Two weeks (again)
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 31
Two weeks (again)
Hey all.
Well, I officially hit two weeks sober again this morning. This was the point I picked up again last time so I'm staying pretty vigilant, but I have to say it feels a bit more stable this time around.
This post is partly to give a big thanks to everyone on this site for the support, love and courage to be honest. I've not posted much and the chat room is always dead when I'm about, but I've been reading the forums daily and find it a great help.
This is my second time on the great recovery journey. I did over six years without a drink in the past (although I was addicted to OTC opiates during that period so not really sober) then picked up after a relationship breakup, intending it to be a one-off, and crawled back into AA eight months later
So I know that time does not protect me. That said, when one has had a drink yesterday, it is easy to say "One more day won't hurt. I'll sort it out tomorrow" which is what I thought every day for eight months until recently. Now I've built up a tiny bit of distance from the last drink, it is a bigger deal to relapse.
Last time around, I made a lot of rookie mistakes in my recovery. I treated sober time like levelling up in a computer game and measured the quality of my sobriety by comparing how long I had been sober to other people. I built up a massive amount of resentments to people in AA and to the program and literature and, after about a year in the rooms, decided I didn't need it any more, had had enough of the big book bashers and left to go it alone.
It is quite funny really how we create our own realities around ourselves. When I had that negative attitude to AA, that was all I ever saw. This time round, with a slightly more open mind and being a bit more secure in my own (humanist, agnostic) beliefs, I am having a completely different experience. Everyone is accepting and tolerant. There are as many different belief systems as there are members.
I'm fairly sure AA didn't change much in the five years I was away so I'm pretty confident that I was pretty much the whole problem last time
Rambling a bit here. Bear with me or move along. It is nice to get things out.
I've been pretty damn fed up today, for no particular reason I could identify. Fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday and woke up at 4am, wide awake and unable to get back to sleep, so I was down in McDonald's with my laptop at 5am working. My mood dropped through the floor a few hours later when I went to meet friends for coffee but I was likely just tired and hungry. I've eaten and had a nap since and I feel a lot better.
The main thing though is that at no point in the miserable morning was I anywhere near picking up a drink. There were a couple of thoughts that crossed my mind but nothing with any power in it. I haven't felt a serious compulsion to drink in well over a week now. Not to say I won't today, or tomorrow, or whenever. I know it comes back when I least expect it. But so far, today, I have felt like crap and not needed to drink on it.
The truth, since I am rambling, is that I was very much stuck in self and self-pity this morning. I was hoping to bump into someone else who needed some attention or time as that is normally the best solution but it wasn't to be. I do struggle to maintain gratitude and perspective when I get in moods like this. I should probably regulate my sleeping and diet in a more grown-up manner really. Simple solutions for a complicated alcoholic.
I nearly went to a SMART meeting today but it started a lot earlier than I thought so I didn't bother walking in halfway through. I'm not really sure how well going to SMART will work alongside the amount of AA I do. From what I understand, there is a certain amount of difference between the two approaches and I'm not quite sure how that will work out. There is another SMART on Tuesday afternoon locally that doesn't clash with work or AA meetings so perhaps I'll give that a try.
Anyone here have any experience of doing SMART and AA at the same time they'd be willing to share? Thanks.
I'm blessed with a car this time around the sobriety tree so I'm giving a few people lifts to meetings at the moment which is nice. Nice to give back but also helpful because I am a lazy so and so and many times the only reason I have got out of bed and made it to evening meetings is because I'd promised lifts to people so it is very useful for me too
Off to a lovely meeting that is chaired by my sponsor in a few hours. I'm making at least one meeting a day. I'm also now, at the suggestion of my sponsor, trying to do a daily written inventory before bed which is really highlighting how dull and uneventful my life is.
He has also suggested it might be a good idea if I stop picking fights with total strangers on Facebook and debating politics and the dreaded Brexit which I am finding a struggle. I always did suffer from the alcoholic character defect of insisting I am right about everything. I am aware of how well that worked out over the last thirty years and have no illusions, but I am finding it hard to squash that one. I don't want sobriety to completely take away my character but I would certainly benefit from stopping and thinking a little before I post.
I'm using the AA Discord chat app a lot. It is a really nice community and a great place to hang out online. Come join us if you fancy it.
I'm still struggling to relax and spend time on my own at home. I'm aware I am using my super-human ability to sleep absurd amounts to escape and avoid a "normal" life but I guess that is okay in the early days. I seem to remember this normalised after a while last time around so I imagine this will heal itself when the time is right.
I didn't intend to ramble on quite this much but was hard to stop once I started so thanks to anyone who has made it this far.
tl;dr - Sobriety is not all roses and butterflies, but it is unimaginably better than being drunk.
Well, I officially hit two weeks sober again this morning. This was the point I picked up again last time so I'm staying pretty vigilant, but I have to say it feels a bit more stable this time around.
This post is partly to give a big thanks to everyone on this site for the support, love and courage to be honest. I've not posted much and the chat room is always dead when I'm about, but I've been reading the forums daily and find it a great help.
This is my second time on the great recovery journey. I did over six years without a drink in the past (although I was addicted to OTC opiates during that period so not really sober) then picked up after a relationship breakup, intending it to be a one-off, and crawled back into AA eight months later
So I know that time does not protect me. That said, when one has had a drink yesterday, it is easy to say "One more day won't hurt. I'll sort it out tomorrow" which is what I thought every day for eight months until recently. Now I've built up a tiny bit of distance from the last drink, it is a bigger deal to relapse.
Last time around, I made a lot of rookie mistakes in my recovery. I treated sober time like levelling up in a computer game and measured the quality of my sobriety by comparing how long I had been sober to other people. I built up a massive amount of resentments to people in AA and to the program and literature and, after about a year in the rooms, decided I didn't need it any more, had had enough of the big book bashers and left to go it alone.
It is quite funny really how we create our own realities around ourselves. When I had that negative attitude to AA, that was all I ever saw. This time round, with a slightly more open mind and being a bit more secure in my own (humanist, agnostic) beliefs, I am having a completely different experience. Everyone is accepting and tolerant. There are as many different belief systems as there are members.
I'm fairly sure AA didn't change much in the five years I was away so I'm pretty confident that I was pretty much the whole problem last time
Rambling a bit here. Bear with me or move along. It is nice to get things out.
I've been pretty damn fed up today, for no particular reason I could identify. Fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday and woke up at 4am, wide awake and unable to get back to sleep, so I was down in McDonald's with my laptop at 5am working. My mood dropped through the floor a few hours later when I went to meet friends for coffee but I was likely just tired and hungry. I've eaten and had a nap since and I feel a lot better.
The main thing though is that at no point in the miserable morning was I anywhere near picking up a drink. There were a couple of thoughts that crossed my mind but nothing with any power in it. I haven't felt a serious compulsion to drink in well over a week now. Not to say I won't today, or tomorrow, or whenever. I know it comes back when I least expect it. But so far, today, I have felt like crap and not needed to drink on it.
The truth, since I am rambling, is that I was very much stuck in self and self-pity this morning. I was hoping to bump into someone else who needed some attention or time as that is normally the best solution but it wasn't to be. I do struggle to maintain gratitude and perspective when I get in moods like this. I should probably regulate my sleeping and diet in a more grown-up manner really. Simple solutions for a complicated alcoholic.
I nearly went to a SMART meeting today but it started a lot earlier than I thought so I didn't bother walking in halfway through. I'm not really sure how well going to SMART will work alongside the amount of AA I do. From what I understand, there is a certain amount of difference between the two approaches and I'm not quite sure how that will work out. There is another SMART on Tuesday afternoon locally that doesn't clash with work or AA meetings so perhaps I'll give that a try.
Anyone here have any experience of doing SMART and AA at the same time they'd be willing to share? Thanks.
I'm blessed with a car this time around the sobriety tree so I'm giving a few people lifts to meetings at the moment which is nice. Nice to give back but also helpful because I am a lazy so and so and many times the only reason I have got out of bed and made it to evening meetings is because I'd promised lifts to people so it is very useful for me too
Off to a lovely meeting that is chaired by my sponsor in a few hours. I'm making at least one meeting a day. I'm also now, at the suggestion of my sponsor, trying to do a daily written inventory before bed which is really highlighting how dull and uneventful my life is.
He has also suggested it might be a good idea if I stop picking fights with total strangers on Facebook and debating politics and the dreaded Brexit which I am finding a struggle. I always did suffer from the alcoholic character defect of insisting I am right about everything. I am aware of how well that worked out over the last thirty years and have no illusions, but I am finding it hard to squash that one. I don't want sobriety to completely take away my character but I would certainly benefit from stopping and thinking a little before I post.
I'm using the AA Discord chat app a lot. It is a really nice community and a great place to hang out online. Come join us if you fancy it.
I'm still struggling to relax and spend time on my own at home. I'm aware I am using my super-human ability to sleep absurd amounts to escape and avoid a "normal" life but I guess that is okay in the early days. I seem to remember this normalised after a while last time around so I imagine this will heal itself when the time is right.
I didn't intend to ramble on quite this much but was hard to stop once I started so thanks to anyone who has made it this far.
tl;dr - Sobriety is not all roses and butterflies, but it is unimaginably better than being drunk.
Last edited by Dee74; 09-22-2018 at 04:20 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Sobriety is not all roses and butterflies, but it is unimaginably better than being drunk.
Sobriety is a journey. Be sure to take in the roses and butterflies along the way because they are important. Drinking took that ability away but sobriety gave it back.
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