FireSprite

I really wanted to link this into my older updates/threads, but I'm not sure exactly where it belongs.... I don't expect any major solutions from anyone, but this process of posting on SR is cathartic for me & super helpful when I read back later.

Things are still rolling along in our household - we still have lots of ups & downs & admittedly, are still in a sort of limbo. This has been the hardest year I've ever had, hands down. There have been so many changes that every few months, I need to just stop everything & process it all. Good/bad/different - it all runs together sometimes & the correlating emotions keep popping up in response which is exhausting... that's what I describe as roller-coaster feeling because it moves so quickly from high to low & back again, it makes me physically sick sometimes.

I've been really blessed to have had unexpected time off & time alone & time away during this at the exact right times & it helped me keep mostly moving forward without falling down in the rest of my life. I'm SO grateful - it's another example of how things happen when/how they are supposed to. I'd have loved to have gotten a lot of this internal work done before now, but I can't deny that DD being away for nearly a full month over the summer gave me emotional room I needed to do it.

But still - it's been nine solid months of changes with all the glorious growth & backsliding of recovery. My issues with my husband are on the surface & very real but they trigger much deeper wells of FOO damage & Inner Child wounds. It's like every issue that rises gets 2 levels of management - on the surface, where it happens with husband & I can see myself as separate - it is happening TO me... and then again, much deeper, into that well of my Inner Child where it gets mis-translated to call my base self-value/worth into question & it is ABOUT me. Brene would call this the difference between "I did something bad" and "I am bad". Shame triggers.

As DD hits milestones, so do I. When I parent her differently & then recognize it internally, I heal just a little too. I've identified different judgments pointed at me from my inner child at differing ages - the snot-nosed, know-it-all 8 yr old on the verge of starting an eating disorder & the 15-yr old girl issuing judgment from behind a wall of hurts so high, she swore to never care about anyone ever again in life.

Last night I chatted briefly with DD14 - just to touch base with her & make sure she remembered our Open Door policy. I reminded her that she is one-third of this family & that her opinions & needs are important. I asked her outright "Is there anything that you see me doing or not doing that you think, wow, this is such an obvious "right" answer?" & that I was interested in her perspective, as an observer to our every day lives. That if there WAS anything she felt was incongruent, she should feel comfortable bringing it to my attention - that obviously, at 14, she doesn't have all the answers or even all the grisly details of what she doesn't "need to know" - but that doesn't stop her from having perspective & opinions.

The kid is all right & I'm happy about that. She assured me that nothing keeps her up at night - that she realizes there is no one, right way in life & she trusts my judgment & that we're doing what we're supposed to be doing right now. Her focus in on her studies, her growing social life & added responsibilities.

Then I went to my room and cried like a baby because I had just had a conversation with my daughter that I could never have had with my mother at that age, even though we're dealing with very, very similar situations. That I STILL can't really have a conversation like that with my mother today, as adults.

Prior to birth, my life was already in chaos. My mother ran away to elope with my father & his family never approved of her. Both families objected & tried to force control. Mom's dad had a heart attack which her mother blamed her for. My father was just back from Vietnam & deeply committed to his ongoing addictions - he had started drinking at age 9.

My mother's sexual abuse was still recent - it was happening pretty well right up until she met my father at almost age 17. I was born literally 9 months to the day they were married, just days after she herself turned 18 & her pregnancy was full of stress - forced amnio, RH factor issues, lots of fear based treatments. My hip was displaced at birth & they refused allow the docs to reset it. The name they had called me all throughout pregnancy was changed when I was born because they discovered another cousin with the same name..... and I received the name my mother had picked out years earlier, during the time of her sexual abuse by her brothers. When I found this out decades later, I understood why I'd always felt so separated from my own name - why it never seemed to fit. Why other people always remarked - you don't look like a "Fire". This was her baby name in case she ended up pregnant as a result of being raped. (she told nobody about her abuse until about 3 yrs ago - the damage it caused simply came out sideways, every day for 50 years instead)

My mother was emotionally cold - she still is, even though she doesn't want to be. My paternal grandmother was aggressive, often letting herself into our apartment in the mornings to get me out of my crib for breakfast & bathing. Totally interrupted maternal bonding. She ran our lives in many ways until my father died.

I have always had a gigantic gap in my memory - My 1st memory is age 1, the trauma of having my front teeth extracted under anesthesia during a crisis event. Then cutting my hand deeply on a glass coke bottle around 4/5 & age 7 when I punctured a hole in the back of my head & needed stitches. These are the few memories I can connect to until I get much older.

I started getting migraines at age 3. By age 10, they were keeping me out of school regularly & I went through rounds & rounds of testing to rule out neurological issues, eyesight problems, etc. In the end they decided I was just hitting puberty early & needed to consult with a gyno - to which my mother replied, "absolutely not". I suffered with horrendous migraines & other issues & insane periods considering my age but since it triggered "female issues" my mother shut down & refused to allow me treatment. At 17 I finally found Planned Parenthood & got educated & tested & started to unravel myself as a girl behind her back because she still didn't approve & I was suffering tremendously. I believed I was damaged, so I was. (I'm not)

I don't know how or why that convo with DD triggered something to let loose even further back, but it definitely did. This morning I woke with an understanding that my next stage of healing deals with my IC ages 0-6 - something I had not even CONSIDERED before now. That these wounds predate language & expression for me. I thought I had worked through a lot of this IC stuff & I have - but all the work I've done really relates to ages 7+.... i.e. times when I have working memories.

In May, I got into an argument with my mother in public & it escalated out of control before I could blink. She was desperate to control me & physically tried to restrain me a couple of times during our interaction - stopping me from being able to walk away.

And wow - did it trigger something inside of me that hasn't settled back down since. No doubt this was a big part of her parenting when I was very young - no WONDER I loathe when people touch me without permission (even while I'm actually very touchy-feely with people I love).

I think all those oldest memories & imprints are buried deeply inside & capped over tightly with a manhole cover & have gone unnoticed. This stuff is like my hair color - it's been there since pre-birth & I'm reacting to the emotional triggers they are tied to without knowing the words for what is happening. (yet)

This is the wellspring of my all of my self worth - my esteem, my trust, my love for me. My creative self. Over this last, most difficult year, that manhole cover keeps rumbling & rising because the pressure from underneath keeps bubbling up & over..... I do believe it's about to geyser & blow the lid off completely.

I know every growth that hurts this badly leads me somewhere amazing in the big picture. But I'm SO fatigued & I just. can't. stop. crying. On days like today I wish Life had a giant "Pause" button.

SparkleKitty

FS, you can make your own Pause button. No one needs to give you one.

Marathon. Not a sprint. Remember?

SmallButMighty

Powerful stuff Fire.

Your level of self awareness is astonishing. Painful, but awesome none the less.

I know you likened what you are going to as feeling like a geyser building and about to blow, but I couldn't help thinking it seems more like a birthing process to me... especially considering the things you shared.

If you will let me, I'll send you a big hug!

FireSprite

Yes definitely. And you're right - in those ways, I have been pressing pause. I need to give myself credit there because it's easy to wag my judgmental finger at what I "should" be doing.

I want to pause everything else so I can stop incoming work & stuff & just deal with all THIS. I want to have a respite where DD is unaffected by my taking a very long time-out - like 30 days, lol.

Yes, definitely.

Thanks guys - I feel so much better just spending the time to get it OUT.

honeypig

Just sending hugs, FS. Great big soothing hugs. You are safe.

Given all that you've lived through, I'd say it's nothing short of a miracle that you can be where you are now, with so much growth and learning behind you and so much more to come.

I can't help but think of a thread started recently by a member who said she understood why her BF was an A b/c after all, he'd lost his mother and (I think) a good friend. I replied that simply b/c a person had trauma in his/her life was no reason/excuse/indication that that person would turn to some kind of addiction to "manage" things. I think you are living proof that trauma can also be a springboard to a higher way of thinking, believing, feeling and acting.

FireSprite

You guys humble me, thank you SO MUCH Honeypig. What an awesome compliment, I never think of myself that way.

honeypig

I didn't address the parenting thing at all, FS, and I want to say a bit about that too--you found a way to rise far, far above the dysfunction and sickness you grew up in and are raising an AMAZING daughter. Yet who showed you how? Certainly not your FOO...

Of the 4 of my siblings who've had kids (I have none myself), all of them have also found a better way of parenting than what we grew up with (majorly dysfunctional family, sexual abuse for some). Two of them have done a truly outstanding job. The other two I don't feel have come as far, but all have definitely stepped outside the box they were familiar with.

So how is it, FS, that some people perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction, abuse and addiction, while some break the chain? The same reason some A's find recovery and others don't? What IS that reason?

hopeful4

FS...just remember friend, you have broken the chain w/your own DD. That is powerful stuff.

Give yourself permission to pause anytime you need to!!!

Big hugs!

theuncertainty

FireSprite, your response to Honeypig reminds me something I'm still trying to internalize, despite my counselor telling me more than once: it's important to step to the side once in a while to look back and to acknowledge just how far we've come, just how much hard work we've put in.

I completely understand the wish for 30 (or more days) to just focus *here*. It may not give you all that time, but maybe giving yourself credit for how much work you've put in already might give you a chance to catch your footing again.

Pathwaytofree

Your question was addressed to FS but I'm assuming it's ok if others give their thoughts too?

My thoughts FWIW: people like FS are rare--those who are willing to do the challenging yet fulfilling work of processing through a painful past to come out the other side the healthiest version of themselves.

It's "easier" for others to just continue the chain--continue what they know, because it's "comfortable". Change is scary. People fear change, even if they know deep down inside it's good change.

I believe that's the same reason some A's find recovery and some don't. Growth and change is hard. They don't call it "growing pains" for nothing. Only the tough survive. I never knew how truly strong I was until I went through recovery and finally allowed myself to be authentic in my pain--to sit with it instead of trying to run away/escape from it.

honeypig

Great answer, Ptf--thanks for your thoughts!

FireSprite

I don't know. I only know what I've pieced together in my life experience. Everyone from teachers to psychics & tarot card readers have told me my brain "works differently".

I believe it's a combination of things, for all of us & the trick is finding that exact right balance that works FOR YOU. DD has a favorite quote that says, "Life is the most difficult exam. Many people fail because they try to copy others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper."

I do believe it's important to have a Scout, not a Soldier, mindset.
https://www.ted.com/talks/julia_gale...f_you_re_wrong

The ability to see things from a different perspective is vital to me in life & I do not understand why more people don't use it as a tool to learn about those around them. Seriously - just drop to your knees & be "shorter" for a day or walk around on small stilts & see how it changes your perspective about the most basic stuff. Can you see the dust on top of the fridge that you never realized was even there? Does the light from that window hit you differently? What is it like to experience something in a completely different body & brain???

I think that generationally, we have access to much more information with the internet so for someone who seeks change, this makes everything faster & easier. It's also a lot more Acceptable now than in past generations. I tell DD all the time that I'm curious to see how her generation manages life having been born, in general, into greater global awareness & acceptance of themselves as individuals. What is it like to not have to Fix so much & work on forward growth from earlier in life?

Yes - Fear is huge. I'm not afraid of changing if the chance of coming out better on the other side exists. It's still scary, I've just done it enough now that I've gotten more comfortable. Change is forced on us all the time - I had to learn to embrace it. When my dad went to prison, I shut DOWN as a person. I switched completely into Observation Mode because I no longer had any sense of my own identity.

Gut instincts are something I've always relied on, although I didn't always know it & unfortunately, over enough time of ignoring what they told me, I lost touch & had to reconnect with this part of myself too. In my biggest moments of fear or uncertainty though, I've always followed them - in those moments, it's all I've had left. They were right every time but I still wasn't seeing how I had this built-in internal guidance system & how reliable it was. My guts are what forced me to do things I didn't have names for until many years later - detachment, meditation, No Contact.

And I definitely have struggled & fallen many times in my journey - I started down the road of emotional eating at age 8ish & was abusing laxatives by about 10/11. In the process of all "this" happening that I'm uncovering/sharing in this thread this week, I realized I was shredding my fingernails & cuticle/skin around my nails on all sides.... and suddenly it rung the right bell - I hurt myself like this when I was a kid too - I think you could consider it a form of "soft" cutting. No scars.

2 days ago I had a beautiful manicure. For whatever reason, with this trip down the rabbit hole, I immediately started shredding my fingers - all 10 of them. That's what caught my attention - I'd BEEN doing this for years, just in a much more controlled, sort of compulsive way. When this week happened, I went from 0-60 in 2.4 seconds & I could more easily "see" myself due to such a dramatic incident.

My father actually encouraged my individuality, but he was absent even when he was physically there except in times when authoritative parenting was "called for". He was very old school Sicilian - respect was given, not earned. Do as I say, not as I do. Never question The Family. By the time he was sober & starting to understand how devastating the dysfunction was, he was dying from cancer.

I believe our children are born Who They Are & it is our job as parents to observe & figure out how to best support them in life. I think it was frustrating & heart breaking but my struggles also meant I didn't become a mom until I was 30 - and I know I'm handling it differently than I would have at 20. It would be impossible not to.

Our fertility issues meant 2+ yrs of treatments with specialists after many years of trying on our own. By the time she was born, she was the most wanted & loved unborn child I'd ever known - the network of friends & family & associates that prayed for & loved this child blew my mind. But in the beginning, it was just the 2 of us - we never told a single person we were seeking treatments because it's too hard to share stuff like that sometimes.

The Dr's office wanted her so much that the nurse gave us that last month's meds - we had run out of money & they weren't ready to give up over a couple of grand. I had run out of hope & on the morning of my final procedure, while I cried in that sterile room alone waiting for them to get everything ready, I stared up at the ceiling & prayed. My system had hyper-responded to my meds & produced too many follicles this time - the doc had long ago told us this would require us to hold off & wait because the chances of multiples was just too high. I was expecting someone to walk through that door & tell me we were cancelling the procedure but instead, he broke his own rules & asked if we wanted to go for it & not only go ahead, but get a little more aggressive in our approach. In the end, we went ahead but held off on "more".

I told my HP that I was Done. I could. not. take. any. more. That today, I had found my point of Surrender - I was letting go of the idea of ever being a mother & felt that by playing God in this way, maybe I was pushing something that was never meant to be. That after today, I was done trying & I would pick a new direction for my life.

And I honestly Let Go. Absolute Surrender & the freedom that it brought was like breathing real air for the first time. I dove into major home repairs we had lined up - big stuff, roof, siding, floors, you name it. 10 days later, long before I was due to test or check in, I was helping my husband move a dresser & something in the way I lifted it felt different - I had curled inward, protectively & I knew immediately that I was pregnant. That I had been feeling pressure I couldn't describe & that was why.

Surrender is a very strange thing when it's pure. I've been reading about it this week as well - because on Monday night that was all that was on my mind - surrendering to the current of All This.

DD has become my greatest mirror that shows me where I would benefit from changing - when I listen. Lately it's stuff like:

"The thing about creativity is, I want to do it perfectly or not at all...."

"I just want someone to tell which choice is the RIGHT ONE & I'll just do it.... I like both, can't decide...."

OMG, ME TOO.

I see a lot of curiosity & mental processes in her that are Just Like Me & can imagine a story where my mother had no clue how to manage a child like that. How, in her life experience, the only way to do so was to Control every little thing about me & my personality. I had to put who I was in a box & bury it inside in order to comply with her parenting which was largely based on her abuse. It's all she knew - teaching us to shrink & hide in plain sight.

I do want to be clear that none of this is about Blame - I can completely appreciate that my parents were doing the best they can & I don't hold hard feelings like that. I still need to address what damaged me, what "stuck" & what I want to change. I can refuse to continue to accept old behaviors once I know better about my own boundaries now.

theuncertainty

FireSprite, I love how up front and honest you are about really, really difficult subjects while still showing compassion. I've been accused of using speaking bluntly like a weapon and, from what you share here, I'm definitely not seeing the same from you. I admire that, a lot. And I love, love, love this - it's something I've felt but not been able to articulate:

It also sometimes terrifies me. It feels like a huge, gigantic, monumental responsibility, and there are times all I can think is: oh my god, I'm f-ing it up.

I'm just starting to try to work through my issues with Mom, and TBH, it's very hard for me to not reverting to feeling like a sullen teenager. And, right now, it's feeling like that's not likely to change. Logically, I know that's not true; it'll change. Thank you for talking so candidly.

FireSprite

Ohhhhh, I have my days.

We have always had a saying, "Never ask Fire a question unless you are ready to hear the answer".... because sugar-coating & molly-coddling grown adults is not my job. I used it in all the wrong ways for so long - oh the complaining I used to do when I still lived in that "glass-half-empty" world.

But yes, I've had to learn to tame my sharp tongue & I've benefitted from that as well - I never want to come off as so sharp & cutting. People will never hear me if that's how they perceive me; sometimes my vocabulary alone is enough to put people off. So while I never want to dumb myself down, I also don't want to come off condescending. Fine line, because so much depends on how others perceive things too & that's completely out of my control.


Another fascinating aspect of all this is my Sister - her entire childhood experience is completely different than mine. She's gone so far as to say that in her perception of family roles, I'm more like her mother & mom is more like her sister. She said she came to me when she needed guidance, mom when she needed a friend & doesn't remember a time when it wasn't that way. That makes things very, very difficult now as adults no matter how much I change on my side when she's unwilling to address her damage fully.

When she & I have been able to sit & talk, others have remarked that it's like we grew up in different households, with different rules - almost the way you see in kids after families break & reblend or parents remarry. Not at all the way 2 siblings, just a couple of years apart, with the same mom & dad in the home, tend to experience childhood.

I try not to think much about it, except where it intersects with my own life & healing. Earlier this year I was pondering whether I was crossing the street with this - that maybe she HAS grown more than I'm seeing & it's MY perspective that needs to change. Then I had a regular 'ol Girls Night Out with my friends, one of which is my sister's BFF - we have a completely separate relationship & we never discuss my sister at all. But that night, out of the blue (but relative to the topic being discussed), she said, "For instance, I have learned to never EVER bring up your dad in conversation with your sister unless she does first - that is a sure way to set her off into a hellstorm that gets out of control fast. Wow."

Ahhhhh... I'm NOT crazy! Thank you HP!

It is. (terrifying) And we are. (f-ing it up)

But we're not trying to pretend any different. We're genuine in our human-ness & imperfections. I tell DD all the time that a lot of my parenting isn't about leading her through the fire, it's about being willing to hold her hand & walk through it WITH her until she's ready to let go on her side. That I can promise to grow & learn & try to figure out how to Let Go when the time is right.

theuncertainty

It's funny that you mention that it seems like you and your sister grew up in different homes rather than the same one. I've recently been thinking that it feels like my sister grew up with a different mom. Oh, the recent stories of forgetfulness or dropping us or our kids in order to take care of someone else are the same, but my sister feels it didn't start until we were older, but I can point back to instances from grade school.

Thank you for that reminder.

Pathwaytofree

I can definitely attest to having the same exact experience. It seriously was as if my sister and I grew up in different homes and with a different mother. And, no, this isn't because she and I had different behaviors or different perceptions/sensitivities. She was the golden child, who could do no wrong, and like a queen. I was the scapegoat child, who could do no right, and treated like a slave. I am not meaning to be dramatic. I just can't think of other terms to use for the extreme difference in how we were treated.

I'm happier now. I like the person I am because of the hardships I overcame. My sister? She's an arrogant, judgemental, opinionated, narcissistic, snobby, cruel, holier-than-thou bitch who gets a power-thrill out of putting those she views as inferior down or embarrassing them in front of others and bragging about it with snide remarks and an evil smile. It's disgusting, actually.

FireSprite

Yep - I get this. My parents decided very early in my sister's life that she wasn't capable of handling difficult stuff & spent her entire life avoiding telling her anything "real", completely coddling her emotionally.

On the flip side - there was literally nothing I wasn't exposed to & told to just "deal" because life was tough & it was better that I figured that out early, since, after all, I could handle it. Dad even compared us to trees - she was a willow that would bend with every wind & follow rather than lead, while I was the oak with deep & widespread roots & strong enough to withstand major storms.

She's only become "this" person over the last couple of years. It cannot be irony that this coincides with her most recent relationship. He is severely codie himself, and there were so many red flags when I met his family that I couldn't deny but also couldn't point out - not my monkey, ya know? But it has absolutely influenced her going Super-Codie & her opinions about how I'm "handling everything all wrong" (that's what she told my BFF) since being in recovery myself. She believes I need to "get over it already" & "stop being so angry".

Sigh. Sure - that's all that it is. I'm just angry, hard & cold.

Pathwaytofree

I'm so sorry FireSprite. Hugs

I wish I could say the right thing to help you let go of that anger. I held onto my anger over how my family treated me for many decades. It nearly killed me. Now I am free from most of the anger because I see them as flawed people who parented without a manual.

I know it's easier said than done, but what helped me was to separate myself from them physically, mentally, and emotionally. Kinda like throwing oneself out of a tornado, brushing yourself off, and climbing back into life without getting sucked back in.

FireSprite

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear - I really DON'T carry a lot of anger around. When I have it, it's temporary & relative to something specific triggering me.... I work through it, move on, as best I can.

I've really never had a lot of anger though - I do believe everyone has done the best they can with what they are working with at the time. When it comes to my mom's abuse, I find it amazing that she survived it mentally & there's no way I can comprehend what it was like for her to have kept something like that buried for so long. It just doesn't change MY reality or MY life experiences.

They perceive my boundaries as anger-driven ultimatums. They believe them to be temporary reactions rather than the result of many years of difficult recovery work toward building healthier habits. My husband is struggling with this too - he's just not as difficult to deal with about it, which sorta twists my mind a little. In all of his "issues" he's a lot more willing to take accountability, try & fail but try again.

But in their eyes he's "worse-than" and the thing they want to point to & say, "There!! That right there is your REAL problem - it has nothing to do with US at all, you're just lashing out at everyone because of him."

And then I struggle to clarify that without defending him - because he HAS been a moron but they don't have the right to assign 100% of blame like that.... and it's not TRUE.


I've told all of them many times in the recent past that yes, I've changed, but not just because I'm able to stand up & vocalize my needs better - I'm able to DEFINE them in order to speak them better too. Some of this stuff *I* didn't even know about myself.

If everyone would stop treating me like who I used to be & embrace & accept the person that I am, we could ALL move forward. But their version of that requires me to go back to someone I refuse to be & I can't get them to understand that this is what they are asking of me..... our worlds have diverged now so we have entirely different mindsets, different languages & definitions. So far, the only way I've found to make it "right" is to acquiesce, fake it, deal with discomfort & put my authentic self on a leash in order to interact with them. That's a Band-Aid, not a long-term solution.... and we are getting to the point in the story where this quick-fix is falling apart & no longer working.

SmallButMighty

Amen sister.

That one paragraph pretty much sums up the metamorphosis I find myself going through as well.

My mother and others are baffled by the "new" me. It really isn't the "new" me though, it's the authentic me. The me that for too long was bound up in a lifetime of codependence, both my own and other peoples. I've cast that off and it's as though they resent this version of me. They can't comprehend my changing for my own betterment, because they are all still so caught up in their own dysfunctional thinking.

Like you Fire, I am struggling to find the place of peace with my loved ones....but thems' some murky damn waters.....