Hokieforlife

I should have recognized all the red flags from the beginning, but a part of me just wanted to help. You know how the story goes.

I met this girl off Tinder (yeah, maybe another red flag). She had just gotten out of a 3 year long relationship (red flag). She had severe depression and anxiety issues, and was very clingy and needy. I knew she drank a lot but she was successful and intelligent, so I thought nothing of it. She was kind to me, always texting me, making me happy. Not to mention the sex was the best I ever had. We only dated about 5 months but I developed feelings for her, and she told me I was the only guy she had feelings for since her ex.

But her drinking habits always hurt me. She'd disrespect me, ruin plans we'd make together, turn into a different person when drunk. Then one night she got a DUI. I was very hurt and disappointed, but I wanted to be there for her. I didn't want to leave her. But she kept drinking and disrespecting me whenever she would be drunk.

I finally snapped and told her I thought she had a drinking problem. I wish I had been kinder, but I just reached my limit. She blamed her past relationship and her friends circle (who all drink heavily) for her drinking. After that she tried to make amends but wouldn't stop drinking. We began to drift apart. Then one day she had a massive panic attack when she knew she was going to be convicted for the DUI after getting her DUI discovery letter. I told her that I wanted to be there for her. I sent her flowers and giftbox to cheer her up, even offered to take her somewhere to get her mind off things. Finally, I told her I loved her. Maybe I said it too late. She told me I meant so much to her but she could never get there with me and that she would only disappoint me, and that she didn't know what she wanted.

A month and a half later, she's with a new guy and goes on an elaborate vacation with him to Hawaii. Posting all these pictures of how happy she is with him. It crushed my heart and I can't get the picture of them together out of my head even a month later. I've felt so worthless, so pathetic, and so stupid....how could I make myself vulnerable to someone like this? Someone who was teeming with problems: insecurity, immaturity, impulsiveness, substance abuse, etc. I deleted her from everything but the pain lingers. Why wasn't I good enough? I tried being there for her. I fell in love with the woman she was sober, because she had an amazing heart. It's true, loving an addict is an emotional roller coaster like no other.

Everyone tells me her new relationship will fail, I wonder if that's true (not that it matters, I want to move on). I keep thinking she's changed and has found the love of her life. Then I wonder if maybe it's just the honeymoon phase and a distraction from her problems. I wonder if she'll ever come back, and if I'll be strong enough to say no. I've never felt like this and I hate myself.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope your ex gets the help she needs to get and stay sober.

For you, you might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for yourself.

ebecker1982

Yeah, I wouldn't even worry about what she's doing.

She's on a self-destructive path.

Don't destroy yourself over it.

AlAnon/NarAnon are definitely things to check out. If you're really struggling, a therapist might be a good idea (because there's a chance that she's not the only thing weighing on you.) And if worse comes to worst, just remember...she is somebody else's problem right now. You take care of you. She's her own problem.

-Eric

FreedomCA

Sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s painful because you both shared good times together. Seems like you are just going to have to give it more time to grieve the loss.

This is the thing with relationships. They are attachments. And any attachments can cause suffering because nothing is permanent. I hope you feel better soon.

Hokieforlife

I guess I just need to hear things like this. The reassurance that it wasn't me. Because for some reason I think it was and that I could've somehow done better. Thank you Eric.

thomas11

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but the story you tell has happened millions of times. All you want to do is help, you're smitten with her, yet she can't be helped (yet). Then she seamlessly moves on to another caregiver.

This may sound cruel, but focus on yourself and be glad you aren't her.

Wastinglife

I think I could be the male version of your ex. Probably more advanced in terms of the progressive nature of alcoholism. I have already lost everything. Every relationship and job past age 28 (42 now) was ruined by my drinking. I had a few short flings with girls from online dating. None of them ever really saw me sober. If I wasn't drinking, I was hungover. I am very impulsive (ADHD) and do not consider things more than a week ahead. Usually by the 2 month mark, these women would figure out that I had a drinking problem and run for the hills.

I highly doubt your ex's new relationship will work out. I do implore you to move on though. You don't need an alcoholic in your life to drag you down with her.

Hokieforlife

I'm so sorry to hear all of that. I really am. This entire experience has been extremely painful, but has taught me so much. For one, that alcoholism is a disease over which the person themselves has very little control. And beating alcoholism is only half the battle,after that comes facing all of their other demons and troubles caused by their alcoholism - debt, depression, etc. - sober and having to fight the urge to drink again.

It's just in my case I guess I was used to fill a void by someone who should have instead been focusing on seeking help, and that was selfish of them. But again, it was a learning experience. I appreciate the words of encouragement.

And you're likely right on the new relationship failing eventually once her true colors come out. But I do love her and I wanted her to be happy, I just wish it was me who could've given her that happiness. But I'm learning that happiness comes internally not externally, and I never would've succeeded and he won't either.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Hokie

You sound like a nice decent person - don't doubt that. There's always a third party involved when someone is in active addiction - the bottle or the pills or whatever.

I think you deserve better and I hope you'll find it

I'm glad you found us - this is a supportive place

D

Hokieforlife

Thank you. I have read some of the stories on here and they were moving. I know mine if nothing compared to some of them - I wasn't in a relationship for years, never got marries, had kids, etc. But this relatively short experience dating and getting dumped by someone with a drinking problem that I loved was still enough to hurt me immensely. I just find it so hard to stop thinking about it and that is my first challenge: to find ways to stop thinking about her and what her new relationship must be like.

Gilmer

I fear that this is your pride talking and not reason.

You loved her, both with tender support and tough love when necessary. You demonstrated loyalty, perseverance, and faithfulness. It is through no fault of your own that this relationship dissolved.

The fact is that you’ve dodged a bullet.

It may be tough at first to keep your mind off her, but you can block her from your social media—don’t check up on her and keep picking at the scab.

And build other activities and relationships—not necessarily romantic, but things designed to build yourself into a better and even more well-rounded you.

If you put enough interesting new stuff into your mind, the old, inferior stuff will eventually drop away of its own weight.

Good riddance!

Hokieforlife

You're right, I'm not thinking reasonably. I'm normally a logical person, but the thing about love is, it's in your heart and not your head so you can't think logically about it. That's why this is hard. Right now it hurts like hell but I am sure with time I will move on. I am certain one day I will meet someone truly amazing and I'll look back on this and laugh at how ridiculous the whole situation was. Time is the key, and finding distraction.

DontRemember

This is just me man,but I wouldn't bother with alanon/whatever over this(unless you can't move past it)..Accept you were a rebound(so is the new guy) and move on with your life. Block,Block,Block her on everything.

Edit: Breakups suck with or without addiction and not to be an ass,but..ya met her on tinder. I'm sure she still had her profile going or at least few guys on the 'line'.

Hokieforlife

This is what I'm beginning to accept, and I've been told this before. It was just a horrible judgement call on my end. Still hurts, but with time I'll get better. Gotta be dumb and make a few mistakes here and there in life.

DontRemember

right? I've been 'dumb' and wasted like 16yrs of my life on some 'shoulda ran away from' women.

Hokieforlife

Didn't mean that to be offensive. I was only seeing this girl for 5 months, that's nothing compared to some of the people on here who have been through marriages lasting decades with alcoholics. So my case is 'easy', and I'll move on fast. But nonetheless, it was my first experience with an alcoholic I had feelings for no matter how short and now I know what to look for. Before her I was dating a girl who lacked empathy (who also popped pills), I'm learning. Slowly but surely. Luckily I'm 26. I'd rather make these mistakes now and learn fast, and learn from other people too (like the ones on this forum).

AAPJ

I think there is a very good chance that you will look back on this some years from now and realize how lucky you are that the relationship fell apart so quickly.

Hokieforlife

You're definitely right. Not that it matters but I wonder - even though I was a rebound for half a year - if this one will try and re-enter my life when I finally move on and things inevitably fail for her and the new man. I've had toxic women try and come back in the past when things didn't go the way they planned. Just gotta be strong enough to say no.

DontRemember

Nah,bro..I'm by no means offended. LOL I'm happy as hell being sober,single and free. I ended my last stuff. I was just pointing out how some(me) get 'stuck'(self inflicted) in a toxic relationship and it seems(it's not) impossible to get out of. Consider yourself LUCKY!

Hokieforlife

LOL so on your edit, guess where she meets the guy after me? Twitter Forgot to mention she's a social media addict. Now I really look dumb don't I hahaha