Glenjo99

The more I look, read, see hear, the more I see codependency everywhere around me. I suppose it's no coincidence as we will have been drawn to other codependents etc. All my new awarenesses are overwhelming me a bit with regards to people in my life or lack of lately. Become very isolated apart from self care activities.

But having been at an Al Anon meeting tonight, I've actually come away a bit scared! Is that normal?

I hear people talking about looking around, and seeing most people having drinking issues, codependency issues and how they put up boundaries, self care and are mindful of who they trust and open up to.

I agree with them, but I find the whole thing incredibly isolating! I mean everywhere I look now I can see people being codependent or being over dependent on alcohol even some good friends. I couldn't even tell them I go to Al Anon as one friend said I don't need to keep going now. Think it says a lot when I can't tell people I go to meetings.

It does really open my eyes to ALL my relationships. What if every relationship I've set up, family friends etc are all codependent in some way. How do I manouevre my way through this. My drinking friends think I am gone boring, I just got turned off it because of what I've been through. Some of family of origin are highly dependent on alcohol but are all codependent.

This is hugely frightening. I don't know where to turn or am I over reacting (Cody trait).

LifeRecovery

For me my recovery has been in the shape of a pendulum arc.

I am typically far over on one side and when I learn about it I overcorrect a little to the other side, but eventually I settle into a happy medium.

For me I have had to explore both sides to see what works for me.

I have on many occasions been fearful in recovery of going past the point of no return on something but it has always self-corrected.

Glenjo99

Ok, that's good to hear, I need to explore a bit more what's happening for me.

dandylion

Glenjo…….this reminds me of something.....sort of.
When in classes of clinical medicine.....it is a common occurance that medical students "get" whatever disease is being discussed.....

Also---"When all one has is a hammer---everything looks like a nail."

CodeJob

GlenJo,

It takes time to recalibrate and accept that people are finding their own way in their own time.

Take care of you!

Maudcat

It does seem that way, doesn’t it?
Once we find relevance, it can be hard to unsee.
But...time and distance bring clarity.
Breathe, one foot in front of the other.
It will be okay.

honeypig

I'd just like to add that I think this may actually be a positive thing, Glenjo...one of the reasons for you to continue in Alanon even though your relationship w/your A has ended is that codependency and other unhealthy traits are not limited just to our relationships w/our A's. We generally have similar issues w/the rest of the world, too. Once I started to really see these things, I began to understand how to behave differently in friendships and how to look at things w/new eyes and respond in a new way at work, too.

There is a saying in AA about how they will "practice these principles in all our affairs." That is exactly how the knowledge gained in Alanon should be used, too--in all our affairs. That is a real sign of growth and learning, IMHO.

So although you're feeling a little overwhelmed right now, I'd agree w/all the others--you'll gradually settle towards center again. But you'll take with you a whole bunch of new knowledge and insight, and that will just keep growing as long as you are actively seeking your own recovery, whatever form that takes for you.

Here are a couple of threads I started about "in all of our affairs" type incidents, in case they might be helpful to you:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-clarity.html (O/T: Job Interview and Moment of Clarity)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ventually.html (Little advances, hoping they add up eventually)

trailmix

I wouldn't worry too much about it really. It's about focusing on you, not them. They will be fineeeeeee. Whether that's drinking too much or being codependent. As long as it's not (codependent) with you, not your side of the street. You can still enjoy their company, if you like.

As for the drinking, who can tell, just because someone over drinks one night doesn't mean they are going home and drinking every day. I know a few people that like to go out and really drink but might not drink again for months or a year or more.

But! Even if they are drinking every night, again, not your side of the street, all you have to do is look after you.

Who knows, maybe being around you is good for them. Maybe seeing you as independent and confident is a good example of how it should be (not saying you have to be the dalai lama of your group). What if you had been around more non-codependents in your life?

Also, I think as time goes by you will probably end up meeting/becoming friends with people who are more of your mindset. You will probably be more attracted to them. To that end, maybe taking a night class or something that is out of what you would normally be drawn to would be a good move?

Glenjo99

Yes, back to my side of the street! It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can jump to others stuff and be overwhelmed. Total codependent thing.

atalose

I think there is a certain amount of hyper sensitivity to alcohol and drug consumption when it has been a negative factor and cause for the ending of a relationship. It often leaves us jaded. But not all drinkers are alcoholics and not everyone who smokes pot or snorts cocaine once in a while is a drug addict. And not everyone is codependent or approval junkies or endless people-pleasers.

I’m not sure what your road on recovery looks like to you or what expectations you may have for yourself. In one of your other posts you asked for “recovered” codependents to share. I’m sure you meant others who’ve been on the road of recovery for a while. My belief, there is no cure for alcoholism, alcoholics can find a new way to approach life and arrest the disease and live in remission (sobriety). Same with codependents, learning to approach life with healthier skill sets. But both will always exist because every habit we’ve ever had is still there, lying dormant and given the right conditions all our addictions could burst into full bloom. I really is a journey not a destination.

AnvilheadII

you would have a similar experience after buying a new car....suddenly you would see YOUR car EVERYWHERE!

there are a bajillion things that are happening around us right now and we are aware, at any given time, of only the teensiest smidgen. we can only SEE so much, be AWARE of so much, and can only see so far.

while in our dwellings and our musings and for some our circular or obsessive thinking we believe ourselves to have ninja-like concentration, we are also subject to the "oooo, shiny!!!!!!" phenomenon.....

trailmix

So true Anvil, your car example made me laugh

Glenjo99

I agree there is definitely a hypersensitivity to alcohol and codependency following exposure to it in a relationship that ended badly. I know not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic ditto with drugs.

That said all my family members are codependent in every way and it was there since I was young.

I agree the traits will always exist, some members at Al Anon last night who were there for years, talked about having problems asking for help which was the topic. It's managing them, but for me so early on in recovery I feel I need to be hyper aware of the traits as I want awareness of them ingrained so I can recognise when they show up. It is a journey for sure, I know it will never go away but working at managing it, is so good for me. Especially the not being responsible for other people, parents, friends strangers piece or trying to fix, rescue, please them.

Glenjo99

Well yes I agree, I do see my new car everywhere, because it's a new awareness for me and one which has opened my eyes hugely to what has been going on in my life since childhood. I don't think I will ever loose it, as reading codependent no more by melody beattie has changed my life, utterly! As has what I have learned from this relationship.