lessgravity

Yet another complex that I am identifying as part of my psyche now that I am sober is the "impostor syndrome" writ large over my life. Aside from being pessimistic, so much of how I think about the work I do, the way I raise my family, how I live is colored in this shade of "what if I get found out", "I'm going to get caught", "everyone else thinks I'm [fill in the negative value judgment]"

Today, for example, I had a partner and an outside attorney review a huge, complicated, valuable project that I've been a part of for years. I am on my way out of the firm I work at. I wasn't able to be there for the review, which lasted half a day. Leading up to the review, including some middle of the night panics, I felt like I was going to be "exposed"- that I was going to come back to the office and be shamed/yelled at/fired (EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY GAVE NOTICE ON MY OWN).
Instead I was complimented on my work, for the first time in years regarding this project. More uninteresting details could be provided but, long story less long, the exact opposite, in every way, happened.

I liken this experience to a week ago when my wife was with her parents and she didn't answer a number of my calls. Rather than worry about her well-being, or pay it no mind, I somehow assumed she, and her parents, learned some horrible secret of mine and she was now refusing to answer my calls, determining the best way to divorce me. Instead she was out on a run.

Having lived all of my adult life, I'm 41, as a drunk I survived through deceit, scheming, cheating, hiding. There was a chance my empty bottles could be found if I forgot to throw them out. My breath could give me away, my unsteady feet as I made dinner, vomiting while running the shower to hide the sound before I got my kid to school. When you live as a drunk for so long, you habituate your psyche to the fear of being found out. This is because it is a reality! I could have been found out on so many occasions, and was on plenty that still cause me great shame.

Once we get sober, that fear of being found out, of being an impostor, of "the other shoe is going to drop" - it doesn't just leave us. I'm trying to be more aware of this and trying to live through it, recognize it and tell it to f off. But it's a damage I did to my self and my psyche and my person that is not going anywhere for some time. Still, I'm so thankful to be able to work on it, rather than be consumed by it.

Horn95

Less, that has been my life for so long. I take solace in that there are a lot of “old timers “ that for through.

MindfulMan

I'm not sure if this is a chicken or egg issue.

I think I naturally had this syndrome even as a kid, and drinking was a way to escape it by giving myself some relief from the horrible anxiety it causes. Starting a new career sober is really making me struggle with this.

Also agree that the mindset of hiding drinking just reinforces the impostor syndrome eventually.

Accord1

Soon after i quit, my immediate family wanted to go yo a counseling session together. For obvious reasons i would have never agreed while i was drinking. We exchanged many thoughts and so forth. About halfway through, something came over me and i said ive got nothing to hide from any of you anymore. No more lies, hiding ****, etc.. it was one of the best feelings ive ever had and has stuck with me since. If they get mad at me now or are disappointed for one reason or another i have a leg to stand on. Beforehand, i would just admit guilt because i had probably done something wrong. (And more often than not, not been able to remember what i had done.) Heres to peace of mind, less. Thanks for yet another though provoking post.

lessgravity

I agree. When I was younger I also struggled with these thoughts. I remember not long ago, hearing the radio show that some incredibly high percentage of ivy league students feel the same way. I'm sure that, to a certain extent, it's part of the human experience especially in one who is sensitive, self-aware and emotionally intelligent

On the other hand, I'm certain that the life of a drunk deepens the grooves on this particular mental record. Types of deceitful behavior one partakes in when living a life in thrall to the poison can only exacerbate these feelings. At the very least, the lie that I lived didn't help.

Dee74

I remember feeling that way all my life - but age and a little recovery helps. I'm comfortable with who I am now - could never say that as a drinker

D

Eddiebuckle

This doesn't happen overnight, but one of the insights I have picked up during sobriety is this:

We are not our past, we are what we do. If you want to be better, do better.

Fearlessat50

I can relate, lessgravity. And I always enjoy reading your posts.
I like what Eddiebuckle said

MythOfSisyphus

A timely post, less! A couple day ago I was watching a podcast on youtube that Joe Rogan does. Despite being super successful and well known he was talking about always feeling like an imposter, too. He and his guests assert that nearly every successful person who's not a psychopath suffers from Imposter Syndrome to a degree.

I can identify with it! Despite having 25 years of experience as a chef there are still times in an interview that I'll assume they can tell I don't know anything or that I must not really be as good as they expect. It's just a trick that the human mind likes to play.

kiki26

What a great post. I actually have never heard of imposter syndrome, but reading your post, man do I relate. Every time my husband doesn’t answer I’m sure he is plotting his divorce or running away with the kids. And I guess I’ve just felt like a fake my whole life. Always pretending to be who I am not.

PinnacleOR

Love this post. I am, by far, my own worst critic. Time and time again, I've had to lead complex project, do speaking engagements, etc...and they always work out way better than my disaster-planning mind thinks.

I have to do an opening event in front of 450 people in a few weeks. I'm nervous that the conference planners will "find out" I'm a phony.

Buckley3

Sign me up as a fellow member.

It's very much where I'm at in working on my recovery.

Right now I keep reminding myself that self-esteem, living a moral life, and stuff like that isn't a place I will 'get to' or 'be ready for.'

It's all about what I do today that is in line with what I believe in regardless of how I feel in the moment. If I let the self-doubt creep in and follow that rabbit trail too long it's procrastination city. All one big giant distraction.

It can be a good life. We deserve it. Why not me?

2muchpain

Spent many years at work praying that people would not find out that I was a fraud. That eventually I would make a mistake and people would see me for who I am. Worked very hard to look good and avoid making any mistakes that would blow my cover. It was draining. Every time someone would question a decision I made or a comment, they would see me for who I am. My mood would change constantly. If someone complimented me I would feel great even though I felt the compliment wasn't deserved. Every time someone would critisize me I was scared that I would be found out to a fake. It was a terrible way to live. My self-worth was dependent on how others saw me. It took a change in lifestyle, a belief in myself that I had value no matter what anybody said, and, as Dee said getting older and focusing on what's really important to get beyond this. I still deal with this problem from time to time, but it no longer controls my life. Good luck to all that are dealing with this. John

2muchpain

I'll probably always feel that I am not as good as others, since I was told as a child that this was the case. Some childhood traumas last forever. I think the important this is to not let these experiences control your life, but that you take control of them and not let them get in the way of having the life you deserve. Our past doesn't define our future. John