It's a whole new ballgame
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2
It's a whole new ballgame
Background: my adult son who is now 30 yrs old, and I have always been close, with open easy communication. I knew he drank socially and occasionally drank to the point of drunk. I kind of figured it was a normal GenX lifestyle. He shocked us (his dad and I who are married) with a drunk, desperate call, asking to go to treatment that he has come to the realization he is an alcoholic. That was almost 3 months ago,
He is doing great so far. After an inpatient 30 day rehab out of state, now Daily AA meetings, lifestyle change, all sober friends, etc.
Now: How do I trust him again? I thought we had an honest relationship but have learned of so many secrets since his revelation. So many times the "reasons" for being sick, the excuses for being unresponsive, the cancelled plans or being to busywith work to join in a family event, etc., were all covers for a binge or a hangover.
When does the fear go away that he will relapse?
When do I trust him again when he says he is sick, or working, or says he is going to a meeting or meeting with his sponsor? Three months ago, anything he told me I would have believed because there really was truth tied in there, too. But now I fear the worst and hope for the best.
Ps.
He is successful, independent, single (with a few previous long term g/f), close (so we thought) with his siblings and both of us, his parents. Otherwise, really well adjusted except, well, an addict.
He is doing great so far. After an inpatient 30 day rehab out of state, now Daily AA meetings, lifestyle change, all sober friends, etc.
Now: How do I trust him again? I thought we had an honest relationship but have learned of so many secrets since his revelation. So many times the "reasons" for being sick, the excuses for being unresponsive, the cancelled plans or being to busywith work to join in a family event, etc., were all covers for a binge or a hangover.
When does the fear go away that he will relapse?
When do I trust him again when he says he is sick, or working, or says he is going to a meeting or meeting with his sponsor? Three months ago, anything he told me I would have believed because there really was truth tied in there, too. But now I fear the worst and hope for the best.
Ps.
He is successful, independent, single (with a few previous long term g/f), close (so we thought) with his siblings and both of us, his parents. Otherwise, really well adjusted except, well, an addict.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi and welcome Imhismama 
I'm the alcoholic so I can only tell you how it worked for me. I had to earn back trust...and part of that was sticking with my recovery programme through thick and thin.
I think, when people can see a change, its makes more of an impact than me just telling everyone about how changed I am.
Some people trusted me again pretty quickly, others took a while, and some never did.
That hurt but I accept it.
I can't tell people how to feel, and I can't set people timetable for forgiving me either.
I don't think anyone's worried about me relapsing now (I have several eyars of recovery now) but yeah I got some sideways glances for a while if I was sick or tired, or overly goofy
I hope your son will show you, in time, that he's worthy of your trust again and that you have nothing to fear.
I'm really glad you've found us. Also check out our Family and Friends forums too - lots of experience there as well
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
D
I'm the alcoholic so I can only tell you how it worked for me. I had to earn back trust...and part of that was sticking with my recovery programme through thick and thin.
I think, when people can see a change, its makes more of an impact than me just telling everyone about how changed I am.
Some people trusted me again pretty quickly, others took a while, and some never did.
That hurt but I accept it.
I can't tell people how to feel, and I can't set people timetable for forgiving me either.
I don't think anyone's worried about me relapsing now (I have several eyars of recovery now) but yeah I got some sideways glances for a while if I was sick or tired, or overly goofy
I hope your son will show you, in time, that he's worthy of your trust again and that you have nothing to fear.
I'm really glad you've found us. Also check out our Family and Friends forums too - lots of experience there as well
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are here. You are so loving and impressively honest about laying out your sons situation.
Like Dee, reestablishing trust, especially with my parents (my brother and I are still in early stages of reconnecting well, and I am a little past two and a half years sober). I put my family through a lot, once they knew about my active alcoholism, and worried them before. Whether and what you and your husband knew before, accepting what your son is working to be now, which is a recovering alcoholic, can become what you trust and love.
Understanding alcoholism and IMO and IME the fact that I think is not a choice but a disease, is important for the alcoholic and the family. Lots of good support and resources for that on here, and IRL. I am a dedicated AAer and my parents spent a long time in Al Anon before I got sober.
It sounds like your son is taking this seriously and doing the right things (the action is critical) to live and stay sober. Reestablishing, or establishing, a new family dynamic has not been a linear process for us, but it is an evolving and rewarding journey for all. It sounds like your son does trust you since he has involved you in his addiction- and much to my parents happiness and relief, now I am that daughter they thought they knew and raised well, and in some ways, I am a much better version!
Best to you for taking care of yourselves, and recovering as a family.
Like Dee, reestablishing trust, especially with my parents (my brother and I are still in early stages of reconnecting well, and I am a little past two and a half years sober). I put my family through a lot, once they knew about my active alcoholism, and worried them before. Whether and what you and your husband knew before, accepting what your son is working to be now, which is a recovering alcoholic, can become what you trust and love.
Understanding alcoholism and IMO and IME the fact that I think is not a choice but a disease, is important for the alcoholic and the family. Lots of good support and resources for that on here, and IRL. I am a dedicated AAer and my parents spent a long time in Al Anon before I got sober.
It sounds like your son is taking this seriously and doing the right things (the action is critical) to live and stay sober. Reestablishing, or establishing, a new family dynamic has not been a linear process for us, but it is an evolving and rewarding journey for all. It sounds like your son does trust you since he has involved you in his addiction- and much to my parents happiness and relief, now I am that daughter they thought they knew and raised well, and in some ways, I am a much better version!
Best to you for taking care of yourselves, and recovering as a family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'd like to give your son some 'props' for actually reaching out to you and your husband, looking for help. A lot of people won't/don't do that. In that alone, i'd find a bit of solace in him being pretty open about his sobriety/struggles with you guys as well. Just my opinion.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
As others have said, your son will have to be patient to earn back your trust in him. Hopefully you can be patient and allow him to work on his recovery. I wish you both all the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 9
As someone who never asked for help, I think that he probably wants sobriety very badly because he did reach out and ask for help. He knows he has to regain your trust again and that will just take time. He's lucky to have such loving parents, if he didn't know that....he would have never reached out for help. You are a great mother!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I was the alcoholic and I had to earn back my adult daughters' trust. It took a while but after they saw I was seriously sober, they forgave me and we moved on.
I hope you'll get support for yourself from our friends and family forums, and that your son will work a strong recovery program.
I hope you'll get support for yourself from our friends and family forums, and that your son will work a strong recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
Imhismama, I dont have good advice on regaining trust and the worry you face. My perspective is as the adult daughter. I am in my 30s and I too shocked my parents when I dropped the bomb that I was at an advanced stage of alcoholism. They were starting to question some behaviors and saw me go overboard more than I should have, more than anyone else at family events. But they had no idea how bad it was.
My parents were pretty crushed about the lying. They asked me why and I thought long and hard about it. I determined it was two fold. One, I was so ashamed at how out of control I let things become. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't "be a lady" and quit at two drinks. The second was I was so angry at myself for all the bad things I had done drunk, I couldn't bear someone else discussing it with me. I was so defensive.
I applaud you and your husband for your help and understanding. It was gut wrenching to tell them, but it brought such peace not to be hiding and lying anymore. The only sad thing is I called a meeting 2 years prior to ask for help, but I just chickened out when the time came. How I wish I had, it may have saved me two years of hell. Give your son credit for asking when he did- while he still had a job, a future, had not hurt anyone, etc. Best of luck to you and your family.
My parents were pretty crushed about the lying. They asked me why and I thought long and hard about it. I determined it was two fold. One, I was so ashamed at how out of control I let things become. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't "be a lady" and quit at two drinks. The second was I was so angry at myself for all the bad things I had done drunk, I couldn't bear someone else discussing it with me. I was so defensive.
I applaud you and your husband for your help and understanding. It was gut wrenching to tell them, but it brought such peace not to be hiding and lying anymore. The only sad thing is I called a meeting 2 years prior to ask for help, but I just chickened out when the time came. How I wish I had, it may have saved me two years of hell. Give your son credit for asking when he did- while he still had a job, a future, had not hurt anyone, etc. Best of luck to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 131
If there was a lie, it was by omission. I too, am the alcoholic and in my experience being independent...juggling work, relationships, mortgage, insurance, taxes, etc is difficult enough. When I was burdened with the additional weight of being an advanced alcoholic, the very idea of stopping the train to get help was absurd. Too much pride, gall, insolence, and shame to let all the plates I had in the air fall. I hope you find trust again, but from the information you provided it seems that the manner in which you raised him, and the resulting relationship you forged allowed for him to find a path to you two. I eventually evolved into a completely non functioning alcoholic. The path he's on sounds very bright and if he continues, he will never see the ultimate other catastrophes that follow with continued use. He sounds like an amazing young man. 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
