My voice has changed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 154
My voice has changed
So I thought I had this under control, my drink was only ever beer and to be honest I never liked the taste of it. But after the cringe of drinking the first one the rest got easier to tolerate,
Then I stopped, went months without it at all, but now and back then I still struggled with what is the point of life. But I still stopped completely, except for every few weeks a couple of beers to see if I could control it and I did.
I have never touched spirits in any shape or form, just the smell of them make me feel physically sick, but recently (the last 6 nights) I have started to drink gin mixed with martini.
The first gulp has me reaching, then I take a second gulp and I cringe, the third I can tolerate and then I go numb and it becomes easier.
Whiskey I could never touch, but I just have (right now) and that has made me reach again.
My voice says just stick with it, and I will get more in a minute.
This is where it all gets really difficult, because I can't see a point of living, I DO want to be dead, time makes no sense to me and yes I am speaking from a mind that is pretty intoxicated.
BUT tomorrow when I wake up and go to work, I still don't want to be alive, because I just can't see the point of life!
Go to AA, see a doctor, see a shrink, prayers to God, live for your family etc etc etc , I have and done it all, but nothing gets over the wanting to drop dead bit. I can not see a point of living, not one.
Not even sure why I am typing this, probably something to do with the gin, martini and now whiskey. Though I know I just want someone to tell me what the point is, but that is impossible.
I just wish I would die, cuz this is/has become really really tiring!
No-one will get this, I wouldn't even bother answering.
Who the f**k am I even talking to, just typing a load of words to myself , like I'm inside my mind trying to find an answer that isn't going to come, ever
Then I stopped, went months without it at all, but now and back then I still struggled with what is the point of life. But I still stopped completely, except for every few weeks a couple of beers to see if I could control it and I did.
I have never touched spirits in any shape or form, just the smell of them make me feel physically sick, but recently (the last 6 nights) I have started to drink gin mixed with martini.
The first gulp has me reaching, then I take a second gulp and I cringe, the third I can tolerate and then I go numb and it becomes easier.
Whiskey I could never touch, but I just have (right now) and that has made me reach again.
My voice says just stick with it, and I will get more in a minute.
This is where it all gets really difficult, because I can't see a point of living, I DO want to be dead, time makes no sense to me and yes I am speaking from a mind that is pretty intoxicated.
BUT tomorrow when I wake up and go to work, I still don't want to be alive, because I just can't see the point of life!
Go to AA, see a doctor, see a shrink, prayers to God, live for your family etc etc etc , I have and done it all, but nothing gets over the wanting to drop dead bit. I can not see a point of living, not one.
Not even sure why I am typing this, probably something to do with the gin, martini and now whiskey. Though I know I just want someone to tell me what the point is, but that is impossible.
I just wish I would die, cuz this is/has become really really tiring!
No-one will get this, I wouldn't even bother answering.
Who the f**k am I even talking to, just typing a load of words to myself , like I'm inside my mind trying to find an answer that isn't going to come, ever
I always felt hopeless and helpless when I was drinking. 
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I'm sorry you're feeling so down and lost at this time. Alcohol will only make your depression worse. Have you talked to your doctor about your depression? There is help available:
Suicide.org: Suicide Prevention, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Support - Suicide.org! Suicide.org! Suicide.org!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide.org: Suicide Prevention, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Support - Suicide.org! Suicide.org! Suicide.org!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 154
I have over the years tried every help available, but it goes way deeper than all the help possible because nobody could ever tell me what the point was.
Not AA, not the doctor, not the shrinks, NOBODY. NOBODY has the answer.
What is the point of being born when you are going to die anyway. What is the point of even living, what is the point of anything. Their is no point, NOTHING.
Their is no point to anything.
Everyone gets by with believing something, whether that's God, family, love, work, relationship, material things....
I can not find a point!
NOTHING. Their is NOTHING.
Not AA, not the doctor, not the shrinks, NOBODY. NOBODY has the answer.
What is the point of being born when you are going to die anyway. What is the point of even living, what is the point of anything. Their is no point, NOTHING.
Their is no point to anything.
Everyone gets by with believing something, whether that's God, family, love, work, relationship, material things....
I can not find a point!
NOTHING. Their is NOTHING.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I think a lot of us genuinely felt life was pointless and we had a desire to die, or probably more accurately, not be part of life anymore.
I can't stress strongly enough how much regular hard drinking contributes to that morbid point of view.
I hope you'll look at Annas link, or maybe this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I want to suggest, gently, that perhaps you haven't tried it all - not if you're still suffering and your only answer to that suffering is still booze.
I had to tackle my alcoholism and my depression together - I had to lay off the booze and see Dr and a counsellor.
I'd done all those things before but never together - together with daily use of SR, I changed the default outcome and stayed sober
The answer is not at the bottom of a bottle IAP - as you're seeing now, addiction progresses - drinking increases and it just makes things worse..
D
I can't stress strongly enough how much regular hard drinking contributes to that morbid point of view.
I hope you'll look at Annas link, or maybe this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I want to suggest, gently, that perhaps you haven't tried it all - not if you're still suffering and your only answer to that suffering is still booze.
I had to tackle my alcoholism and my depression together - I had to lay off the booze and see Dr and a counsellor.
I'd done all those things before but never together - together with daily use of SR, I changed the default outcome and stayed sober
The answer is not at the bottom of a bottle IAP - as you're seeing now, addiction progresses - drinking increases and it just makes things worse..
D
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 154
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think a lot of us genuinely felt life was pointless and we had a desire to die, or probably more accurately, not be part of life anymore.
I can't stress strongly enough how much regular hard drinking contributes to that morbid point of view.
I hope you'll look at Annas link, or maybe this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I want to suggest, gently, that perhaps you haven't tried it all - not if you're still suffering and your only answer to that suffering is still booze.
I had to tackle my alcoholism and my depression together - I had to lay off the booze and see Dr and a counsellor.
I'd done all those things before but never together - together with daily use of SR, I changed the default outcome and stayed sober
The answer is not at the bottom of a bottle IAP - as you're seeing now, addiction progresses - drinking increases and it just makes things worse..
D
I can't stress strongly enough how much regular hard drinking contributes to that morbid point of view.
I hope you'll look at Annas link, or maybe this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I want to suggest, gently, that perhaps you haven't tried it all - not if you're still suffering and your only answer to that suffering is still booze.
I had to tackle my alcoholism and my depression together - I had to lay off the booze and see Dr and a counsellor.
I'd done all those things before but never together - together with daily use of SR, I changed the default outcome and stayed sober
The answer is not at the bottom of a bottle IAP - as you're seeing now, addiction progresses - drinking increases and it just makes things worse..
D
This morning I plastered a wall, I am a builder. (construction worker) Yesterday I fitted some upvc windows and doors, the day before that I installed some radiators on a central heating system.
All without any drink, yet still this same stuff still goes through my head but the difference is I say nothing.
Then today before I even thought about drinking I am looking at Beachy Head , just jump off it and be done with all this.
My drinking problem is because I can not find the point, even months sober this goes around my head every second of every day.
I just can not find a point, tomorrow when I am installing a bathroom for somebody this will still be going around my head!
Yes I have massive issues, the massive issue of not wanting to be alive.
Because sober or not sober I can not find the point!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I probably didn't make it plain in my post InAPickle but I felt those feelings for a while after I stopped drinking.
I'd drank so much for so long that that dark worldview and self image stayed with me a month or three.
But not drinking was only a part, not the whole of the solution for me.
I had some mental health issues as well - being sober for a run of months fixed some of those things, sure, but not all of them.
Its not normal to be contemplating jumping off a cliff.
I used to look at the future and think 30 more years of this? No way.
If I'd done away with myself in my 20s I'd have missed a lot of wonderful things that happened to me later on in my life.
If I'd acted on how I felt in that period, thinking nothing would ever change for the better, I'd have been wrong.
I'm glad that for whatever reason my suicide attempts failed.
Eventually, my life changed and I changed too.
Give sobriety - consistent continued sobriety - a go - try a dr or a counsellor again.
Even consider things like AA or SMART
This is your life - you only get one - fight for it. You're worth the effort.
.
Don't believe the lies addiction whispers...
Your life is not over - its waiting for you to begin, man
D
I'd drank so much for so long that that dark worldview and self image stayed with me a month or three.
But not drinking was only a part, not the whole of the solution for me.
I had some mental health issues as well - being sober for a run of months fixed some of those things, sure, but not all of them.
Its not normal to be contemplating jumping off a cliff.
I used to look at the future and think 30 more years of this? No way.
If I'd done away with myself in my 20s I'd have missed a lot of wonderful things that happened to me later on in my life.
If I'd acted on how I felt in that period, thinking nothing would ever change for the better, I'd have been wrong.
I'm glad that for whatever reason my suicide attempts failed.
Eventually, my life changed and I changed too.
Give sobriety - consistent continued sobriety - a go - try a dr or a counsellor again.
Even consider things like AA or SMART
This is your life - you only get one - fight for it. You're worth the effort.
. Don't believe the lies addiction whispers...
Your life is not over - its waiting for you to begin, man
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I enjoy doing things that make me happy(family and friends,cars,motorcycles,working,ect..) Since I've quit drinking, there were a lot more 'doors' open on just what I feel like doing and can now do sober without any worry of trouble. I don't know why anyone is living,but I'm gonna ride the hell outta this life while I can.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Our Astro has this as his signature. I like it.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---*WOW-What a ride*!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 617
I'm sorry you are struggling.
It didn't happen overnight for me, but after stopping drinking for quite a long time, and through treating my depression and taking baby steps in the right direction my outlook on life, sense of purpose, and perspective on the meaning of life has completely changed.
It took a lot of time. But its been so good.
And I have found true happiness that I have never felt before.
Like night and day.
Its small steps but things can and do get better.
I think we are all here for a purpose, its hard to see that when we are depressed and when we are drinking but your important and life seems menial right now, but you'll get your light back and find something that fulfills you again.
It didn't happen overnight for me, but after stopping drinking for quite a long time, and through treating my depression and taking baby steps in the right direction my outlook on life, sense of purpose, and perspective on the meaning of life has completely changed.
It took a lot of time. But its been so good.
And I have found true happiness that I have never felt before.
Like night and day.
Its small steps but things can and do get better.
I think we are all here for a purpose, its hard to see that when we are depressed and when we are drinking but your important and life seems menial right now, but you'll get your light back and find something that fulfills you again.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
Inapickle, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t agree more with what Dee and others here have said. When I was habitually heavy drinking, I didn’t see a point either. I saw darkness. I wanted to die. I had hoped the alcohol would just kill me so maybe it would look like an accident. I couldn’t commit suicide. I had two siblings who did that. You will not be able to see light in the world and find meaning until you are consistently sober and not just from alcohol, but from emotional patterns and ways of being that contributed to addiction. I saw a few therapists at first who were not helpful. I did not take it personally. They were not the right fit. I ended up with a therapist who hi,self was a 30year recovered alcoholic. He understood. I read Viktor Frankls Mans Search for Meaning and it changed my life. I highly recommend it. Who knows how or why we came to be on this Earth. But We all have a purpose and it is simply to love and help each other collectively in whatever way we can, make the world a better place as a result of being here. It sounds corny but in my sobriety I understand it now, and practice it every day. If a Holocost survivor can experience such evil first hand, yet find meaning in life, then we can too!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am in a similar state of mind. I don't see a point to life. However, I am aware of how alcohol changes my perception of things. When I am drinking, everything is great. Not a care in the world. The world is my oyster. The next morning, I want to jump off a bridge. So I need more booze to get away from the despair. I will do this for weeks at a time. I don't want to stop because of the 4-5 days of withdrawals/insomnia it takes to normalize. Then I have to try to piece together what I said or did during my bender. What lies did I tell? Who did I talk to?
I am currently detoxing now from a 3 or 4 week bender. Apparently, I told my father I got a great new job. I vaguely remember doing that. Now I have to stall since there is no job. I am a compulsive liar when I drink so I hate sobering up to deal with all the cringe-inducing garbage I spew.
If you can go a week sober, your outlook on life will improve. Then think if you really want to be dead.
I am currently detoxing now from a 3 or 4 week bender. Apparently, I told my father I got a great new job. I vaguely remember doing that. Now I have to stall since there is no job. I am a compulsive liar when I drink so I hate sobering up to deal with all the cringe-inducing garbage I spew.
If you can go a week sober, your outlook on life will improve. Then think if you really want to be dead.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I imagine this is in great part due to the alcohol. Sober up and things start to look brighter, even if only marginally so at the start.
Below I am pasting a post I made the other day on another thread. I read your "what is the point of life?" phrases and thought that this might be of interest to you too. If you enjoy reading I highly recommend this book. But I highly recommend getting sober more than anything.
Having read your words that way I immediately thought of the wonderful, wonderful psychologist and author Irvin D. Yalom. He is a specialist in existential psychotherapy.
Here is a short paragraph from one of my all-time favorite books (by anyone) "Love's Executioner"
"I have found that four givens are particularly relevant to psychotherapy: the inevitability of death for each of us and for those we love; the freedom to make our lives as we will; our ultimate aloneness; and, finally, the absence of any obvious meaning or sense to life. However grim these givens may seem, they contain the seeds of wisdom and redemption. I hope to demonstrate, in these ten tales of psychotherapy, that it is possible t confront the truths of existence and harness their power in the service of personal change and growth"
I gained an immense amount from reading this book, although for reasons unrelated to fear of death, and would highly recommend it to absolutely anyone. I think that anyone could gain something from reading it, but your comments made me think it would be particularly of interest- and hope and help- to you.
Below I am pasting a post I made the other day on another thread. I read your "what is the point of life?" phrases and thought that this might be of interest to you too. If you enjoy reading I highly recommend this book. But I highly recommend getting sober more than anything.
Having read your words that way I immediately thought of the wonderful, wonderful psychologist and author Irvin D. Yalom. He is a specialist in existential psychotherapy.
Here is a short paragraph from one of my all-time favorite books (by anyone) "Love's Executioner"
"I have found that four givens are particularly relevant to psychotherapy: the inevitability of death for each of us and for those we love; the freedom to make our lives as we will; our ultimate aloneness; and, finally, the absence of any obvious meaning or sense to life. However grim these givens may seem, they contain the seeds of wisdom and redemption. I hope to demonstrate, in these ten tales of psychotherapy, that it is possible t confront the truths of existence and harness their power in the service of personal change and growth"
I gained an immense amount from reading this book, although for reasons unrelated to fear of death, and would highly recommend it to absolutely anyone. I think that anyone could gain something from reading it, but your comments made me think it would be particularly of interest- and hope and help- to you.
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