Envious of others
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
Envious of others
Today I am struggling with envy of friends and colleagues who seem to be doing better than me. Emphasis on "seems." I know everyone struggles with thinking "the grass is greener" etc. But I feel like staying sober is magnifying my envy lately. Or maybe it's that I'm jealous of people who don't have this problem to deal with...I dunno. Not sure what I am saying, really. Just venting a bit. I wish I could just stop thinking about what other people have. I try to be grateful about all the things I do have, etc. And I know everyone is different, fighting their own fight, etc. Are there any more specific meditation techniques or similar tools that can help stop or redirect this kind of negative thinking? Thank you in advance.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Mindfulness and meditation can definitely help in this area. There are a whole host of guided techniques out there on youtube, podcasts, etc.
I'm not sure how much time you spend on social media or mainstream news, but i've found that avoiding those places - or at least greatly minimizing your exposure - can also help. Places like Facebook/Instagram/etc actually promote envy/anxiety in my personal opinion.
I'm not sure how much time you spend on social media or mainstream news, but i've found that avoiding those places - or at least greatly minimizing your exposure - can also help. Places like Facebook/Instagram/etc actually promote envy/anxiety in my personal opinion.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
I agree with Scott. Social media is a minefield for envy and it doesn't represent anyone's 'real' life. It's always helpful for me to exercise, usually walking/hiking, where I can focus on other things.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
One day at a time. First things first.
"What's for dinner tonight?" is a great question that gets my focus to something neutral/positive. It connects me with others in a familiar ritual that can take many forms.
Finding healthy guides/mentors/teachers helps a lot, especially when learning meditation. When I started, I had a hard time meditating for 1 1/2 minutes. Now long meditations are an integrated part of life that bring balance, focus, peace and a sense of being who I'm meant to be. That I am "enough".
"The mind is like a cup of muddy water and when you're moving around all the time that water just stays muddy.
It's only when you're still that the mud sinks to the bottom and that water becomes clear."
"What's for dinner tonight?" is a great question that gets my focus to something neutral/positive. It connects me with others in a familiar ritual that can take many forms.
Finding healthy guides/mentors/teachers helps a lot, especially when learning meditation. When I started, I had a hard time meditating for 1 1/2 minutes. Now long meditations are an integrated part of life that bring balance, focus, peace and a sense of being who I'm meant to be. That I am "enough".
"The mind is like a cup of muddy water and when you're moving around all the time that water just stays muddy.
It's only when you're still that the mud sinks to the bottom and that water becomes clear."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
You know folks in recovery love a platitude: "Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides." 
It's so funny, because I've spent 9 months in recovery and SO MUCH of my competition with others has dissipated over the past few months. When I was drinking, I was a controlling perfectionist who worked extremely hard to keep up appearances...as a sober person, I either don't care as much about what other people seem to have, or I realize that I could have a lot of things too if I simply prioritize them. Life starts to open up in that way, it's an amazing feeling to feel hopeful and capable after feeling stuck for so long. I hope the same for you. 
It's so funny, because I've spent 9 months in recovery and SO MUCH of my competition with others has dissipated over the past few months. When I was drinking, I was a controlling perfectionist who worked extremely hard to keep up appearances...as a sober person, I either don't care as much about what other people seem to have, or I realize that I could have a lot of things too if I simply prioritize them. Life starts to open up in that way, it's an amazing feeling to feel hopeful and capable after feeling stuck for so long. I hope the same for you. bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,745
The best way I know to make anything better is to practice gratitude every day. 
To be grateful for what you have instead of resentful of what you don't have. Focus on the good things. Being grateful can also make you happier.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
To be grateful for what you have instead of resentful of what you don't have. Focus on the good things. Being grateful can also make you happier. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, GreenSweater, love your screen name and avatar.
Welcome.
When I first became sober I was unhappy that I couldn’t drink anymore and envious of those who could.
But...drinking was not good for me and my marriage and I knew it.
So changes had to be made.
Over time, I came to see that drinking was overrated, and I didn’t miss it anymore.
I spent some time in AA, which helped.
Ultimately not the program for me, but really helped a lot in the beginning.
I have been in recovery for about six years now.
I practice yoga, get exercise, try to get outside as much as I can.
Some meditation, tho I struggle.
I think all things, good and bad, pass in time.
Just don’t drink, and try not to worry about other people.
Peace.
Welcome.
When I first became sober I was unhappy that I couldn’t drink anymore and envious of those who could.
But...drinking was not good for me and my marriage and I knew it.
So changes had to be made.
Over time, I came to see that drinking was overrated, and I didn’t miss it anymore.
I spent some time in AA, which helped.
Ultimately not the program for me, but really helped a lot in the beginning.
I have been in recovery for about six years now.
I practice yoga, get exercise, try to get outside as much as I can.
Some meditation, tho I struggle.
I think all things, good and bad, pass in time.
Just don’t drink, and try not to worry about other people.
Peace.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Like others have said above, meditation and gratitude have made a huge difference for me.
Also, there was a time where I was drinking but it was undercover and no-one had twigged on. Everyone around me used to say "you are so strong and take no sh$t off anyone, I wish I was like you, you are really good at your job and are such a happy person". I was not happy at all, I used to cry at night at home alone, drink most nights to quell the lonlieness, had no self confidence and was paranoid all the time that everyone hated me. However what people saw was something different and this just added to my feeling of isolation and a need to cover up how I was really feeling. I think about this when I now look at others and think they have a better life than me, I know what we project to others is not always the truth and this person may look like they have it made but inside they are suffering and in pain. In general addicts (speaking for myself here) are very selfish and everything is about them, "it's not fair, they get better jobs than me, they have more luck than me, they have it easy, their life is easier than mine". Everything is centred from a "me" perspective and because of this we quite often fail to see how others are feeling becasue we are so consumed with ourselves. Gratitude and metta meditation certainly helps me in this regard. x
Also, there was a time where I was drinking but it was undercover and no-one had twigged on. Everyone around me used to say "you are so strong and take no sh$t off anyone, I wish I was like you, you are really good at your job and are such a happy person". I was not happy at all, I used to cry at night at home alone, drink most nights to quell the lonlieness, had no self confidence and was paranoid all the time that everyone hated me. However what people saw was something different and this just added to my feeling of isolation and a need to cover up how I was really feeling. I think about this when I now look at others and think they have a better life than me, I know what we project to others is not always the truth and this person may look like they have it made but inside they are suffering and in pain. In general addicts (speaking for myself here) are very selfish and everything is about them, "it's not fair, they get better jobs than me, they have more luck than me, they have it easy, their life is easier than mine". Everything is centred from a "me" perspective and because of this we quite often fail to see how others are feeling becasue we are so consumed with ourselves. Gratitude and metta meditation certainly helps me in this regard. x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
I have a simple but great life -I strive to keep in touch daily with all the things I have to be grateful for
I much prefer the peace and serenity of this way of living that that the envy and resentment of an active drinker.
If I can get here, anyone can GS
D
I much prefer the peace and serenity of this way of living that that the envy and resentment of an active drinker.
If I can get here, anyone can GS
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Green,
This may seem a little odd, but have you considered volunteering? Perhaps at a homeless shelter or food pantry? After I had a couple of years of sobriety, I started volunteering one hour a week at the detox ward at our local hospital. Some weeks it seemed like nobody was interested in staying sober, but often I was able to speak with one or more people and tell them how my life had changed since I hit bottom and decided to seek help. Even on the 'less great' weeks, re-experiencing what very early sobriety looks like reminded me why I want to stay sober. The 'great weeks' gave me hope for others I would never see again. It was really powerful and uplifting.
For folks like us, gratitude needs to be a verb, not a noun.
This may seem a little odd, but have you considered volunteering? Perhaps at a homeless shelter or food pantry? After I had a couple of years of sobriety, I started volunteering one hour a week at the detox ward at our local hospital. Some weeks it seemed like nobody was interested in staying sober, but often I was able to speak with one or more people and tell them how my life had changed since I hit bottom and decided to seek help. Even on the 'less great' weeks, re-experiencing what very early sobriety looks like reminded me why I want to stay sober. The 'great weeks' gave me hope for others I would never see again. It was really powerful and uplifting.
For folks like us, gratitude needs to be a verb, not a noun.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 543
I have those same feelings... but I think it is as a result of self reflection.
Drinking has been an obstacle for me doing a lot the things that I have wanted to do with my life. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time as a result.
If you have specific life goals for yourself, you are much better equipped to achieve those goals with sobriety. When you are working towards specific goals, then perhaps those feelings of envy will subside?
Drinking has been an obstacle for me doing a lot the things that I have wanted to do with my life. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time as a result.
If you have specific life goals for yourself, you are much better equipped to achieve those goals with sobriety. When you are working towards specific goals, then perhaps those feelings of envy will subside?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,962
Hi Green sweater! I’m not sure how long you’ve been sober? When I was habitually heavy drinking, I found the alcohol fueled all those negative emotions. I was already angry at the world because of life circumstances I couldn’t control. In addition to feeling jealous of others who didn’t have the same problem and seemed to have it easier than me, I felt judged by them as if they believed these life and family problems were my fault. Long story. But the anger-alcohol cycle was a vicious one and I also became more isolated and depressed.
After I stopped drinking, I found that I had less anger toward others even though my life circumstances had not yet changed. That’s why I asked how long you’ve been sober. It took nearly a full year of sobriety for my emotions to balance. I saw an individual therapist as well (someone with personal experience with alcoholism and recovery), had to come to terms with my past, stop comparing myself to others and stop doing fake book! I am learning to have more of a spiritual and less materialistic life (though I’d love that green sweater) .
I do yoga and meditation every day and practice gratitude every day too.
I have not gone to AA. I use SR mainly for support now and therapy when I need it. But I have recently started going through 12 steps on my own and incorporating these new practices into my life, not just in terms of alcoholism, but in all areas. Emotional sobriety is key for me. I hope to keep seeing you around here.
After I stopped drinking, I found that I had less anger toward others even though my life circumstances had not yet changed. That’s why I asked how long you’ve been sober. It took nearly a full year of sobriety for my emotions to balance. I saw an individual therapist as well (someone with personal experience with alcoholism and recovery), had to come to terms with my past, stop comparing myself to others and stop doing fake book! I am learning to have more of a spiritual and less materialistic life (though I’d love that green sweater) .
I do yoga and meditation every day and practice gratitude every day too.
I have not gone to AA. I use SR mainly for support now and therapy when I need it. But I have recently started going through 12 steps on my own and incorporating these new practices into my life, not just in terms of alcoholism, but in all areas. Emotional sobriety is key for me. I hope to keep seeing you around here.
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