Chung

How do I stop caring about fitting in? In mean I am 45 years old and a piece of me still yearn to be part of something. All my life I felt like an outsider (inside). Maybe it is because I was adopted at six years of age from Korea and didn't have the most nurturing mother...it was mostly materialistic rewards with her. They have a biological daughter (my sister). Even as adults, they favor her, maybe because she has her crap together and is very well off. By all outward appearances, I have it somewhat together. I always clung onto friends/ romantic partners who seemed to effortlessly fit in with everybody. When I was drinking (back in my 20's and 30's), boy did I fit in so amazingly well and made friends everywhere I went . In my 40's I drank mostly at home. I want to fit in with the other parents at my children's school...just people in general. I don't know why I still care about what people think of me even my immediate family.

Mark1014

Hi Chung, I’m glad you found SR.

I don’t have the answer to your question but can still offer encouragement. As an introvert I have gotten myself into trouble (alcohol abuse)trying to be otherwise. Now I’m learning how to be who I am without it leading to isolation altogether. As humans I think most all of us desire some form of community. So navigating that tightrope can be a challenge, at least for me.

What brings you joy? For me it’s hiking. When I’m engaged with things I value, I find it easier to make connection because I’m comfortable in my skin. Anyway, for me it’s been easier to start building a foundation of self worth from activities that speak to me.

I hope to see you around. There’s lots of encouragement and understanding here.

Chung

Thank you Mark! I do love working out (running and weight resistance training). I get in my zone and could care less what people think of me at the gym. I used to love hiking and just being outdoors as well. Funny thing is, people always perceived me as being an outgoing person, but inside unless I was drinking, I felt somewhat disconnected and awkward.

Mango212

Hi Chung,

This is an outake from filming the video for the song "Shake it off". I really like how Taylor Swift talks about not fitting in:

https://youtu.be/TEpTNFHHjNg

Mark1014

We have some things in common Chung.

I quite enjoy gym time and the positive endorphins that go along with it. Just two days ago I engaged an online trainer to help me focus on some fitness and diet goals over the next twelve weeks. It gives my mind something positive to focus on. Otherwise I admit that it’s all too easy(and maybe even a habit) for my thoughts to be less positive than I’d like.

As far as hiking goes, maybe you could start a bucket list of hikes in locations that capture your imagination. Then follow through and do it! I did that a few years ago as a reward for staying sober and it has been so much fun to plan and then do some things that my healthy lifestyle now allows. To be in magnificent outdoor settings and know that that beauty is there for me as much as anyone else has really helped build me up inside a bit. After many many years of drinking I sure needed it!

So go for it Chung. Start forming a plan today centered around something that brings you joy. Then follow through!

Chung

Thank you for the link Mango! So true..who cares If I ever fit in as long as I am being true to myself. I always tell my kids, be yourself, who cares what other people think of you...I guess I need to heed my own advice.

Anna

Hi Chung,

I know that a lot of us have used alcohol to help us to fit in. In sobriety, it's often hard to get used to dealing with situations and emotions that we aren't used to dealing with as a sober person.

Find things that you love to do and you will likely find people who share your feelings.

Chung

Thank you Anna! I guess that is the key.

AAPJ

Hi Chung,

Welcome. While I am not adopted I have been friends with a few kids who were like you adopted. I do think it's tougher for anyone who is adopted. Not much we can do about it. Life isn't fair. I hope you can just accept it.

You are welcome here. I hope you stick around.

Chung

Life is not fair (that's a fact). I keep telling myself that I need to live life on life's terms and stop the woe is me broken record inside my head. It feels good and at times quite aggravating to feel my emotions in a soberly fashion and just ride it out instead of going to the depths of self pity.

PinnacleOR

Hi Chung, I definitely can relate, I used alcohol my whole adult life to help me with the awkward feelings in social settings. And with relationships? Whoo boy, I tried so hard, so many times to be the person I thought the other wanted me to be, rather than be myself. I've gotten better at that with age and wisdom.

I'm also an avid hiker and worked out at the gym, but in my last 18 months of drinking I've been sedentary and packed on the pounds. Another blow to self image! I'm planning to be more active in recovery and hope the pounds will melt off...

Atlast9999

Hi Chung. I relate to this too. I never really fit in anywhere, was always on the fringe of whatever group I was hoping to belong too. I finally found my people through my kids.

My kids are the most important people to me. As such, I volunteer for the things they are interested in, involve them in the sports and/or activities they like, etc. I have a small group of friends that I met this way.

It wasn’t the case at first. It took a long time to develop the relationships naturally. I’m pretty sure I scared some people off at first, coming on to strong (or desperate) for a friend. But things eventually changed and I found my group.

My advice would be to focus on you and your interests and you will meet/connect with people that way.

kevlarsjal2

Hi Chung!
I never fit in either. Not even in kindergarten. I always had friends and people often thought of me as an extrovert. I'm not shy and I like talking to people and sometimes do too much of it. But I always felt weirdly disconnected from the others, especially in groups but even one on one.
I gave up a while ago with wanting to fit in. Even when I try my best to be as normal and well adjusted as possible, even when I try to dress and talk like every one else, I still seem to stick out in a way I can't even identify. People would still find me eccentric or quirky. I can't really identify with most labels people put on me but I accepted that this seems to be the way they see me and as long as they treat me nicely, I'm okay with them finding me eccentric

I guess so many people try desperately to stick out more, my mum is one of them I think. Dressing in unusual ways, talking very loudly, cause they fear they might not be seen otherwise or might be mistaken as boring or the "usual" which they despise being. And then others who just stick out naturally, always try their best to fit in...

Very recently I was diagnosed with Asperger's by my therapist which doesn't change much in terms of fitting in but it explains a lot.

DontRemember

Hi,Chung.. I'm a pretty popular guy(always have been) still,but that started to fade with my continued(escalating) drinking. Once I just 'let go' of all the social standing stuff and I got serious about my recovery I just didn't care(same as my drinking). If you're worried what others 'will think' you'll drink again(IME)..I had to take the "F'it all"(just like I had with my drinking) approach to finally achieve my sobriety..I think I'm like 19-20mo(?), I don't count days. Therapy, along with court ordered AA and regularly posting here, got me started on really focusing on MY health/happiness. I was always a "yes man" when active. It is a challenge(big one),but gets easier once you just 'let go and don't drink no matter what.'

"let go and let god" as they say in AA..I'm not religous,so that kept me away from AA for too long and cost me a lot! I don't go anymore,but it did help turn my life around having some F2F interaction.

In short: Focus as much on your recovery as you do/did your drinking and your life will be better in all facets. How could it be worse.right?

Chung

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies. I sure feel like I fit in here. I have to try to make an effort to speak to people first as well. I used alcohol as a social lubricant, but now I have to learn how to socialize and just be me and not worry about what people think of me.

Fearlessat50

Hi Chung, I never felt like I fit in either. I was not adopted but I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I used alcohol as a way to fit in with my peers because I needed to distance myself from my family. I never felt like I had any validation from my parents, so I was always insecure and sought validation from “the cool kids”. I did have so many friends and alcohol always made me the life of the party. When I was older, my drinking got worse and I drank for different reasons. Parenting, as I’m sure you know, is hard work and there’s a lot of judgmental people out there. I have a son with mental health issues and that just made others who didn’t u derstamd more judgmental. That made me feel even more like I did t fit in, and I drank more to escape all these feelings. It just made me more depressed and isolated. It was a horrible time for me. I am in my early 50’s now, and I finally feel that I don’t care what others think. I accept who I am. I am being the best parent I know how to be and a big part of my growth has been my sobriety. It has taken a long time and I’ve had a lot of therapy. If you haven’t had therapy, it may really help you find yourself and accept yourself. I have a smaller circle of friends now, but I know who my real friends are. I don’t do social media anymore because it pulled me into this whole comparison game. I actually enjoy more solitary time now without feeling lonely. As others have said, find what you love to do and go for it. After I stopped drinking, I discovered I love cooking and baking, hiking, painting. And spending more quality time with my son. SR has helped me a lot too

DontRemember

Seriously,man..post here before you drink. I was told that when I first came here and didn't listen..I paid for that.. I swear to you, life is way more managable sober.

Buckley3

I think it's natural for us to want to feel connected. For me, it's about quality now over quantity. And it's about finding connectedness with those who respect and contribute to the authentic me. So I also have more to do to learn who I really am... though I have to say 7 months of sobriety and I feel I've made a lot of progress on that front - even if there's a lifetime of growth yet in front of me.


So I am learning to cherish some good healthy alone time as well.

Mango212

Hi Chung,

How are you doing today?