were also kind of... "off". Personal boundary violations. I'm not going to diagnose the psychologist because I'm not one and they are not my patient but the word "codependent" comes to mind. I mean, I am grateful for what they were TRYING to do.

I don't understand that at no point did anyone say: you don't HAVE to put up with someone screaming in your face... even if they are sick. Or: you don't HAVE to put up with someone expecting you to sacrifice your career and individuality to cater to their emotional and physical needs... even if they are sick. I just got: oh my g-d they are sick, you should practice some mindfulness to cope with the sickness... etc.

There was basically ONE time when I was told, "you don't have to... if you don't want to... EVEN if he dies." The person who told me this was actually treating him (or supposed to be treating him, but he didn't want treatment). I didn't find out the extent of his lies (and abuse) until the people treating him broke patient confidentiality and made the effort to talk to me personally. But it was years and years before that happened. I lost years.

OpheliaKatz

This book and the letter are good ideas. I have tried starting an unsent letter multiple times, but the only thing that comes out is... profanity. In fact, I'm started using profanity in public now, just sporadically without realizing it. It's embarrassing. I wasn't always like this.

I think I have a situation where... because I am and have been getting subsidized health care, the psychologists and counselors I have been seeing/am seeing are not... excellent. That's not to say that they are always not excellent (maybe they would be excellent if they had private practices and were paid more, I don't know). I wonder if I am working with volunteers. I actually saw an addiction specialist shrink who said that what I needed in my life now was to put on a short skirt and go on dates because for my age, my body isn't half bad. Umm... so I said, "I'll call you for my next appointment." I never did. I don't think I should date for... maybe an extra year... maybe. The RSPCA has loads of cats ready to be adopted. I am not going to date when I'm angry at my ex -- that would make for fun date conversation (NOT). If he had not emptied out my bank accounts (not joint accounts, MY accounts), I would be paying for things now.

I have not written a list of boundaries. I wonder if that is a useful exercise now that I'm no longer in the relationship (but from time to time he walks into my brain).

53500

Was the shrink serious? That was actual advice, as opposed to an extremely poor attempt at being funny? That is inappropriate on so many levels it is ludicrous.

Troubledone

I once attended a lecture where the presenter (a psychologist) said that it is likely that any therapist has been, will be or is neurotic themselves and the trick is to find one that has been and has done their own work.

Many therapists are attracted to the profession because of their own issues, so if they have done their own inner work they can be very helpful. However, it is also easy for a therapist to have their own issues get wrapped up in yours (there's an actual term for it called transference) and therapists are trained to be on the lookout for it, but there is a range of competence with therapists like any other profession.

That said, I have also seen some wonderful therapists in "the system", so I'd say maybe just keep looking. The good ones can be very helpful and I don't think the bad ones improve if paid more.

I think you are also wise to take it slow. And, I found that writing the boundaries is helpful for me beyond the immediate relationship with my addict because I usually fall for the same sob stories no matter who it is.

And - when I wrote my letter it was 10 pages of some pretty intense stuff - and then two weeks later I wrote another. I did find that helped me settle down my language in other areas because my anger at my addict wasn't leaking out in other areas.

But all this is a process and a journey unique to each of us. It sounds like you are finding your way and staying alert to your own process - which might be the best any of us can do as we try to work all this out.

Best of luck as you walk your path to healing.

trailmix

Ophelia do you attend a DV support group at all? Honestly, you can go ahead and diagnose the psychiatrist and the therapist.

They are not Gods they are people and in those two cases - odd people and need to be called as such. I'm glad you walked away from them.

I mention the DV support group because I wonder if that would be more helpful?

GreenChair

I'm not a "shrink" but I'm office manager for a shrink group practice. And I promise you there are good therapists out there who would never behave the way ! Please consider finding a therapist to work on yourself, your needs, your plans... because as you said ... who's going to take care of you!

OpheliaKatz

I was attending one but I walked away from it because the group was focused on childcare. I felt like I couldn't say anything without sounding trite -- it's not as if I could talk about the difficulties of arranging custody. I totally acknowledge that having children with an abusive addict is a terrible idea -- totally. At the time, I was going through infertility grief... as well as the loss of my entire youth to another person's addiction. I was also much older than most of the women attending, who were all young mothers with young children. It seems that every time I look for a group, they say, "this is Naranon, you need DV" or "This is DV, you need Naranon" or "This is sexual assault support, you need infertility support" etc... etc. Anyway, I am on a wait-list to see someone individually. I have been told that they can handle ALL these things. So maybe I'll see them some time next year... .

OpheliaKatz

It's possible that because when I get nervous or uncomfortable, I make jokes. If I let my guard down and I tell people what had happened, it sounds totally horrific... so I feel like I need to say, "oh well, at least I am not a quadruple amputee, imagine trying to dial for an ambulance with just my nose," or something ridiculous like that.

I also think there was transference. I've been in offices where the shrink was the one crying, not me. So then I feel like I shoudn't have said anything cause I made the shrink cry.

Probably the most help I have ever received has been on SR. I have had books recommended here, which have been helpful. People also are quite honest, which is rare online. For example, I used to hate reading everything that Trailmix wrote (sorry, Trailmix). I was just uncomfortable. But now... going back and looking at the things Trailmix has said, it makes a lot of sense to me. I actually look forward to Trailmix's comments. There are a few members whose comments I always read, even if the thread doesn't necessarily "relate" to me (different drug, thread about children... whatever).

The other reason I am alive today and am reasonably sane (I think) is because of some of the people I know. I told them what was going on and they were supportive. They said, "look, I'm an addict and I don't behave like this guy, you need to get away from this guy, he's controlling, he's abusive." Every time I said, but what do I do if he DIES. They said, that's right, he might, AND... he's making you worry about it. But there's a limit to how often I can talk to people about this who are not professionals -- friends are not therapists.

So I'm still looking for a therapist I can click with.

pdm22

Well I might be new to the board, but I did lurk for quite a bit before I joined, and I’ve read quite a few of your posts. I might not personally know you or your ex, but I’d bet my house that your ex does not think you’re dumb. In fact, it’s quite obvious from reading your posts that you are intelligent and funny, and I’m sure he knew and saw this, and his crippling insecurities made him take jabs at you and criticize you. If anything, the more jabs he took, I’d be willing to bet was when he was feeling that you were smarter than him, and he had to do that to you to get some sort of upper hand in his own mind, and to boost his own ego.

hopeful4

I think part of what you said is what makes me the most angry about addiction. ALL the focus is put on what the addict needs. What would be good for them. The assumption that we should just stay and make the best of what we can. It happened to me for years, for as long as I would tolerate it. From his care team in rehab, his therapist, his family, the list goes on.

Then...guess what?! I decided....ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I decided that I, and my children, deserve more. I will always hope and pray he figures out his life. However, I figured out mine. I put that focus back on my children first, then me. Where it belongs. I am a different person now, so are my girls. I was actually diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. So, I went to therapy to figure out what to do about it, and I work on it, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I still get mad sometimes, but I can definitely appreciate that I am now a new me. And I like her a whole lot more than the old me!

OpheliaKatz

The longer he did it, the less I had to say about anything. It wasn't all verbal jabs, sometimes he would have a drug or health crisis. It was like he was trying to erase me and make everything about him. I wish that the "experts" we went to for help had been helpful but they made everything about him too; I guess because he lied to them a lot. I wish I had known about all the lies sooner.

OpheliaKatz

I've spent a few days now thinking about why I was in the relationship for as long as I was... and I've realized something: I existed within a structure that kept me there. It was a structure that he benefited from.

The people around me would say things like, "well, maybe he needs you to encourage him more, maybe he'll be less depressed if you encourage him." That's just one example.

Here's another. Someone said that if their neighbors were having a violent argument, they wouldn't call the police because that wouldn't give the couple a chance to "make up". I mean... I don't even know what to say. I meet people I've not seen in a while and when I get around to telling them I'm divorced they say, I'm sorry, why? I say, he was abusive. They say, did you feed him enough? Did you sleep with him enough? Did you go to therapy?

I'm so angry... I don't even know who I'm angry at anymore.

I'm also writing that unsent letter. I don't even know how to start. Maybe: Dearest Parasitic *******... .

Hechosedrugs

The "experts". UGH!

Narcissists are SO good at getting the experts on their side.

trailmix

Ophelia, you might like this video. Although it is entitled - "Getting back in to a health relationship after etc", he discusses the super ego and also how we get trapped in abusive relationships.

I just thought it might be helpful as he goes on to discuss how you work your way out of that. He has a lot of helpful videos you might like, I'm sure he's not everyone's cup of tea but I like that he is very straightforward:

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OpheliaKatz

Yes, I did find that interesting. The last thing I want is another relationship. I just want to NOT be angry or sad. I want to feel neutral. I am not ready to feel neutral right now. Also, the example that he used to explain gas-lighting is actually a real thing that happened to me.

Ann

I am so sorry for all you went through, you have a very good way with words that express the process, and it is a process, from when the abuse began, as you tolerated it, and how you found the courage to escape.

I know for me, and for many here I think, "dysfunction" becomes our way of life for so long that we get comfortable, for lack of a better word, there. It becomes our "normal". We know what to expect and how we will react and we know what each day will bring and that we can and will wade through it somehow. When the time came that I found recovery and began to ask myself "what the heck are you DOING?" it was a moment of clarity but it also scared me because I had lost sight of how to live any differently. I no longer knew "that stranger called me".

All this was with my son's addiction and our emotional attachment was different than yours...but the codependent sickness that kept me there was much the same.

You are away from the situation now, that is a good thing, but I think you are not yet "free". He still occupies your head...and, please know I say this with love in my heart...you (and I) stuck around far too long and we both have/had a need to figure out why. Why would we let a loved one treat us in a way that we would never ever tolerate from anyone else?

Once I began working on me, it no longer mattered about him or anything else. I needed to learn to set boundaries for myself to apply to anything and anyone in my life, no matter what the relationship is...friendship, family, professional. stranger...I needed to learn to take very good care of me.

I am sad that you have tried to do that and have encountered some pretty poor counselors and professionals. I too went to three therapists before I found one that had any clue about what I was experiencing...and she recommended that I try CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), a 12 step program that is about me/us and dealing with all relationships in our lives, past, present and future. Those meetings saved my bacon and gave me guidance that I still take with me every day today. It was one codependent helping another, much like this forum on SR. We learn from those who have been where we are and who have survived and become strong wonderful people that we want to learn from. We want what they have.

I have been rambling on and on, I have a tendency to do that. But I wanted to drop in on your thread and offer my own experience and support.

You've come a long way, you've been through the hardest part, the rest is just cleaning up the mess and I promise you that it will feel good to get through all that too and finally, once and for all, be "free".

Hugs