Today was a tough day
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Today was a tough day
As you may know, my XAH walked out three years ago after a few months in recovery after 26 years of marriage. i took the next three years to heal some very old trauma, wounds from being married to an alcoholic and the nightmare of his leaving. Mourning the loss of the illusion of what never was and never will be. As well as mourning alot of family loss. Three years. It was alot of work.
I thought his leaving was hard. Then I thought when he filed for divorce, that was hard. Then I thought the two mediations were hard. Divorce court, thought that was hard. Then as we owned a business together, I had to work with him for 6 more months (tomorrow is the last day-woohoo), I thought those 6 months were hard. I thought packing to move was hard. (And all of those things WERE very hard, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally)
Well, moving day was today and it was REALLY hard. I sold my home a couple of months ago and today was the day. And it was emotionally a culmination of all i've been feeling the past 3 years and it sucker punched me pretty damn hard.
I had a box I was putting in my car of paperwork and I wanted to thin it out, so i went through it. It was all the deeds to all the homes we've bought and sold over the years as a family. That really made me cry. Such hope of a future. Then a couple of months ago i had taken all of his pics out of my albums to give to my kids so they have pics of them with their father when they were little. i didn't want them. but there were hundreds. Being the mom we take all the pics of everyone else having fun. So i started thinning that out. Pics from when we were dating, to the kids being born, to them graduating high school. That really stung. A whole lifetime. i was with him since i was 22. Im 52 now.
I went to the place of where did it all go wrong? when did it go off the rails so badly? then i went to the place of shame, of maybe if i had been nicer and less controlling, he'd still be here and we'd still be a family. it went downhill fast.
I thought, how is it, he just left after so many years of marriage and didn't even take clothes. how did he just leave and never look back? and im in an emotional puddle on the floor? in fact, i had to leave to go to a hotel, as closing is tomorrow and I couldn't do it. i just laid at the door to the garage to leave, crying. reliving the 30 years of knowing him.
then i sat and did some very deep breathing. and had to come back to reality. and remember that for years before he left i hid in my closet crying, daily. he was never present, all the stuff that used to make me sad, frustrated and crazy isn't in my life anymore. i have freedom and peace. i have hope of an incredibly bright future. no more dead weight. no more alcoholic crap. no more being mommy to a grown man.
yes, i miss having my "family" and i have to redefine what family is now. there is no going back. i have worked very hard to love myself again. i abandoned me for so many years, i can't do that again. today was a hard day. there will always be hard days. and that's ok. i had to be gentle to me, give myself a hug, breathe, love myself for my strength, be proud of the hard work ive done and how far i've come. some days will be tough. and that's ok. some days will be easy. and that's ok. ive got me. as i sit in this quiet hotel room tonight i can breathe. the next leg of my journey begins tonight. it's all ok.
in a couple of days i fly across the country to stay with family for a few weeks and then i backpack solo in southeast asia for a few months. all me time. and then after that i'll find a place to live, 3000 miles away from where i was. a fresh clean start. this is the day i've been dreaming of for so many years. today was hard, but im still here and im ok and will continue to be ok, more than ok.
I thought his leaving was hard. Then I thought when he filed for divorce, that was hard. Then I thought the two mediations were hard. Divorce court, thought that was hard. Then as we owned a business together, I had to work with him for 6 more months (tomorrow is the last day-woohoo), I thought those 6 months were hard. I thought packing to move was hard. (And all of those things WERE very hard, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally)
Well, moving day was today and it was REALLY hard. I sold my home a couple of months ago and today was the day. And it was emotionally a culmination of all i've been feeling the past 3 years and it sucker punched me pretty damn hard.
I had a box I was putting in my car of paperwork and I wanted to thin it out, so i went through it. It was all the deeds to all the homes we've bought and sold over the years as a family. That really made me cry. Such hope of a future. Then a couple of months ago i had taken all of his pics out of my albums to give to my kids so they have pics of them with their father when they were little. i didn't want them. but there were hundreds. Being the mom we take all the pics of everyone else having fun. So i started thinning that out. Pics from when we were dating, to the kids being born, to them graduating high school. That really stung. A whole lifetime. i was with him since i was 22. Im 52 now.
I went to the place of where did it all go wrong? when did it go off the rails so badly? then i went to the place of shame, of maybe if i had been nicer and less controlling, he'd still be here and we'd still be a family. it went downhill fast.
I thought, how is it, he just left after so many years of marriage and didn't even take clothes. how did he just leave and never look back? and im in an emotional puddle on the floor? in fact, i had to leave to go to a hotel, as closing is tomorrow and I couldn't do it. i just laid at the door to the garage to leave, crying. reliving the 30 years of knowing him.
then i sat and did some very deep breathing. and had to come back to reality. and remember that for years before he left i hid in my closet crying, daily. he was never present, all the stuff that used to make me sad, frustrated and crazy isn't in my life anymore. i have freedom and peace. i have hope of an incredibly bright future. no more dead weight. no more alcoholic crap. no more being mommy to a grown man.
yes, i miss having my "family" and i have to redefine what family is now. there is no going back. i have worked very hard to love myself again. i abandoned me for so many years, i can't do that again. today was a hard day. there will always be hard days. and that's ok. i had to be gentle to me, give myself a hug, breathe, love myself for my strength, be proud of the hard work ive done and how far i've come. some days will be tough. and that's ok. some days will be easy. and that's ok. ive got me. as i sit in this quiet hotel room tonight i can breathe. the next leg of my journey begins tonight. it's all ok.
in a couple of days i fly across the country to stay with family for a few weeks and then i backpack solo in southeast asia for a few months. all me time. and then after that i'll find a place to live, 3000 miles away from where i was. a fresh clean start. this is the day i've been dreaming of for so many years. today was hard, but im still here and im ok and will continue to be ok, more than ok.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
yes, i miss having my "family" and i have to redefine what family is now. there is no going back. i have worked very hard to love myself again. i abandoned me for so many years, i can't do that again. today was a hard day. there will always be hard days. and that's ok. i had to be gentle to me, give myself a hug, breathe, love myself for my strength, be proud of the hard work ive done and how far i've come. some days will be tough. and that's ok. some days will be easy. and that's ok. ive got me. as i sit in this quiet hotel room tonight i can breathe. the next leg of my journey begins tonight. it's all ok.
in a couple of days i fly across the country to stay with family for a few weeks and then i backpack solo in southeast asia for a few months. all me time. and then after that i'll find a place to live, 3000 miles away from where i was. a fresh clean start. this is the day i've been dreaming of for so many years. today was hard, but im still here and im ok and will continue to be ok, more than ok.
in a couple of days i fly across the country to stay with family for a few weeks and then i backpack solo in southeast asia for a few months. all me time. and then after that i'll find a place to live, 3000 miles away from where i was. a fresh clean start. this is the day i've been dreaming of for so many years. today was hard, but im still here and im ok and will continue to be ok, more than ok.
(((hugs)))
Thanks for being here. Thanks for posting.
Wow. Healing journeys, indeed!
I get it. The breakdowns and looking back. The emotions getting worked out in whatever way it takes. The picking up and moving forward.
May your relationships with loving friends and family be blessed. May your travels be filled with joy, wonder, healing and adventure.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Amy, You might not feel that you are strong, but I was absolutely wowed with all of the grace you have shown. I’m also both impressed by, and jealous of, your plans to go backpacking solo in Asia. I hope that you stay in touch, when you can, and let us know of your travels.
The questions of why (mostly, with me, it’s the why that I struggle with), when did things really go off the rails (I figured this one out), could I have stopped it (no, I have learned this is a pattern with him and that he’s been an alcoholic for a long, long time, he just kept it well hidden at first), etc. still get to me, too. We want to fix things even though we know we can’t fix what happened in the past. Sometimes I go to the place where I feel like I could have stopped it—but we both know that with an alcoholic, we were powerless. He made this happen with his own choices.
Crazy, isn’t it, how a piece of paper can set off a tidal wave of feelings. “Some day” we’re not going to have this reaction and I hope, for both of us, that the “someday” gets here sooner, rather than later.
Big hugs. Safe travels.
The questions of why (mostly, with me, it’s the why that I struggle with), when did things really go off the rails (I figured this one out), could I have stopped it (no, I have learned this is a pattern with him and that he’s been an alcoholic for a long, long time, he just kept it well hidden at first), etc. still get to me, too. We want to fix things even though we know we can’t fix what happened in the past. Sometimes I go to the place where I feel like I could have stopped it—but we both know that with an alcoholic, we were powerless. He made this happen with his own choices.
Crazy, isn’t it, how a piece of paper can set off a tidal wave of feelings. “Some day” we’re not going to have this reaction and I hope, for both of us, that the “someday” gets here sooner, rather than later.
Big hugs. Safe travels.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Add me to the list of folks impressed & awed.....
You've come so far, so fast Amy...... I cannot WAIT to hear where your next adventure leads you.
I mean, some of us joke here about pulling an "Eat, Pray, Love".... but you're actually sorta DOING IT.
You've come so far, so fast Amy...... I cannot WAIT to hear where your next adventure leads you.
I mean, some of us joke here about pulling an "Eat, Pray, Love".... but you're actually sorta DOING IT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Ohh, you guys are the best. Last night I got to the hotel, posted on the forum and passed out. I had the best night's sleep i've had in years! I went to work today for the last time. I got him caught up with work and the new girl who is doing one of my jobs.
He went to the bathroom and the new girl said "i don't think I can do this, he can't communicate, he doesn't listen, he says things that aren't true. i'm not sure i can continue". omg. i thought after 3 weeks or whatever it's been? I did it for 26 years! i have compassion for what she's about to embark on as i have compassion for me and what i endured. the validation i've gotten over the past few weeks that i wasn't crazy all those years has been priceless.
As we left he asked to talk to me. First time since he walked, he now wanted to talk. He just started crying, patted me on the arm, said "youll do great and i'll do great". I realized right then and there, my three years of healing made me strong and allowed me to work through so much pain. He hasn't even started his healing. Having an affair and living with his girlfriend was fun and games I think until it became a reality that the safety blanket was getting on a plane and leaving. He just stepped into reality today.
I said "listen, yesterday moving was a hard day for me. but in the end the greatest gift you ever gave me was leaving and the second greatest gift you gave me was not coming back when i begged you to." I said "we both want different things out of life, i am strong, I am smart and i will be totally fine." i said "i will never understand why you left, and i used to obsess over it. i still don't know, but i do know one thing and that it didn't have to do with me. that was your stuff." he just nodded with his head down. "good luck to you and your girlfriend, i truly wish you all the best". And he just sat there with tears in his eyes. I said "if there is anything you want to say to me, now is the time to say it. i'm all ears" and he couldn't say a word. and THAT is something i will never settle for again in my life. Be vulnerable, be open, be truthful, be present. I know what i want in life. And I really felt such compassion for him today and actually do, wish him well.
I got in my car and someone called me and said everyone is complaining about him and he's not listening to anyone. i said "i can't help you. and I feel for all of you, but i'm done. you will all figure it out".
i had complete freedom today. nobody to worry about but me. i had the last of the heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. and life really is funny. while yesterday was so hard and so emotional, it was like my last hurdle to get over in this marriage. closing the door on the family home. and i did it. i did it. on my own. im sure there will be rough days again ahead, but i have learned so much over the years in how to breathe and let the pain flow through me. it's all ok.
i now will look at today and the incredible future waiting for me. i can't wait to see what lies ahead. Adventures...let's go!!!!
Thanks for all the support and understanding over the years. I will be checking in after my trip. I can't wait to put my pack on and take on my adventure!! So excited and forever grateful that he left me. I literally would've stayed unhappy forever not knowing what was wrong. Onward all!! Theres a huge life waiting for all of us!!
He went to the bathroom and the new girl said "i don't think I can do this, he can't communicate, he doesn't listen, he says things that aren't true. i'm not sure i can continue". omg. i thought after 3 weeks or whatever it's been? I did it for 26 years! i have compassion for what she's about to embark on as i have compassion for me and what i endured. the validation i've gotten over the past few weeks that i wasn't crazy all those years has been priceless.
As we left he asked to talk to me. First time since he walked, he now wanted to talk. He just started crying, patted me on the arm, said "youll do great and i'll do great". I realized right then and there, my three years of healing made me strong and allowed me to work through so much pain. He hasn't even started his healing. Having an affair and living with his girlfriend was fun and games I think until it became a reality that the safety blanket was getting on a plane and leaving. He just stepped into reality today.
I said "listen, yesterday moving was a hard day for me. but in the end the greatest gift you ever gave me was leaving and the second greatest gift you gave me was not coming back when i begged you to." I said "we both want different things out of life, i am strong, I am smart and i will be totally fine." i said "i will never understand why you left, and i used to obsess over it. i still don't know, but i do know one thing and that it didn't have to do with me. that was your stuff." he just nodded with his head down. "good luck to you and your girlfriend, i truly wish you all the best". And he just sat there with tears in his eyes. I said "if there is anything you want to say to me, now is the time to say it. i'm all ears" and he couldn't say a word. and THAT is something i will never settle for again in my life. Be vulnerable, be open, be truthful, be present. I know what i want in life. And I really felt such compassion for him today and actually do, wish him well.
I got in my car and someone called me and said everyone is complaining about him and he's not listening to anyone. i said "i can't help you. and I feel for all of you, but i'm done. you will all figure it out".
i had complete freedom today. nobody to worry about but me. i had the last of the heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. and life really is funny. while yesterday was so hard and so emotional, it was like my last hurdle to get over in this marriage. closing the door on the family home. and i did it. i did it. on my own. im sure there will be rough days again ahead, but i have learned so much over the years in how to breathe and let the pain flow through me. it's all ok.
i now will look at today and the incredible future waiting for me. i can't wait to see what lies ahead. Adventures...let's go!!!!
Thanks for all the support and understanding over the years. I will be checking in after my trip. I can't wait to put my pack on and take on my adventure!! So excited and forever grateful that he left me. I literally would've stayed unhappy forever not knowing what was wrong. Onward all!! Theres a huge life waiting for all of us!!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
My alcoholic husband never leaves, even when I ask him to. I had to become strong enough to leave. Amy, it sounds like you had to do both. First become strong because he left, then become strong enough to leave him now.
No one path. Each strengthens us in different ways. (((hugs)))
Stronger than we ever knew!!
No one path. Each strengthens us in different ways. (((hugs)))
Stronger than we ever knew!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Dandylion, absolutely. Back then I didn't have the strength to leave even though i was so unhappy. I used to wonder how i would survive another 30 years like this. Best gift he ever gave me.
Mango, 3 years ago he left me physically by running away with his pain stuffed so deep he couldn't see it. I left HIM today, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically stronger as a new woman, with tons of healing under my belt, with my head held high. Either way, we are each on our new path and i couldn't ask for anything better.
Mango, 3 years ago he left me physically by running away with his pain stuffed so deep he couldn't see it. I left HIM today, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically stronger as a new woman, with tons of healing under my belt, with my head held high. Either way, we are each on our new path and i couldn't ask for anything better.
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