No More

Old 09-16-2018, 04:20 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 6
No More

It's been a rough last couple weeks with my BF. His drinking binges bumped up to every other day heavy drinking and then drinking to "cure" the hangover. Other chemical use in the mix. I'm exhausted. This morning was the last straw. He had been up all night drinking..unbeknownst to me cuz I was sleeping. Discovered he was also high and demanded to know where he had his stash and to get it out of the house. He refused to say. Beat around the bush. Changed the subject. Yelled at me for things I have said or done in the past. Anything to deflect from admitting where he was hiding it. I blocked the doorway and things got physical. I told him to pack his things and get out. He did. We have been together almost a year, with him living here since early Spring. He hasn't been able to hold a job but a month out of the last year. Has been let go from the past 3 or 4 jobs he's had. I just could not take it anymore. He needs help. More than I can provide. He was sober when we first started dating. Its progressed to this. I feel like a fool for hoping he would change, and have enabled him by letting him live here. No more.
Snickers123 is offline  
Old 09-16-2018, 11:23 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I'm sorry. I understand because I am going through the same thing. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My only idea is to move out of my own place because he won't leave and he won't get help. I hope you are ok?
Amusic is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 02:40 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Snickers I commend you for getting out of a toxic situation.

Physical abuse is a deal breaker. Without mutual respect ,a relationship cannot thrive

The writing is on the wall, he cannot hold down a steady job, The addiction is currently ruling his life.

I am sorry for what you have been thru, and perhaps the silver lining in this can be that you have only invested one year of your life to learn what an unacceptable quality of life we live when we allow active addicts into our intimate circle.

He is an adult, he gets to address his life issues. You are correct, he needs help, but he has to want help. There is no genie in the bottle granting wishes in this equation. Our love for them cannot wish this disease away.

Keep posting, it helps, we understand.
marie1960 is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 03:12 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Snickers, my “never again” day was in April. I know how you feel and I am glad that you told him to leave—that was not an easy thing for you to do.

Please get your locks changed ASAP so that he cannot get back into your home. Make your own safety the priority right now. Do not worry about him at all (and I know that will be very hard) as he does not care about you—he only cares about the substance(s) that he uses.

Abuse escalates and the fact that he has been physical is a good indicator that he will continue to be physical with you. Think about getting a protection order. Also understand that alcohol or other substances didn’t make him an abuser, so sobriety will not cure abuse; substances increase the violence and the frequency, he was always an abuser.

I know how overwhelmed you feel right now because I have been there. I always heard that there are “more people than you know who are willing to help you” and that part is true. It’s coming face-to-face with your own truth and where you are at this point that is difficult; get to that and you can begin to talk with others and accept their help.

I wish you well. Please be safe.
Leelee168 is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 06:11 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I also commend you for taking back your life and ending this toxic relationship. And you can rest assure that he took his stash with him. Now comes the hard part, staying broken up and keeping him out of your home for good.
atalose is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 12:00 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
Snickers I commend you for getting out of a toxic situation.

Physical abuse is a deal breaker. Without mutual respect ,a relationship cannot thrive

The writing is on the wall, he cannot hold down a steady job, The addiction is currently ruling his life.
I am sorry for what you have been thru, and perhaps the silver lining in this can be that you have only invested one year of your life to learn what an unacceptable quality of life we live when we allow active addicts into our intimate circle.

He is an adult, he gets to address his life issues. You are correct, he needs help, but he has to want help. There is no genie in the bottle granting wishes in this equation. Our love for them cannot wish this disease away.

Keep posting, it helps, we understand.
I couldn't believe it was happening. The physical abuse. I think I'm still in shock.

I would have had him move out weeks ago, but knowing he would love back in with his mother, who looks the other way with his using and drinking, made me hesitant. At least, I thought, here someone was calling him out and attempting to hold him responsible. In the end, it only made the lies and sneaking around happen more. I didn't know what I was going to come home to after work. I was sometimes leaving the house to get some peace.

I could not have my kids and granddaughter over when he was drinking. His behavior unpredictable. I had so much guilt!!! So isolating!!!

I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I'm familiar, and have gotten involved with Alanon in the past in order to help with issues with my sister and ex-husband. He has to want to do the work to get sober. I know some meetings will help.

I deserve peace. We all do.

Thanks so much for your care and concern!
Snickers123 is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 12:08 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I also commend you for taking back your life and ending this toxic relationship. And you can rest assure that he took his stash with him. Now comes the hard part, staying broken up and keeping him out of your home for good.
There are still a few items in the garage that he couldn't fit in his vehicle. And his bike is at the neighbors house. So he will be back. When? Idk. I'm sure you're right about the stash. He would rather throw me around than admit where is was. I need to remember that part...so I can do the hard part like you said. I can hardly believe it yet.

Thanks so much!
Snickers123 is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 12:50 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
We tend to reminisce about all the good parts. We get ourselves all caught up in how it was and how it could have been. We find ourselves missing those moments and times and we begin to miss them. But it's the ending that we should never ever forget!

Don’t let those items he left behind become negotiation tools for him. Addicts never ever negotiate fairly, don’t forget that.
atalose is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 02:14 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There are still a few items in the garage that he couldn't fit in his vehicle. And his bike is at the neighbors house. So he will be back. When? Idk. I'm sure you're right about the stash.
I strongly suggest not being home alone when he returns for stuff. Can someone else let him in? Or, can a friend be with you?
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 05:13 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
I strongly suggest not being home alone when he returns for stuff. Can someone else let him in? Or, can a friend be with you?

I will make sure someone else is around. I want to be there so he doesn't take or ruin anything that's mine. Good advice...thank you
Snickers123 is offline  
Old 09-17-2018, 05:56 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,927
Snickers123,
He needs help. More than I can provide.

This is key! You are lucky to have come to this realization. I wasted a lot of time and went through years of heartache before realizing that the addict/alcoholic's problem is way bigger than anything I can do to try and "affect" it or get them to stop! Try to remember this is so true if you start to falter and as atalose said: We tend to reminisce about all the good parts. We get ourselves all caught up in how it was and how it could have been .

Play the tape all the way through to the end. Take good care of yourself!
Peace,
B.
Bernadette is offline  
Old 09-18-2018, 06:57 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
We tend to reminisce about all the good parts. We get ourselves all caught up in how it was and how it could have been. We find ourselves missing those moments and times and we begin to miss them. But it's the ending that we should never ever forget!

Don’t let those items he left behind become negotiation tools for him. Addicts never ever negotiate fairly, don’t forget that.
Now that I think back on things, everything was a negotiation. Every apology had a "but" attached to it. I'm going to have my locks changed as soon as I can, as he took a copy with him.
Snickers123 is offline  
Old 09-18-2018, 07:52 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm going to have my locks changed as soon as I can, as he took a copy with him.
Smart move!!
atalose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:08 PM.