Angry
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Angry
I haven't really told a ton of my story here yet. I gave a (relatively) brief introduction in the Newcomers area.
But I need to vent a bit tonight.
I know part of NarAnon's purpose is to teach to let go, and one of the things to let go of is anger.
But I haven't yet. And tonight....I'm angry. And I feel hurt.
I'm angry because she's made me feel like my love was never good enough, that she couldn't accept it for what it was, but was willing to take advantage of it when she saw it could benefit her.
I'm angry because she gave up on focusing on our relationship in order to pursue relationships with people I believe are less than what she deserves. Criminals. Drug addicts.
I'm angry because those pursuits have led her back to meth.
I'm angry because I don't know when this relapse actually began. I'm angry because no matter how much I love her and want her to get better, she won't get honest with me.
I'm even angrier because she won't get honest with herself.
I'm angry because she is hurting her family. Her parents. Her sister. People I have come to love and care about. I'm angry because I feel she makes me choose between my loyalty to her and my loyalty to them, even though she knows that by being loyal to her I would be forced to perpetuate lies, deceit, and a spirit of enabling.
I'm angry because even if she has not hurt her children yet this time around that I know of, I have been down this road before and I know it is coming if she doesn't change course. I'm angry on their behalf in a way because I don't want them getting hurt again.
I'm angry at her for her ex-husband, because I finally understand, on some level, what it must have been like for him to be in this situation.
I'm angry because she put me in a position to mourn her while she's still living, because she put me in a position to feel like I need meetings and support, and no offense to any of you, but if I had my choice, I wouldn't be here because if I had my choice, she'd be healthy, we'd still be happy, and she wouldn't have put herself in these situations again.
I'm angry because she took that choice away from me. I'm angry because I have different choices now. I'm even angry because I'm meeting new, wonderful, supportive people....because I wouldn't have found a reason to be in a position to meet them....if she hadn't done these things that have made me angry.
I know I need to find a way to let this go. But I'm not there yet. I'm not done being angry yet.
Thank you for letting me vent that. I welcome your responses.
-Eric
But I need to vent a bit tonight.
I know part of NarAnon's purpose is to teach to let go, and one of the things to let go of is anger.
But I haven't yet. And tonight....I'm angry. And I feel hurt.
I'm angry because she's made me feel like my love was never good enough, that she couldn't accept it for what it was, but was willing to take advantage of it when she saw it could benefit her.
I'm angry because she gave up on focusing on our relationship in order to pursue relationships with people I believe are less than what she deserves. Criminals. Drug addicts.
I'm angry because those pursuits have led her back to meth.
I'm angry because I don't know when this relapse actually began. I'm angry because no matter how much I love her and want her to get better, she won't get honest with me.
I'm even angrier because she won't get honest with herself.
I'm angry because she is hurting her family. Her parents. Her sister. People I have come to love and care about. I'm angry because I feel she makes me choose between my loyalty to her and my loyalty to them, even though she knows that by being loyal to her I would be forced to perpetuate lies, deceit, and a spirit of enabling.
I'm angry because even if she has not hurt her children yet this time around that I know of, I have been down this road before and I know it is coming if she doesn't change course. I'm angry on their behalf in a way because I don't want them getting hurt again.
I'm angry at her for her ex-husband, because I finally understand, on some level, what it must have been like for him to be in this situation.
I'm angry because she put me in a position to mourn her while she's still living, because she put me in a position to feel like I need meetings and support, and no offense to any of you, but if I had my choice, I wouldn't be here because if I had my choice, she'd be healthy, we'd still be happy, and she wouldn't have put herself in these situations again.
I'm angry because she took that choice away from me. I'm angry because I have different choices now. I'm even angry because I'm meeting new, wonderful, supportive people....because I wouldn't have found a reason to be in a position to meet them....if she hadn't done these things that have made me angry.
I know I need to find a way to let this go. But I'm not there yet. I'm not done being angry yet.
Thank you for letting me vent that. I welcome your responses.
-Eric
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Just as a side note....where I say that she's made me do something or she's put me in the position to do something, I acknowledge that this is because I gave her that power over me and that it was a choice I made that allowed it to happen.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
ebecker1982, people say that healing has its own timeline. I can honestly say that I think it will be years before I am NOT angry. I am angry because I had tried to escape from an abusive situation for years, but felt that I could not because it would be "cruel" to leave someone so intent on hurting themselves. I had not thought that being safe from harm myself was a legitimate reason to leave.
I know that I have some unpopular opinions sometimes... well, it depends on who's online. I feel that a lot of people identify as codependent, but anyone tied to a crazy wagon is going to exhibit some codependent behaviors. So while I think that Alanon is great for support, I also think that the route to healing need not be prescriptive. I got more from domestic violence and assault crisis support than Naranon... although in the Naranon meetings, it was common for the people attending to have stories about being abused and assaulted. Still... you can't blame the drug for all of it. At some point, I think, people (the addicts) know what they are doing. They choose to do their DOC. But they also choose to behave the way they do. I can spend all day analyzing the addict's brain, how they only function with their brain stems, how they have regressed to a state of childishness, how they are dependent on their DOC for chemical reasons... etc... but that puts me in their pockets. I can only think that how their behavior affects me and frankly that is ALL I want to think about. For me, going no contact is really about kicking my addict out of my brain.
Back to the topic: I think that being angry is a legitimate and normal response to everything that has happened to you. I think it would be odd not to be angry.
That said... there are healthy ways to deal with anger. Like exercise. Or channeling that energy into something productive -- art or writing or... whatever you like to do. What happens if you stop being angry is that you take that energy and invert it and it becomes depression, which is worse. Both states are part of the flight or fight response -- they are functions of your nervous system. [I am not sure if anything I am writing makes sense, I'm pretty tried. I get tired easily these days.] So either you fight (and feel angry), run (and feel angry), or you do neither and the fear (from the trauma) takes over your body and you shut down like a deer frozen in headlights (this is like depression).
I'll tell you something my therapist said to me today: there are a couple things that help you heal. 1) Time heals... over time you will heal. 2) Immersing yourself in something you enjoy that is rewarding is healing. 3) Exercise is healing, so is sleeping and eating well. 4) You have to go easy on yourself... if you keep expecting it to happen, it won't happen.
You are not ready to let things go. So don't. Be angry (just don't hurt anyone). Why shouldn't you be angry? I think if you force yourself to "forgive" and "let go" before you are ready, you do it insincerely, and that is worse than never forgiving anyone... because then you are lying to yourself. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. So if you are not ready, you are not ready. A watched pot never boils.
I know that I have some unpopular opinions sometimes... well, it depends on who's online. I feel that a lot of people identify as codependent, but anyone tied to a crazy wagon is going to exhibit some codependent behaviors. So while I think that Alanon is great for support, I also think that the route to healing need not be prescriptive. I got more from domestic violence and assault crisis support than Naranon... although in the Naranon meetings, it was common for the people attending to have stories about being abused and assaulted. Still... you can't blame the drug for all of it. At some point, I think, people (the addicts) know what they are doing. They choose to do their DOC. But they also choose to behave the way they do. I can spend all day analyzing the addict's brain, how they only function with their brain stems, how they have regressed to a state of childishness, how they are dependent on their DOC for chemical reasons... etc... but that puts me in their pockets. I can only think that how their behavior affects me and frankly that is ALL I want to think about. For me, going no contact is really about kicking my addict out of my brain.
Back to the topic: I think that being angry is a legitimate and normal response to everything that has happened to you. I think it would be odd not to be angry.
That said... there are healthy ways to deal with anger. Like exercise. Or channeling that energy into something productive -- art or writing or... whatever you like to do. What happens if you stop being angry is that you take that energy and invert it and it becomes depression, which is worse. Both states are part of the flight or fight response -- they are functions of your nervous system. [I am not sure if anything I am writing makes sense, I'm pretty tried. I get tired easily these days.] So either you fight (and feel angry), run (and feel angry), or you do neither and the fear (from the trauma) takes over your body and you shut down like a deer frozen in headlights (this is like depression).
I'll tell you something my therapist said to me today: there are a couple things that help you heal. 1) Time heals... over time you will heal. 2) Immersing yourself in something you enjoy that is rewarding is healing. 3) Exercise is healing, so is sleeping and eating well. 4) You have to go easy on yourself... if you keep expecting it to happen, it won't happen.
You are not ready to let things go. So don't. Be angry (just don't hurt anyone). Why shouldn't you be angry? I think if you force yourself to "forgive" and "let go" before you are ready, you do it insincerely, and that is worse than never forgiving anyone... because then you are lying to yourself. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. So if you are not ready, you are not ready. A watched pot never boils.
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Originally Posted by ebecker1982 
...I acknowledge that this is because I gave her that power over me and that it was a choice I made that allowed it to happen.
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Posts: 5,103
Just as a side note....where I say that she's made me do something or she's put me in the position to do something, I acknowledge that this is because I gave her that power over me and that it was a choice I made that allowed it to happen.
It’s pretty easy to see all of the destruction addiction does to the addict. It is not always that easy to see the self-destruction the loved ones of addicts have done to themselves all in the name of love.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
And you continue to give her the power to control your emotions.
But I need to hear them.
Thank you.
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Posts: 471
I read a book called "the language of emotions" and it said that anger is a legitimate emotion that tells you there has been a violation.
The suggestion in the book is that when you find yourself angry, figure out what the violation is (sounds like you have) and then use that energy to strengthen your boundaries.
This idea has helped me a lot. I have found that I have stuffed my anger for years. And, while I don't want to "act it out" or use it to punish anyone, I DO use it to figure out where I need to draw the line.
Hoping your anger helps you create a safe and happy place for yourself.
Prayers,
The suggestion in the book is that when you find yourself angry, figure out what the violation is (sounds like you have) and then use that energy to strengthen your boundaries.
This idea has helped me a lot. I have found that I have stuffed my anger for years. And, while I don't want to "act it out" or use it to punish anyone, I DO use it to figure out where I need to draw the line.
Hoping your anger helps you create a safe and happy place for yourself.
Prayers,
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Troubledone
I read a book called "the language of emotions" and it said that anger is a legitimate emotion that tells you there has been a violation.
The suggestion in the book is that when you find yourself angry, figure out what the violation is (sounds like you have) and then use that energy to strengthen your boundaries.
This idea has helped me a lot. I have found that I have stuffed my anger for years. And, while I don't want to "act it out" or use it to punish anyone, I DO use it to figure out where I need to draw the line.
Hoping your anger helps you create a safe and happy place for yourself.
Prayers,
The suggestion in the book is that when you find yourself angry, figure out what the violation is (sounds like you have) and then use that energy to strengthen your boundaries.
This idea has helped me a lot. I have found that I have stuffed my anger for years. And, while I don't want to "act it out" or use it to punish anyone, I DO use it to figure out where I need to draw the line.
Hoping your anger helps you create a safe and happy place for yourself.
Prayers,
You know, I don't know how to process my anger in a healthy fashion around her right now. Our last face-to-face was....and this is weird to say...I think it was fully necessary. Because I think I needed to step up and assert myself and hold firm on a boundary. But it wasn't "detaching with love." I worry in a sense that doing what I did hurt her.
At the same time, I can't continue to live the way I was.
I haven't spoken to her in a week and a half. I don't know how she's feeling and I'm not letting it worry me. She has her sister and parents to deal with her "feelings" so she's not for a lack of healthy influences. Of course, she has the "unhealthy" influences around her too. I know one of them got arrested yesterday. Bailed out within several hours. And I think to myself "someone out there is enabling that person, too."
That's the part that never ceases to amaze me. Addicts seem to find other addicts. It's part of a feel-good temporary support group. And they excuse it with "oh this person isn't so bad." And I'm sure, in many cases, the addict friends that they make, are not really bad people at their core. I've known a lot of addicts. I have other friends who are addicts, mostly either in recovery or at least not in "active recovery" and they are great people who take care of their business and raise their families and go to work every day and at some point they were a lot like her, one friend in particular who's been telling me "I get it Eric, I was her 10 years ago" and sharing her story and insights. Every time I tell her "she does this and she makes no sense when she does this" my friend laughs and says "it makes sense when you're high, though. Then ten years later you look back at it and think you were f---ing crazy, but at the time it makes complete and total sense because that's where your addict brain is."
That's my cycle right now that I am trying to break...it's not that I never want to speak to her again or never see her again...but it has now been a week and a half. I can't "detach with love" right now. The closest I can come is "detach without envoking any more of my wrath upon her." Which I guess is a step because where I was at before was "stay silent and just take it."
Life's suddenly so different...
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 5
Oh I am sure most of us reading this understand every emotion you are feeling. We've all been there. It is what happens in addiction sadly. But as you probably already know, emotions change pretty much daily as we go through all the different stages of grief of losing our loved ones and our lives to addiction. I'm sorry for what you are going though. I know how awful it is. 
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This was beautifully said ebecker. Thank you. I rant at EVERY opportunity. Need to cut down at some point. 
Originally Posted by ebecker1982
Thanks for the thought.
You know, I don't know how to process my anger in a healthy fashion around her right now. Our last face-to-face was....and this is weird to say...I think it was fully necessary. Because I think I needed to step up and assert myself and hold firm on a boundary. But it wasn't "detaching with love." I worry in a sense that doing what I did hurt her.
At the same time, I can't continue to live the way I was.
I haven't spoken to her in a week and a half. I don't know how she's feeling and I'm not letting it worry me. She has her sister and parents to deal with her "feelings" so she's not for a lack of healthy influences. Of course, she has the "unhealthy" influences around her too. I know one of them got arrested yesterday. Bailed out within several hours. And I think to myself "someone out there is enabling that person, too."
That's the part that never ceases to amaze me. Addicts seem to find other addicts. It's part of a feel-good temporary support group. And they excuse it with "oh this person isn't so bad." And I'm sure, in many cases, the addict friends that they make, are not really bad people at their core. I've known a lot of addicts. I have other friends who are addicts, mostly either in recovery or at least not in "active recovery" and they are great people who take care of their business and raise their families and go to work every day and at some point they were a lot like her, one friend in particular who's been telling me "I get it Eric, I was her 10 years ago" and sharing her story and insights. Every time I tell her "she does this and she makes no sense when she does this" my friend laughs and says "it makes sense when you're high, though. Then ten years later you look back at it and think you were f---ing crazy, but at the time it makes complete and total sense because that's where your addict brain is."
That's my cycle right now that I am trying to break...it's not that I never want to speak to her again or never see her again...but it has now been a week and a half. I can't "detach with love" right now. The closest I can come is "detach without envoking any more of my wrath upon her." Which I guess is a step because where I was at before was "stay silent and just take it."
Life's suddenly so different...
You know, I don't know how to process my anger in a healthy fashion around her right now. Our last face-to-face was....and this is weird to say...I think it was fully necessary. Because I think I needed to step up and assert myself and hold firm on a boundary. But it wasn't "detaching with love." I worry in a sense that doing what I did hurt her.
At the same time, I can't continue to live the way I was.
I haven't spoken to her in a week and a half. I don't know how she's feeling and I'm not letting it worry me. She has her sister and parents to deal with her "feelings" so she's not for a lack of healthy influences. Of course, she has the "unhealthy" influences around her too. I know one of them got arrested yesterday. Bailed out within several hours. And I think to myself "someone out there is enabling that person, too."
That's the part that never ceases to amaze me. Addicts seem to find other addicts. It's part of a feel-good temporary support group. And they excuse it with "oh this person isn't so bad." And I'm sure, in many cases, the addict friends that they make, are not really bad people at their core. I've known a lot of addicts. I have other friends who are addicts, mostly either in recovery or at least not in "active recovery" and they are great people who take care of their business and raise their families and go to work every day and at some point they were a lot like her, one friend in particular who's been telling me "I get it Eric, I was her 10 years ago" and sharing her story and insights. Every time I tell her "she does this and she makes no sense when she does this" my friend laughs and says "it makes sense when you're high, though. Then ten years later you look back at it and think you were f---ing crazy, but at the time it makes complete and total sense because that's where your addict brain is."
That's my cycle right now that I am trying to break...it's not that I never want to speak to her again or never see her again...but it has now been a week and a half. I can't "detach with love" right now. The closest I can come is "detach without envoking any more of my wrath upon her." Which I guess is a step because where I was at before was "stay silent and just take it."
Life's suddenly so different...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by ebecker1982
The closest I can come is "detach without envoking any more of my wrath upon her." Which I guess is a step because where I was at before was "stay silent and just take it."
There is no rule that you have to detach with love. You can also detach in anger, perhaps even indifference.
Detaching with love is an ideal I think.
As for the wrath and being clear about boundaries, if you are talking about yelling and screaming those boundaries, that's all about you and nothing about her. I take it she doesn't have any type of hearing problem so yelling is just you venting, not trying to get your point across.
She will know you are serious about your boundaries by showing that in action, not by your words, just like you will know she is (or isn't) in recovery that way.
Actions, not words.
Hang in there!
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