Four years on
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Four years on
Almost exactly four years ago, I found myself new to this forum. My RAH had checked himself into rehab and I was an absolute, total and utter mess. The first thing that I really wanted to know when I came here was, "Is there such a thing as a happy ending?" "Can my marriage survive this?".
I thought I would come back here, four years on to answer those questions for my 4 years ago self. To be honest, I don't recognize that person anymore. I can't say "it feels like it happened to someone else" because if I allow myself to focus on that period of my life for too long, I begin to acutely remember those feelings and I can go to a bad head space real quick. That's really the reason I have stayed away from this forum for so long because it was kind of a reminder of where I was and for a long time re reading my old posts would bring up a lot of nasty feelings. I'm at the point now where I can remind myself that none of that is happening now and remind myself of all the good in my life......so here I am.
4 years ago I wasn't sure my marriage would survive. A lot of marriages don't and that's ok too. Today, RAH and I have 12 years of marriage behind us. If he starts drinking again, that will be that as I can't be with him if he's drinking for my own safety. I don't constantly think about that anymore though, or wonder about when the other shoe is going to drop. Is our marriage perfect? No. There has been a LOT we have had to work through. The trust was totally broken and that has manifested in a numer of ways. It's better but not there yet and I'm ok with that. I spent a good year hating his guts. I stayed through that out if sheer stubbornness but I'm glad I did.
Mostly, I've changed. I am not that broken person I was anymore. Thanks to a wonderful therapist and learning to practice mindfulness, I am less hard on myself. I frequently wrote here of feeling unmoored. Most of that had to do with the fact that I had no concept of grounding myself and being clear in what is under my control or not. Thanks to being mindful and being present in the moment, most of the time I feel on very solid ground. I know I'm in a lot of trouble when I have that feeling of being tossed around in a rough sea. I've experienced a bit of that recently with a lot of life stressors hitting all at once. I used to really not want to live anymore. Every stressor was a disaster. I used to think k that I was weak. Now I know how strong I am to have survived all that.
I've had some serious life challenges in the last year. I was diagnosed with Stargardt Disease which is an early onset form of macular degeneration with no treatment. The future is very uncertain in terms of how much vision I will eventually lose. Ots m as de ne have to find new ways of doing things. I was seriously assaulted by a Male client who was under the influence of alcohol which brought up some nasty feelings from the past. 4 year ago me would probably not still be around after all that, tbh. What doesn't kill you........
I have mended fences with my mother in law and sister in law. Our relationships look much different but they are healthy. We all just enjoyed a fabulous week at the beach for the first time in 5 years. It was awesome. I have forgiven my father. I don't approve of his behavior, and I choose to not engage him on certain things, but I can honestly say I love him unconditionally which I could not say then.
So, all you new comers........can your marriage be saved? Maybe. If it can or can't, that's ok. Is there a happy ending in your future? There can be. It takes time and a LOT of hard and oftentimes painful work, but it totally can be.
I thought I would come back here, four years on to answer those questions for my 4 years ago self. To be honest, I don't recognize that person anymore. I can't say "it feels like it happened to someone else" because if I allow myself to focus on that period of my life for too long, I begin to acutely remember those feelings and I can go to a bad head space real quick. That's really the reason I have stayed away from this forum for so long because it was kind of a reminder of where I was and for a long time re reading my old posts would bring up a lot of nasty feelings. I'm at the point now where I can remind myself that none of that is happening now and remind myself of all the good in my life......so here I am.
4 years ago I wasn't sure my marriage would survive. A lot of marriages don't and that's ok too. Today, RAH and I have 12 years of marriage behind us. If he starts drinking again, that will be that as I can't be with him if he's drinking for my own safety. I don't constantly think about that anymore though, or wonder about when the other shoe is going to drop. Is our marriage perfect? No. There has been a LOT we have had to work through. The trust was totally broken and that has manifested in a numer of ways. It's better but not there yet and I'm ok with that. I spent a good year hating his guts. I stayed through that out if sheer stubbornness but I'm glad I did.
Mostly, I've changed. I am not that broken person I was anymore. Thanks to a wonderful therapist and learning to practice mindfulness, I am less hard on myself. I frequently wrote here of feeling unmoored. Most of that had to do with the fact that I had no concept of grounding myself and being clear in what is under my control or not. Thanks to being mindful and being present in the moment, most of the time I feel on very solid ground. I know I'm in a lot of trouble when I have that feeling of being tossed around in a rough sea. I've experienced a bit of that recently with a lot of life stressors hitting all at once. I used to really not want to live anymore. Every stressor was a disaster. I used to think k that I was weak. Now I know how strong I am to have survived all that.
I've had some serious life challenges in the last year. I was diagnosed with Stargardt Disease which is an early onset form of macular degeneration with no treatment. The future is very uncertain in terms of how much vision I will eventually lose. Ots m as de ne have to find new ways of doing things. I was seriously assaulted by a Male client who was under the influence of alcohol which brought up some nasty feelings from the past. 4 year ago me would probably not still be around after all that, tbh. What doesn't kill you........
I have mended fences with my mother in law and sister in law. Our relationships look much different but they are healthy. We all just enjoyed a fabulous week at the beach for the first time in 5 years. It was awesome. I have forgiven my father. I don't approve of his behavior, and I choose to not engage him on certain things, but I can honestly say I love him unconditionally which I could not say then.
So, all you new comers........can your marriage be saved? Maybe. If it can or can't, that's ok. Is there a happy ending in your future? There can be. It takes time and a LOT of hard and oftentimes painful work, but it totally can be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Terpgirl, so good to hear a story where you managed to hold your marriage together, and I'm sure a lot of credit goes to your husband's determination as well.
He must have really wanted to be with you, and to save himself, because it's hard to stop drinking when you're an A. No matter how good the program or the rehab it has to come from within.
Isn't therapy fantastic when it works? All those stressors, and you had the tools to deal with them. I hope you go from strength to strength.
He must have really wanted to be with you, and to save himself, because it's hard to stop drinking when you're an A. No matter how good the program or the rehab it has to come from within.
Isn't therapy fantastic when it works? All those stressors, and you had the tools to deal with them. I hope you go from strength to strength.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi Terpgirl, so good to hear a story where you managed to hold your marriage together, and I'm sure a lot of credit goes to your husband's determination as well.
He must have really wanted to be with you, and to save himself, because it's hard to stop drinking when you're an A. No matter how good the program or the rehab it has to come from within.
Isn't therapy fantastic when it works? All those stressors, and you had the tools to deal with them. I hope you go from strength to strength.
He must have really wanted to be with you, and to save himself, because it's hard to stop drinking when you're an A. No matter how good the program or the rehab it has to come from within.
Isn't therapy fantastic when it works? All those stressors, and you had the tools to deal with them. I hope you go from strength to strength.
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