DBCooper

Hi all,

My girlfriend (and one time fiance') just returned from a transitional house last weekend. I'm playing it by ear, but she's staying at my house right now. I realize relationships are generally considered a bad idea in the first year of recovery; but I genuinely think this may be an exception.

Our cohabitation history began with her making a valiant attempt at recovery here back in 2015; she was doing well, a couple months clean, when she asked me to let a friend of hers stay with us for a few days to dry out. I made a disastrous mistake there in agreeing to it, and the two of them being together lead straight to a relapse. I tried to be positive and supportive, but ended up becoming an enabler, and I know I share in the blame for how things went. I let her down, and other than trying to help her help her friend, I still don't fully understand what I should have done differently. The only real addiction I have personal experience with is nicotine; I know I cannot fully understand opiate addiction. At least I'm now better prepared to avoid underestimating it.

For most of the past three years, she had been spiraling out of control, and she hit bottom in February. During all of that, I never saw or heard from her, just a few text communications. I made it as clear as I could, that I knew I made mistakes too, and that I didn't (and don't) blame her for what happened. She felt too ashamed of what she had sunk into, to really have any contact with me. Since February, she's been through the legal system and a transitional living house. She was free to leave in mid July, but she chose to keep herself on lockdown another couple months to get a little more time between her and her last use. At the point when she freely chose to stay for the last two months, she began to reconnect with a few people who she had been too ashamed to even speak to, me being one of them. In that time, she's come a long way in regaining her self respect, and I'm so proud of what she's accomplished. She's currently 7 months clean, and she's learned a lot about not being invincible, and that she can still care about friends of hers who are addicts, but to admit that she simply cannot have them in her life without endangering her progress and well-being.

Since I picked her up last Saturday morning, she's been struggling a little to readjust to life, and re-establish a new routine. We've found a different local NA meeting for her to attend every evening. She wants to do 365 meetings in 365 days, and it's going to take a whole rotation of different groups to do that. Plus every group is different, so it's probably a good idea for her to 'shop around' to find ones that are a good fit. She's at one right now; and it was her suggestion that I think about hitting some local al-anon meetings. She may well be right; It's my job to provide the best environment I can for her, and I'm the first to admit that I've made mistakes. It scares me that when I think back through each decision, I can't say I'd do very many things differently. I must learn from my own mistakes, but not mistake the good decisions for bad, and take the wrong lessons either. They say failure is the best teacher... but sometimes it feels like failure speaks a language I can only make out a few words of

Anyway, after way too much introduction, I've got a specific question I'd like some opinions on...

She's got a few opportunities to do cash jobs cleaning, and it's important to her to earn the money to straighten out her drivers license and get a car again, and then find a regular job once she has transportation. She's always been very independent, productive, and hard working; and it's part of how she sees herself. While I respect her independence and drive, and I know she's now focused only on getting her own life straight, is there anything I can do to help her avoid having a weak moment while she's out ? I'm not her jailor, nor would I ever want to be. But the thought of her using while she's away scares me, and if I were failing to provide some kind of structure there, I'd blame myself for letting her down.

What degree of trust from me is healthy for her ? I need to figure out how best to positively reinforce her making good decisions. Am I wrong to treat trust as a clean slate ? I feel like anything short of that would devalue the effort she's put in and all she's been through; and the fact is that her commitment to sobriety has to come from within. I couldn't force it on her, even if I were okay with controlling her, which I'm just not.

I'm thinking the most appropriate course of action for me is to put a weekly whiz quiz in place, and require clean results as a condition of staying at my place. I'm thinking that protects us both.

For her, it provides a shorter term disincentive for relapse. I hope it's easier to resist an urge if she knows the price would be leaving my place until she can provide a clean sample. The default consequence is *maybe* having to drop for her PO in the next month... and her PO didn't even make her drop for her first appointment. Not a good start.

For me, it would ensure that I don't have my home, my life, and my well-being exposed to a practicing addict. She will always be a recovering addict, I accept that, and am willing to be very supportive in that. But there's a big thick bright red line between a recovering addict and a practicing addict in my mind. Particularly one who I've already let inside my normally impenetrable emotional defenses.

Additionally, I need to make sure she's following up on getting her work life back in order. I hope we remain together and grow together, but I never want her to be staying with me just because she doesn't have the resources to leave if she wanted. I want to be a nurturer, not a jailor.

I hope these make a good start to avoiding the mistakes I made three years ago, that lead to her rough road and my bankruptcy. Because that's no longer an option for me, and riding that elevator into the basement isn't something I owe anyone, regardless of how much I care about her.

Wow, sorry for running so long there

suki44883

No. You should not. In the most gentle way possible, I say...These are not your responsibilities. It is not your place to make sure she does what you think she is supposed to do. She is an adult and if she wants to do these things, that is fine. If not, that is her right.

I must say that if I had someone attempting to direct my every move, I would be highly offended. Again, not said to be rude but...you are coming off like a prison guard. Way, way too domineering.

Perhaps it's best if the two of you don't live together. I don't see this situation ending well if you try to do what you are suggesting.

DBCooper

Thanks Suki, I really don't want to bounce from the 'anything goes' atmosphere that I didn't do anything to prevent, to an overbearing one. I hope you can understand, I've got no want or need to be controlling. I'm only trying to get a feel for the best way to protect myself from the destruction of a possible relapse, and do anything I can to support her in things she does that help her avoid one.

She mentioned to me last night that all three of the girls she had talked to from treatment had fallen off the wagon within just a few days I admit it shocked me to hear that.

suki44883

I suggest you find an al anon meeting nearby and start going. It is important to know what is "your" place and what his hers. Read around the forum. There are "stickie" posts at the top of each forum with valuable information. Learn about boundaries, which are essential if you live with an addict.

August252015

No, you shouldn't.

trailmix

To answer your question, no.

As for what degree of trust from you is healthy for her, that's unanswerable.

Your thoughts on this seem to be in direct conflict. In one place you say " I feel like anything short of that would devalue the effort she's put in and all she's been through (regarding clean slate trust) then you talk about weekly drug testing.

Unless i'm missing something here these two statements contradict each other.

You seem rather analytical and I think you would like to have a flow chart here but it doesn't work that way in relationships really.

I agree with Suki and your GF that Al-Anon would be a really good idea.

You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it

least

I would not do it either. Too much like a policeman.

Ann

I think you honestly believe that, and I know you have a huge desire for her to remain clean. The thing is, her recovery is not yours to control, nor is her life choices. That's a hard pill to swallow.

When my son was in deep addiction, I tried to direct him back to recovery, at any cost. When he was clean (he once had 3 years clean), I thought it was up to me to make sure he stuck with the program and stayed clean....he was a grown man, not a child, and his life was just NOT mine to control, no matter how much I loved him.

If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. What happens is that when we try to control their recovery and their lives, we spend all our focus and energy directing, checking up on, and planning all moves they make...and we lose complete sight of ourselves in the process. It becomes an obsession, much like addiction, we simply HAVE to save them or they may die...go to jail...lose their minds. WE feel responsible for what THEY choose to do. The thing is, "we" are not the solution and we may very well end up being part of the problem if we try to interfere. Support and encouragement have nothing to do with control, until we know the difference we are wise to stand wayyyy back and let things unfold without us.

Her recovery will require a lot of adjusting for her, and a lot of time and energy to work her program. You may feel excluded, you may feel unappreciated, but the thing is, her life depends on her recovery and not on you. She will have choices to make, and good or bad, decisions that she alone can make. She may relapse and she may continue the cycle, or she may stay clean the rest of her life. Even she doesn't know which way it will go for her, she is doing this one day at a time.

What helped me to let go of trying to control my son's life was to find meetings of my own, Al-anon and CoDA were the two fellowships that helped me most. These programs were not about my son or the substance he used, they were about ME, learning to live a healthier life, to set boudaries and enforce them, and to be happy...no matter how my son's recovery or relapse unfolded.

My suggestion would be to find some meetings and go, and go again and again until they start to make sense to you. Then come back and read this thread and you will "get" what we all are saying here and that we say it sharing our own experience, strength and hope fully knowing that you are free to take what you want, and leave the rest.

Drug tests? They are demeaning to the person taking them and to the person insisting on giving them. They can be faked, they can be "explained" if positive (I had poppy seeds on my bagel this morning...it's a faulty test...that's drugs left in my system from before...) and they serve no useful purpose for us. We are not the drug police.

Good luck to you, I hope you give both of you more space and time so you each can focus on your own recoveries.

doggonecarl

Nor do you seem to understand being "addicted" to the addict in our life. Take your GF's suggestion...seek out an Al-anon meeting.

OpheliaKatz

Drug tests? Nope. Too controlling. Either you trust her or don't. The reality is that you do not currently trust her -- this is not necessarily a bad thing, but you can't force trust out of a situation where there is none. Agree with everyone here. Please consider living separately and having some physical and emotional boundaries until she figures her life out. You are not supposed to "nurture" her recovery, that's her business, not yours. Please consider Alanon.

OpheliaKatz

You should protect yourself from a possible relapse... but the only person you can control is you. You can't control when, if, how she relapses. That's on her. So what do you do in this situation? If I were you, I would not live with her while she is in a volatile, unpredictable state.

You need to respect her choice to live as she pleases even if she chooses to use drugs... no matter the consequences. She will be ready to quit when she is ready to quit. She may or may not relapse. Not your choice. Her choice.

hopeful4

This. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. That does not mean leaving sober living into a mans house. Bad idea for both of you. I would try Alanon or Celebrate Recovery.

I wish you all the best.

atalose

I need to, I’m thinking, I need to

YOU cannot THINK her clean or maintain her sobriety with YOUR thoughts or actions.

Drug testing - …………

You want reassurances that she is not going to use again and you are thinking of using manipulating/controlling behaviors in order to bring yourself some kind of relief with that, and that never works. Besides addicts are masters at passing those tests.

YES

.

And can you easily spot the difference? Can you easily spot active addiction? Addict behavior?

That’s the best thinking you’ve had so far! along with coming here to SR! lol
I hope you stick around, lots to learn here.

DBCooper

Thanks a million all. It's a relief to see the consensus isn't that I should go outside my own comfort zone to verify she's staying clean. I will work on recognizing potential red flags, but as has been pointed out, what will be will be. If it's ok for me to be at peace with that without feeling guilty like too permissive an atmosphere could be bad, then that's a load off my mind.

As far as whether she stays at my place or goes elsewhere, I did offer, but didn't ask her to stay at my place. I haven't pressured her at all, either way. Honestly last weekend I thought we were just spending her first day out together to celebrate, and that she had another place lined up. But I had offered, and obviously we do enjoy one anothers' company, so I certainly haven't got any objections.

I just all of a sudden had to figure out what responsibilities I had taken on wrt her environment now, and what things I might or might not have neglected before. I'm not into repeating mistakes; my higher power is cause and effect. Doing the same things and expecting different results isn't rational. HOWEVER, that's not to say any given action (or inaction) on my part caused any given result. I admit I don't know.

Obviously I can't *make* her recovery succeed, but I sure could harm it, and though I am in a much better position now to not be harmed as much if she relapses, the stakes for her are just as high, if not more so. I could wash my hands of her situation; she doesn't have that luxury.

I can't ultimately be responsible for her success, that's for her to accomplish, and for her to be proud of. But I do have responsibilities to her, and I know I need to identify those and take them seriously.

If putting a testing routine into practice (a violation of my own comfort zone, but an acceptable one if she needed it) is widely agreed NOT to be a good idea, then I can breathe a sigh of relief and feel fine defending the position if/when challenged on it by family. At least I have more to stand on, than just saying I didn't feel comfortable asking it of her

atalose

So prior to you offering hr place to live, what was her plan? Where was she expecting to go live after leaving transitional housing? I would think a sure plan would have been in place prior to her leaving.

AnvilheadII

It's my job to provide the best environment I can for her,

are we talking about your minor child or fully grown adult woman?

granted not having an open bottle of jack daniels on the kitchen counter, a fresh bag of weed and whatever her DOC was out and available are things you can do to respect her sobriety......but you are not her life coach, nor her sobriety counselor, your home is your home not a rehab center, and everyone should have to abide by the same rules. no special rules due to her special problem.

if you don't trust, then she shouldn't be living with you, period.
would you continue to share your home with a roommate you did not trust, who maybe was slipping 20s out of your wallet when you weren't looking, or helping themselves to some of the electronics to pawn? you wouldn't make them past some "test" - you'd simply not have them living with you anymore.

same rules apply here,

i'm gonna say jobs that pay cash in hand can be bad news for an active addict, or a barely sober one. i understand that sometimes ones life experiences prevent them from securing full time on the clock employment.

August252015

I just have to say that the responses from Ann and others of you who are the non-addict are amazing. I'm an alcoholic, now sober two and a half years, and put my parents through hell (as an adult in my 30s btw). A lot of the things and issues mentioned above (including the ridiculous for all of us experiment they tried with breathalyzing me) are things we went through. On the flip side, I grew up from 11 through college with a lot of privilege....and a ton of chaos caused by my mother's alcoholism. Our family has run the gamut of dealing with addiction in helpful and terribly unhelpful ways, to those of us in any role.

The bottom line is like Ann said- if love was a cure, not a one of us would be here. No one but the alcoholic/addict can choose to get sober. And the only one of us, the user or the family member, can choose to live in chaos (which is the reality of active addiction) or....not, is ourselves. I had to choose to live, not die, and rebuild my life from that point. My parents have to choose how they each want to live in their own rcovery and with a now sober adult child.

This is complicated and often fatal stuff. It takes a lot of work for any one of us to get to a healthy point for ourselves, then where we can be for others.

DBCooper

Obviously not. But since I'm not currently the only person in the house, it doesn't hurt to use a glass instead of swigging milk from the jug, check to see if she's on the phone before blasting a song on the stereo, stay up a little longer and keep the phone close in case she needs a lift back after a 10:00 NA group, be willing to stay out of a room for a while if she needs, or not leave and lock the place up if she's out and left her key on the counter... just avoiding causing undue stress. I usually need no rules, since nobody else but the dogs are here anyway.

Her DOC isn't a problem; I haven't just had surgery or any kind of severe pain issue that opiates would be prescribed for, I rarely drink alcohol, and I quit after I figured I had smoked my share of the world's weed supply

Nope. Even at her worst, she never once took anything from me without asking. I haven't got any reason not to trust her in that regard.

I tend to agree with you there; but how she goes about tackling her finances is outside of my bounds, it's her business.I give my opinion on a case by case basis when she mentions them to me, but ultimately she's going to do what she thinks is best. I hope she doesn't put herself in one too many tempting situations, but all I can do is trust that she either avoids them or copes with them without giving in.

AnvilheadII

perhaps you need to give full and careful consideration to what YOU will do if she does get loaded............be that booze or pills or whatever. what is your line in the sand? your boundary?

my point is that as SOME level you do not trust her.....you are willing to make her pee on a stick to PROVE to you she is not using. that doesn't sound very trusting, does it? suddenly your front door becomes like a TSA security check point, shoes off, arms up, wave the wand. i get WHY you considered this, and hell, it's your house, your rules and if you want to drug test your guests/roommates, then so be it. i just don't think it will have the hoped for OUTCOME.

it won't keep her clean. it won't even give you peace of mind, cuz tests can be rigged/fooled. and even if it came up dirty....the famous text book reply of almost every addict who gets busted is....well the test must be faulty, because i SWEAR on my mother's grave i haven't been using.

if i understood the story correctly, you haven't really seen or heard from this person in THREE years? til recently? lots can change in three years. especially for addicts....we call them the YETS.....hadn't lost a job.....yet. hadn't stole from anyone...........yet. hadn't got a DUI.......yet.

DBCooper

I was considering it, and yes, starting to make a case to myself for it, because it was something she suggested we do with her friend back in 2015, and then changed her mind on. (It was her friend, not mine, so I tried to let her steer while I pushed) There's no way to know, but possibly if we had followed through on it back then, her friend would either have left to avoid it, or we'd have had to make her go before her use dragged my gf down too. A woulda, coulda, .... maybe shoulda?, so to speak.

If I can rule it out as a 'shoulda', then that's good, and I move on, comfortable that not doing it isn't negligece on my part.

And no, I hadn't had anything but text contact with her since July of 2016, and little contact in the 8 months before that. In late 2015 she admitted to me that she had relapsed and was spinning out of control, there wasn't anything I could do, and left on her own to spare me any more of the destruction of it.

I didn't stop caring for her, but I let go and cleaned my own life up in the interim. I never cared to get involved with anyone in that time. Frankly, not some kind of resentment, just appreciating the simplicity and peace and quiet that comes with freedom from entanglements.

When she contacted me from rehab, I was happy to hear she was facing her demons, both her addiction and her codependency (she ran herself into the ground as well trying to help out her friends). Trying to function through it all had her balancing downers with uppers, up for days on end, the whole nine yards.

And you're right, I have to be firm with myself and with her as far as what happens if she does start using again. If that happens, then it has to be time to talk about what her plan was if she didn't stay here. Not 'have a nice life', but sharing this place together is only for the drug free version of yourself, however is the glass half full way of putting it.