Dandelion12

I did not begin to drink or abuse alcohol until I was an adult - about age 25 - and married.

I had issues. I had trauma from childhood.
I was a scared child in an adult body.

To get by i used alcohol to mask my fear.

Well, I cant drink anymore. I will go to a worse place. But Im still terrified and lost.

I hate leaving home. I have flashbacks. I have no family.

I cant end my life but my existence is hell.

If anyone has beem to this place I'd love to hear your story.

Today is a bad day. I dont even have anxiety medication because I know if I did theres a good chance I would just go to sleep and not wake up.

I have too much to face. And i feel like everyone I cared about has either passed away or moved on.

Im in limbo.

I cant fill the void with alcohol, so Im suffering. Im tired of suffering.

Gerard52

Life will get better, things may be tough but you arrived there from drinking over a long time.

OpioPhobe

I can relate to feeling like existence is hell, and being terrified of facing my fears. That was how I felt in the end whether I was drinking/using or not.

It just took me time to work through it. I didn't really have a choice. It was work through it or die. Some days were awful and others were pretty good.

I did have to take an active role though. Time helps, but it won't make it better by itself. I wrote down an inventory of all my fears and discussed them with a trusted person in recovery. Things settled down a lot after that, but they still pop up from time to time.

Today I don't feel like existence is hell. Some days are still bad, but it isn't even close to being as bad as it once was.

I hope you stick with it long enough to experience it for yourself.

Dandelion12

Thank you for your replies.


Just having an incredibly lonely, pathetic day.

If any part of me thought I could just drink and it would helo, I wouldnt be bothering you folks.

I know it not only wont help, but now theres a real risk it will mske things immeasurably worse.

So Im staring at the ceiling.

Thanks for listening

aasharon90

Today was kind of a slow, quiet day for me too
Dandelion. I should have kept count of how many
time I sat down, got up and went outside just to
get out of the house. Watch golf this morning, flipped
the channels and now watching a little football, N.O.
Saints, our home team, and im not a real football
watcher.

Anyway.....you are absolutely right about if you
drink, it wont make anything better. Only worse.

I had to learn that it takes time for our minds
and bodies to heal from all the yrs of drinking
and abusing them. So it's not gonna happen
quickly.

Sometimes we have to make a trip to our
physicians for a complete physical, blood work,
so we can get a good bill of health. Alcohol depletes
our bodies of different things that help us keep
ticking properly. Our doctors can pin point if
there is a problem and help fix it.

Whether it be mentally, physically, emotionally,
physcological, our physicians are there to help
us achieve a healthier, happier mind and body
to live with.

Your program of recovery will guide you to
remaining sober and your church or minister
to help spiritually.

You are one more day sober and another day
further away from your last drink. Celebrate
each day you are sober because it is an accomplishment.

We are with you on your journey.

Dandelion12

Thank you Sharon

Dee74

Hi dandelion. I think many of us can empathise - I certainly can.

The thing I found tho was that I'm stronger than I knew - for me, the fear of facing the terrible things in my past was much greater than actually facing them.

I had some counselling help too, but I think to a large extent that whole process of facing my past was made easier for me by the great support I found here - and I know we can help and support you too.

I hope tomorrow is a better day Dandelion

D

Verdantia

Hey, Dandelion. I have been in that place of utter despair. I wanted my life to end--I felt as if my existence was hell, and it was when I was drinking. Still, I had a tiny spark of hope left--you have that as well or you wouldn't be here, and you are absolutely correct that if you drink you will go to a worse place.
I needed help--a lot of it--to get sober. For me that that meant inpatient rehab, and developing a strong plan going forward. SR is a fabulous resource and a great place for help, advice and support--it is a vital part of my recovery.
I wish you all the best.

Hawkeye13

Have you tried any of the small things to do for yourself I suggested on the other thread? That can really help. I spent lots of time looking at the ceiling too replaying the pain of my childhood. Taking small actions helped me get through the day and in a more positive frame of mind.

Wishing you peace

aasharon90

Morning Dandelion.

Have you hear of ACOA? Adult Children of Alcoholics?

Many of us adults who were once little children,
precious little ones born in this world, never thought
we'd be victims of adults who were sick themselves
inflicting pain on us.

I'm not familiar with your past, except for what
you mentioned up top about trauma from your
childhood. We, many of us have had some kind
of trauma to happen to us as children that we
eventually turned to substance abuse to cope
from it.

This ACOA is a program that helps understand
what it was that we went thru, the people involved
and teach us with coping tools to help us heal so
that we can stop blaming ourselves for what adults
did to us.

Many of us who are older had parents in the 1920's,
30, 40's etc. who didn't have it easy back then. The
depression era and such. Anyway, whatever life they
were born into and treated, many of them tranfered
that to us. If that makes sense.

If they were abused and treated cruelly then they
never had treatment or skills to bring us into the world
and raise us in a healthy environment.

For example, my parents, one raised in a
disfunctional environment back in the 20's
30's and the other in a lovingly one. Then I
was born, one of 4, 1st daughter, 2 boys and
a girl. Out of those 4, I was singled out and
physically, verbally, emotionally abused by
the hand of a sick mom.

I became an adult and used alcohol and
other forms of unhealthy behavior to cope
with the memories of my childhood.

Then I had my own children and entered rehab
for alcoholism when they were kindergarten age,
me 30yrs old. With treatment, I was taught how
to cut the cycle of abuse so that it wouldn't happen
in my own family. And thank God I never harmed
my precious babies and today they are adults themselves
healthy, happy with no addictions.

Anyway, we are not the blame of what our
sick parents did to us. We didn't cause it as I've
learned right here in SR by reading others share
their own stories, and we didn't ask for the abuse.

Maybe someone else will show up and explain
a little clearly about what im trying to say.

Stay strong, stay sober by all means and
continue educating yourself so that you
can unlock those heavy chains that you have
been carrying with you for so long.

It's time to experience a freedom you have
never experienced before. Right?

Dandelion12

Shsron I needed this so much . My anxiety just dropped. Ive been struggling with panic all morning.

This is typically when I cut and run to the store to start stuffing desperately with alcohol to get some relief.

Only i never get any anymore. I feel as though Im being tortured, but i dont want to die.

I have heard of acoa, and I know thats where i belong.

Im so hurt, i just am. Just broken

Thank you for this. Thank you for knowing and understanding.

Because i dont think anyone can help me. Im so destroyed

aasharon90

Once you begin opening up and working thru
those issues then you will begin to heal. Just
knowing that there are so many similar to us
is soooo very comforting. Just knowing that many
have found that solution to lightening all that
baggage we have carried on our shoulders for
so long is absolutely comforting and that we
are not alone.

Keep your recovery program simple and easy
right now and that is to not go out and buy poison,
alcohol or anything habit forming, narcotic
that will only keep you in your addiction.

Working on staying sober is top priority. Then
you can begin to work on other issues. Learning
to not turn to what we use to do for so long
and now we know it only kept us soooo sick is
important.

If we pick up again, then we begin right where
we left off and there will be more regret. More
shame and guilt. Today, you dont have to pick
up alcohol. Today you are replacing that poison
with something healthy. Tools in recovery to
help cope with everyday people, places and things
that we use to drink over. Right?

Before you drive for poison, you have enough
time to reach out for help. You have time to say
your Serenity Prayer, post here on SR, eat
a snack, take a nap, walk your dogs. Just
ask for help till that moment passes.

Even find an AA meeting near by. Or read
something inspirational or listen to up lifting
music.

Stay positive and stay sober. You are not alone.


Also, there are all kinds of recovery programs
available to help folks achieve continuous sobriety.

When I mention AA, I share that with you
because that was the program I learned in
rehab and have used it in my own life to be
successful in my own recovery journey.

Remain openminded and willing to find
what will work for you for your own success,
okay?

Dandelion12

THANK YOU SHARON!! Thank you everyone at SR!

Youve done more for me right now than any meeting or therspist.

Im sobbing, Im so grateful right now.

The feelings suck. They absolutely suck. Grief sucks.

This is why people cant stop. People dont want to hurt anymore.

Thank you for helping me. I was so afraid.

I'll be re-reading your post throughout the day to get me through.

Love, M

Anna

Dandelion, the only thing I would like to add (because I was overwhelmed as you are) is to take it slow. You can work through things slowly, and you will know in your soul, when it's time to move on to the next level of pain and difficulty. Trust in yourself and in the process.

Dandelion12

Thank you Anna

I really want authentic healing and Im going to have to tread lightly.

Im emotiinally and physically exhausted, and I simply cant put myself through anymore

Thank you

Culture

Just to add to what others have said here, I could have written your post a year ago. I had flashbacks, nightmares to childhood trauma and I was completely broken when I joined SR. Check out the threads on children of addicted, alcoholic parents here on SR. They helped me in so many ways and will still apply to all childhood trauma not just in the case of alcoholism.
I had to deal with each issue very slowly, as each came to the surface, but if you take it gently and one step at a time the fear of facing them is worse than actually going through it. I had days where I cried so much, but then I had other days when I felt so much peace, so it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.
I promise you if you take small steps you will get there and you can find all the support and help you need here.
If you need face to face support, there are so many options out there you can use, you do not have to be alone through this.

Dandelion12

Since I read these replies and sobbed like I have never sobbed before this morning I actually feel some relief.

Thanks culture for the wisdom, experience and direction. I am going to use all the insight given to me here.

I would not be able to face this on my own. Everyone here has literally been a Godsend.

Ive had half an hour of relative peace and freedom from full blown panic attacks without alcohol or anxiety meds ( benzos- nasty nasty drug).

Its priceless.