Taking everything so personally....codependency?
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Taking everything so personally....codependency?
So the last couple of days I've been having car issues. I missed a meeting last night because I couldn't get there, car wouldn't start, and it was one I'd have liked to attend. This morning again it still wont start so having it towed to garage.
I've noticed how personally I took it thought wise! Straight away started to think, nothing ever goes right, now you've missed a big meeting everyone's going to hate you, my life sucks etc etc. Lots of negative talk that obviously doesn't help. Its really shocking how small things like car issues can trigger this self hatred.
I read in "codependent no more" that taking things too personally is a codependent thing. I mean its not my fault the car broke, so why be so hard on myself!
I say some positive affirmations morning and night, but as soon as this happened, they went out the window too, my thoughts saying the complete opposite. Trying right now to remind myself, car breaking down is not a reflection of who I am, my worth or my ability. Just like relationships I take everything as a reflection of my self worth. So I know I need to get that core of me unshakeable and strong so that no matter what's thrown my way I can always come back to that inner self belief that I am enough on my own. Obviously I've a LONG way to go.
Anyone else take things to personally?
I've noticed how personally I took it thought wise! Straight away started to think, nothing ever goes right, now you've missed a big meeting everyone's going to hate you, my life sucks etc etc. Lots of negative talk that obviously doesn't help. Its really shocking how small things like car issues can trigger this self hatred.
I read in "codependent no more" that taking things too personally is a codependent thing. I mean its not my fault the car broke, so why be so hard on myself!
I say some positive affirmations morning and night, but as soon as this happened, they went out the window too, my thoughts saying the complete opposite. Trying right now to remind myself, car breaking down is not a reflection of who I am, my worth or my ability. Just like relationships I take everything as a reflection of my self worth. So I know I need to get that core of me unshakeable and strong so that no matter what's thrown my way I can always come back to that inner self belief that I am enough on my own. Obviously I've a LONG way to go.
Anyone else take things to personally?
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Some days are better than others. Some days, I have a very calms sense of my own worth--not ego, not self-importance, just know my own value and know the value of others. And it's all OK.
Other days, I pick apart every conversation I've had during the day imagining that people are offended by everything I say and how horrible I am and how many apologies I owe.
Work in progress
Other days, I pick apart every conversation I've had during the day imagining that people are offended by everything I say and how horrible I am and how many apologies I owe.
Work in progress
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Originally Posted by Seren 
Some days are better than others. Some days, I have a very calms sense of my own worth--not ego, not self-importance, just know my own value and know the value of others. And it's all OK.
Other days, I pick apart every conversation I've had during the day imagining that people are offended by everything I say and how horrible I am and how many apologies I owe.
Work in progress
Other days, I pick apart every conversation I've had during the day imagining that people are offended by everything I say and how horrible I am and how many apologies I owe.
Work in progress
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Yesterday was one of those days for me, too. I was really struggling with self worth and having lots of negative thoughts about myself. I was able to recognize it and made a conscious decision to turn it around. I listened to my playlist of music that makes me feel empowered, made a written list of 10 awesome things about myself, and kept doing that until I felt better.
It took a good part of the day and didn’t remove every bad thought but it silenced many of them.
Later my XABF got really drunk and began contacting me and I was able to stand firm and enact my boundaries.
It is good that we recognize when our thoughts are circling down the toilet drain. It means we can take steps necessary to pull ourselves back out.
It took a good part of the day and didn’t remove every bad thought but it silenced many of them.
Later my XABF got really drunk and began contacting me and I was able to stand firm and enact my boundaries.
It is good that we recognize when our thoughts are circling down the toilet drain. It means we can take steps necessary to pull ourselves back out.
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Originally Posted by Mellybug
Yesterday was one of those days for me, too. I was really struggling with self worth and having lots of negative thoughts about myself. I was able to recognize it and made a conscious decision to turn it around. I listened to my playlist of music that makes me feel empowered, made a written list of 10 awesome things about myself, and kept doing that until I felt better.
It took a good part of the day and didn’t remove every bad thought but it silenced many of them.
Later my XABF got really drunk and began contacting me and I was able to stand firm and enact my boundaries.
It is good that we recognize when our thoughts are circling down the toilet drain. It means we can take steps necessary to pull ourselves back out.
It took a good part of the day and didn’t remove every bad thought but it silenced many of them.
Later my XABF got really drunk and began contacting me and I was able to stand firm and enact my boundaries.
It is good that we recognize when our thoughts are circling down the toilet drain. It means we can take steps necessary to pull ourselves back out.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Never saw myself as being selfish yet I perceived to think everything was about me. My old thinking was like this, my ex is using drugs because of me or because something I’ve done or said. My co-workers could be chatting in the lunch room I either felt they were talking about me or purposely did not invite me to join them. It never occurred to me that they just happened to all want coffee or water at that time, no my thinking was it was somehow about me. My neighbor who is a friend had people over to her house one Saturday night and I got my feelings hurt because I was not invited. My thinking would jump to, she is mad at me or she just didn’t want me there. And that thinking went on and on until I saw her and she mentioned she gave her sister a surprise bday party for her 60th. I do not even know her sister so of course I wouldn’t be invited. But that selfish self-absorbed thinking that it was all about me was crazy making.
Today I have much different conversations with the person looking back at me in the mirror and I no longer think/believe everything is about me. I no longer use the excuse that I am just overly sensitive and that I can’t help that.
Today I have much different conversations with the person looking back at me in the mirror and I no longer think/believe everything is about me. I no longer use the excuse that I am just overly sensitive and that I can’t help that.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Never saw myself as being selfish yet I perceived to think everything was about me. My old thinking was like this, my ex is using drugs because of me or because something I’ve done or said. My co-workers could be chatting in the lunch room I either felt they were talking about me or purposely did not invite me to join them. It never occurred to me that they just happened to all want coffee or water at that time, no my thinking was it was somehow about me. My neighbor who is a friend had people over to her house one Saturday night and I got my feelings hurt because I was not invited. My thinking would jump to, she is mad at me or she just didn’t want me there. And that thinking went on and on until I saw her and she mentioned she gave her sister a surprise bday party for her 60th. I do not even know her sister so of course I wouldn’t be invited. But that selfish self-absorbed thinking that it was all about me was crazy making.
Today I have much different conversations with the person looking back at me in the mirror and I no longer think/believe everything is about me. I no longer use the excuse that I am just overly sensitive and that I can’t help that.
Today I have much different conversations with the person looking back at me in the mirror and I no longer think/believe everything is about me. I no longer use the excuse that I am just overly sensitive and that I can’t help that.
Brings me back to codependent no more again, where melody says we are not responsible for other peoples feelings, actions etc. Only responsible for ourselves.
Think a lot of thought retraining is needed here.
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I've absolutely struggled with this but I'm not sure I agree that this is a Codie thing so much as it's a human thing.
I think people who fit all kinds of labels spend far too much mental energy taking things personally. It's surprising, but often people just NEED to be able to place blame somewhere & are more willing to accept the assignment of blame rather than accept that there IS no blame necessary, it just IS.
With examples like your car, it's a lot easier to "see" but within relationships, not so easy in my experience. I struggled a LOT with Agreement #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally.
When someone knows that their actions can & will hurt me but do it anyway, it was impossible to consider that wasn't personal. It took me a long, long, LONG time to get to a point where I could see the underlying self-judgment driving these kinds of "attacks" & eventually sense when others were taking MY actions personally too. In that case, sometimes I can explain how it isn't but often, just like anything else, I can't control that their perception won't allow them to accept it as anything BUT personal. So, I can choose to walk away & know I tried my best.
You're exactly right that it takes practice - it's just like building any other habit. Lots & lots of practice.... which includes failing, btw -
First
Attempts
In
Learning.
I think people who fit all kinds of labels spend far too much mental energy taking things personally. It's surprising, but often people just NEED to be able to place blame somewhere & are more willing to accept the assignment of blame rather than accept that there IS no blame necessary, it just IS.
With examples like your car, it's a lot easier to "see" but within relationships, not so easy in my experience. I struggled a LOT with Agreement #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally.
When someone knows that their actions can & will hurt me but do it anyway, it was impossible to consider that wasn't personal. It took me a long, long, LONG time to get to a point where I could see the underlying self-judgment driving these kinds of "attacks" & eventually sense when others were taking MY actions personally too. In that case, sometimes I can explain how it isn't but often, just like anything else, I can't control that their perception won't allow them to accept it as anything BUT personal. So, I can choose to walk away & know I tried my best.
You're exactly right that it takes practice - it's just like building any other habit. Lots & lots of practice.... which includes failing, btw -
First
Attempts
In
Learning.
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some days your the bug, some days your the windshield. Just chalk it up to that as you know in your heart that sometimes life is just funny that way. It doesn't mean the world is out for you. or you did anything wrong. The best way that helps me out of a funk where it feels like everything is going wrong, is just to make a laugh out of it. I say "this is like out of a movie!" on those days where everything seems to go wrong.
Then I make a pedicure appointment or watch a good movie to self-sooth and say, tomorrow will be better
Then I make a pedicure appointment or watch a good movie to self-sooth and say, tomorrow will be better
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Oh gosh. Problems with a car I just bought, it's in the shop as we speak, so I feel you. Likely going to be EXPENSIVE repair. I am taking deep, deep breaths.
I am going to just try and take it all in stride.
I am going to just try and take it all in stride.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I've absolutely struggled with this but I'm not sure I agree that this is a Codie thing so much as it's a human thing.
I think people who fit all kinds of labels spend far too much mental energy taking things personally. It's surprising, but often people just NEED to be able to place blame somewhere & are more willing to accept the assignment of blame rather than accept that there IS no blame necessary, it just IS.
With examples like your car, it's a lot easier to "see" but within relationships, not so easy in my experience. I struggled a LOT with Agreement #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally.
When someone knows that their actions can & will hurt me but do it anyway, it was impossible to consider that wasn't personal. It took me a long, long, LONG time to get to a point where I could see the underlying self-judgment driving these kinds of "attacks" & eventually sense when others were taking MY actions personally too. In that case, sometimes I can explain how it isn't but often, just like anything else, I can't control that their perception won't allow them to accept it as anything BUT personal. So, I can choose to walk away & know I tried my best.
You're exactly right that it takes practice - it's just like building any other habit. Lots & lots of practice.... which includes failing, btw -
First
Attempts
In
Learning.
I think people who fit all kinds of labels spend far too much mental energy taking things personally. It's surprising, but often people just NEED to be able to place blame somewhere & are more willing to accept the assignment of blame rather than accept that there IS no blame necessary, it just IS.
With examples like your car, it's a lot easier to "see" but within relationships, not so easy in my experience. I struggled a LOT with Agreement #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally.
When someone knows that their actions can & will hurt me but do it anyway, it was impossible to consider that wasn't personal. It took me a long, long, LONG time to get to a point where I could see the underlying self-judgment driving these kinds of "attacks" & eventually sense when others were taking MY actions personally too. In that case, sometimes I can explain how it isn't but often, just like anything else, I can't control that their perception won't allow them to accept it as anything BUT personal. So, I can choose to walk away & know I tried my best.
You're exactly right that it takes practice - it's just like building any other habit. Lots & lots of practice.... which includes failing, btw -
First
Attempts
In
Learning.
Know what you mean about relationships! How can we not take it personally. I suppose it means putting focus on ourselves, even if the behaviour was not good from the other person, and saying that was their "stuff". All about what's going on for them inside, self hatred, judging etc. Still hard to do though.
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
some days your the bug, some days your the windshield. Just chalk it up to that as you know in your heart that sometimes life is just funny that way. It doesn't mean the world is out for you. or you did anything wrong. The best way that helps me out of a funk where it feels like everything is going wrong, is just to make a laugh out of it. I say "this is like out of a movie!" on those days where everything seems to go wrong.
Then I make a pedicure appointment or watch a good movie to self-sooth and say, tomorrow will be better
Then I make a pedicure appointment or watch a good movie to self-sooth and say, tomorrow will be better
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Oh gosh. Problems with a car I just bought, it's in the shop as we speak, so I feel you. Likely going to be EXPENSIVE repair. I am taking deep, deep breaths.
I am going to just try and take it all in stride.
I am going to just try and take it all in stride.
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Location: Boston
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Anyone else take things to personally?
Heck no! Never!
Isn't this the beauty of doing work on ourselves? LOL! That we get the opportunity to face these things that are holding us back or warping our thinking and decision-making process? Today, (because my car started and no one has tried to hurt my feelings yet) I can be grateful for the circumstances in my childhood and in my life that pushed me toward growing and healing and getting into reality! But when I'm knee deep in it (when my car won't start and someone I love has done something hurtful) it is for sure challenging to go to the affirmations that give me a little perspective.
It has gotten more natural over the years. But seriously, some folks, and we see them all around us and deal with them all the time, never change and grow, never look seriously in the mirror at their own behavior, so I am grateful, and Glenjo99 you should thank yourself today for your healing work that you are doing! You are making strides for sure recognizing this stuff and sitting with it. It is very uncomfortable and painful, and that's why lots of people are too scared to attempt change.
I think something that I only recently accepted was that my goal isn't to make all this crap go away, it's to transform it or come to peace with it. Coming to peace with it means not letting it ruin my life, seeing it as not controlling me, but more like a passing irritation, a cloud, that doesn't have to rule my world, ruin my day, or hijack my mood. I can feel it, and I can let it go without beating myself up for feeling that way again! Like I am somehow not doing life right or failing.
Man, it's hard, and complicated.
Peace,
B.
Heck no! Never!
Isn't this the beauty of doing work on ourselves? LOL! That we get the opportunity to face these things that are holding us back or warping our thinking and decision-making process? Today, (because my car started and no one has tried to hurt my feelings yet) I can be grateful for the circumstances in my childhood and in my life that pushed me toward growing and healing and getting into reality! But when I'm knee deep in it (when my car won't start and someone I love has done something hurtful) it is for sure challenging to go to the affirmations that give me a little perspective.
It has gotten more natural over the years. But seriously, some folks, and we see them all around us and deal with them all the time, never change and grow, never look seriously in the mirror at their own behavior, so I am grateful, and Glenjo99 you should thank yourself today for your healing work that you are doing! You are making strides for sure recognizing this stuff and sitting with it. It is very uncomfortable and painful, and that's why lots of people are too scared to attempt change.
I think something that I only recently accepted was that my goal isn't to make all this crap go away, it's to transform it or come to peace with it. Coming to peace with it means not letting it ruin my life, seeing it as not controlling me, but more like a passing irritation, a cloud, that doesn't have to rule my world, ruin my day, or hijack my mood. I can feel it, and I can let it go without beating myself up for feeling that way again! Like I am somehow not doing life right or failing.
Man, it's hard, and complicated.
Peace,
B.
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
Anyone else take things to personally?
Heck no! Never!
Isn't this the beauty of doing work on ourselves? LOL! That we get the opportunity to face these things that are holding us back or warping our thinking and decision-making process? Today, (because my car started and no one has tried to hurt my feelings yet) I can be grateful for the circumstances in my childhood and in my life that pushed me toward growing and healing and getting into reality! But when I'm knee deep in it (when my car won't start and someone I love has done something hurtful) it is for sure challenging to go to the affirmations that give me a little perspective.
It has gotten more natural over the years. But seriously, some folks, and we see them all around us and deal with them all the time, never change and grow, never look seriously in the mirror at their own behavior, so I am grateful, and Glenjo99 you should thank yourself today for your healing work that you are doing! You are making strides for sure recognizing this stuff and sitting with it. It is very uncomfortable and painful, and that's why lots of people are too scared to attempt change.
I think something that I only recently accepted was that my goal isn't to make all this crap go away, it's to transform it or come to peace with it. Coming to peace with it means not letting it ruin my life, seeing it as not controlling me, but more like a passing irritation, a cloud, that doesn't have to rule my world, ruin my day, or hijack my mood. I can feel it, and I can let it go without beating myself up for feeling that way again! Like I am somehow not doing life right or failing.
Man, it's hard, and complicated.
Peace,
B.
Heck no! Never!
Isn't this the beauty of doing work on ourselves? LOL! That we get the opportunity to face these things that are holding us back or warping our thinking and decision-making process? Today, (because my car started and no one has tried to hurt my feelings yet) I can be grateful for the circumstances in my childhood and in my life that pushed me toward growing and healing and getting into reality! But when I'm knee deep in it (when my car won't start and someone I love has done something hurtful) it is for sure challenging to go to the affirmations that give me a little perspective.
It has gotten more natural over the years. But seriously, some folks, and we see them all around us and deal with them all the time, never change and grow, never look seriously in the mirror at their own behavior, so I am grateful, and Glenjo99 you should thank yourself today for your healing work that you are doing! You are making strides for sure recognizing this stuff and sitting with it. It is very uncomfortable and painful, and that's why lots of people are too scared to attempt change.
I think something that I only recently accepted was that my goal isn't to make all this crap go away, it's to transform it or come to peace with it. Coming to peace with it means not letting it ruin my life, seeing it as not controlling me, but more like a passing irritation, a cloud, that doesn't have to rule my world, ruin my day, or hijack my mood. I can feel it, and I can let it go without beating myself up for feeling that way again! Like I am somehow not doing life right or failing.
Man, it's hard, and complicated.
Peace,
B.
Got car back this evening and went to yoga class tonight which I love, 2nd week. So small steps, day at a time, learning all the time!
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Hey Glenjo, a few things in your post stand out to me.
The first is, the positive affirmations, are you hearing them and feeling them or are you just reciting them? No need to answer, just a question for you if you like.
Second and this one is big, in my opinion:
I know people who think this way. A mishap or unexpected bill, or whatever, is a flow on in life, part of one big "thing after the other". It's a way of thinking that is so unhelpful, in my opinion. It's not actually true. Car breaking down had nothing to do with the fact that - your coffee maker stopped working last week, you get the idea.
I also don't think this is strictly a co-dependant thing, we all do it to greater and lesser degrees. I still do it for some things and I KNOW it doesn't work for me, not at all, not one bit. So I change my thinking (or try) at the time, review, know it's not helpful, find solutions instead of blaming myself. I know what has to be done, whether that is cutting down on eating ice cream, getting my car repaired or getting the grass cut. Truth is, there is no need for "blame".
The first is, the positive affirmations, are you hearing them and feeling them or are you just reciting them? No need to answer, just a question for you if you like.
Second and this one is big, in my opinion:
Straight away started to think, nothing ever goes right
I read in "codependent no more" that taking things too personally is a codependent thing. I mean its not my fault the car broke, so why be so hard on myself!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hey Glenjo, a few things in your post stand out to me.
The first is, the positive affirmations, are you hearing them and feeling them or are you just reciting them? No need to answer, just a question for you if you like.
Second and this one is big, in my opinion:
I know people who think this way. A mishap or unexpected bill, or whatever, is a flow on in life, part of one big "thing after the other". It's a way of thinking that is so unhelpful, in my opinion. It's not actually true. Car breaking down had nothing to do with the fact that - your coffee maker stopped working last week, you get the idea.
I also don't think this is strictly a co-dependant thing, we all do it to greater and lesser degrees. I still do it for some things and I KNOW it doesn't work for me, not at all, not one bit. So I change my thinking (or try) at the time, review, know it's not helpful, find solutions instead of blaming myself. I know what has to be done, whether that is cutting down on eating ice cream, getting my car repaired or getting the grass cut. Truth is, there is no need for "blame".
The first is, the positive affirmations, are you hearing them and feeling them or are you just reciting them? No need to answer, just a question for you if you like.
Second and this one is big, in my opinion:
I know people who think this way. A mishap or unexpected bill, or whatever, is a flow on in life, part of one big "thing after the other". It's a way of thinking that is so unhelpful, in my opinion. It's not actually true. Car breaking down had nothing to do with the fact that - your coffee maker stopped working last week, you get the idea.
I also don't think this is strictly a co-dependant thing, we all do it to greater and lesser degrees. I still do it for some things and I KNOW it doesn't work for me, not at all, not one bit. So I change my thinking (or try) at the time, review, know it's not helpful, find solutions instead of blaming myself. I know what has to be done, whether that is cutting down on eating ice cream, getting my car repaired or getting the grass cut. Truth is, there is no need for "blame".
I agree that old negative thinking pattern of why does it always happen to me etc does not help one bit!
I will continue to practice new ways of thinking.
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There is something that stands out about your post because I find myself doing it, too.
1. Something bad happens
2. I feel angry and sad
3. Then, I feel judgmental and ashamed of my anger and sadness
Step three is called secondary emotions: the feelings you have about your feelings. I think it's pretty normal to feel upset when something bad happens, like a car breaking down. It's stressful, inconvenient, and possibly expensive. But judging myself and feeling ashamed of my feelings is problematic.
It might be helpful if you also examine the reasons why you're so hard on yourself for feeling upset when life gets hard.
1. Something bad happens
2. I feel angry and sad
3. Then, I feel judgmental and ashamed of my anger and sadness
Step three is called secondary emotions: the feelings you have about your feelings. I think it's pretty normal to feel upset when something bad happens, like a car breaking down. It's stressful, inconvenient, and possibly expensive. But judging myself and feeling ashamed of my feelings is problematic.
It might be helpful if you also examine the reasons why you're so hard on yourself for feeling upset when life gets hard.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Oh gosh. Problems with a car I just bought, it's in the shop as we speak, so I feel you. Likely going to be EXPENSIVE repair. I am taking deep, deep breaths.
I am going to just try and take it all in stride.
I am going to just try and take it all in stride.
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