blueberry2015

The death of one of our fellows, is still plaguing on my mind.

This whole situation is really really just poop. The lady asked me to sponsor her, I initially said yes (people pleasing) however after speaking with my sponsor I was advised not to, she was a serial relapser, I was friends with her ex (also in the rooms) and also my own recovery was a bit wobbly at the time. I respectfully told her my reasonings, with love and that I was acting on the advice of my sponsor. I told her that, it didnt mean I couldnt be a friend to her. Ive been going through the text messages we exchanged, and my last contact with her was two and a half weeks before she died.

Im up and im down. I just feel so poop. Poop because I couldn't help her as a sponsor, Poop because at the back of my mind maybe I could of reached out more. Sorry that I couldnt be there for her when she asked me. I am so bloody sorry. Sorry for her, for her family, her young son and her friends. And I am gutted she didnt make it

I know this isnt about me. I know this. However as a god damn human being I am feeling these emotions. I know I couldnt do her recovery for her, and I know that I did my best I could as a friend, simply just by checking in, talking with her, asking how she was doing etc etc.

I also know that other people who tried their best to help feels similar emotions.

This is the first time in my recovery, that I have known someone who I tried to help pass away, and it is s#!t.

Really really s#!t.

I just need to share. Share this without judgement. Share this not as a member of AA but to share this as a human being with human emotions.

No news of a funeral yet, I suspect that this will be investigated by the coroner, which is just.... s#!t ( I had a coroners inquest into the death of my own father) so I do know how difficult that can be.

I have all these feelings and not a clue what to do with them. I do not want to drink. Just.... very sad.

Gabe1980

Oh Blueberry, I'm so sorry for what you are going through just now. It's really, really hard. Just remember that you DID do your best, you offered her everything you could at time and in the time you had. You cared about her and you still care about her and everyone she left behind.
Grief is such a difficult thing and I can understand looking back and wishing you had done more but I know what you offer. I see it here every day, for all of us. I am so sure that you offered your friend the same love, compassion and understanding that you bring here.

Be kind to yourself BB. Share all those feelings here and let us support you. Love Rachel xx

blueberry2015

Its just.... so so sad.

blueberry2015

I dunno if its my own grief coming out around my dad maybe? It is quite possible, i drank my way through all of that. Grief is so very hard, Im feeling it in a sense when I see her friends and family expressing their grief. I need to get a grip on this, and not make this about me.

blueberry2015

I will continue to pray for them and for her beautiful soul x

Gabe1980

It's totally ok for some of it to be about you, especially here Blueberry. Grief is one of those things that can get trapped, if it's not experienced and worked through at the time. I think it's quite like that this is triggering some of the grief that you already have.
A bereavement counsellor might be a good idea, hon. Up here we have Cruse Bereavement, I'm not sure if it's a different service where you are but might be worth looking into? Talking about this stuff with someone will help you make sense of it and help you grieve. xxx

Gabe1980

I'll say prayers tonight too, for you, your friend and her family xx

blueberry2015

Thank you x x x

blueberry2015

Thank you x Yes Cruse is the same service x

Gabe1980

Take care of yourself BB. I'm off to bed but I'm around tomorrow if you want to get in touch. Love Rachel xx

CaiHong

You did care and you gave as much as you could, ultimately its up to that person to initiate the fundamental change. Yes it is very sad.
CaiHong

Gabe1980

How you doing today xx

blueberry2015

Im ok, still feeling sad about what happened x x Just working through it all x

Thank you for taking the time to ask after me x x x

Gottalife

Hey BB, I have been through similar things and my heart goes out to you. One thing I learned was that grief has a mind of its own. When I lost my wife I thought I was going nuts. My AA friends tried to help, but it wasn't their field. I ended up seeing a grief counsellor, just one session, and discovered I was reacting perfectly normally to the situation which was a huge relief.

You'll remeber the ABCs in the Big Book, one being that probably no human power could relieve our alcholism. Well, you, me, a sponsor, a group are all just human powers and it is beyond any of our power to save any alcoholic. All we can do is make sure they get an adequate presentation of the program, then it is up to them what they do with it.

I think you did that by your example as much as anything else. And that is all that is asked of any of us.

God bless,

dsmaxis10

Bluebarry2015 I'm saddened . I just don't know what to say. But my niece is dieing from this well drugs. My niece God please not my beloved niece the first step of alanon was so hard to do.

Gabe1980

Hey Blueberry. I'm just checking in to say that I'm thinking about you and sending you prayers xxx

CAPTAINZING2000

In and out of the rooms people go through what you’re feeling right now.
You have feelings and compassion.
Some deaths in my life left we numb. I was only able to feel the grief later on.
Might be human nature to second guess if there was something we could have done differently.

This past December, my mom died in a car wreck. I thought my daughter was going to drive her to a family dinner and she never showed up so my mom drove herself. I had to deal with the feeling I should have offered to drive her myself and she would still be alive.


“Is It True? Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?
Oh! Stay, dear child, one moment stay,

Before a word you speak,

That can do harm in any way

To the poor, or to the weak;

And never say of any one

What you’d not have said of you,

Ere you ask yourself the question,

“Is the accusation true?”

And if ’tis true, for I suppose

You would not tell a lie;

Before the failings you expose

Of friend or enemy:

Yet even then be careful, very;

Pause and your words well weigh,

And ask it it be necessary,

What you’re about to say.

And should it necessary be,

At least you deem it so,

Yet speak not unadvisedly

Of friend or even foe,

Till in your secret soul you seek

For some excuse to find;

And ere the thoughtless word you speak,

Ask yourself, “Is it kind?”

When you have ask’d these questions three—

True,—Necessary,—Kind,—

Ask’d them in all sincerity,

I think that you will find,

It is not hardship to obey

The command of our Blessed Lord,—

No ill of any man to say;

No, not a single word.

Mary Ann Pietzker