Snufkin

I had over four weeks sober, but sadly one triggering day was enough for me to cave in. Yesterday I told myself, I’m gonna have two drinks, and that’s it - nothing else. How could I be in so much denial? I thought things are finally starting to work out. I have a lot of people to turn to in case of cravings, I go to meetings, AVRT saved my butt a few times.... yet I still made a conscious decision to drink, wanting to believe things are gonna be different, even if I can’t think of a single time I wouldn’t regret getting wasted.

Surprise surprise- two drinks turned into six that turned into ten+ that turned into feeling depressed and suicidal, and here I am again, freshly out of ER with even more cuts, more anxiety... I drink so compulsively I don’t even get a buzz out of it. I don’t know what it is I’m after.

Cool. I’m suuuuch a piece of ****. First thing I did in the morning was to dig through my trash remembering there was still something left in the bottle that I binned...

Anyway... just wanted to put my thoughts into words... Thank you all for being here.

Hopefully tomorrow’s day 1.

DarklingSong

(((Snufkin))))
These feelings will pass. Just keep trying.

Michael2018

Snufkin. I think many of us have thought 'I could just have one or two drinks'. You're not alone. Don't beat yourself up too much. Get yourself rested again.

D122y

Snuf,

I get it.

As soon as the physical and mental pain seem to fade...it is time to drink.

Really focusing on how I was feeling got me this clean.

I wasn't really feeling good, i was craving like a crack head.

I still crave, but post like yours help me remember why i quit.

When I feel like drinking....I eat or drink something else...e.g. tea.

I also work out...that motivates me to not drink because I am trying to improve my health.

Thanks.

2ndhandrose

(((Snufkin))) Take care of yourself.

NerfThis

Hi Snufkin! I'm really sorry to hear this and hope you are ok after your ER visit.

You really sound like someone who wants to quit, but like many of us, you've made the mistake of thinking things will be different this time and it will just be one or two. Sadly I don't know any one here who has succeeded with that and eventually we all fall back into heavy drinking.

Concentrate on getting yourself feeling better and remember that you are capable of kicking the alcohol completely. You've done it before.

SnazzyDresser

Onward and upward, Snufkin. Don't just hope it's day 1, make it day 1 and then make the next day too. That knack is already in your power/control, it really is.

Anna

Snufkin, maybe you could sit down and write up a plan to follow when you are triggered. It will happen again and then you would be prepared.

Jules714

We have all bargained and tried "controlled drinking" ... Probably tried controlled drinking detox at home too. That all does not work.
Get back on the horse. You can do it.
Jules

Dee74

Welcome back Snuf

I agree with Anna - this may be regrettable but if you can fashion together a good plan out of for the next time you have a bad day, or feel bad feelings, it might actually turn into an asset in the long run.

And if you can remember that there's no such thing as one or two drinks for people like us, you'll be well on you're way. You need never feel this way again.

I'm a bit out of the loop - are you still tying up loose ends in Scotland or back in Poland now?

D

Snufkin

Thank you All, really. It’s so good not to feel as alone with you guys...

Dee & Anna, I agree, I need to think of a better plan... I thought I have everything covered, but I was wrong. I don’t know why I let myself believe I can handle it ‘this time’. It was stupid and I got hurt.

Dee, today is my last day in Scotland. I’m all packed, flying to PL tomorrow... I hope it’s a new beginning...

Dee74

have a good flight Snuf

D

CaptainHaddock

Thanks for posting Snuf. Just get back on and you are right, tomorrow is a new beginning. You did well when you were in Europe just a while back, and seem to have the right support structure there. You only drank on 2 of the last 30 days+ and if you get back on now, you might skip any serious withdrawals.

Erratic

here thinking of your flight to poland hun.

Just remember it all takes time, self harm is a very hard thing to break the cycle aswell as alcohol as we use it as a comfort blanket where we think we are in control. Hugs xx

MantaLady

Have a safe journey Snufkin! I hope that being back with family and friends gives you the support you need to keep on the right track. You are such a lovely lady and deserve to be happy, keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on xx

FreedomCA

Thank you for your post. It was helpful. I can never stop at 2. Like you, I keep going and then wake up the next day feeling depressed and suicudal. As another poster stated, eating or drinking something else really helps.

kevlarsjal2

Hi Snufs! Sending you a big hug!

I hope you'll feel better soon. I was bargaining with myself a lot about the drinking. Even at half a year sober, I was still wondering if I REALLY was an alcoholic, if I could really not drink normally, that maybe I should try it again and it would work just fine. I wasted so much mental energy on that never ending debate I had with myself every day for months!
Pretty crazy if you think about it. Then I wondered what makes me bargain like that about booze. I don't eat meat by choice but I don't go around bargaining with myself if maybe one steak or a little slice of bacon here and there wouldn't hurt. I just decided I don't want to eat it, for whatever reason that is, and it's off the table.
This really made it clear to me that it wasn't me I was bargaining with but the addiction /AV.

The thing that these days doesn't even make 1 or 2 glasses look that tempting to me, that deep deep down I realised that booze will never give me what I wanted. It will never truly fill any hole, it will never truly make me feel better, it will never truly make the pain go away. It does nothing of the things I hoped it would do. I guess that is a case of surrender but I could never get much out of that word.

Anyway, I hope you arrived well and sober in Poland and that this will be a fresh start to a whole new, brighter and exciting chapter of your life! <3