One year, nothing changes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
One year, nothing changes
Why do I keep doing this to myself??
I look at all the previous posts I've made, and I sound like a broken record. The last time I came here was a few months ago, and I'd been jotting down the names of lawyers and therapists. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was ready to finally take charge and do something about my alcoholic husband. In the end, I found a therapist but was too afraid to call a lawyer.
Now I find myself back to square one. Having the same exact problems I had when I first found this place almost one year ago exactly.
I convince myself it's not that bad. He's not aggressive, abusive, mean. He doesn't lie about his drinking or disappear for hours on end. He doesn't drive drunk or get out of control. Therefore, the situation must not be that bad. He's a good man, I love him. He's stopped drinking so much during the week. Sometimes he even comes to bed with me. I repeat the mantra.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
Then one thing happens that shatters the illusion.
We go out for drinks with my brother, who is in town for a few days. We have a great time. We go home and go to bed. I wake up the next morning around 10am and he's drinking. I'm upset. He brushes it off. He's wasted by 11am. My mom drops by unannounced to drop off something for me. I'm embarrassed because it's not even noon and my husband is drunk.
I leave in the afternoon to meet with a friend and see a movie. When I get back a few hours later, he's still drinking. Now he's gaming. I say hello. Barely acknowledges me. I have to work in the morning so I go to bed.
I leave for work the next day, come back a few hours later in the afternoon. He's sleeping. I go out on a walk, run some errands, get myself some ice cream cause I need it. Come back. Still asleep. I watch a movie. He emerges around 9pm, just when I'm getting ready to call it a night.
He's sober. I try to talk to him about why I'm upset.
He says he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something he can't take back and that already happened. Even when I say it's because it's not the first time and it's not normal, he keeps trying to deflect with humor. Eventually he says, "I can't promise I'll never do it again someday'........
I tell him I feel like he takes me for granted. That he sometimes puts his video games and drinking before me. He says "Sometimes."
........It's been one entire year since I finally started calling him out on his alcoholism. Nothing has really changed. He tries. Sometimes. Drinks less during the week, but goes bananas on the weekend. Has gained a ton of weight, still won't work out. Won't go with me to see my therapist, who thinks couples counseling would help. He disagrees. There's talk of having children, but I can't have a child with someone who drinks the way he does even if he claims he can stop at anytime. And to have kids, he'd have to sex with me more than twice a year probably.
I am so sad.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I love this man. Why won't he try harder for me?
I love this man. I'm afraid to be without him.
But maybe it's at the point where I need to love myself more? I have a good job, a promising career, great friends. I shouldn't be this unhappy. I shouldn't feel like I'm twenty-eight and stuck with a twenty year old roommate instead of a partnership with a thirty-seven year old husband.
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
Thanks to anyone who's listening.
It makes me feel less alone.
I look at all the previous posts I've made, and I sound like a broken record. The last time I came here was a few months ago, and I'd been jotting down the names of lawyers and therapists. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was ready to finally take charge and do something about my alcoholic husband. In the end, I found a therapist but was too afraid to call a lawyer.
Now I find myself back to square one. Having the same exact problems I had when I first found this place almost one year ago exactly.
I convince myself it's not that bad. He's not aggressive, abusive, mean. He doesn't lie about his drinking or disappear for hours on end. He doesn't drive drunk or get out of control. Therefore, the situation must not be that bad. He's a good man, I love him. He's stopped drinking so much during the week. Sometimes he even comes to bed with me. I repeat the mantra.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
Then one thing happens that shatters the illusion.
We go out for drinks with my brother, who is in town for a few days. We have a great time. We go home and go to bed. I wake up the next morning around 10am and he's drinking. I'm upset. He brushes it off. He's wasted by 11am. My mom drops by unannounced to drop off something for me. I'm embarrassed because it's not even noon and my husband is drunk.
I leave in the afternoon to meet with a friend and see a movie. When I get back a few hours later, he's still drinking. Now he's gaming. I say hello. Barely acknowledges me. I have to work in the morning so I go to bed.
I leave for work the next day, come back a few hours later in the afternoon. He's sleeping. I go out on a walk, run some errands, get myself some ice cream cause I need it. Come back. Still asleep. I watch a movie. He emerges around 9pm, just when I'm getting ready to call it a night.
He's sober. I try to talk to him about why I'm upset.
He says he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something he can't take back and that already happened. Even when I say it's because it's not the first time and it's not normal, he keeps trying to deflect with humor. Eventually he says, "I can't promise I'll never do it again someday'........
I tell him I feel like he takes me for granted. That he sometimes puts his video games and drinking before me. He says "Sometimes."
........It's been one entire year since I finally started calling him out on his alcoholism. Nothing has really changed. He tries. Sometimes. Drinks less during the week, but goes bananas on the weekend. Has gained a ton of weight, still won't work out. Won't go with me to see my therapist, who thinks couples counseling would help. He disagrees. There's talk of having children, but I can't have a child with someone who drinks the way he does even if he claims he can stop at anytime. And to have kids, he'd have to sex with me more than twice a year probably.
I am so sad.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I love this man. Why won't he try harder for me?
I love this man. I'm afraid to be without him.
But maybe it's at the point where I need to love myself more? I have a good job, a promising career, great friends. I shouldn't be this unhappy. I shouldn't feel like I'm twenty-eight and stuck with a twenty year old roommate instead of a partnership with a thirty-seven year old husband.
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
Thanks to anyone who's listening.
It makes me feel less alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It sounds to me like you want more that he is not willing to give. He is admitting this to you. Now it's up to you what to do with that. He has shown who he is and only you can decide if that is what you want for yourself. I say this kindly because I know it's painful.
Someone said earlier their therapist told them you cannot be scared and brave at the same time, you have to decide which one you want to be.
Someone said earlier their therapist told them you cannot be scared and brave at the same time, you have to decide which one you want to be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You are not crazy.
You deserve more than he is capable of right now. He knows how you feel. There are not magic words that will make him change.
What I am about to say will seem impossible: please do not personalize his alcoholism. It literally has nothing to do with you. It isn't about him wanting you more than alcohol or vice versa--his addiction has him wrapped up, with you on the outside. You cannot break in; he must be the one break out. Unfortunately, he's not even ready to admit it's even happening.
You deserve more than he is capable of right now. He knows how you feel. There are not magic words that will make him change.
What I am about to say will seem impossible: please do not personalize his alcoholism. It literally has nothing to do with you. It isn't about him wanting you more than alcohol or vice versa--his addiction has him wrapped up, with you on the outside. You cannot break in; he must be the one break out. Unfortunately, he's not even ready to admit it's even happening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by emmab219 
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
.
SparkleKitty makes a huge point there, it's not actually about you. You say you wish he would try for you because you love him so much.
His priorities are Alcohol then - whatever, you, him, the relationship, whatever it is, it comes after alcohol. If you had children with him they would also be somewhere in that list after alcohol.
Asking an alcoholic to quit drinking is like asking them to stop - being who they are, to stop coping the way they always have to struggle and withdraw and be overwhelmed. It's a huge big deal.
But again, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking (so what is there to work through?)
As for "chickening out" - maybe start with smaller steps, maybe just tell him that you are considering a separation as you are very unhappy. The good is good but it's not enough for you. He will do with that information what he will, that is out of your control.
Then, be prepared to separate, get your own place for a few months, take time to think and look after yourself and relax!
Small steps, it's not all or nothing, you can do this in increments and see how it goes for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
I can identify with a lot of what you say. Laziness...no motivation..lack of interest in life...zero libido...mood swings.
Yes, sometimes he's lovely, caring and amiable...but other times irritable and tries to get a reaction out of me to cause an argument.
He usually drinks when lve gone to bed, (and no doubt when lm at work although l have no proof of this).
Im 61 and feel that l need the security of my home at this point in my life so l stay and put up and shut up.
I do things with friends or alone because ive given up asking or hoping that he might want to do 'fun' stuff.
I have no advice for you as lm pretty new to all this myself, but please know you aren't alone. Xxx
Ps l have never seen my husband drunk...i guess he is a maintenance drinker.
Yes, sometimes he's lovely, caring and amiable...but other times irritable and tries to get a reaction out of me to cause an argument.
He usually drinks when lve gone to bed, (and no doubt when lm at work although l have no proof of this).
Im 61 and feel that l need the security of my home at this point in my life so l stay and put up and shut up.
I do things with friends or alone because ive given up asking or hoping that he might want to do 'fun' stuff.
I have no advice for you as lm pretty new to all this myself, but please know you aren't alone. Xxx
Ps l have never seen my husband drunk...i guess he is a maintenance drinker.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Hugs (((emmab)))
I heard a comment the other day, about how the sober spouse is
as afraid to leave the alcoholic as the alcoholic is to give up
alcohol. Hmmmm
He doesn't have a problem with drinking, you have a problem with
his drinking. Because you want a full partner in this journey of life,
that you can experience joys, and passion, and kids, and growth, and
support through the inevitable hard times and share the joy through
the good times. He likely doesn't share those dreams, or may tell
you he does, but doesn't show you with actions.
This is the agony of loving an alcoholic. You have to be ok with whatever
they are able to "show up for" - i.e. the crumbs. Only thing you can be
sure of, is it will get worse, much worse, unless they decide they want
more out of life, but this will only happen if and when they decide.
I hope you will go to that therapist regularly, grow stronger, go to
alanon, and keep learning how to love yourself. If I could give my
younger self some advice, it would be to let him go, get to know
and love myself & connect with someone on a healthy level
for a healthy loving relationship. Stop the insane thinking that
I can change someone or make them be who I want them to be.
I heard a comment the other day, about how the sober spouse is
as afraid to leave the alcoholic as the alcoholic is to give up
alcohol. Hmmmm
He doesn't have a problem with drinking, you have a problem with
his drinking. Because you want a full partner in this journey of life,
that you can experience joys, and passion, and kids, and growth, and
support through the inevitable hard times and share the joy through
the good times. He likely doesn't share those dreams, or may tell
you he does, but doesn't show you with actions.
This is the agony of loving an alcoholic. You have to be ok with whatever
they are able to "show up for" - i.e. the crumbs. Only thing you can be
sure of, is it will get worse, much worse, unless they decide they want
more out of life, but this will only happen if and when they decide.
I hope you will go to that therapist regularly, grow stronger, go to
alanon, and keep learning how to love yourself. If I could give my
younger self some advice, it would be to let him go, get to know
and love myself & connect with someone on a healthy level
for a healthy loving relationship. Stop the insane thinking that
I can change someone or make them be who I want them to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
This is the agony of loving an alcoholic. You have to be ok with whatever
they are able to "show up for" - i.e. the crumbs. Only thing you can be
sure of, is it will get worse, much worse, unless they decide they want
more out of life, but this will only happen if and when they decide.
I understand- I stayed a long time for the crumbs- the good times, and I truly loved him. I am in transition now. Every day it does get better. Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
they are able to "show up for" - i.e. the crumbs. Only thing you can be
sure of, is it will get worse, much worse, unless they decide they want
more out of life, but this will only happen if and when they decide.
I understand- I stayed a long time for the crumbs- the good times, and I truly loved him. I am in transition now. Every day it does get better. Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Emmab219 :wavey
In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse.
In the GRAND scheme of things it could be so much better for you!!
Why won't he try harder for me?
Are you trying harder for YOU?
The past is gone, you are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse.
In the GRAND scheme of things it could be so much better for you!!
Why won't he try harder for me?
Are you trying harder for YOU?
The past is gone, you are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emma…..I went back and reviewed your previous posts....and, I would still say the same things that I said, in my replies, in the past.....especially, on 6/1/2018.....
Some of your questions, today----
Am I crazy?......NO.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?......Because of Fear. Stone cold Fear.
***I highly suggest that you make a list of the specific fears that you have about detaching from the relationship...being without the relationship. This may be a harder task than it sounds. With this kind of generalized fear....it can be very scary to even admit the specific fears to one's self. It might even take a while to prioritize the fears in list the main ones.... Once your specific fears are determined...this becomes the "to do" list for the actual baby steps....
Why won't he try harder for me? Because he is an alcoholic, plus any additional life issues he m ay have brought to the relationship, with him...his past baggage....
The alcoholism and the behaviors attached to it can be explained in the book that I recommended to you---"The Addicted Brain". It is explained down to the molecular level, in the brain.....
Is it normal to drink from 9 am on Saturday--all day?
NO. It is not normal to drink all day on any day...…
He is right about one thing, though. Marriage counseling will not do any good with an actively practicing g alcoholic...or, even in the early part of recovery. In fact, it may make it harder on the non-alcoholic spouse.
This is why most marriage counselors will not work with a couple, if the addiction is not taken care of , first. (many people do not admit to the marriage counselors how bad the drinking really is, though)…..
Many general therapists, while they may be good....are not trained to work with addictions unless they have had additional special training and experience.....
My questions to you (lol)….Have you read the 100 articles from our library of excellent articles, that I recommended to you? (I recommend that to everyone). There is so much to know about alcoholism---so that you really know what you are up against....
Are you still going to alanon?
I see that you say that you feel that you still love your husband. Most people who come here feel...or did feel that way, some time in the past.
The thing is...that love ( or attachment) does not really make a difference when one is hoping to change an alcoholic..or, to motivate an unmotivated alcoholic....
Staying with him...with your love...has not made a difference, so far.
For him...it is not about love, and it is not about you, at all...it is about what is inside of him....
I am not saying not to love...I am saying, that, sometimes, one has to love from a distance...in order to save yourself.....
The above are some of my thoughts...I hope they are of some help to you.....
Some of your questions, today----
Am I crazy?......NO.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?......Because of Fear. Stone cold Fear.
***I highly suggest that you make a list of the specific fears that you have about detaching from the relationship...being without the relationship. This may be a harder task than it sounds. With this kind of generalized fear....it can be very scary to even admit the specific fears to one's self. It might even take a while to prioritize the fears in list the main ones.... Once your specific fears are determined...this becomes the "to do" list for the actual baby steps....
Why won't he try harder for me? Because he is an alcoholic, plus any additional life issues he m ay have brought to the relationship, with him...his past baggage....
The alcoholism and the behaviors attached to it can be explained in the book that I recommended to you---"The Addicted Brain". It is explained down to the molecular level, in the brain.....
Is it normal to drink from 9 am on Saturday--all day?
NO. It is not normal to drink all day on any day...…
He is right about one thing, though. Marriage counseling will not do any good with an actively practicing g alcoholic...or, even in the early part of recovery. In fact, it may make it harder on the non-alcoholic spouse.
This is why most marriage counselors will not work with a couple, if the addiction is not taken care of , first. (many people do not admit to the marriage counselors how bad the drinking really is, though)…..
Many general therapists, while they may be good....are not trained to work with addictions unless they have had additional special training and experience.....
My questions to you (lol)….Have you read the 100 articles from our library of excellent articles, that I recommended to you? (I recommend that to everyone). There is so much to know about alcoholism---so that you really know what you are up against....
Are you still going to alanon?
I see that you say that you feel that you still love your husband. Most people who come here feel...or did feel that way, some time in the past.
The thing is...that love ( or attachment) does not really make a difference when one is hoping to change an alcoholic..or, to motivate an unmotivated alcoholic....
Staying with him...with your love...has not made a difference, so far.
For him...it is not about love, and it is not about you, at all...it is about what is inside of him....
I am not saying not to love...I am saying, that, sometimes, one has to love from a distance...in order to save yourself.....
The above are some of my thoughts...I hope they are of some help to you.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If I were in your shoes, I would want to sit down with an attorney, and simply discuss my rights and legal obligations. It doesn’t mean I would have to immediately file for a divorce, but having the knowledge, and being able to process it on my own terms would be helpful.
Remember being a kid, and being afraid to rip the bandaid off.? We know there is going to be that sting, and we know it won’t last forever, the thought of it is worse than the actual sting.
I have a hunch when you make up your mind there will be no turning back. He will not be able to talk himself back into your life. We all have a fear of being alone, and having to start over , I never felt more alone than when I was with an active alcoholic . He could be sitting right next to me on the couch, but his heart and soul were unavailable . His thoughts, words, and actions were not real, his brain was not sober. Like yourself, I longed for those moments where I could spend a few minutes with the sober guy.
As his disease progresses, you will see less, and less of the man you fell in love with. Just when You think it can’t get any worse, it does.
The only change you can expect, is the change you are willing to make.
Remember being a kid, and being afraid to rip the bandaid off.? We know there is going to be that sting, and we know it won’t last forever, the thought of it is worse than the actual sting.
I have a hunch when you make up your mind there will be no turning back. He will not be able to talk himself back into your life. We all have a fear of being alone, and having to start over , I never felt more alone than when I was with an active alcoholic . He could be sitting right next to me on the couch, but his heart and soul were unavailable . His thoughts, words, and actions were not real, his brain was not sober. Like yourself, I longed for those moments where I could spend a few minutes with the sober guy.
As his disease progresses, you will see less, and less of the man you fell in love with. Just when You think it can’t get any worse, it does.
The only change you can expect, is the change you are willing to make.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emma…..you may find the following website informative.....it gives legal information and is educational in nature....It is not meant to replace your own lawyer...but, it covers almost every area that can be involved in divorce and can help you to organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.....
https://www.womansdivorce.com/
https://www.womansdivorce.com/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right?
Feeling lonely in a marriage.
Having no intimacy in a marriage.
Rarely sleeping together.
Feeling embarrassed of your partner.
Crying every day about your marriage.
Those are “normal” in toxic relationships and sadly have become your normal.
He doesn’t want marriage counseling because his marriage to him is exactly how he wants it. I think once you can accept that, you’ll make a healthy decision for yourself about how you plan on living the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I saw an attorney a good year before I divorced. It did help me feel more in control and helped me know what the steps would be, etc. There is no obligation to follow through, and most will give you a free consult.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. And thanks Dandylion for the link, I've already been looking through it.
I think describing it as clinging to breadcrumbs is perfect. I know that's what I'm doing. It's so hard because, once upon a time, he was an amazing boyfriend. I can remember bragging about him to friends and family and feeling so fulfilled. Then we got married, and all of the sudden things went way downhill. Maybe even before we got married there were signs, but I ignored them. I'm not sure.
I think my biggest problem is holding out for that person I fell in love with. And convincing myself it's not that bad. He's not abusive or aggressive. He doesn't belittle me. He doesn't hide alcohol or hoard it. He doesn't disappear out to bars for hours on end and come home to pass out in the front lawn....He has a job, pays the bills, mows the lawn. He's functional. When I did go to Alanon, I heard all these stories and I felt sort of like an imposter there. Like everyone was going through all these horrible situations, and maybe I was making mine worse than it was.
At present, he's cut down a little...drinking one big 16oz a night instead of a six-pack plus and vodka. Sometimes he'll slip. Weekends, as I said are worse. He doesn't do the whole drinking all day thing very often, but he will start at 3pm sometimes. I'm making excuses right now, aren't I? It's just that he kind of like disappears into himself when he drinks. It's that and the gaming that kill me. My friend tells me she thinks he has Peter Pan syndrome....never wants to grow up so tries to disappear into alcohol. Which could be...he's told me many times he drinks because otherwise life is boring. So he just drinks, plays video games.
I've done a lot of reading this morning (pinned threads from this site everyone has suggested). I know that loving him isn't an excuse to stay. I know that, despite everything I've just said, it could be better. Just because it's not worse, doesn't mean it couldn't be better. I know his promises to stop when we have kids are empty. I know I'm afraid to even have children with him. And I know I stay because I'm afraid.
I think deep down I know I could do it.
I just think about having that conversation with him. I imagine the look on his face. I hear all the times we've gotten into it about him drinking and him begging me not to leave.
But I think maybe I have to now.
I wrote down the names of some divorce attorneys a few months ago and hid it away. I'll find it.
Last year, I said if he hadn't taken steps to get into recovery by the time I turned twenty-nine, I'd see a lawyer.
I turn twenty-nine on Friday.
I think describing it as clinging to breadcrumbs is perfect. I know that's what I'm doing. It's so hard because, once upon a time, he was an amazing boyfriend. I can remember bragging about him to friends and family and feeling so fulfilled. Then we got married, and all of the sudden things went way downhill. Maybe even before we got married there were signs, but I ignored them. I'm not sure.
I think my biggest problem is holding out for that person I fell in love with. And convincing myself it's not that bad. He's not abusive or aggressive. He doesn't belittle me. He doesn't hide alcohol or hoard it. He doesn't disappear out to bars for hours on end and come home to pass out in the front lawn....He has a job, pays the bills, mows the lawn. He's functional. When I did go to Alanon, I heard all these stories and I felt sort of like an imposter there. Like everyone was going through all these horrible situations, and maybe I was making mine worse than it was.
At present, he's cut down a little...drinking one big 16oz a night instead of a six-pack plus and vodka. Sometimes he'll slip. Weekends, as I said are worse. He doesn't do the whole drinking all day thing very often, but he will start at 3pm sometimes. I'm making excuses right now, aren't I? It's just that he kind of like disappears into himself when he drinks. It's that and the gaming that kill me. My friend tells me she thinks he has Peter Pan syndrome....never wants to grow up so tries to disappear into alcohol. Which could be...he's told me many times he drinks because otherwise life is boring. So he just drinks, plays video games.
I've done a lot of reading this morning (pinned threads from this site everyone has suggested). I know that loving him isn't an excuse to stay. I know that, despite everything I've just said, it could be better. Just because it's not worse, doesn't mean it couldn't be better. I know his promises to stop when we have kids are empty. I know I'm afraid to even have children with him. And I know I stay because I'm afraid.
I think deep down I know I could do it.
I just think about having that conversation with him. I imagine the look on his face. I hear all the times we've gotten into it about him drinking and him begging me not to leave.
But I think maybe I have to now.
I wrote down the names of some divorce attorneys a few months ago and hid it away. I'll find it.
Last year, I said if he hadn't taken steps to get into recovery by the time I turned twenty-nine, I'd see a lawyer.
I turn twenty-nine on Friday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's so hard because, once upon a time, he was an amazing boyfriend.
I think my biggest problem is holding out for that person I fell in love with. And convincing myself it's not that bad.
And convincing myself it's not that bad. He's not abusive or aggressive. He doesn't belittle me. He doesn't hide alcohol or hoard it. He doesn't disappear out to bars for hours on end and come home to pass out in the front lawn....He has a job, pays the bills, mows the lawn.
I know many people who have chosen to stay because it’s easier for them, less financial stress, less fear of an unknown future. But you can’t stay without accepting him for exactly who and how he is today and have any expectations that he is going to change into that once long ago person who’ve not seen in years.
I think it would be a wise move to see an attorney and learn and understand what you face should you chose to divorce. And I'd do that prior to any talks you might think you need to have with him right now about it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by emmab219
At present, he's cut down a little...drinking one big 16oz a night instead of a six-pack plus and vodka. Sometimes he'll slip. Weekends, as I said are worse. He doesn't do the whole drinking all day thing very often, but he will start at 3pm sometimes. I'm making excuses right now, aren't I?
You are going about your daily life, work, friends, family etc and you are single. You are put in to your house as it is now, this is to be your Husband! You would probably be shocked. Not because he isn't a nice guy at heart or some kind of monster but because you don't really like being ignored and when you are standing in the kitchen cooking dinner after being ignored on your arrival there is a guy sitting on the sofa playing video games and drinking beer. Are we having fun yet?
So your "normal" is far from ideal, but you kind of get used to it so comparing his 16 oz consumption to his regular consumption is "normal".
Thing is, you realize it's not.
It's not ok, you aren't supposed to be miserable in a marriage.
Glad to hear you are going to grab that list of lawyers, see what is involved with a separation or divorce, see how you think/feel after having a discussion with a few.
Yes, if you decide to leave it will hurt him. Then again, you cannot save him from himself. I'm pretty sure you have been very clear about what you need and want, how is that coming along?
I'm sorry this is happening and glad you are taking control.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by emmab219
Why do I keep doing this to myself??
I look at all the previous posts I've made, and I sound like a broken record. The last time I came here was a few months ago, and I'd been jotting down the names of lawyers and therapists. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was ready to finally take charge and do something about my alcoholic husband. In the end, I found a therapist but was too afraid to call a lawyer.
Now I find myself back to square one. Having the same exact problems I had when I first found this place almost one year ago exactly.
I convince myself it's not that bad. He's not aggressive, abusive, mean. He doesn't lie about his drinking or disappear for hours on end. He doesn't drive drunk or get out of control. Therefore, the situation must not be that bad. He's a good man, I love him. He's stopped drinking so much during the week. Sometimes he even comes to bed with me. I repeat the mantra.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
Then one thing happens that shatters the illusion.
We go out for drinks with my brother, who is in town for a few days. We have a great time. We go home and go to bed. I wake up the next morning around 10am and he's drinking. I'm upset. He brushes it off. He's wasted by 11am. My mom drops by unannounced to drop off something for me. I'm embarrassed because it's not even noon and my husband is drunk.
I leave in the afternoon to meet with a friend and see a movie. When I get back a few hours later, he's still drinking. Now he's gaming. I say hello. Barely acknowledges me. I have to work in the morning so I go to bed.
I leave for work the next day, come back a few hours later in the afternoon. He's sleeping. I go out on a walk, run some errands, get myself some ice cream cause I need it. Come back. Still asleep. I watch a movie. He emerges around 9pm, just when I'm getting ready to call it a night.
He's sober. I try to talk to him about why I'm upset.
He says he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something he can't take back and that already happened. Even when I say it's because it's not the first time and it's not normal, he keeps trying to deflect with humor. Eventually he says, "I can't promise I'll never do it again someday'........
I tell him I feel like he takes me for granted. That he sometimes puts his video games and drinking before me. He says "Sometimes."
........It's been one entire year since I finally started calling him out on his alcoholism. Nothing has really changed. He tries. Sometimes. Drinks less during the week, but goes bananas on the weekend. Has gained a ton of weight, still won't work out. Won't go with me to see my therapist, who thinks couples counseling would help. He disagrees. There's talk of having children, but I can't have a child with someone who drinks the way he does even if he claims he can stop at anytime. And to have kids, he'd have to sex with me more than twice a year probably.
I am so sad.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I love this man. Why won't he try harder for me?
I love this man. I'm afraid to be without him.
But maybe it's at the point where I need to love myself more? I have a good job, a promising career, great friends. I shouldn't be this unhappy. I shouldn't feel like I'm twenty-eight and stuck with a twenty year old roommate instead of a partnership with a thirty-seven year old husband.
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
Thanks to anyone who's listening.
It makes me feel less alone.
I look at all the previous posts I've made, and I sound like a broken record. The last time I came here was a few months ago, and I'd been jotting down the names of lawyers and therapists. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was ready to finally take charge and do something about my alcoholic husband. In the end, I found a therapist but was too afraid to call a lawyer.
Now I find myself back to square one. Having the same exact problems I had when I first found this place almost one year ago exactly.
I convince myself it's not that bad. He's not aggressive, abusive, mean. He doesn't lie about his drinking or disappear for hours on end. He doesn't drive drunk or get out of control. Therefore, the situation must not be that bad. He's a good man, I love him. He's stopped drinking so much during the week. Sometimes he even comes to bed with me. I repeat the mantra.
I force myself not to think about the loneliness. The lack of physical intimacy. The laziness. The lack of drive and ambition. In the grand scheme of things, it could be so much worse. I convince myself this is what marriage is. If I left, it'd be so hard on both of us. We love each other. We promised each other a forever.
I settle. And I tell myself it's fine.
Then one thing happens that shatters the illusion.
We go out for drinks with my brother, who is in town for a few days. We have a great time. We go home and go to bed. I wake up the next morning around 10am and he's drinking. I'm upset. He brushes it off. He's wasted by 11am. My mom drops by unannounced to drop off something for me. I'm embarrassed because it's not even noon and my husband is drunk.
I leave in the afternoon to meet with a friend and see a movie. When I get back a few hours later, he's still drinking. Now he's gaming. I say hello. Barely acknowledges me. I have to work in the morning so I go to bed.
I leave for work the next day, come back a few hours later in the afternoon. He's sleeping. I go out on a walk, run some errands, get myself some ice cream cause I need it. Come back. Still asleep. I watch a movie. He emerges around 9pm, just when I'm getting ready to call it a night.
He's sober. I try to talk to him about why I'm upset.
He says he doesn't understand why I'm upset about something he can't take back and that already happened. Even when I say it's because it's not the first time and it's not normal, he keeps trying to deflect with humor. Eventually he says, "I can't promise I'll never do it again someday'........
I tell him I feel like he takes me for granted. That he sometimes puts his video games and drinking before me. He says "Sometimes."
........It's been one entire year since I finally started calling him out on his alcoholism. Nothing has really changed. He tries. Sometimes. Drinks less during the week, but goes bananas on the weekend. Has gained a ton of weight, still won't work out. Won't go with me to see my therapist, who thinks couples counseling would help. He disagrees. There's talk of having children, but I can't have a child with someone who drinks the way he does even if he claims he can stop at anytime. And to have kids, he'd have to sex with me more than twice a year probably.
I am so sad.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I love this man. Why won't he try harder for me?
I love this man. I'm afraid to be without him.
But maybe it's at the point where I need to love myself more? I have a good job, a promising career, great friends. I shouldn't be this unhappy. I shouldn't feel like I'm twenty-eight and stuck with a twenty year old roommate instead of a partnership with a thirty-seven year old husband.
Yet every time I get ready to do something, like finally tell him I can't do this anymore, I chicken out. He makes me laugh, or smile. We have a good couple of weeks together and I go right back to thinking...this isn't so bad. I can do this. We can work through this.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle.
Am I crazy?
It's not normal to start drinking at 9am on Saturday and go all day, right? Even if it's not every Saturday? I feel like I don't even know what's normal anymore.
Thanks to anyone who's listening.
It makes me feel less alone.
I don't know if this will help or if you have done this - sit down and write what you want out of life - how you would like your partner to treat you (not him - any partner - think of it as if you were never married), what kind of father you would want your children to have, etc etc. now look at that list and ask yourself if he is that person today. It's not fair for you to settle for less, and it's not fair for him to have to be someone he isn't.
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