Dandelion12

Im not good. I almost drank the emotions were so bad

Ive never felt this bad in my life. Sobbing all morning.

The alcohol use was just the tip of the iceburg.

I feel like a wretch. Like a broken two year old.

I have nothing left.

Im sorry everyone.

My life is junk.

I have nothing to show for my life

Just a head full of bad memories.

What a terrible life

Anna

The emotions can be truly overwhelming when we really feel them. Have faith that you will get through this. You can learn to deal with your feelings in healthy ways. Try to do something nice for yourself today and be proud of what you are accomplishing with your sobriety.

Dandelion12

Thank you Anna.

I sobbed and went back to bed.

Sleep is the only peace I get

I really dont even want to look at myself

I was robbed of a normal life.

Im not drunk. Thats all I have going for me.

Wow. How did this happen?

aasharon90

There are many of us Dandelion that stopped growing
emotionally when we began drinking. How old were you
when you had your first drink? I has small sips as a child
but it wasn't until around 16 or so that I drank and hoped
on the alcohol train and didn't get off till I was 30.

Emotionally still young.

You've got to learn how to get out of your head
and stop thinking about the past. I had to learn
to leave the past behind me because its gone. I
can only learn from it so that I dont repeat or pass
it on.

Many of us have been broken due to our past,
but with education and learning we have over
come the pain from it.

Remember your plan in a few days. Hold
on to it and be ready for it.

In the meantime, like Anna suggested, do
something kind and nice for yourself.

Be proud of your aaccomplishment in remaining
sober today. Also, you cant get drunk, or slip, or
relapse if you dont have alcohol in your home or
drive to buy some. Drink soothing tea or water to
stay hydrated. Food for hunger. Rest if your tired.
And be sure to come here to ask for help in what
you need or dont understand.

You have our support and understanding in your
corner on a daily bases so you are never alone.

Dandelion12

Im SO Incredibly thankful for everyone here.

Thank you.

If I couldnt get this out and grieve, I would drink and/or end my life.

Its been too much to carry.

Thank you

Dandelion12

Look at my thread title " too much TOO face"

I was an English major. I cant even think normally. I havent had a drink in two weeks.

Cracking open emotionally and cant think straight.

Im never going to be the same. Maybe thats a good thing

aasharon90

Doesn't the word too mean also? To much of
everything also to face at one time. Everything
in life, from the past.

We all have too much on our plates at times
for us to handle. So that is why it is taught to
us to stay in the moment. Stay in the day. One
day at a time.

When we begin to think this way then life
doesn't have to be so overwhelming. Right?

Too much of anything, esp. in early recovery
is too much to handle.

It will get better as long as you dont drink
and continue to take it a day at a time. You
can cut it back even more if necessary. One
minute at a time.

2 weeks is good start to your recovery, so
dont rush in trying to figure out everything
all at one time. Okay. Remember to breathe,
take care of your doggies, take care of you.

Good to see that you are posting.

Culture

Can't really add much Dandelion, other than to back up what aasharon has already said. One day at a time is what got me through, tomorrow will take care of itself. You have to take small steps or you end up totally overwhelmed and we all know where that leads right? I know facing it all is really frightening but you will get through, we all did. If you need to, post a million times a day, someone will always be here to help, you are not doing this alone.

Hawkeye13

Feeling the feelings you've numbed with alcohol for years is like an wall of pain hitting you. Crying and sleeping and letting it go through you, feel it, and then pass on is part of healing.

Believe it or not, this is progress.

It feels hopeless in the middle but the truth is you are being authentic with yourself, and that is the first step towards recovery.

And even more important, you are NOT drinking. That's a huge win.
Keep posting, and really do try some little things to support yourself today like sitting in the sunshine, watching an old movie, taking lots of hot showers, washing your bedsheets and make up your bed fresh and clean.

You are valuable and you matter.
It feels hard to accept that in grief, but we can see it and you will too as you work your way through this Dandelion.

Dandelion12

Thank you.

The things I can discuss here helo me so much.

If i told people in real life the truth they'd run for the hills.

Its an immense relief to be honest.

Thank you all

D122y

Dan,

Ime...The depression was part of the healing.

Drink and the cycle starts again.

For me it really never went away, i got used to it. Then it started to get better.

I try to live in the present. The past is gone. I learned from those days.

AA talks about a miracle that occurs when we get to a certain point/time clean. That time is when my brain began producing natural dopamine.

It takes months. Exercise helps because it gives adrenaline. Roller coasters also help. Anything to get the emotions stirred.

Knowledge is what SR gave me to figure out drinking is emotional. Staying sober is analysis.

I call it growing up. My 15 year old acts more mature than me when i was in my 20.s.

Booze stymied my emotional growth.

Thanks.

Dandelion12

You cant pay for this kind of support.

Ive tried

Its a total blessing

DontRemember

I had to get through the depression to stay sober. With court ordered AA, posting my truths(good/bad) on here and a bit of therapy, I finally made it, after several years of trying it 'my way';only to end up in the same if not worse position.

ScottFromWI

I find great comfort and knowledge in the SR community myself - it was a livesaver for me. We are "real life" people too - don't forget that. And we definitely won't run away ;-)

One thing that was very important for me to remember is that this is a process. And your mental health is a lot like your physical health in that it takes time to make it better. If one neglects their physical health to the point of being overweight, out of shape, etc - you don't just magically lose all the weight in a week after you quit the habits that got you there. It can take weeks, even months for things to start turning around. My main mental health issue is anxiety, and it did take literally years for me to get back to what I would consider a healthy baseline. We altered our brain chemistry for years with alcohol, it takes time to "re-wire" so to speak!

But along the way keep track of your successes - because you will have small ones every day. You've personally already had one today just in this very thread in the turnaround from your initial post to now - don't forget that you are doing the work to make those changes yourself and do give yourself credit.

PhoenixJ

Prayers and support, Dand. Keep posting. After my burns and homelessness 3y ago- I felt nothing, except despair. But with time and support it slowly gets more peaceful and even happy- at times.

DarklingSong

You touched my heart with your post. You are not alone. I have felt that way many, many times. I hope with some time the pain will subside. In the meantime care for yourself and be compassionate towards yourself. It does help. And it takes courage to post your true feelings. You deserve every credit for that.

Delilah1

Hi Dandelion,

Lots of great advice above. I found mindfulness and gratitude helpful on days I was feeling down. You are sober today, you checked in here, so you have a support. Those are two big positives.

You mentioned you were an English major, maybe journaling will help. Are you working or in school now? If not, maybe finidnf something you enjoy would help lift your spirits a little.

It really does get better with time. There will always be ups, and downs, that’s just life. However, dealing with them sober is so much better!!

You can do this. Start by being kind to you.❤️

saoutchik

Congratulations on two weeks Dandelion!

It will not always be this raw Dandelion. Time and sobriety brings a measure of perspective and anaesthetic . I will only ever look back on my drinking and the path it led me down with shame and regret but it does not dominate my headspace in the way it once did, I can view it which a little bit of detachment now. Day by day is all we can do isn't it?

You deserve to treat yourself, it's tough but you're doing well.

Dandelion12

Thank you friends for all your replies.

I keep rereading throughout the day.

My mood drops so quickly.

Thank you so much for the support.

hummingbird358

My loved one is newly sober and is having extreme depression. I read through all of these posts as a way to try to understand and let him know he is not alone. He tells me the guilt/shame and depression is unbearable. I don't know what to say to him. It is breaking my heart.