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I’m done having the conversation

Old 09-20-2018, 03:01 PM
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I’m done having the conversation

Hello All
Day 37 here

Just wanted to share my current mindset and hear some thoughts feedback

My life is the best it has ever been, in all areas, mainly due to sobriety
I am 25 years old
Had 7 months sober until February 2018 and had bouts of sobriety until 37 days ago when I truly re committed

Here are my thoughts:

I do not want to drink
Ever again. It’s that simple
I love everything about sobriety and it’s painfully obvious that this has always been what’s best for me

My only issue is fear
Fear of the future
Fear of a relapse
Fear of what “would happen” if I did drink
I was able to successfully moderate 90/100 times
9/100 times I failed to moderate
1/100 I did something horrible and nearly tragic

It’s that 10% that is why I will stay sober
I can’t afford the once in awhile disaster because the damage lingers sometimes for years from a single slip

So my AV voice says
“You are committed to sobriety, but this fear is scary. Why don’t you DRINK just once or maybe for a weekend, remind yourself you can handle it 90% of the time, reassure yourself that the odds are in your favor so that you don’t have to live in fear of relapse !”

Wow AV! Thanks for that horrible irrational nonsense of advice

You see, I have severe clinical OCD (heavy drinking was an escape since teen years) and I often engage in ritualistic “testing behavior”

For example
Before I quit drinking I did about a dozen exposures to “prove control”

I drank exactly 4 drinks
Exactly 3
Exactly 1
1 beer , 2 shots of tequila, another beer
Only wine
Many different “tests” to get over my fear of that “1 in a 100” tragic event from a relapse

I successfully completed this irrational obsessive testing and quit

But the trick behind the OCD voice is the same as the AV
the compulsion never relieves the obsession

So today, I am using spiritual presence and AWARENESS to operate above the logic of the mind and make a CHOICE to simply not drink regardless

Because if I ENGAGE in the conversation with my OCD voice or my AV, then I start over

Drinking safely TODAY can never GUARANTEE my future
It can’t destroy the fear of relapse

Drinking exactly 3 beers doesn’t prove I can moderate
Moderating successfully 90% of the time doesn’t give a certainly safe future

But the funny thing I’ve learned over the past 18 months or so

NONE OF US, alcoholics or not, have a certain future

And for that reason, I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY or any day

I am stepping into the fear
A total LET GO
Maybe I will relapse
Maybe I will commit a tragic mistake
But I must surrender my concept of safety to Life itself

And remember that no matter what, a drink today is never the answer
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Old 09-20-2018, 03:12 PM
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Other points:

For context, see my other thread titled “how do I accept that I am capable of anything when drunk?”

And another thing that helps me have COURAGE today

I imagine that thousands and thousands of people relapse everyday
And I don’t want to undermine the dangers of addiction, it can ruin and end lives

But I imagine that most people do not die or make an irreversible mistake that sends them to prison for life just because they relapsed

Otherwise
Sites like this and AA meetings wouldn’t exist
Every addict would be dead or in prison for life
So I choose to believe this (instead of my irrational and fearful obsessive thinking):
If I did relapse, I have faith in myself and trust in my subconscious mind and trust in the universe that
I WOULD recover again and something deep within me would prevent myself from making an irreversible mistake
I WOULD be one of the many who rise up and overcome the relapse
And if I’m wrong, I will bravely accept that because that must be the nature of the universe

These thoughts keep me hopeful
Thanks all
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Old 09-20-2018, 03:33 PM
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Congratulations on your decision.
I’m sure you’ll find, simply because it is true, that is easier , healthier, and happier to live and enjoy your life with zero alcohol, then it would be to have to spend the rest of your life bargaining, negotiating and trying to keep free of self imposed harm by indulging the desire.

Learning about AVRT, great threads on these ideas here on SR in the Secular Recovery forum, helped me by showing me how to stop having that conversation.

How to live comfortably with residual desire , if you haven’t already I’d suggest you check it out , from your post it seems like a good fit.

Congrats again , Rootin for ya
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Old 09-20-2018, 04:18 PM
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After getting a few weeks under my belt, I came to realize how downright liberating it was to be able to stop thinking about it, doing those "tests," constantly worrying about different aspects of my drinking life, and just be able to say - to myself mostly - I. Do. Not. Drink. That alone cut out so much stress. Congrats on your progress and thanks for making so many great points!
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Old 09-20-2018, 09:57 PM
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Mine wasn't I don't want to drink.

It was I will not drink. Ever.

And saying "I am no longer a drinker." Drinking is past tense.

Everyone's different. My own version of AVRT was, I think, the strongest tool in my sobriety kit. The "Big Plan" just kinda happened. I read about AVRT and RR after I'd already decided that I wasn't going to drink any more.

Pay attention to your sobriety and how good you feel. The fleeting pleasures of a drink or two can't hold a candle to the presence in the moment that sobriety brings.

I bet you will also find your OCD issues under control, and I also bet that any medication that you take for it will be more effective if it's not fighting with alcohol and regular withdrawal.
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Old 09-20-2018, 10:44 PM
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I'm glad you're facing those fears SoberFitness - most of them will prove to be phantoms anyway, and the rest will look much smaller in the light

D
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