Free2bme888

I posted this in newcomers thread because I became addicted to alcohol and choose to no longer drink, and and rethinking my relationship with my partner who is an active alcohol addict.

Although I received many great posts from my inner circle of SR family, I’d like input from friends families of alcohol addicts to get your feedback.

I have been dating my ABF for about 3 1/2 years. He is a very heavy drinker.

At the beginning of our relationship for the first year it was great and also a little bit tumultuous because I found he was very controlling, and being fresh out of a divorce, my boundaries were very blurry. I had never met someone who drink so much and boy was it fun to get wasted !

He initially showered me with lots of dinners out and gifts. About a year into our relationship I broke it off and he wanted the items he bought me back. Speakers. His used extra outside furniture. A pair of earrings .

We each did a three week hiatus without each other and without alcohol. I loved myself and I journaled daily, stating to myself several times I hope I keep my boundaries with him and my alcohol intake.

codependently, getting back together was awesome! He’s a great cook and we both love food. I am 55 and he is 63, I am in very good shape and he is in good shape but has two knee replacements and cannot run like I love to . Of course most of what we liked to do together was drink together.

I have been concerned about the amount I have been drinking with his influence for the past two years and have finally broken free at the end of May from the alcohol .

Last summer we were supposed to buy a house together. He was an “disability“ for his legs which he was milking the insurance company for benefits. There was an incident where he pushed me at an amusement park last August and this was after I was in a terrible accident and had been in physical therapy for five months for my neck .

Once again, I had a lightbulb illuminate my brain and I thought “what the hell am I doing?“ I decided for sure I was not going to live with him. At least for the time being until I thought about it for a while. Unfortunately my house had already been sold and I was temporarily living with him 20 miles from where I used to live and commuting back-and-forth, and driving my children every other week back-and-forth to their schools and activities it was a nightmare . I had already signed on to buy this big house, and he was supposed to get a mortgage to but for some reason I never got any papers from him. After the incident last August, it was very awkward there and I just couldn’t wait to get out. The house that I bought is very expensive and it’s very tough for me to keep it but I can do it by myself .

Not to make this too long, but we are back together and it has been since December that we have had a pretty good relationship. He does not stop wanting to live with me. He brings it up very often, and quite frankly I don’t think I ever want to live with him, but I could date him like I do and come home to my own house most evenings .

My twins are seniors in high school, and I am entering the last chapter of my life .

I love my alone time and I am very comfortable with myself. I love nature, and hiking. I love nature the majestic Rocky Mountains in the United States and would love to travel.

Although he doesn’t think I ever had a problem ( but he thinks drinking 7 to 10 bourbon and sodas once a week and drinking beer and or wine and or hard liquor every night the rest of the week is normal ) he has been very supportive, but still drinks in front of me.

I know he has absolutely no intention of ever not drinking .

His controlling issues seem to be subdued at this time, but I’m afraid if I live with him, he will use all of my money and try to control me and I might fall back into drinking .

So here’s the long and short of it folks:

Has anyone of you here felt like the partnerships you are/were in are no longer giving you what you need?

Anyone here, like me, like time with themselves? I’m just thinking it’s so important for me to really find me for a while but I don’t want to break his heart. He has been very Good to me and has been overall good to my children . I guess some of his rotten points are sticking in my head though.

If you are still reading this lengthy post, would appreciate feedback.

Thanks SR family
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Free

SparkleKitty

If it were me, my friend, I would never do anything to jeopardize my own well-being in order to protect someone else's feelings.

You have the right to live the life you want to live, and do not owe anyone anything.

If he does not like the live you choose, how he feels about that is his problem and his responsibility.

Most relationships require compromise. From BOTH parties, not just one sacrificing everything so the other doesn't have to change.

Is it possible that you have simply outgrown this relationship?

Free2bme888

Thanks. I guess it’s my gut that it’s right, and others have posted that it’s a gift, him recently (this past weekend) telling me it’s not working for him.

He has offered to help me out many times, cleaned out my garage, helped my daughter find a good cheap car, but then throws it in my face I don’t help him out much.

I work 50+ hours/week just to make ends meet, he is on ‘disability’ and works for cash when he wants so has much more free time. I’ve asked him to help me twice in the past year, once to put water in my back up sump pump battery, and the other to replace a toilet handle.

Seems all the other offers were with his expectation of cohabitation promise.

He wants it, I’m pretty sure I don’t, and so therefore it’s not working out.

hopeful4

Get away now. This is a recipe for disaster.

I say that gently because I know it's painful. I think you know that is the truth as well.

Big hugs.

Glenjo99

I'm not giving advise as I am not an expert. However been reading "codependent no more", a book my melody beattie a lot lately. When you described "He has offered to help me out many times, cleaned out my garage, helped my daughter find a good cheap car, but then throws it in my face I don’t help him out much". That's called caretaking and/or rescuing. It's part of being codependent. First the caretaking, then the persecution (after all I've done for you), finally the victim (why does it always happen to me).

Should read that book. It's brilliant.

atalose

He is a heavy drinker. He doesn’t really respect the fact that you have quit.

He was/is/probably will again be controlling.

The most common thing you both liked doing together was drinking.

He was milking the insurance company for disability benefits. Shady! And works under the table for cash when he can.

He never did come through with papers regarding obtaining a mortgage for the home you were to share. Not very respectful or responsible to leave you financially hanging like that.

He assaulted you, you can call it push but he actually assaulted you.

You love your alone time, and already know deep down you do not want to live with him.

The only positive thing you said about him was that he is a good cook. He cleaned out your garage and helped your daughter find a good cheap car, but then throws those things in your face.

If you were my sister or best friend I would tell you to find a nice restaurant with a good chef you like, hire some neighborhood kids to help you clean out your garage, find a handyman contractor in your area and next time use Carfax to buy a car…lol

This relationship is like a car that has run out of gas, you can sit in it all you want but it’s not going anywhere except to make you unhappy. We can't stay with someone out of obligation, guilt or fear.

Free2bme888

Thanks sparkle, hopeful, Glenjo and atalose!

I really appreciate the support and input.

I got teary-eyed a couple times today, looking at my phone for him to text me.

But I’m not reaching out to him, and I’m not drinking!

How sick is that!?!

atalose

It’s not sick it’s normal, it has become part of your daily routine to receive text messages from him. But you have mastered for many months now a needed change in routine by stopping the drinking. So it’s doable to stop him and that routine as well.

Free2bme888

So true, so true.

Thanks for the confidence booster!

marie1960

So there was an incident at an amusement park, and he pushed you? Did I read that correctly?

Please, please turn and run in the opposite direction.

You state, he has zero desire to quit drinking, so unless you are willing to sign on and accept someone else unhealthy life issues, I would be lacing up my running shoes.

Also, your twin seniors are going to keep you busy, I remember what an exciting time that senior year was, and it is your last chance to make some beautiful memories together , before they officially enter adulthood. I can only imagine what my daughter’s reaction would have been if I was involved with the XA while they were still living at home...

Leelee168

Abuse is about power and control; he is an abuser. Drinking or not, he is an abuser.

When mine was being nice (chumming me in because he didn’t like to work all that much either), I put my house on the market (the first time), assumed all the risk, and got a mortgage for another house. The offer I received, which was contingent, fell through and I wasn’t sad, but he was. The next year, I sold my home in a very in-demand neighborhood and we built a new home. I’m still in it and while I can manage the costs, I do wish that I still had my old house; it was closer to work and all kinds of things to do. He became abusive after we moved into the new house together. I wish, almost every day, that I wouldn’t have ever moved in with him.

Run and don’t look back.

Michsm

RUN! If he pushed you he doesn’t respect you! Sounds like he wants you to support him so he can live his life drinking it away. He wanted items back that he bought you? He is using and abusing you and you deserve much more not only for yourself but for your children. You say you like to travel, there are many travel groups for singles you could join.

In answer to your question, yes and I left because life is too short.

trailmix

I think you already know the answer, you just don't like it all that much, as they say around here.

You know what, that's ok! I can see you are fond of him.

I'm just going to be honest here, this does not sound like a great relationship at all, for you.

The fact that he pushed you is horrendous. That you planned to buy a house together and he just kind of doesn't show up with his part of the mortgage. I guess I don't really need to outline all these things, you already know.

If nothing else, I would absolutely refuse to let him move in until your children graduate. While you were living with him I assume you were with them all or most days after school as you were driving them back and forth.

Picture this, he moves in and when they come home from school happy and full of stories about the day and preparing to go to their respective activities, who greets them! An alcoholic man that doesn't work and is probably quite drunk at that point.

How do they handle that? Go to their rooms and hide out? Is that the kind of house you want your girls to live in? That's kind of the way alcoholic households work, when the alcoholic is drinking anyone who is not required to be there heads for the hills.

It's no way for them to live. You don't want them going off to live in their own places or going off to college thinking, thank god we got out of there. Alcoholic relationships are difficult, but subjecting children to that has real repercussions, being an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) is not biological, it's situational.

He has already thrown you under the financial bus once, he will surely do it again if he feels like it (the mortgage).

Anyway, those are the reasons I see (aside from the obvious ones) that it would be a bad idea to move in with him in any hurry/at all.

Free2bme888

Trail mix, I do like it, that’s why I’m asking for validation , and I appreciate your thoughts.

I’m taking screen shots of responses and filing them in my recovery plan

Hawkeye13

You'll be getting the "friendly" let's-work-this-out call soon, if I'm not mistaken.

Be ready and be strong. You don't have to meet, discuss it, or do anything else but change the locks and delete his number.

They / we can be very convincing (I've been on both sides of this as a double-winner)

hopeful4

The best thing you can do is staying sober! Good for you!

Free2bme888

Ha! So right, and anticipating it helps.

Yesterday came the texts.

Then he asked to talk, when I inquired why he said to hear my voice. I said I didn’t want to talk about anything heavy before bed he talked about his day, I politely listened, then he ended with “ok, we’ll talk tomorrow”. Really?

So today he asked if I was working. I said “yes. Why. Do you need something?” He said he wanted that intelligent controlled emotions talk that I had asked for ( I had said that I’ll let him know when I have a day off this MONTH). I told him I have the morning of the 11th, the 17th, and 18th open .

His reply....”What!?” OMG. honey. That’s how much you think of our relationship?”

I did NOT take the bait....he can answer my question about a day for ‘talking’.

velma929

The end of a relationship is like deciding your old, frail pet has to be euthanized.

You'll miss the companionship, but the suffering will be over.

biminiblue

What the actual?

Does he completely forget HE broke up with his honey?

So ridiculous.

I wouldn't talk to him on the phone or in person. It's over...I would make sure it stayed over.

Free2bme888

Good analysis, Velma. Thanks