Pablito1990

Hi people. This is my first post just joined this site so i hope this is the done thing. I feel i am in an absolotely impossible situation that i do not know how to get out of i cant see a way out and have become suicidal now which i dont say for effect, sadly its my truth. Been using drugs 16 years first ten was uppers last 6 downers. For the last 6 years i have been attending 12 step fellowships aa, ca, na trying to get off drugs for good because my using had become a problem and was no longer fun. I ended up on methadone and after many relapses back on heroin ive ended up at 130 mgs of methadone in the last year and half i have managed to reduce it down to 80 mgs becauae i keep getting a few months sober (just taking methadone) but i keep on relapsing and ending up back at 130mgs again. I have now relapsed wilst on 130mgs but i refuse to go any higher so starting tommorow i am going to go through withdrawal to stabalise on the 135mgs of methadone again. Now my problem is this. I know from attending meetings and reading litrarure that i am a real addict and i know i am powerless my experience of not being able to stay stopped shows me this. No one will sponsor me because i am on methadonw here in the uk it is said in the fellowships that you must be off methadonw and totally substance free to do the 12 steps which i can see in others enables them to permenently stay clean. So i have attempted 60 0000000 times to reduce my methadone dose every week i reduce 10 mgs with the intention of coming off it and doing the 12 steps. I have found it absolotely impossible to not relapse before i am able to reduce the methadone down low enough to come off it. And when i relapse i use so much opiates that i have to go back up to 130mgs again to avoid the horrific withdrawals. So no one will take me through the 12 steps so that my obssesion to use is lifted but i cant stay sober long enough to get off the methadone. I absolotely hate using. All it does is bring me absolote pain and it has stopped working completely and every time i take so much as 1 drug i end up using untill i have no money left. Bills cant get paid and i have no money to live yet after 2 or 3 months sober (just on methadone) i will beleive that i am just going to do 1 bag or im just going to smoke weed and not touch the smack or just a few vallium and everytime i end up in the same position. I cant even put into words how desperate i am to never uae drugs again i would even give one of my hands to stop using. If anybody out there has been in my situation and has managed to break free i would be for ever greatfull if you could give me some advice and tips please. Because i am scared that i truely feel asif suicide is my only way out of this. I am so sick and tierd of lying in bed suffering from opiate withdrawal when everyone else is out there enjoying life. Please some body anybody help me. Thanks for taking time to read this of you have its not something i could chop down into a couple of sentances. Thanks again. Pablo

Anna

Welcome and I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now.

I'm glad that you found us and that you are motivated to stop using drugs. I'm not in a 12 step program, but others will be along who can speak about that. Have you talked to your family doctor? It's possible that he/she may be able to advise you that you will be able to go through withdrawals, even though it will be very unpleasant.

courage2

Pablito, I'm glad you posted. I haven't been in your shoes with methadone and heroin, but I'm sure there's someone on this forum who has.

You sound like inpatient might help you. Have you looked into that in the UK? If you're suicidal, please call an emergency helpline. You might be admitted to a hospital, and bad as that sounds, there would be medical supervision for your withdrawal and maybe after-care.

Please hang in there!

soberista

Hello Pablito

I cant offer any advice as I havent ever used those drugs. It may sound pathetic as a piece of advice but have you read russell brand recovery? A very good book and he covers all addictions. May help. Sending support to you. Please phone the samaritans. They will be able to listen. They're open 24 hours a day, every day. Samaritans – for everyone. Call 116 123. Email jo@samaritans .org. Xx

saoutchik

Hi Pablito, welcome to SR. I'm another one who has no experience of coming off methadone (booze was my poison) so I hope someone who does reads this soon. Inpatient detox does sound like a good idea and in theory it should be available if "community detox" - essentially quitting on your own - has not worked.

Not sure if this would be any use for methadone but walking and activity in general hepled to reduce my alcohol cravings.

saoutchik

Hi Pablito, I just posted on your other thread, this seems to be a duplicate. I was going to suggest too that you take a look at the Drug Addiction and Methadone/Suboxone detox threads, I expect they get less traffic but there might be something helpful to you there as well as here on Newcomers.

Pablito1990

Thankyou all for replying to me. I cant affoard in patient and also in the area i live there is no detox or rehab center funded by the state so my only option is to do this through the 12 step fellowships realy.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Pablito
I merged your two threads into one- less confusing that way

My demon was alcohol mainly, but the support here really helped me - just knowing that I was part of a community of people who cared, and that I wasn't alone in all of this really helped - I hope it will help you too

D

Pablito1990

Thank u

Dascha

I got off Methadone...my top dose was 190...it took 5 years... I'm not familiar with AA or NA....I don't know their "rules" What I do know is it is entirely possible to leave it behind you. Just let the methadone work.

Gottalife

Hi Pablito, I am another that knows nothing of the drug world, but I know the AA program of recovery pretty well. As you obviously know, the program summary known as the 12 steps has been adapted to a number of different fellwoships like NA and CA, and some of these have their own program literature, and I have heard some are pretty rigid about certain things, and that may be necessary for the condition they are dealing with.

In AA, we have the steps on the wall, and the program of recovery set out in the Big Book. Maybe it translates to recovery from drug addiction and maybe it doesn't, but for what its worth, this is what it has to say for the alcoholci.

Alcoholics come to AA because they can't stop drinking. "We assume the reader wants to stop" is the nearest statement referring to not drinking. It does not say you must stop drinking before starting the steps. If we could do that, we would not need the steps. In examples of relapse and working with others, as well as Dr Bob's story, there are instances of relapse that are dealt with by finding out where things went wrong, what aspects of the program had been overlooked. Dr Bob had done all of the steps except one, and drank again. He then took the step he missed, and never drank again.

If I am working with a new comer, the book says, I need to know if they are alcoholic and if they desire to stop. Then we start on the program of recovery. That is the work of recovery. There may also be detox and medical help in the picture, but often there is not.

One of the sayings I sometimes here which makes sense to me is "We take the steps to recover, not the other way around."

I dont know if that is of any help. The other fellowships may have differences in their approach, and if they do, there will, no doubt, we compelling experience behind the differences.

OpioPhobe

I have plenty of experience with heroin, but I only used methadone short-term for at home detoxes.

How many people did you ask to sponsor you? I haven't personally sponsored anyone on methadone or suboxone, but I know people in NA in my area that started step work while on maintenence drugs. That might contradict the literature, but not helping someone contradicts the literature too.

If rehab isn't an option could you get in a psych ward? I have no idea how the UK health system works. It would seem like they would have to take you if you said you were suicidal. You might be able to stay there longer too. I would think a 28 day program would be a bit short coming off of long-term methadone anyway.

For what it is worth, I was an attempted suicide. It is a rough spot to be in, but I had to sink that low to be desperate enough to quit.

saoutchik

How are you doing today Pablito?

I hope you keep posting.