Ekohe

I was doing great, a short term of unfortunate circumstances led to me isolating again and here I am. So after a month and a half again, here I am.

I have a plan that works, problem is after a while I stop incorporating all those things. I know exactly why and how. Which makes it seem like madness that I let me guard down, no one to blame but me.

DontRemember

Good for you! Getting complacent in early recovery was always my downfall. Be it booze,women,whatever..Whenever I stopped doing what was working, FOR ME,I'd fall back into old/toxic routines.

FreedomCA

It’s amazing you made it back!

SoberLeigh

It is really great to have you back with us, Ekohe.

Stay close, okay?

Dee74

Hi Ekohe - welcoem back

If you have a plan that works, then doesn't - maybe your plan doesn't work as well as you think, or maybe it doesn't actually do what you need it to do?

What leads you to stop posting here and all the other isolation?
how can you plan for that - what steps can you take to stay connected?

you can treat those questions as rhetorical if you like - I don't need to know, but you do

D

Ekohe

Promise to stay close this time around.

Hi again Dee, I get completely what you're saying, but the problem is after reflecting on it for quite some time that I sabotage myself every time I start to gain ground. It's like I enjoy suffering, or am too frightened to excel. I know exactly what works for me, what makes me happy, and after a while I just pull myself away from them again and end up at the starting line.

"like I enjoy suffering" Weird to write.

Gottalife

Glad you made t back. You have a plan that you have proven works for about 6 weeks, then your defenses fail. That seems to be what you are saying happened.

I had the same experience many times and the only thing I could conclude, given that the so called "decision" to drink was made against an incredible pile of evidence that I should not drink, evidence that was virtually absent from my mind at the critical moment, that it was in fact an act of madness, pure insanity, something I had no control (in the moment) over. There always came this certain time where logic, reason, desire, will power etc, failed me.

The choice part of the matter was about what I chose to do to provide such a defence. Strange as it may seem, I use a plan that has worked for 38 years without fail, that does not require me to be on constant guard, except in the sense that I avoid acidental ingestion of alcohol, and it has never occurred to me to drink no matter what life has thrown up. Somehow it has prevented the insanity of the fatal first drink from returning and, as a bonus, has given me a satisfying life.

It may be that the sense of satisfaction and purpose that I get from following this plan simply leaves no room for the kind of thinking that leads to the fatal first drink.

I would like to think I came up with the plan, but the reality is that I had been so stupified with the booze that deciding what socks to wear was a major decision. So inventing a plan to overcome a problem that had stumped the best minds in history wasn't really a realistic approach. So I pinched someone elses.

Hevyn

Good to see you, Ekohe - you are back with new resolve. I hope your Day 1 wasn't too painful - it never has to happen again.