CedarTexas

Starting a new thread. Why do alcoholics gas light? In my event my XAGF relapsed and decided to drink on the day my grandmother died. Then for the next three days, she tried to tell me that I was the bad person, that I hurt her, that she couldn't trust me, didn't know if she loved me or wanted to marry me. NO compassion for me and the death of my grandmother. After my 2nd mother died, no phone call, no text, no email.....but I'm the bad guy? For the last few months I've been the one apologizing for how I reacted.....nothing from her...... no more my friends!

FeelingGreat

I'm glad you're eyes are opening Cedar. I see she's your XAGF, yet you're writing about her as if she's your current GF? Are you still emotionally tied to her to the extent that you look to her for support?

She has let you down repeatedly; lower your expectations and distance yourself from her. There are others who can give you what you seek, but you need to cut her off to find them.

Glenjo99

First thing that came to mind was because they are idiots but on reflection that's not very fair, they are dealing with a disease and we love them. That said I've been trying to stop analysing why he does/did what he did and start loving myself more. Hard bloody work this is. 🙄

BoxinRotz

It's easier to make you feel like you made them drink. When in reality, they can just smell the color 7.

It's all a mind game.

SparkleKitty

If they can make you believe YOU are their biggest problem, they can continue to put off dealing with the fact that THEY are.

Carpathia

Probably when someone acts this way, they've gone far away from their true selves. A sane person doesn't need to twist reality and invent mean stories about others unless, subconsciously, they're frantically trying to avoid the pain of looking at their own internal stories, history and the physical discomfort that comes with trauma. They need therapy, and if they are numbing out with drugs and alcohol, they need sobriety too. You did not cause it, you can't control her, and you can't cure her.

CodeJob

Personally I found a few articles by Floyd Garrett best at helping me understand why addicts do what they do. I actually printed two of the articles out and highlighted them and made notes, I carried them around like talismans along with The Language of Letting Go and my bookmark was a laminated Serenity Prayer.

I realized I was just a bit player and audience to an internal mental struggle.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Glenjo99

Oh God. Even the thought of only being a bit player is so hard to acknowledge, but it's true. Only a small part when we convince ourselves we were their everything.

I too read language of letting go daily. Very early days for me in codependent recovery.

dandylion

CodeJob…..the article by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. has always been one of my favorite articles in explaining the "alcoholic thinking".....

FindingAmy

It truly is remembering that they think differently, their entire lens is different, so those painful moments are their stuff. So much is hard for them to face head on, which is where we need to deal with pain, so they stuff it down and are able to release the pressure through blame, gas lighting, etc.

I had a life coach that said to me, "it wasn't about loving him, it was about being in love with his potential". And that's it. Always hoping they will be someone they're not, someone without the disease of addiction/alcoholism, someone who can connect and listen and hear, someone who can handle vulnerability and intimacy, someone who can offer sympathy, empathy and love. The potential may be there, but it's nearly impossible for them to get there without doing the deep hard work AND getting sober. And that's where our work of letting go and having compassion for who they are and knowing that none of this has anything to do with us. This was all there far before you came into the picture.

The question is, what do you want for you? What are you willing to accept for you? What do you need to love yourself? What is the lesson you were meant to learn from the experience? What do YOU want that will feed your soul?

I owned a biz with my XAH. When a client would die I was told to go buy flowers, cards, etc. for the surviving spouse. When my mother died, who he was very close with, his response was "wow". That was it. No more. And there was no more to expect from him. Anything more would've required feeling and compassion on his part. A client's death was easy and he knew what to do. His mother-in-law's death he shut down. It had nothing to do with me.

Focus on you and your needs. Love yourself today because you are amazing and the strongest person you know. Sending you love today.

NYCDoglvr

You convinced me. So why are you still communicating with her?

CedarTexas

I guess I still keep in contact with her, usually with a text, every so often is that I miss what we had before she relapsed. She had 400+ days of sobriety, was working AA hard, seeing a therapist, meditating daily, going to church. It was great! That's why I asked her to marry me. We did have a really good and happy life, Then from the time she relapsed to the time we ended our relationship was about 72 hours. I ended it because I had no idea what to do because I had never seen her drink, she was saying all these nasty things about me, my grandmother had just died. It was a perfect storm. Most people have said that I dodged a bullet, but the people that knew us said we were an amazing couple. I know she has to do her own healing and I have to do mine. I told her I still loved her and wanted to work things out. She said that she was happy with her life, didn't know where life would take her, and did not want to work it out. I respect that. It's hard letting go, but I'm working on it!