Glenjo99

Was at an Al Anon meeting tonight. One of the speakers mentioned that when people do the amends part of recovery, they make 3 columns, one for ones they definitely will make amends to, one for maybe and another they definitely will not!

Instantly my low self esteem triggered me to think, oh my God, now he gets to put me in the def will not column if he chooses.

I know I know, I need to focus on me and my recovery, I have no control over him.

Is this true though?

MindfulMan

I've not heard of this.

Amends are sometimes not made directly if doing so would cause harm to the person or a third party.

For example, if a guy cheated with the wife of a good friend, he may not make that amend directly because it would cause damage to both the friend AND the wife AND the marriage.

In that case a living amends is made, that the wrong is noted but not actually expressed to the friend.

That's just one example.

Glenjo99

Ah ok, now that I understand!

Mango212

Working steps ourselves in Al-anon puts everything into new perspectives. Baby steps. One day at a time.

AnvilheadII

i think it's more about WILLINGNESS. by putting names in the "not sure i'll ever be ready for this" column, we are being HONEST with ourselves and another human being. we are also identifying persons, places and things that still have too much power over us, and we can turn them over to our Higher Power and continue to work our program to the best of our ability.

The Steps are literally like cleaning house. we NEVER get everything all in one go. even the rooms we have cleaned begin to clutter up again once we have moved on. that's why we don't try to do everything perfectly.

i think it would be VERY helpful if you assume that "he" is not actively working the steps and that you are not on any amends list. stick to the step YOU are on.............

hearthealth

My understanding is the amends list is for the present time. As one progresses, the never might become maybe. The maybe might become I am willing to make amends.

Glenjo99

Ok, that's what she said at the end, that people who were on her never list changed and she had lunch with one of them, so I suppose there's positivity in that.

Early days yet, some folks said they didn't get the steps untill a few years into it for themselves in Al Anon.

I suppose the key point for me was what that triggered for me tonight. Thanks for sharing your understaning.

Glenjo99

I am sticking to the step I am on. I felt triggered by this tonight hence sharing, more about my low self esteem and quickly I went there when I heard what the lady said.

Also I don't like to assume anything in life, particularly about him not actively doing his steps, he is someone who has all or nothing mentality, and last time we spoke he was giving recovery his all, going to meetings, sponsor, post rehab counselling and even setting up a meeting himself in his local area.

Dandelion12

I was just passing though and decided to just speak up her becsuse i was triggered by this.

You're going to al-anon to but your over involvement in "his" program is glaringly obvious.

I ended my marriage because of that dynamic.

It will never work.

Detachment from the outcome may work.


Waiting for an amends or keeping focused on someone elses progress never will

Glenjo99

You see I didn't think I was, have been finding Al Anon very good in some aspects, re self care, stating my needs, not focusing on them but on myself. But tonight I was triggered by what that lady said.

So obviously somewhere in the back of my mind there is a bit of a focus on his making amends, I wouldn't say over involvement in his programme though. I'm doing the best to do my own, for me, for my health and well-being. You see I'm hoping that through my self care and confidence building I won't care if I ever hear from him again, but I repeat, I was triggered tonight by that statement. So there's a new awareness for me.

Also, the reason I was probably triggered on that too, is because in his last message to me, he stated that he was very sick in active using, manipulated and lied to me but that he would be in touch in the future when he is doing the making amends part of AA programme, and will be up to me if I want to reply to him he said.

I kind of wish now he didn't say that, because somewhere inside I must be registering that as he will be in touch again.

BELIEVE me I've been trying everything I can to move on, forget him and focus on me. Everything! But even last night, he was in my dreams again.

Mellybug

I didn’t think I would jump in - but here I am.

For me, when the amends aspect was being discussed for the first time in Al-Anon I was looking forward to when my then ABF (now ex) would reach that step in HIS recovery. It meant to me that he would finally acknowledge the hurt he caused me! I would finally be vindicated!!

I realize now that he may never reach that point and I needed to make amends to MYSELF that I put myself through that pain by continuing to allow his behavior to affect me in those ways. I may never hear him apologize to me and that is perfectly fine. It would be difficult for him anyway since I’ve gone no contact.

Whether he ever acknowledges the destruction he has caused no longer occupies space in my mind. It truly doesn’t matter - that’s his business and none of mine. We all know what they’ve done to us, and in my case by staying in the relationship I allowed it to happen. Don’t I deserve to forgive myself? I’m most definitely worth it.

Glenjo99

Yes all very good points and really appreciate the feedback.

My point is for me, it was a new awareness last night that because of low self esteem etc, I was triggered, that triggering told me that I must have at the back of my mind the hope/expectation that he will be in touch to make amends or not, whatever case may be. Do you see what I'm saying? I understand all your points, focus on me, forgive myself not him, it was everything I had in me not to send him a letter last weekend but I worked through it, with good help in here too.

So for me it/he is obviously still occupying some parts of my mind. The points you make are very valid and great it's getting there and believing them that is a whole other kettle of fish.

Again another awareness may help in this process

(Another thing that came to me as I'm writing this, is that I do recognise the pain and stress that he caused and I know I deserve better treatment. What I can see is that he too was a damaged soul and my belief is that none of it was intentional, it was the disease. Nobody is all of any one thing, nobody is all bad or all good, so I can forgive the bad points as well as myself for going there).

hopeful4

Keep the amends list focused on YOUR OWN, not his.

Waiting for someone to come to us for amends will lead to disappointment.

atalose

Exactly!!

You are waiting for it, maybe counting on it ,obsessing about it with anticipation for when that may happen. You have probably already written the script in your head a million times. He might say this or that and I will say this or that.

Glenjo99

Been to see my therapist today, and he seems to think I may be in complicated grief of sorts. Grieving for someone who is missing in action so to speak. I explained how much I'm doing to work on myself, but that there's a stuckness. Said it's normal because of intensity of relationship, to suddently nothing in space of hours! I'm grieving for someone who I have no info on how their doing etc.

dandylion

glen.....are you talking about what is known as "ambiguous loss:...?

Glenjo99

Possibly having heard about that but sounds like it could be similar. Complicated grief he called it, because of the sudden, short, sharp, immediate loss of this person from my life, having had months of much previous intense contact.

FireSprite

I get this, but to play Devil's Advocate a bit.....

He didn't exactly disappear, right? He stated his reasons for leaving & left. However abruptly this happened, it still IS closure to the situation. It's not uncertain why he left or whether he expects to return - he doesn't.

If this is true to the situation (apologies if not, sometimes I miss details in long threads) then it's as much about Acceptance as it is Grieving, isn't it?

Glenjo99

Had to write about what I came across tonight on YouTube. An Abraham Hicks video on "let it all go and let your lovers come".

She says, the very person that has given you the bounce, that's caused the expansion that has contributed so mightily to the new you, to this powerful evolved you, is also the person that's keeping you from moving into it".

She says look into the relationship and just notice the parts you really liked, that a time vibration could then move you more quickly into a place where this is manifested into something more pleasing. But when your stuck, it's because your going there for the good stuff your also finding the bad stuff too which is counterproductive!


Good stuff I thought.

Glenjo99

I think the trauma is around the night I left him and what I saw him do/behave and it's impact on me, that I have never been able to have a full conversation about it with him. You say it's closure, but it's not for me, because I am the type of person who needs to talk (apparently it's a very normal human thing to do, who knew) about what has happened, why and the impact it's had. I agree there's some acceptance involved, but as my therapist agreed with, I deserve to have those conversations for me. May never happen, but at least I knew I wasn't going nuts. I explained that I understood Al Anon, online forums etc and how helpful they are, but there's like a piece of the puzzle missing keeping me stuck. I suppose to be fair to anyone reading this, it's challenging to explain anyone's situation thoroughly, the intensity of our relationship was massive, mostly from his side (calls texts etc) and then bang, all stopped. I am grieving the loss of him, our relationship, future plans to move to UK together etc.

As for not ambiguous about his returning, yes he said he would be in contact when he was doing amends part of AA programme! However as stated earlier, I realise now I must have registered that as a hope again for future contact.