Child Custody Questions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Child Custody Questions
I’m going back to court and fighting for supervised / no overnight custody with XAH. He is going to continue to push for more even if this gets approved. Do you guys have stipulations in your agreements that if he is good for X period of time or completes X programs than he can get more time or less restricted (overnights back or unsupervised) custody?? I really just don’t know what I would feel comfortable with him doing at this point that would indicate he is “better” and deserves more time. But I don’t want to keep going back to court every 6 Mo either.
Let me know what you guys have seen please!!
Let me know what you guys have seen please!!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, batchel9. AXH lost all visitation rights with DS until he complies with court requirements, and hasn't seen DS in years. Before that, though, he had supervised visits and the judge told him that it could be revised "later." A timeframe/limit wasn't set. The court essentially told both of us that *this* is the arrangement now, that if we wanted the arrangements changed, we had to go back in and talk to him. That is, if I thought it needed to be restricted more, I had to file and explain why. If AXH thought he'd met the court's requirements and been sober for a while, he had to go back in and talk about what he's done.
The uncertainty messed with my sense of security for a while. It took a long time for me to see that 1. AXH was unlikely to do what he was supposed to do (pay child support, get treatment for his addiction/alcoholism, participate in a program for abusive partners), or 2. be willing to talk about it. Essentially, the judge set up a system where I could realize I had more power to keep DS safe than I thought I had. I don't know if that's standard operating procedure in our state, or elsewhere, or even if the judge did that regularly (or if we were something of an experiment).
I'm not sure if that helps or not. But if you're not comfortable setting a time frame, maybe something similar could be spelled out?
The uncertainty messed with my sense of security for a while. It took a long time for me to see that 1. AXH was unlikely to do what he was supposed to do (pay child support, get treatment for his addiction/alcoholism, participate in a program for abusive partners), or 2. be willing to talk about it. Essentially, the judge set up a system where I could realize I had more power to keep DS safe than I thought I had. I don't know if that's standard operating procedure in our state, or elsewhere, or even if the judge did that regularly (or if we were something of an experiment).
I'm not sure if that helps or not. But if you're not comfortable setting a time frame, maybe something similar could be spelled out?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello!
I have restrictions in my divorce decree, however what I did not do adequately enough is put stipulations in for what happens when he fails. In other words, my children and I are left policing him on my own. Not fun.
The family courts differ so much from one area to the next. I encourage you to find an attorney who knows about how a judge will handle such things, and who is very familiar with addiction issues.
Sasha will step in here later I am sure, she has a set up similar to what you are talking about and can guide you possibly.
Big hugs!
I have restrictions in my divorce decree, however what I did not do adequately enough is put stipulations in for what happens when he fails. In other words, my children and I are left policing him on my own. Not fun.
The family courts differ so much from one area to the next. I encourage you to find an attorney who knows about how a judge will handle such things, and who is very familiar with addiction issues.
Sasha will step in here later I am sure, she has a set up similar to what you are talking about and can guide you possibly.
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi Batchel,
Mine is the same as theuncertainty described. Except my xah has not legally lost all visitation rights at this point. I would need to go back to court to request it and to be honest, I am on the fence for doing so, even though it would most likely be granted. XAH has not exercised a visitation in almost two full years. He does not pay child support. In my experience, XAH did not view the visitation time worth it for all the work he would have to put in ... drug/alcohol testing, setting up the visitation with court appointed professional supervisor, paying for it, etc.
If the court allows it, setting up supervised visitations indefinitely would be the way to go. If your xah started getting his life in order he can take you back to court, and petition to have the visitations changed.
Hugs to you. It is not easy but you are doing the right things to protect your children.
Mine is the same as theuncertainty described. Except my xah has not legally lost all visitation rights at this point. I would need to go back to court to request it and to be honest, I am on the fence for doing so, even though it would most likely be granted. XAH has not exercised a visitation in almost two full years. He does not pay child support. In my experience, XAH did not view the visitation time worth it for all the work he would have to put in ... drug/alcohol testing, setting up the visitation with court appointed professional supervisor, paying for it, etc.
If the court allows it, setting up supervised visitations indefinitely would be the way to go. If your xah started getting his life in order he can take you back to court, and petition to have the visitations changed.
Hugs to you. It is not easy but you are doing the right things to protect your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Hello!
I have restrictions in my divorce decree, however what I did not do adequately enough is put stipulations in for what happens when he fails. In other words, my children and I are left policing him on my own. Not fun.
The family courts differ so much from one area to the next. I encourage you to find an attorney who knows about how a judge will handle such things, and who is very familiar with addiction issues.
Sasha will step in here later I am sure, she has a set up similar to what you are talking about and can guide you possibly.
Big hugs!
I have restrictions in my divorce decree, however what I did not do adequately enough is put stipulations in for what happens when he fails. In other words, my children and I are left policing him on my own. Not fun.
The family courts differ so much from one area to the next. I encourage you to find an attorney who knows about how a judge will handle such things, and who is very familiar with addiction issues.
Sasha will step in here later I am sure, she has a set up similar to what you are talking about and can guide you possibly.
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
My situation is almost exactly the same as the previous posters. The only difference is I already had a domestic violence restraining order against my AXBF, so my case was taken very seriously. I am, of course, not a lawyer, but if your ex has ever been aggressive or threatening or abusive in any way, to you or your children, a dvro can help your case immensely.
In California, child custody issues are always sent to a counselor first, and then the counselor makes a recommendation to the judge. I am so incredibly grateful that the woman who interviewed me seemed very knowledgeable about addiction. Her recommendation was very conservative. AXBF was given supervised visitation only, which he has never used, with a long list of things he has to do (90-day treatment program, psychiatric evaluation, anger management) if he ever wants to amend the custody agreement. Chances are he'll never do any of it. Hell, he hasn't even seen his daughter in over a year.
Fight for as many stipulations as you can. If he actually jumps through the hoops, great! He gets help! If not, great! Your children are safe!
In California, child custody issues are always sent to a counselor first, and then the counselor makes a recommendation to the judge. I am so incredibly grateful that the woman who interviewed me seemed very knowledgeable about addiction. Her recommendation was very conservative. AXBF was given supervised visitation only, which he has never used, with a long list of things he has to do (90-day treatment program, psychiatric evaluation, anger management) if he ever wants to amend the custody agreement. Chances are he'll never do any of it. Hell, he hasn't even seen his daughter in over a year.
Fight for as many stipulations as you can. If he actually jumps through the hoops, great! He gets help! If not, great! Your children are safe!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I’m going back to court and fighting for supervised / no overnight custody with XAH.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Without long-term recovery, 'as bad as it was' progressively gets worse.
How's your balance of legal-protection-stuff/fun time with kids/self-care?
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