Hopeful528

I relapsed and keep relapsing.
I feel terrible and so depressed.

It happened so fast, I don't know what to do anymore to free myself it feels so hopeless

Hopeful528

I try to look at what I learn from these experiences

but finding it challenging to maintain optimism and enthusiasm about creating a new life when I keep circling back

Hopeful528

I had 4 months this time.
I got a job on August 31 and went from not working to crazy hours and a week and a half into it I relapsed.
Other things were occurring too and my routine was out of whack.

Then I find the denial sets in and i start questioning whether I can successfully drink and I've picked up maybe 4 times since.
Each time I feel done with it, it doesn't take long to prove to myself it doesn't work, but then after 3 busy days at work im rushing to the liquor store.

I've come far from where I was, its been 2 or 3 years since I stopped and it was alot worse then, but i have relapsed many times

Hopeful528

I don't know what to do to make it stick.
I know I have to keep trying.
My life was improving immensely, and it still can, but I feel not defeated but not as hopeful right now and my job isn't great, I don't have a clear direction in where or what I am working towards and I feel unhappy

Hopeful528

I'm lucky in that, I have learned alot about the disease and what is happening in my brain, and that even though i feel absolutely so ****** right now today, life isnt that bad and it can be alot better without alcohol in it but it sure doesnt feel good to be here today

wildflower70

Hang in there hopeful,

I have relapsed many times, for many reasons, and some for no reason at all. After about 30 days of abstinence, the thoughts go away for me. I am only at 2 weeks and have a huge trigger coming up this weekend, a trip home to see family. I understand how hard this is...

Try to get that first 30 days...smoother sailing after that!! We can do it!

dsmaxis10

don't give up yes your near victory it's not good Boleo told me to not work long hours for me i have become crippled in pain from doctors malpractice for life I had to forgive otherwise alcoholic death look where do rehab is pathetic anyways what does the first step say it's past tense a sense of new direction and power we agnostics step two new power flow in step three i have not drank for almost three months i have been of benzos three weeks today panic attack after panic attack i used 12 years of recovery a life of Religions and Spiritualism I quit benzos there in my house because i knew one more i'd drink and die an alcoholic death

Hopeful528

thanks, today is really challenging with waves of remorse and fear.

My life without and with alcohol is like night and day.

It feels awful to have arrived back in the cycle of active addiction. I'm really scared

Hopeful528

30 days youre right.

The insanity at the beginning of quitting and then doing it again is hell.

I get anxiety really terrible anxiety and depression most of the time after drinking. I also am lucky in that nothing fatal happened and I have a chance to do it right again, but I did things I'm not proud of last night, and the entire switch of being back in this state of hell is overwhelming.

I have had alot of things occur that weren't easy the last few years, but i feel in relapsing ive created this cycle and shot down so much of my hope in continuing to self-sabotage and **** up.

and oh my it sure feels terrible back on this side.

Hopeful528

congratulations it feels so much better the further away from it, the psychic change.

have you been able to visit family successfully without drinking? What can you do to get through it and stay sober?

I seem to struggle with moods as well as stress from work, and I can fight through it better in the warmer months of the year and have a more challenging time in the fall and winter.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank Hopeful - do you have a recovery plan, or is it just basically trying not to drink?

D

fini

hello Hopeful,
you have posted in the step 1 subforum, and that is a good place, as it pertains to your repeated questioning , after a couple of days abstinence, whether you can successfully drink, by which i assume you mean some kind of controlled drinking or moderating.
and since you have been doing this for a while and are posting in the 12-step forum, i wonder if you have ever started working with a sponsor on that first step and what you think it might take for you to be convinced?

Gottalife

Hi Hopeful, what you write describes my last few months of drinking. I relate especially to the fear which, when it came to recovery, I used to good effect to propel me through the steps. That was really it. I faced an alcoholic death or I had to live on a spiritual basis.

It began with step one, the realisation that I had a fatal illness comrpising an obsession of the mind that always put a drink in my hand, and an allergy of the body that ensured I would destroy myself in the process. That was a pretty frightening situation, and as far as I could see at that time there was only one way out, a spiritual experience through the 12 steps.

Within three months, probably a lot sooner but the realisation came at three months, The obsession was gone and I was getting right with the world, well into step nine. Turns out the solution was closer and much simpler than I thought.

Hopeful528

Wow, thank you, I'm so happy to have found this site and for the hope it brings in your responses.

Hopeful528

I have a sponsor, but I have not been through all the steps.

I know what will happen if I drink so i have to do everything at all costs to get it right.
My sponsor has been a bit awal all summer but thats not why i picked up, I don't know how it happened, i know i had a lot of changes quickly, I started working and my recovery plan got put to the side, and I was working and not attending meetings, and just a bunch of things seemed to happen at once and my alcoholic brain starts to forget how **** creek it is the further away maybe that was happening as well.
however, Im going to seriously work on the steps without waiting this time.


Thank you gottalife and Dee,

My plan is to get spiritually right and attend at least 3 meetings a week

Read recovery materials

Come here and read stories as well as remember how much it scares me where it can take me, and throw the denial out

Read stories on the forum of people who didn't get a chance to make things right in time, by harming themselves or others, to make it clear the reality of where this can lead

Hopeful528

I need to think of what to do in an emergency situation, or thats not the right term
but i feel like when my stress tolerance gets really high, and then its like the switch goes off after a long shift, i need to have a plan for what to do if the obsession takes over

Hopeful528

I realize it is preventative and I need to work a program daily before i get to that point

It felt easier when I wasn't working, but I have to find a way to make the balance of working on my spiritual program everyday

Dee74

a recovery plan is a good idea

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

Hopeful528

I stopped going to meetings the way I was, because of a few things, I felt like I wanted space from the meetings and I realize that is a huge part of my recovery plan, and I will choose 3 and that will be one part of my plan

Tommyh

once I went to AA for a year,in and out the whole time.
My last drink was a 3 or 4 day binge.2 weeks earlier a man said I would see a time that only by praying would I be able to stay sober.He was right.After that binge,things changed
then I knew,I would never be able to keep myself sober.I wanted sobriety.
I was able to see myself as a hopeless alcoholic who would die soon if I took another drink.Then I was ready to go to any length.
I came back to AA and have been sober since.I got back up with that sponsor and got into the big book and the steps.I prayed ever morning for God to help me stay sober,said thank you at night.I got involved in that AA group and made 5 meetings a week.To me sobriety was my main objective.Nothing else was as important.I learned to pray during the day and talk to others when I felt shakey or tempted.Day after day came and went.Days turned into weeks,weeks into months and months into years.

Can you stay sober just for today?
how about going to more than 3 meetings a week?Did you ever drink more than 3 days a week?Calling other AA`s?Stay immersed in the AA steps and fellowship and meetings

AA is a program of action,put all the action you can into your sobriety,today