mamabear26

Ive been super annoyed and super pissed at the same time. I just need to vent to women who understand.

My kids are with me the majority of the time. STBAXH visitation time is the 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend from 9am-2pm for now. After divorce is final it will be from 8am-4pm.

I have noticed a pattern during the week. He will try to reach out to DS11 by texting him. Usually he will text him at least twice a week but DS11 doesn't respond. DS11 doesn't care to speak to him. DS11 has been showing me the texts lately. It sounds like he is trying to get sympathy from DS11. Sending him a text once a week saying "I miss you. I want you to know that I love you and your brother" and then not reaching out to him for 5 days. Its the same cycle every week with the "I love you's and miss you's" but then nothing for a week. It messes with DS11 heart and mind. What's been pissing me off is that after he tries to text my son and doesn't get a response he calls me. I haven't spoken to him on the phone in about 3 months now. I'm the last person on earth that would help him in anyway.


It makes me so angry because he treats my kids like they are his "mistress" (I know that sounds horrible). He will only reach out to them when he is lonely and drunk (when his female friend isn't around). Will show up late to pick them up and ask me if I am going to pick them up early.

He is so arrogant that he thinks he can go days and weeks without acting like a parent then all of a sudden pop up thinking he is going to get a positive response from DS11 or myself. My kids and I do our best to stay away from and not engage with him when its not his time but he still finds ways to mess with emotions in our household.

About 3 weeks ago, DS11 had a break down. DS11 is very monotone. He keeps feelings to himself. He rarely shows emotion to anything. But one night he broke down saying that he "wishes he Dad was there for him." DS11 said he doesn't really care to visit with him at his grandma's all the time but he wishes he Dad would go out of his way to come to him and be there for him. I held back tears. I told DS11 that I know he tries to be strong but one day he needs to tell his Dad how he feels. DS11 said his father wouldn't care.

After seeing my DS11 reactions it just makes me hate him more. And watching the cycle of how he thinks he can pop in and out as he pleases pisses me off. He has no idea how much damage he has caused to our boys and I know he doesn't care as long as he has his daily alcohol and a woman's attention he is just fine.

I need words of wisdom. I don't want to feel so angry but I'm tired of cleaning up all the messes he makes. Its one thing to hurt me but once my kids are effected that's just crossing the line for me.

We have a family therapy session (kids and I) this Friday. I'm hoping that will help.

BoxinRotz

I may be the only one who will suggest this but since your son is feeling emotional n misses his dad, why couldn't he respond to his dad when he texts him? It's always a start. Dad text, Hey son, I miss you and I love you. Your son can text, Hey dad, how are you? Masybe your son is not answering text because he doesn't want to hurt you.

Your ex is reaching out to him. Your son is not responding. You may not like your ex but he is your children's father. I would hate to see those kids miss out on a simple conversation that could mean everything to the child 20, 30 years down the line.

I get it that he is an alcoholic. But at the end of the day, he is their dad. I don't see anything wrong with him reaching out during the week through text, as long as he is not dragging you or the marriage through the mud to your son. If dad keeps it on a father/son relationship, I don't see a problem with your son interacting with his dad.

All of you can flame me now. But I know how it feels to have a parent keep children away from the other parent because they were scorned.

hopeful4

Look at that, we were both married to my X husband!!! Ugh....

I can only say that I 100% understand. My XAH thinks he can parent for an hour then tell me I am doing a terrible job. Ha. Ignorant A$$.

Try to not engage. Eventually your son will come to understand his dad is who he is and that is not going to change. For my children I have tried to make sure they have other people in their lives that can be a strong male figure for them.

I have encouraged my kids to respond when their dad texts them, but I don't make them. Their phones are theirs and standing there forcing them to correspond w/their father is not something I will do. I do however tell them it helps the relationship for everyone if they respond. My wonderful XAH texts my child during school and gets mad if she does not respond. He knows she is not allowed to have her phone during that time. They are very strict about it at her school. Whatever. He never ceases to amaze me.

Sending you HUGE hugs from one momma to another!

mamabear26

I'm not sure if you are suggesting that I'm keeping my son away from his father but that is not the case here.

mamabear26

I agree I don't make my kids answer him. My X would sometimes text and ask me if he could talk to our boys. I would ask each of them. They both would say no. I feel if I knew that he was sober I would maybe encourage them but after knowing him for 14 years when he ask for them he is usually under the influence by then. That's why my DS11 stopped talking to him on the phone because he would often call him while he was under the influence and ramble on about different things.

I do also worry about my kids getting burned by him. Them trying to reach out for love and attention and then not getting a response from him. It has happened before and it is always very hurtful for them.

Thank you hopeful4 for your positive words : )

BoxinRotz

I am not. What I'm saying is if he tells you he misses his dad, it's never to late or wrong for him to interact with him. As long as your ex isn't dragging him through adult issues or being a drunk, ignorant ass.

mamabear26

Yes, it's not too late. But that is something his Dad and him need to figure out. His Dad is the adult in the situation and needs to figure out a different approach to reach out to him.

I'm also positive if he texts him something like "Son, I'm sorry for everything that has happened and that I have put you through. I want to try to make things better between us. I love you."

He will get a response but that would require to him owning up to his faults which he is not well to do. His lying, hiding and covering up will not get his relationship with his kids anywhere.

hopeful4

Wow! I so understand all of this!!! My X texts about himself, and makes himself sound like a victim all the time, even w/issues in dealing w/my kids. That is why they don't want to talk to him, especially older kid (young adult age)who ignores him and it makes him furious, then he texts me, I tell him to leave me out of it, blah, blah, blah. It just happened over the weekend as a matter of fact. They just told him recently they should all go out to dinner one night. He said he would make that happen. It never happened. It's that type of stuff. They were not surprised, they know who he is, he has been showing them through his actions....for years.

I can only say I get you, I get where you are coming from, and I fully validate what you are saying!

mamabear26

The kids suffer the most in these types of situations. While the alcoholic goes about life just fine. My kids have learned the hard way with their dad. When he drops the ball on them, it cuts deep. Its a terrible situation to be in but Im comforted to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

BoxinRotz

I know you are 100% correct in this. I wasn't trying to insinuate that you were keeping him from the kids. I am all for kids having a relationship with both parents, as long as it's healthy for the child. That's all I was trying to say.

trailmix

I totally get this, as a person who was on the other side of the equation (the child).

I don't remember ever doing any serious thinking about this as a child (my parents weren't divorced until I was a teen) I just avoided interaction with him. He was like an outsider in our house really.

The only time he wanted to interact was when he was drunk. There is a reason for that of course, they aren't drinking just for fun, they are drinking and tap in to emotion that is long suppressed.

Now, that is not good for a child, all it causes really is guilt and resentment, not empathy (maybe when they are older, maybe not). So bottom line this is never going to be a nice, balanced relationship.

The difference with me is that my expectations were zero. Now that may be the difference between being a female child rather than a male. I expected nothing and that's what I got so I was never disappointed in that respect.

Terrible to say but, where does your Son get his expectations from? There is hope for his Dad, of course, to step up to the plate at some point but for a child, that's probably not a great foundation. Perhaps a talk about lowering his expectations would be helpful?

mamabear26

I have talked to my son about this. He "hopes" that one day his father will stop drinking and we can be a family again. I have tried to explain to him that we can't force his Dad to get help if he doesn't want to. I do encourage him to pray and ask God to help his Dad and watch over. I know that most children want their parents to be together which us understandable. But even if my STBAXH does ever stop drinking the chance for us to ever reconcile is 0 to none but it's hard to tell my son that.

Mango212

There was a big switch when we (kid and I) started focusing our prayers in new directions. We are thankful for the good things, we ask God for help directly for our own lives (not each others) and we learn to let go of the rest, one day at a time.

Being able to say, "Thank you, God! I really like that!" has become a powerful force of healing..

The rest gets into a more right-size balance. 526 awesome things happened this week. (Completely random number I made up) The rest I will also trust God with.

We acknowledge issues and problems. We then pray, let go, turn back the good in life. These are learned skills.

#thankyougod
#lifeisgood
#newdirections

trailmix

Totally agree with you that most children want their parents to be together.

You know, by telling him there is no chance of a reconciliation, you might actually be doing him a favor.

If he thinks that if his Dad stops drinking you can all be together as a big happy family, what a huge burden that is for him. He hopes, he prays for God to help his Dad so that can happen and yet it never will.

If he separates the two (Dad's drinking and family reunited), might be a burden lifted.

Anyway, just a thought, what does your therapist say about letting them know, if you have discussed it with him/her?

dawnrising

I totally get this. My DD is bombarded with emotional texts. She quit responding because she sees what it is - Manipulation. My AH even stooped as low to insinuate an emergency to get her to respond and when she didn't he spewed out that he was so very hurt and it was unfair.......... He has never taken responsibility for his actions and what he personally put her through he has said "marriage is hard, being an adult is hard ...." My DD is older mind you but I did watch my niece go through something similar at your sons age. They will learn who and what they are dealing with. The therapist just says to listen and support their choices, how A takes it is his business. Just be there for him, you can't protect him from all the hurts that alcoholism brings to your home you can only help him through it. You will go from angry to heartbroken for your children. Hang in there

mamabear26

That sounds like a good plan. Pray and give it to God. I need to teach my son that.

mamabear26

My therapist doesn't yet know about my DS11 latest break down. I will tell her about it on Friday. All she has told me is to keep kids occupied on doing extracurricular activities to keep their minds off of the negative issues.

mamabear26

Yes, I have felt angry and heartbroken at the same time. This disease just takes so much happiness and joy away. Thank you for the advice.

Sasha1972

Just wanted to say yes, me too. Kid gets emotionally manipulative, boundary-less texts from her father and his girlfriend ("Why won't you come to our place for your birthday party? Your dad is going to be so sad ..." ... "I miss you so much but your a$$hole mom won't let me see you ..." etc). If I step back a bit, I can see these texts as the expressions of a pathologically lonely and needy person (normal adults have their emotional needs met by other normal adults, not twelve-year-olds).

One thing I have learned is that this kind of manipulative crap gives kids an excessive sense of their own power (and responsibility). These texts tell them that they have the power to make dad (or mom) happy or sad (or sober or drunk - guess what happens when dad is very sad?). If we the non-drinking parent defer too much to the child's expressed wishes about contact with the alcoholic, we risk burdening them with responsibility - "I have to make decisions which will determine whether or not dad is happy". I found that being more directive about contact with the drinking parent and not asking so much what the child wants removes the burden of decision-making ("you're seeing your father two evenings a week ..."). That way I can also be the bad guy if dad is sad. Of course, this is subject to children's age, maturity level, the direness of their drinking parent's condition, etc.

mamabear26

I guess it's a trend in alcoholics to gain sympathy from their children. My STBXMIL also would constantly send manipulative texts to my son. We were on vacation out of town and everyday she kept sending my DS11 texts saying "Your Dad would really like to hear from you. Can you call or text him?" Or "I hope you are having fun on your trip. Your Dad and I miss you." Or "Can you please text your Dad? He misses you." I ended up addressing this with her and told her that she is crossing the line. My son should be a kid and enjoy his vacation and not be worried about attending to the emotional needs of a 32 year old grow man. She apologized and said she wouldn't do it again but she did do it again. So I ended up blocking her from his phone. My son seemed to appreciate it because it saved him from making a difficult decision of ignoring his grandmother's request. When it comes to my kids I am not one to keep quiet.