emotional roller coaster

Old 11-13-2004, 06:58 PM
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emotional roller coaster

i've written you before, i have broken up with my alcoholic/drug addict bf of four years two months ago and i still feel like i'm an emotional roller coaster.
i have no contact with him and he can't have any contact with me for the last two months, i'm totally ditached from him.

although i have paractice the 12 steps, read "codependency no, more", focusing on myself all the time, going to school full time, working part time, hang out with friends and family all the time, basically doing all the things that are good for me. and yet i'm so fixated on my feelings being with him.

i find myself often missing him so much, the better him, the sober him and missing all of his good qualities and his love and affection. i've dated many men before him for a long time (non were alcoholic/drug addicts, and i'm not a user either) and i never had such a hard time moving on, but it seems like no matter how hard i try getting over him, i'm sucked into feeling what i feel without even having him around. it tempts me want to contact him and talk to him although i KNOW WITH MY EVERYTHING that i don't want to get back together with him ever. although he had so many good qualities to him that i adore, and i still do, he was never violent or upset, rather he was always loving and caring and really loved me. i feel like i'm the one who lost something big in the relationship eventhough i was the better half. i keep driving by his house one in a while and i can't see his car there, i think he moved and knowing that i might never be able to see him again just drives me insane. i mean four years is a long time and i gave him EVERYTHING, i know i am to blame too on many things, but i broke up with him mainly because i coudn't endure this life style of drinking and using all the time. he was highly functioning and had two jobs, and our relationship was very strong, although he went sober many times for long period of times, he would always relaps sooner or later.

i'm afraid of this emotinal roller coaster of emotions that i have because i don't want to be tempted into calling him or doing something stupid that will suck me back into a relationship with him. how can i feel complet with my decision and move on? i think, i'm so fixated because i feel like at the end i hurt him really hard by cutting everything cold turkey and not looking back, in some ways i feel like he didn't deserve it....and this feeling of guilt although i might have done the right thing, kills me. any advice? tips?
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Old 11-13-2004, 07:44 PM
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Redrose,

For me the only thing that made the break easier was time. I handled things very similarly with a complete cutting off of the relationship. No calls, emails, face to face and I struggled and struggled about whether I did the right thing or not. But my life is much better than it would have ever been if I stayed with him. And the only way I know this is by getting distance from him and the relationship. He wasn't going to stop drinking. He loved that more than he loved me and I deserve(d) better than that. It took me time, and many times practicing the phrase, "Because I deserve it" when I would think about the good things in my life.

There was no magic pill for me. No easy way to not see him (or think I saw him) while driving around town. But I love my life now. And I wouldn't have had the energy to devote to myself if I hadn't gotten out. It was the right thing to do. However the right thing doesn't necessarily mean the easy thing.

Be patient with yourself. Time gives distance; and distance gives you perspective; and perspective can bring you great truth.

Go easy on yourself. And practice "Because I deserve it" when you think about your life getting saner and safer and healthier.

Peace,
Petunia
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Old 11-14-2004, 09:44 AM
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petunia,

There was no magic pill for me. No easy way to not see him (or think I saw him) while driving around town. But I love my life now. And I wouldn't have had the energy to devote to myself if I hadn't gotten out. It was the right thing to do. However the right thing doesn't necessarily mean the easy thing.

thank you for saying this, you're right, thinking of my life without him-my life is now much better than it was with him. i'm more focused on all the things i love to do and i'm heading to where i want to head. and you're also right about the right thing not being the easy thing to do, i guess that's why it's so hard because after all this time of being with him (which was the easy thing to do) and knowing i'm making the wrong decision everytime i stayed, now that i'm out it's almost like how can it be? but you're right, i should give myself time, there are days that i feel really good, i just have to learn to deal with the days that i feel bad and let them slide without going crazy. thanks for your advice.

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Old 11-14-2004, 09:54 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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((((redrose)))))

It looks like I am also in the process of getting my AH out of my life. Right now he is in another city with his family....I have the option right now to pack up his stuff and ask him to leave when he gets back. I know he is not willing to go into recovery his family can't help him either. I know it would be best for me to do this and it is so hard....

Stay strong RR you are getting there. I will pray for you....
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Old 11-14-2004, 12:44 PM
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Splendra,

i know it's an easy thing to say but really hard to do, i wish there was an easier way to deal with this disease that is affecting the one we truly love beside from breaking away from them, but it seems to be the only solution if you truly care about yourself as well. pls do pray for me and i'll pray for you, be strong and put your foot down, as petunia said, you deserve better and we all deserve to have a life where we can grow old with our husbands and not worry how to survive when they are gone or passed out. whatever you decide to do, we are all here for you.

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Old 11-14-2004, 08:14 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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((((redrose))))))

Thanx I needed that!!!
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