I Feel Haunted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I Feel Haunted
*sigh*
I'm so confused...
On the one hand, I truly, truly hate my AXBF. I hate that he recently violated the restraining order again. I hate that he is playing daddy by dating a woman with two children rather than being a father to his own daughter. I hate that in his narrative of our relationship I've been reduced to a crazy person who ruined his life.
But on the other hand, I feel so, so sad that he has almost completely been removed from my life. I hate that I can't have a normal conversation with him about what happened to us and get some closure. I hate that I can't share our inside jokes and laugh with him anymore. I hate that I can't ever call him to tell him the cute/funny/amazing thing our daughter did today.
I can never forgive him for abandoning our family, for choosing alcohol over us. But I still dream about him at night. He's a ghost; he haunts me.
When we first split up, I had these visions of us co-parenting our daughter amicably and having Friday night dinners as a family even if we weren't co-habitating. (I think I watch too much TV.) Now, I never interact with him, never, thanks to the restraining order. For over a year now, I've only ever seen him in court (four times), and if he even deigns to look at me in the courtroom, I can see it in his eyes that he hates me too. I have to see him again in about three weeks for our child support hearing. I dread seeing him again, quietly loathing me from across the room.
I know this is all for the best. I'm not romanticizing the past. I have no intentions of reconciling. I don't even know what I need from all of you...
I'm so confused...
On the one hand, I truly, truly hate my AXBF. I hate that he recently violated the restraining order again. I hate that he is playing daddy by dating a woman with two children rather than being a father to his own daughter. I hate that in his narrative of our relationship I've been reduced to a crazy person who ruined his life.
But on the other hand, I feel so, so sad that he has almost completely been removed from my life. I hate that I can't have a normal conversation with him about what happened to us and get some closure. I hate that I can't share our inside jokes and laugh with him anymore. I hate that I can't ever call him to tell him the cute/funny/amazing thing our daughter did today.
I can never forgive him for abandoning our family, for choosing alcohol over us. But I still dream about him at night. He's a ghost; he haunts me.
When we first split up, I had these visions of us co-parenting our daughter amicably and having Friday night dinners as a family even if we weren't co-habitating. (I think I watch too much TV.) Now, I never interact with him, never, thanks to the restraining order. For over a year now, I've only ever seen him in court (four times), and if he even deigns to look at me in the courtroom, I can see it in his eyes that he hates me too. I have to see him again in about three weeks for our child support hearing. I dread seeing him again, quietly loathing me from across the room.
I know this is all for the best. I'm not romanticizing the past. I have no intentions of reconciling. I don't even know what I need from all of you...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sometimes, we need to just put it out there. I remember when I would tell my friend things it was so that she could put it in a "box" for me, that I would open when I was able to deal with things.
Thank you for posting
(((((((hugs))))))
amy
Thank you for posting
(((((((hugs))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I was thinking tonight - why do I love someone so much that doesnt love me back the same he repeatedly hurts me and lies to me and I'm still fighting for him. It's so twisted. And the fantasy I have of us. And the reality that really is.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amusic….I think it is because we bond and make an emotional commitment to the fantasy.....The power of the bonding hormones of early attraction...(and, of course their best behaviors of that period)...provide fertile ground for us to weave a beautiful fantasy--all of our hopes and dreams...…
Such bonds are powerful (for good reasons) and imprinted deep in our psyche...in the parts of our brain that are not accessed by our conscious thinking....
Eventually, under certain circumstances, these bonds can become frayed and faded and even broken.....but, it is very very hard to do.....
It think that is one reason why it feel so confusing....a conflict between conscious and subconscious forces....
It is like asking the baby duck to explain, logically, why they just "feel" compelled to follow the first thing that moves, after they are hatched...lol...
I think that it is why it is so important to follow our head (the developed, thinking part of our brain that is in the prefrontal area of our brain ), when we have evidence that we are being harmed....
These are some of my own thoughts on this subject....lol...I realize that it probably won't make you feel any better....but, enough time and distance from this toxic situation will....
Such bonds are powerful (for good reasons) and imprinted deep in our psyche...in the parts of our brain that are not accessed by our conscious thinking....
Eventually, under certain circumstances, these bonds can become frayed and faded and even broken.....but, it is very very hard to do.....
It think that is one reason why it feel so confusing....a conflict between conscious and subconscious forces....
It is like asking the baby duck to explain, logically, why they just "feel" compelled to follow the first thing that moves, after they are hatched...lol...
I think that it is why it is so important to follow our head (the developed, thinking part of our brain that is in the prefrontal area of our brain ), when we have evidence that we are being harmed....
These are some of my own thoughts on this subject....lol...I realize that it probably won't make you feel any better....but, enough time and distance from this toxic situation will....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
To respond to what you say about "haunting"--here's a link to a thread I started when I was feeling "haunted" too. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-haunt-us.html (Ghosts Don't Haunt Us...)
This is the quote that I refer to in that thread--the original picture/quote was lost from the thread a while ago when the image hosting site went down.
This is the quote that I refer to in that thread--the original picture/quote was lost from the thread a while ago when the image hosting site went down.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Amusic 
I was thinking tonight - why do I love someone so much that doesnt love me back the same he repeatedly hurts me and lies to me and I'm still fighting for him. It's so twisted. And the fantasy I have of us. And the reality that really is.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Must have been the full moon ladies...because after my post about anger and wishing for him to be run over by a cement truck last week, I found myself feeling badly for him last evening. For just a little while.
He was supposed to move his stuff out this past weekend and in his true fashion, he didn’t pre-plan or make concrete arrangements and it all fell through. I extended myself only to a certain degree and let things fall apart truly at the eleventh hour because I just could not “fix” things for him again. I don’t want his things in any way, and would prefer to be rid of them, but this is not my responsibility. He created the situation. On top of that, I saw him and his side piece yesterday in my subdivision, which is troubling because we are nowhere near a main road and, to be up in here, you have to purposefully drive up in here.
I understand the feeling of “haunting” because I would see him in my dreams, too, for a long time. Sometimes he was nice, but mostly they were flashbacks of his alcoholic rages and abuse of me that I had recorded on my iPhone that came in the middle of the night and the dreams were so real. That does go away and I have them less frequently.
The restraining order and violations of it? Check. Now that I have moved on to the anger/cement truck, I guess I have somewhat accepted that he will never apologize or even admit what he did to me, even in the face of all the recorded evidence. He is a small and sad little man.
I hope this full moon passes quickly for all of us. Hang in there.
This is what I was listening to last night, which also didn’t help :/
https://youtu.be/Tv7p1LrBowg
He was supposed to move his stuff out this past weekend and in his true fashion, he didn’t pre-plan or make concrete arrangements and it all fell through. I extended myself only to a certain degree and let things fall apart truly at the eleventh hour because I just could not “fix” things for him again. I don’t want his things in any way, and would prefer to be rid of them, but this is not my responsibility. He created the situation. On top of that, I saw him and his side piece yesterday in my subdivision, which is troubling because we are nowhere near a main road and, to be up in here, you have to purposefully drive up in here.
I understand the feeling of “haunting” because I would see him in my dreams, too, for a long time. Sometimes he was nice, but mostly they were flashbacks of his alcoholic rages and abuse of me that I had recorded on my iPhone that came in the middle of the night and the dreams were so real. That does go away and I have them less frequently.
The restraining order and violations of it? Check. Now that I have moved on to the anger/cement truck, I guess I have somewhat accepted that he will never apologize or even admit what he did to me, even in the face of all the recorded evidence. He is a small and sad little man.
I hope this full moon passes quickly for all of us. Hang in there.
This is what I was listening to last night, which also didn’t help :/
https://youtu.be/Tv7p1LrBowg
Last edited by Leelee168; 09-23-2018 at 03:48 AM. Reason: Add link
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I didn't realize there was a full moon. But every time there has been is when I've noticed we have our worst fights. And right is one of the worst. Now he tells me he's not drunk when he is clearly intoxicated. There's never any reasoning with a drunk person anyway.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I totally get how you feel. You think of all the possibilities of what could be. It would be great that you both can coparent amicably. But the sad fact is that you can't force a person to be a responsible and active parent. It has taken me time to fully accept my situation and I still find it hard grasping all the ugly facts. My STBAXH has too choosen alcohol over our 10 year marriage and family. He also is dating a woman with two kids however, I'm not sure if he is playing the Daddy role in their life but he sure isn't playing Daddy to his own kids. The less you expect form your X the easier it is moving forward. It is what is it. I'm sorry you are going through this. All you can do now is be the strong stable parent your daughter needs. ((HUGS))
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Uk
Posts: 30
Know how you feel it is awful. But it does get better - something to look forward to in the future. If I find myself “daydreaming” I find it useful to look at a positive image just to remind myself that I got off...
Last edited by SHETRIM; 09-23-2018 at 12:42 PM. Reason: Picture link
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SH,
We all want to live happily ever after. We all want the picket fence, mom and dad living with the kids, be happy, no drama and no addiction. We all have a wish list.
Just think of taking him back and forgiving all that he has done, can you? Can you really forget and forgive? So you want something that I am sure if it was handed to you on a silver platter, that you still wouldn't trust it. You would still need/want more.
Give yourself some time to heal. What we all go through on SR is painful, we all want to move on and heal. Just like cancer patients with treatment, they say it takes years to get all the chemicals out of your system to finally feel right, its not over night. You will feel right, someday, just not today.
I would reach out to the police about the violation. If you don't call him out on disobeying the law he will continue to do it, its just what addicts do. I am sorry, but it is court ordered for a reason and if he hurts you and you tell them he has done it before, they won't be happy that you didn't respond before something severe happens.
Stay safe!!
We all want to live happily ever after. We all want the picket fence, mom and dad living with the kids, be happy, no drama and no addiction. We all have a wish list.
Just think of taking him back and forgiving all that he has done, can you? Can you really forget and forgive? So you want something that I am sure if it was handed to you on a silver platter, that you still wouldn't trust it. You would still need/want more.
Give yourself some time to heal. What we all go through on SR is painful, we all want to move on and heal. Just like cancer patients with treatment, they say it takes years to get all the chemicals out of your system to finally feel right, its not over night. You will feel right, someday, just not today.
I would reach out to the police about the violation. If you don't call him out on disobeying the law he will continue to do it, its just what addicts do. I am sorry, but it is court ordered for a reason and if he hurts you and you tell them he has done it before, they won't be happy that you didn't respond before something severe happens.
Stay safe!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Thank you to everyone for talking me off the edge. Whenever I have a long streak of good feelings, it throws me off when I get a sudden, unexpected rush of bad feelings, and I forget to just ride them like a wave. No need to panic.
I'm trying to remember to focus on all of the good in my life--because there is a lot of good: my beautiful, smart, funny daughter, my amazing mother who basically co-parents her with me three days out of the week, my health, my job that I really love, my generous and supportive friends who are more like sisters to me.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies (nevermind the fact that it stars the now-despised Kevin Spacey):
"I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."
I'm trying to remember to focus on all of the good in my life--because there is a lot of good: my beautiful, smart, funny daughter, my amazing mother who basically co-parents her with me three days out of the week, my health, my job that I really love, my generous and supportive friends who are more like sisters to me.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies (nevermind the fact that it stars the now-despised Kevin Spacey):
"I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
And to respond directly to maia, I absolutely reported his violation of the restraining order. There is no sense in having one if I don't use it.
I used to be afraid of poking the bear, partly because he can be so unpredictable and partly, if I'm being completely honest, because I didn't want him to hate me. Well, that ship has sailed, so now I just focus on doing what is best for me and my daughter.
I used to be afraid of poking the bear, partly because he can be so unpredictable and partly, if I'm being completely honest, because I didn't want him to hate me. Well, that ship has sailed, so now I just focus on doing what is best for me and my daughter.
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